Let The World Know
by KuraGonzalez
Summary: Seth's betrayal has changed it all. Now Dean, Roman (and even Seth) try to pick up the pieces of their shattered brotherhood. [Ambrollins, Ambrolleigns friendship]
1. nothing but silence

His back hurts like hell but it's nothing compared to the stabbing pain penetrating his chest. It's like someone (and God, does he want to ignore that that person's name is Seth) lay an icy cold, death-like hand around his heart and violently squeezed it, trying to rip it completely apart.

Again.

It's not the first time Seth has pulled off this crap, and Roman really just wants to laugh at it. _Not the first time_. So, how many times will Seth be able to betray them, gain their trust again just to stab them in the back the moment they would gladly take a bullet and die for him?

Dean hasn't said a word since RAW went off air. Hasn't even dared to look him in the eye. It's weird and worries Roman more than he cares to admit.

The last time Seth had walked out on them, Dean had practically exploded. He had roamed the arena like the caged animal he is, screaming and shouting for Seth to show his fucking face. Dean had been ready to tear down the earth just to make sure there was no place to hide for their brother anymore.

(Former brother. _Acquaintance_. Sadly, Seth now was nothing more than that. Roman can't even begin to imagine how Dean will address this in the future.)

Tonight though, Dean had asked him once, only once and with a quiet, obviously very controlled voice, if he was okay.

After a while he had nodded, unable to think of anything else than _My brother is leaving with the enemy_, _fuck my back_ and _No, I'll never be okay again_. Dean had grimly mimicked his nod, most likely having the same thoughts echoing in his head.

Only with a little extra cruel twist. Dean and Seth never had been a _thing_, but that had been something inevitable. Until a few hours ago, Roman had firmly believed that they would be any day now. Those two just belonged together, never able to stay away for too long, circling around each other like the dumb idiots they are. Were.

He can't help but silently thank Seth for always shying away from Dean in the very last second these past few weeks. He's not quite sure for how long Seth has been planning to abandon them, to leave Dean behind, but he's grateful that Seth 'only' broke their trust, not their hearts.

Though Roman isn't entirely convinced Seth could completely avoid breaking Dean's.

He wants to say something but honestly, he wouldn't even know what would calm the storm raging inside Dean's head.

So he stays silent and tries not to look to his left all the time to check on Dean. He knows how distracting it can be to realize someone is always watching you while you drive.

For a while he just keeps an eye on the world flashing by, sees people in the city laugh and talk to each other and misses Seth's voice more than he thought he would.

He wants to start bickering with Dean just for old time's sake and keep the childish hope alive that Seth would intervene at some point, sitting in the back just like he used to.

Before Roman can stop himself he looks back, ignoring the sharp pain shooting through his body like a bolt of lightning. The backseat is empty. Seth is no longer there.

He is so sick and tired of going through this, of coming up with reasons and excuses for Seth's behavior. Judging by the way Dean grips the steering wheel – knuckles turning white, jaw clenched – he feels the same.

Roman is only sure of one thing right now: Dean will never trust Seth again, no matter what explanation the other will (hopefully) offer in a few days on Smackdown. He somehow doubts either one of them is eager to discuss this on the phone.

Seth was always about sacrificing himself for the team, but Roman can't come up with a good enough reason to do what he did tonight. Even if it is all a plan to infiltrate Evolution, he should have told his brothers before jumping at the enemy.

They could have pulled this off as a team, as The Shield, like they always used to. But Seth has his own motivations, hasn't even considered letting them in on his plans. Which means he didn't trust them. Maybe for a while now. Maybe he never has.

It's hard to tell now, after receiving low blow after low blow, and thinking about it just gives Roman a headache he doesn't need on top of the throbbing pain in his back.

Dean's stubborn silence is a curse and gift alike.

On the one hand Roman desperately wants to talk about it. Doesn't want his earlier tweet to be the last thing he and Dean did together after everything that has happened. But then again, he had meant his words. Trust is dead to him. Seth has let them down one too many times.

He can't even trust Dean right now, no matter how much he wants to. He's afraid of that familiar feeling of relying on someone you love like your own flesh and blood, just to be kicked aside at any given moment.

Everyone had expected Dean to break apart, had deemed him unstable enough to run wild after a heated argument. No one had counted on Seth. Because he had done it once. Because he was the sweetest guys Roman ever knew.

Because he's Seth Rollins. The epitome of hard work, kindness and brotherhood.

How wrong he obviously has been. Roman can't even trust his own judgment anymore.

While the landscape changes into open fields and loneliness, Roman closes his eyes and remembers the night before. How, after their glorious win at Payback, they all had hugged. Relieved, happy and exhausted.

How good it had felt to experience all of this with Dean and Seth by his side.

Now he feels hollow and numb, can't believe he's been let down by the same guy twice in just three months. He hasn't loved Seth like Dean did – probably still does, because if Dean is anything, he's fucking loyal – but all the anger and disappointment can't cover up the crucial piece Seth has ripped out of his heart when he had attacked him with that steel chair and joined Triple H and Randy Orton.

Roman just wants to know how much of Seth has been fake. How long he's plotted against them, has thought about ditching them. How horribly he has fooled them. He wants to ask the kid if he's happy now. If he enjoys what he did.

Seth might not even know it – though Roman seriously doubts it; that kid is smarter than people give him credit for – but he has fractured The Shield. Has damaged Roman, and most importantly, he has _completely_ _destroyed_ Dean.

He doesn't have to say anything, Roman knows that Dean blames not only Seth for what happened tonight, but also himself.

He knows that inside of his head, Dean right now comes up with the most disgusting insults he can imagine. And Dean is pretty resourceful when it comes to that.

He should stop it, before it takes over Dean's entire mind but he can't. Doesn't even want to. Not because he blames Dean too. No, he never would. But because it wouldn't change a thing.

Seth is gone, Dean is broken, Roman is hurt and The Shield is cracked.

Dean and Roman would have to invest a lot of hard work to fix it again. To make it impenetrable. To never let someone tear it apart again.

He knows in this very moment that Seth won't ever be allowed back into their little patchwork family again. He and Dean can't go through the pain and suffering of being betrayed another time.

The finality of it hurts him more than he wants it to.

The chapter Seth Rollins has to be closed and Roman hopes it will be rather sooner than later. The longer this drags on, turns into a back and forth between Dean and... that traitor, the more it'll just hurt Dean. Both of them.

And no matter what happens, Roman has to protect Dean from any more harm Seth can throw their way.

The scar this has left on their souls will sting for the rest of their lives; it'll haunt them in their dreams to see their former brother side by side with _them_, but Roman hopes it'll stop chipping away at their hearts one day, so they can finally move on.

So they can rise from the ashes Seth has left behind.

He listens to Dean breathe in deeply, doesn't miss it turning into a shaky inhale, but knows better than to comment on it. He doesn't want their first words after Seth to be this banal.

That Dean hasn't uttered a single word since they left the arena is alarming and something Roman doesn't want to get used to. He not only misses Seth's calm voice telling them they've missed an exit, laughing at Dean who just scowls and almost kills them by taking a sharp u-turn on the highway, just for Seth to go all pale and admit that he has just been joking.

No, he also misses Dean's rambling, getting worked up over everything and nothing until Seth just gently touches his neck and squeezes his hand, or flashes the hothead a blinding smile.

The silence that stretches on between them is deafening. If he wouldn't listen to the sounds of the car, Roman wouldn't even be sure he could still hear at all.

When he clears his throat and Dean shoots him a glare that couldn't be any more threatening, he realizes with a sadness that won't leave him for months that this is it. The Shield is done. There is no going back.

And neither Dean nor he had a say in it. Seth has taken that decision from them, has taken matters in his own hands and it just fuels Roman's fury.

It's now been almost two hours since their lives have fallen apart and Roman is ready to break the silence.

If he and Dean won't spend the night in a comfy hotel bed, mulling over the events and trying to come up with a reason good enough to not hate Seth, but instead drive around in their shared car until exhaustion would force them to stop, then they could as well talk about this here and now.

They have to start at some point.

Dean has to accept that whatever he wanted to have with Seth won't ever happen now. And Roman will make sure that Dean's heart will be mended again, like a big brother should do, and that no one ever dares to break it.

That Seth won't get anywhere near Dean a third time.

He has dastardly broken Dean's trust twice already and even though Roman is pretty sure that he won't give the former architect of The Shield another chance, he still wants to protect whatever is left of Dean's ability to trust.

_If_ there is anything left at all.

The problem Seth Rollins won't go away, no matter how hard they try to ignore it, so Roman once again opens his mouth, not yet knowing what exactly he wants to say, but sure something will come out that isn't a _I miss him_ (he does but that's not what both of them need right now) or _I know you're hurting_ (because even though he feels like shit too he has absolutely no idea how hard it must be for Dean).

Dean must have sensed his wish to discuss this delicate matter because he swerves the car to the right and hits the breaks so hard that a new flash of agony surges through Roman's body, painfully reminding him of the pitiful condition of his back.

He's one second away from yelling at Dean, from letting out his own frustration, but the moment he whips his head around and looks into those blue eyes, he swallows down the words resting on the tip of his tongue.

He has expected Dean to radiate irrepressible wrath, to wriggle around in his seat because Dean never keeps still, is always moving, practically vibrating with life and energy.

But right now, Dean is only a shadow of himself. It shocks Roman so much that his whole brain blacks out, unable to give any proper instructions.

His partner is pale, mouth a thin line and his eyes seem haunted. Like he is playing the events of the night over and over again in his mind, not wanting to hit the button to stop it. As if his whole body will shut down once he allows himself to let go of Seth and the idea of what they could have been.

Roman's mouth is still open, even though his voice is not cooperating but it's not even necessary to talk. Dean's eyes say it all.

It will take years for Roman to fix what Seth has broken. Maybe forever if Dean decides that constant pain and misery is the only thing that motivates his every action from now on.

Before he can reach out to pull Dean in a hug, he watches the other practically jump out of the car and his stomach does a little relieved flip because, yes, this is the Dean he knows.

And if he can overcome this betrayal, then Roman can do it too. After all, he didn't love Seth the same profound way Dean did.

But his hopes are crashed when Dean doesn't freak out once he's walked a few steps away from the car.

Roman desperately wants to see the other trash around, yell at the world and a God the younger no longer believes into – hell, at Seth even – but Dean just stands there, breathing hard before he bends over and throws up until his body can't hold his weight anymore and he sinks down, knees hitting the sand and stones on the ground with a sickening thud.

He opens his door, worried that Dean might get so worked up that he'll never come down again, but Dean's hand rises, urging him to stay where he is. His fingers are shaking violently, showing all of his mistrust and sadness alike and Roman's heart sinks a bit.

Dean can't stand his presence at the moment – much like Roman, who would also rather be alone, holed up in a hotel or at home to gather his thoughts and process what the fuck has happened with them.

Dean most likely won't be able to be anywhere near him until he has to put on his mask and appear on Smackdown again. Though Roman honestly can't say if there's a future for the two of them without their missing brother.

If they can even work together after being slapped in the face by Seth and life alike.

There is no need for words now, Dean's body language obvious enough for Roman to get the hint. It just hurts to see him broken like that. Roman has never thought that one guy could leave Dean Ambrose, of all people, so completely shattered.

Roman can't hear it, but he sees Dean's shoulders sag down and he knows Dean allowed himself just this one sign of weakness. One sob, one single tear. One final goodbye.

His eyes burn dangerously, and Roman forces his body to not turn around and take one last look at the backseat.

It's not the same without their friend, and no matter what happens in the future, without Seth, it will never be.


	2. break the silence (before it breaks you)

Roman is lying on his stomach, wincing quietly from time to time, trying to reach his back, just to drop his hand again because there is absolutely nothing he can do about the condition of it.

Dean watches his every move with burning eyes (he hasn't cried, no, he won't give that traitor this kind of satisfaction, refuses to give him so much power over Dean, but fatigue is clawing at his consciousness, begging him to get some rest), not sure if he expects Roman to disappear into thin air or jump up, laughing like a maniac to smash the night table on his head.

He's acting a bit paranoid, he is fully aware of that, but after last night he thinks he's entitled to some little mistrust. Roman hasn't done a thing to deserve it, but neither had _he_.

Well, not counting the third of March, of course. Walking out on a tag in the middle of a match is one thing and Dean had been generous enough to not forget but at least forgive that, but stabbing your brothers in the back and attacking them with the arch-enemy is just too much.

That two-toned freak has destroyed more than can ever be fixed.

Roman groans a bit louder than usual, disturbing Dean's downward spiral of hateful emotions and thoughts for a brief moment and before he can even think clearly (he's too tired to do that anyway), he's up and walking over to the bed, grabbing the tube of ointment from the adjacent bathroom on his way and flops down gracelessly.

He's not missing the way Roman inches away from him before his brain can catch up with his body and he wills his limbs to stay still.

Roman has already taken some pain killers but his back is seriously in bad shape, so Dean does the only thing that feels natural to him. God, he's done this a million times by now, it's maybe more some kind of muscle memory than anything else.

He pours a bit of the cool gel onto his hand and rubs it tentatively over Roman's bruises. They haven't said a word to each other since Roman's tweet about dead trust and he's not entirely sure his help is even welcomed but he has to admit that he likes this feeling of normalcy.

He can almost convince himself that someone else is in the bathroom, showering and singing some song Dean has never heard of (and never wants to again) horribly off-tune but charming anyway.

If he concentrates hard enough it's almost enough to believe that any second now he will see well-known and delicately defined abs before they get hidden by that stupid white hotel towel and a certain someone leaves wet footprints in their room as if he owns this place.

_Almost_.

All he can really see before his eyes, all that is constantly replaying in his head like there's no tomorrow is the disbelief flooding his mind when Roman went down and hit the ropes next to him but Triple H and Randy Orton were still standing on the ramp.

It was in that moment, when his gaze met that traitor's, that he could hear his heart shatter, his entire world being turned upside down.

He has made the mistake of letting that bearded kid into his life after his first display of betrayal – arguing with being fed up with him and Roman always fighting (ugh, seriously?) –, has vowed to himself to be careful but has fallen for that idiot once again nonetheless. Harder, faster and stronger than the first time back in 2011 and the second after their TLC match in 2012.

He even has filed away the exact moments. (July 3rd he first laid his eyes on Seth, acknowledged his mere existence due to their feud. But he really fell for him, started to respect that bastard during their first match ever. The Iron Man match in August. Even though Dean didn't win the title he still felt like he had just won every damn wrestling title in the world.

Then there was that fateful night shortly after his birthday and he clearly remembers how the youngest of them hugged him after the PPV, in the shadows of the night, long and joyous, yelling into his ear something about beating the monster – he either meant Kane or his inner demons, Dean still isn't sure about that one – and flat out kissed him.

Roman had laughed it off a bit awkwardly, but Dean had known it was more than just a kiss to celebrate their victory. He thinks that Roman understood that as soon as he didn't get one. He has to smile at the memory, something in him snapping in half doing so, because Roman's face had been priceless. He surely was only one second away from asking where his fucking kiss was.)

And now he's here, sitting in a hotel room and feels like a part of his soul has been ripped from his body and got burnt to ashes right in front of his eyes. No chance of ever getting it back.

Dean had thought that after their Summit it'd be different. That pouring his heart and soul into this building relationship was the right thing to do because _he_ was definitely worth it. (And that's just how Dean does things. It's either all or nothing.)

He hates himself even more because he'd been so stupid. He really should have known better. He's so pathetic, clinging to that shithead even though life tends to screw him over every time he thinks he's finally made it.

Roman is still here, but there's this lingering threat of losing him too. Or, and that's just as bad, of abandoning him like that kid did.

He sighs inwardly and nods to himself when he's done with spreading the ointment, eager to scramble away from Roman as if the sheer proximity hurts him.

He can see Roman reaching out for him, maybe wanting him to stay, to share his thoughts and burdens because right now, they're going through this betrayal together.

But Dean can't. He knows that ninja asswipe has broken them both and yet it feels like he has to deal with this on his own. Roman loves them – only him now, he guesses – like his own flesh and blood but what Dean and you know who had shared was different.

He scoffs, realizing a bit proudly (more like totally saddened) how he already thinks of them as something of the past.

Not that they ever really happened. They had been close to since TLC. At first, it had been Dean wanting to take it slow, getting to know the other better outside of the ring and their work before he could move on to something that was real and serious.

Dean hates commitments, feels trapped by them, caged and controlled but after dancing around that doe-eyed fucker for over a year after that first kiss he had felt ready for it. Knew that he was in too deep; drawn to the other like a magnet, already enjoying the constant push and pull. He could have drowned in that fucker's everything.

But then that jackass walked out on him while the Wyatts beat the living crap out of him. He huffs, thinking about how helpless and angry he had felt back then and how it should have told him that he couldn't, _shouldn't_, trust anyone with his heart.

But that smiling, cute dick had convinced him that it was a mistake, his stupid way to prove something and Dean had punched him for that pretty good in that ring. Man, that had felt like heaven. Payback's a bitch.

Oh, why did he just do that? Why did he remind himself of a night that now seems like a lifetime ago? When their world was still okay. Though they had probably been lied at for months now and didn't even realize it. They have been so blind.

All of a sudden he hears that sell out's voice ringing painfully in his head, talking about unity, brotherhood, about strength and family. (Dean has to tell himself that it has been a lie. All of it. If he starts asking himself when and why that idiot turned on them, he'll never be able to let it go.)

Mere seconds later he has hit Roman with the chair and stared down Dean as if to ask _You with me or not?_. Dean hasn't even thought about that unspoken offer, the unforgiving stare of those normally so soft, brown eyes all he could concentrate on.

Dean was desperately trying to not break down in front of all those people, in front of _him_, even though his whole being screamed for a dark hole he could crawl into to die.

And then his body had just taken over, sensing that his brain and heart were out of the picture, torn in so many ways they were irreparable. He had not even wanted to hurt his brother – former brother – but the decision had been taken out of his hands when that chair hit him in the stomach.

He would never be able to get rid of the dark look in those usually so warm and loving eyes. That hateful, ruthless stare would haunt him in his dreams and be the bane of his existence.

His whole life is in ruins now, the future he had been so eager to experience nothing more than an illusion. It has all been fake. Every word, every touch, every stolen kiss.

Dean has been fooled twice by the same man and he himself is the only one to blame for that. He will never make the same mistake again.

He has learned to ignore the urge to be the lone wolf because he wanted to be part of this little family. Dean has_ wanted_ it to work more than he cares to admit.

He has absolutely no idea what was going on in that stupidly pretty head. He thought he knew the other but recent events have made it damn clear that he knows nothing at all.

Two and a half years down the drain. He is so done with trusting people.

Roman's hand finally retreats, having hung in the air for too long without being noticed and Dean feels a little pang of something he can't quite place in his chest, making it hard to breathe.

He doesn't apologize for being a dick when they should try to piece together their broken souls and work this out; because that's what they always do. Dean has said it so many times, has sworn that they could be beaten to death but that they would rise again. No matter what.

He didn't know that getting stabbed in the back by someone you were stupid enough to really love from the bottom of your heart could change everything.

Dean sits down on the couch again, back turned to Roman (and if that doesn't say it all), watching the sun go down over God knows where.

He is in the middle of a heated argument with himself (what the fuck was he supposed to do on Smackdown? How should he react when that wanna-be Pegasus crosses his path? Dean has not really any energy left to even bother with violence even though he wants to freaking bash the other's head in. Just to prove a point. He doesn't even know which one but he thinks it'll feel that damn good) when his phone chimes and an all too familiar voice screams at him.

_Sierra_ . Hotel. India. _Echo_. Lima. Delta. Shield.

Wrong. It's all just wrong. It sounds wrong, it feels wrong. It's an abomination. And it pisses him off that his own phone is in on this conspiracy against him.

He's suddenly so pumped up with ire that he almost throws the phone out of the fucking window, just to dive after it.

Roman hisses with pain and sits up, the words obviously on the tip of his tongue. Dean can tell they're coming, can practically feel them punching him in the gut over and over again. But he's unable to stop them.

He knows that Roman is afraid and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Dean to leave him too. Because of what he and that bastard had or didn't have or almost had. Fuck if he knows.

Dean can't even calm his worries. He'd never side with Evolution (that much is crystal clear) but he is not sure that the two of them have any future ahead of them.

Roman wants to ask about the text even though he knows the answer already. And maybe it's time to break the silence which doesn't mean that Dean is very eager to do it. But he guesses that he owes Roman.

He doesn't grab his phone because he actually needs that – and no matter how pissed he is at _him_ having the audacity to text him, he won't damage it in a fit of rage – but he jumps up and catches hold of a vase.

Roman doesn't even flinch when it crashes against the wall, doesn't blink when Dean yells _Fuck_ with all the energy he has left and kicks at every piece of furniture surrounding him.

'That Seth?'

He's pretty sure that this time Roman does shy back for a split second when he whips his head around and shoots him a glare he just knows is full of hatred. Not exactly directed at Roman but at the choice of words.

Dean has successfully avoided to even think of _his_ name since yesterday, has tried to erase it with the torn up pieces of his whole being and now Roman just throws it at him, drops the S-bomb that pains him more than that fucking curb stomp on the steel chair.

He nods and stares at his cell on the table, his breath leaving his lungs in quick, erratic puffs, making him wheeze against his will. Now that he's started he wants to smash more things, wants to let the world know how much he is hurting and how he will overcome this one day.

He wants to see blood, wants to taste it on his tongue. _Needs_ to get his hands on that son of a bitch and just decimate him in the ring (because he definitely does not want to have anything to do with that guy outside of work ever again) and leave him rendered helpless for once.

'Yeah,' he eventually answers, still not moving, just glaring at his phone as if it'll delete the text by itself.

He can hear sheets rustling – Roman is getting up or at least is trying to – but Dean shakes his head and holds out two fingers, wiggling them in a way that tells his brother to stay behind. He can't have Roman at his side right now.

Not when he's still yearning for somebody to destroy. He might have a lot of rage and hatred bottled up inside of him, but he also knows that Roman has done nothing at all.

But Roman is stubborn (something all three of them share) and if he can't have his will, he's gonna prod and bend reality until he gets what he wants.

'You gonna read it?'

He huffs, lips twisting into a bizarre imitation of a smile and Dean thinks it might look a tad cruel (or just horribly woeful). Yet he doesn't turn around, afraid of finding empathy, understanding and brotherly love in Roman's bright eyes.

He needs to get out of here, get rid of this rage poisoning his brain, but he stays where he is, eyes fixed on the phone. That kid has always been able to draw him in and Dean still can't tell how exactly he manages to do so. But it's bugging him that he has so much control over him.

'What's he saying?'

Roman can see very clearly that Dean hasn't read the text – hasn't even moved – but he asks anyway, because he's curious enough to want to know what that shithead has to say.

Dean couldn't care less. No matter what pathetic excuse the other will come up with this time, it's not gonna change a thing. Dean is done with broken hearts. That dumbass will never be crushing his again.

Monday night, June 2nd, 2014, was the last time someone stabbed him. From now on he won't be trusting anyone ever again. That deceiver has ruined him forever and there is absolutely nothing he can do or say (in a stupid fucking text message, for fuck's sake) that will bring Dean back to him.

Seth fucking Rollins has made him weak, vulnerable, turned him into someone who would have loved to come home to a partner, cook something together and just cuddle on the couch afterwards. God, he's so pathetic.

No, Dean Ambrose will never stumble again. Seth cut him to pieces but if he has learned anything from all of this then it's to hold his head high and be done with taking lies from his (almost lover, friend, brother) whatever.

There's nothing Dean will keep from Seth – he'll burn it all down, just like the younger did when he embraced Evolution –, nothing he'll cherish from him (he'll get over the heartache in no time, he's stronger than this).

'Does it really matter?' He finally spits out, voice dripping with anguish and he bites down on his tongue for allowing this weakness to come to life. Even his body is betraying him.

Roman stays silent after that and Dean can hear him lie down again, face probably buried in the pillow. He can't even begin to say how thankful he is for Roman giving him enough space to breathe and deal with Seth's text on his own.

It is almost enough to extinguish the raging fire burning inside of him, to calm the storm confusing Dean's soul. It's up to him now to decide what to do with that message, and no matter what he does, Roman won't call him out on it.

He really wishes he could appreciate that friendly gesture. But Dean's self-preservation has kicked in hours ago and makes him now doubt every little thing. He's made the mistake of taking their unity for granted and now that is biting him in the ass relentlessly.

His cell is still resting on the table, and its utter existence is taunting him, teasing him he's too afraid to open a goddamn text.

And he is. He fucking is.

He can't even bother with trying to get some control back over his shaking fingers. He just starts pacing again, stomping on splintered wood and shards of the vase, eyes always fixed on that stupid device.

He will have to do this sooner or later. (He will also have to change his ringtone. Actually, he and Roman will have to re-do their intro and... well, _if_ they're going to be continuing as partners.) The longer he waits, the more it'll upset him.

And he's so god damn tired. Of Seth and life and getting stabbed in the back and loving someone who obviously doesn't love you back, who was just playing with your feelings. Thanks for that, fuckhead.

He taps at his phone angrily and skims over the message. It's as stupid and puny as he had imagined. He even has to laugh out loud – nasty and sarcastic and Roman surely understands everything just by listening to that – before he deletes the text without answering back.

Seth is not even worth of his time. And yet, all he can think about is that fucker. He's in Dean's head, has intoxicated him, made Dean all mushy and lovey-dovey. He hates it.

(But there's still that little part of Dean yearning for him, trying to excuse Seth's actions just to convince Dean to go back, to sort it out again. He's loved that douchebag more than he even thought he was able to. Still does. Which makes this so much more worse.

He can't stop thinking about how Seth always sacrificed his health and career to save them, how he has been talking about blind trust and how the two of them have moved in the ring as if their minds and bodies were one, just to treat them like ditchable prom dates at Raw.

It's driving him insane that he doesn't know how much _any_ of it – of _them_ – has been fake. And he fucking hates that he has to be thankful that Seth hasn't screwed him before he, well, screwed him.)

'Guess he's sorry,' Dean summarizes Seth's words, flopping down on the couch, wrapping himself up in a blanket. The moonlight shining in through the windows reminds him that he hasn't slept in over 44 hours.

Which makes it so much easier to blame the exhaustion for deleting Seth's contact info without even hesitating one second.

'You're right. Doesn't matter.' Roman's voice is muffled by the pillow but Dean can hear the disappointment nonetheless. He completely understands it. A simple _Oh sorry, did I break your back and your heart as well?_ doesn't cut it this time. It's not good enough.

'Yeah,' he says automatically, voice sounding foreign and hollow even to himself. He's lost all his will to fight, the burning rage dying out in seconds. It's like he's standing in that ring again, unable to process what Seth has done, not sure if he should attack him or help Roman.

He's never felt so trapped in his own body before.

'Will you answer him?' Roman wants to know, but it's more likely that he just intends to keep Dean's mind occupied. He's probably happy that they're talking again and doesn't care about the words spoken.

As long as they're both avoiding the subject of their future, Dean is fine with it. He's not thrilled to be forced to share his thoughts about traitors but it's a start. Maybe he really has changed – not only because of Seth – and is now capable of solving problems not just with violence but also with words.

It's worth a shot. What has he left to lose anyway?

He throws the phone back on the table, relieved and horrified that he has deleted everything Seth from it, and lies down on the couch, running his hands over his sore belly.

Will he answer Seth? Does he even want to know his reasons? A part of him screams _Yes! Yes! Yes!_ like there's a little Daniel Bryan running around in his head, trying to influence his decision.

'Nope,' he manages to grit out and adds, just for good measure, 'I'm done.'

They both know he's not. Won't be for a while. Maybe he'll never be but he's trying so hard, is giving his best. (And maybe, _maybe_, things can be sorted out a second time, because he's not willing to let go of Seth just that easily and go through that arduous challenge of finding someone new to love.

The bond they shared is broken, can't be fixed again, but there's something in Dean that thinks there can be forged a new one, given enough time for his scars to heal.)

He slaps himself hard in the face, once, twice – and loses count around twenty-seven – until two strong hands wrap around his own and stop him from hurting himself over and over again. 'Don't,' Roman barely whispers. 'He's not worth it.'

Except that he totally is.

Dean manages a crooked smile that hurts his face and makes Roman pat him gently on the shoulder. It's awfully quiet for a while, both of them just staring into each other's eyes, until Roman – being the good, older brother Dean admires so much – breaks the ice, really breaks it for the first time since Seth slid out of the ring to grab two steel chairs.

'He gave you a Piece of Mind,' that fucker says, grinning mischievously while walking back to the bed like he hasn't just reminded Dean of one of the most painful moments of his life.

'Ro, that's so not funny' he complains, surprised how easy it is to fall back into their usual banter. (He ignores the nagging feeling that this time, if things escalate, there's no one there to step in between.)

He hears a thin laugh from his brother and realizes in that moment that Roman tries very hard to cheer him up. To make things better baby step by baby step. That he still wants to be Dean's partner.

'It's a little funny.'

'Shut up, and go to sleep,' he counters, no real heat behind his words. He is eternally grateful when Roman switches off the light on the night table and darkness embraces him.

Piece of mind my ass, he thinks bitterly. It's ironic though, isn't it? Dean's mind has never been reeling this badly before.

An hour passes and Dean finally manages to relax enough to consider falling asleep when Roman's voice echoes through the room, trying to be soothing but ripping him away from peaceful slumber once again. 'You're not alone.'

Then why does it feel like he's the loneliest man in the world?

Roman is sleeping soundlessly – thankfully not able to snore in his current position – for a couple of hours now and Dean can already tell that the sun is going to rise soon.

He's been lying on the couch all night, not yet confident enough to share his space with Roman again (and he doesn't want to lie there and think of the missing third body), mulling over Seth's text and Roman's question if he'll answer him.

There are more points speaking against it, he knows, but he can't stop his hands from reaching for his phone, typing out three words before he adds the number that he'll hopefully soon forget and taps the send button.

The last thing he hears, before his eyes finally start to droop, is Seth's voice in his head, asking him, 'Are we done here or are we _done_?'


	3. cracked but still there

'Only I know why I betrayed my brothers,' Dean mocks Seth, throwing his hands around and accidentally hitting Roman at the head, but he knows better than to wait for an apology. Dean is too engrossed by the scene unfolding on the television anyway.

They've constantly been on the move since Monday, have driven down the road that they had originally wanted to take with Seth, but after RAW they had decided to avoid any chance of meeting the kid at a hotel.

Which means they're sticking to low-key motels and different routes to not meet anyone of the WWE on the road. It's better if they two of them survive these crucial first days on their own.

Surprisingly, Dean has managed to not completely demolish every room they've slept in so far – though he has left a path of destruction through the state. Roman doesn't really mind. As long as Dean isn't hiding his feelings he can deal with any Dean-typical violence. It's not like he's not used to clean up after him.

'Of course is he the only one knowing it,' Dean yells on, now pacing the small room, wriggling his hands like he uses to when he's pumped up and doesn't know where to put all of his energy.

'And what the fuck is he thinking, calling us his _brothers_? Wearing _our_ring attire. Oh, Seth, you're on thin ice. Thin ice,' he seethes and Roman hides his amused smile by turning away for a second.

Dean has needed some time to understand the consequences of Seth's actions (and judging byhis restless behavior he still tries to hate Seth as much as he wants to mend things with him), which resulted in a lot of stubborn silence in the car and only occasionally a clipped conversation.

When Roman woke up this morning he was so relieved to see parts of the old Dean slowly coming back to life.

The loud-mouthed, aggressive yet caring, bouncy bundle of relentless energy Roman likes to have around him. It's horribly boring and weird without that Dean by his side.

(Even though he misses Seth's level-headed way of putting up with the two of them too. He doesn't tell Dean – they don't talk about Seth or the remaining fragments of The Shield – but he catches himself looking at the door of every hotel room, waiting for Seth to barge in, grinning stupidly, jumping on Dean's back to use him as a ride.)

Roman is really glad that Dean has found some lost parts of himself again but he won't be fooled by this familiar behavior. He knows very well that Dean is putting on a show for him, to make him believe that they will continue to travel together.

Maybe Dean is even trying to prove to himself that he doesn't need Seth at all, that he can go on no matter how many times the other tries to break him apart from the inside out.

He doesn't exactly think it's healthy for the younger to act like he couldn't care less – because it's pretty damn obvious that he is anything but over Seth –, doesn't approve of Dean waging war against himself all alone but he is forced to just sit here and condone it.

Roman can – no, _has to_ – wait until Dean comes to a final decision because it's not only about Seth, it's also about the future of the two of them. And even though Roman can't trust Dean yet, he still wants them to continue as The Shield.

It feels weird to make plans without Seth because so far he has been the one always knowing what to do next, how to strike, how to deal with situations like this. It's not like he and Dean never had a say in anything but they had trusted Seth enough to decide what was best for the three of them.

Thinking about Seth now helping Randy Orton and Triple H, making the new Evolution even more powerful with his brilliant mind and genius plans, leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and he has to swallow multiple times to get rid of it again.

'Did you see how he smiled every time Hunter mentioned The Shield?' Dean turns around and rips the pillowcase he's been manhandling for the past five minutes completely apart, little feathers falling silently to the ground.

'How fucking dare he smile like that? Ro, I swear to God, I'm gonna break his fucking neck and have Heyman brag about that for the rest of his life too.'

Dean is already way beyond the point where any argument could bring him back to reality and Roman thinks – a bit selfishly, he might add – that letting it all out is better for Dean than keeping it bottled up inside.

'Why are we doing this?' he mutters, words falling on deaf ears. Dean is trapped in his own world and Roman is too curious to know how he really feels about Seth than to try and get him out of there.

(He has already asked this a few minutes ago when Dean turned on the television to switch to the right channel. He really doesn't get why they have to torture themselves like this on top of everything they've been through.

Dean answered absentmindedly that it was to help him decide what to do on Raw. When the music of the Evolution hit and Seth walked out in his usual ring attire, Roman felt like he was getting hit with the steel chair all over again.

When he'd wanted to know if Dean had any epiphanies so far, Dean just grunted and replied, 'I guess do what each of us does best: make it up as we go.' Which actually means that Dean still isn't sure about keeping Roman around.)

He looks at the screen, listens with satisfaction how Dolph calls Seth a sell out and the crowd chiming in. Seth looks like he tries a bit too hard to keep up his defense, the mask of being unattainable and better than anyone else.

What once has seemed like cockiness is now supposed to be arrogance. Seth can fool the audience but not Roman. Not now, that he has seen his true face.

There is a part of Seth still reaching out to them. Especially Dean. It's maybe just a glimpse Roman catches and Seth might not even be aware of it, but there's a split second when his eyes turn soft – while his mouth is pressed together tightly, unforgiving.

Seth's brown eyes tend to give away everything. He might be able to switch back to looking nasty whenever he sees the camera directed at him but the softness always creeps back.

The wish to ask if Dean can see the same thing is overwhelming but Dean is too absorbed in the match and just watching him react to every little thing might actually be better than anything else.

He can still prod and pry later to make the other open up. (It's a lot harder without Seth – almost impossible – but Roman won't give up. It has always looked so easy when Seth managed to do it with just a light touch, one deep look or a genuine smile. Maybe he even can use Seth's appearance on Smackdown to accomplish it.)

Dean finally sags down on the end of the bed – making it creak dangerously – and Roman has to adjust his position to not roll to the side because of the added weight. This is by far the shittiest motel they've found this week. He hasn't moved in hours, afraid of breaking the brittle bed in half.

He's actually dreading to spend the night here. There is only one bed which means it'll be the first time Dean and he will share it since Payback. So far, Dean has slept on the couch, telling Roman to take the bed because of his bruised back and Roman is not quite sure Dean won't end up sleeping on the floor because he can't stand being so close to someone in the dead of the night.

Whenever Roman turns off the light, it's like Dean can finally let go of the façade he's so desperately trying to keep up for him. And Roman doesn't want to take that away from Dean, as long as the other is still in dire need of it.

Dolph is doing a pretty neat job on trying to beat down Seth but Roman knows that there's no way he'll lose his first match as part of the Evolution. Whatever he wanted to achieve by betraying them, he can't start his new partnership by showing everyone that he can't make it alone.

He still has complete faith in Seth's abilities. That kid is fucking talented and they've all known it from the beginning. Hell, even before they had made it into the WWE. Even now that he watches his former brother in that ring, he can't bring himself to flat out hate Seth.

He feels betrayed, hell yeah, and he is disappointed and won't trust the kid ever again. But he also still feels kind of protective over the boy. He has looked out for him for roughly two years. One can't just forget such a long time because of hurt pride.

He's had some days to think about all of it – and even though he still has not a single clue as to why Seth has done that, he kind of also keeps hoping that it will somehow work out in the end. Not only for the sake of Dean and their relationship but also for Roman and his two little brothers.

He wants his family back. If he can't get that, he doesn't want a family at all.

Watching Dean following the match is funny and heart-wrenching at the same time. Every time Seth gets hit pretty hard he can see Dean flinch slightly, as if his mind isn't even here but at ringside – where he still feels at home, where he wants to be, where he should be – supporting Seth like he's used to, feeling every blow like he has been hit too.

Roman can practically witness in slow-motion how Dean is getting closer to the breaking point with each passing second because of his ambiguous feelings towards Seth.

Dean is torn between the tentative, but profound love he harbored inside for almost three years now and searing, poisoning hatred he knows he should feel (and always talks himself into feeling) because Dean is just like that.

He is a man of extremes and there is only burning passion or bitter animosity. Dean is always either or; there is no in between.

Roman still hopes that this time, there will be. For Dean's sake.

(It has nothing to do with Roman missing Seth horribly; already starting to ask himself if he has it in him to forgive the kid without ever forgetting what has happened. No, absolutely nothing...)

He's thinking about commenting on Dean being visibly shaken by this match, ponders over every possible reaction of the other (he could even end up getting punched; Roman prefers his face not broken and bruised though) and has just summoned up enough courage to address Dean when _it_ happens.

The moment Dolph hits Seth with an improvised diving facebuster from the top rope and Seth lands hard on the left side of his face, blond and dark brown hair flying mesmerizingly through the air, Dean can't take it any longer.

He is impressed the other has held on for about thirteen minutes, before he finally breaks and jumps up – this time Roman does lose his balance and lands face first in the mattress – and runs into the bathroom.

He hears a pained, heartrending outcry even before something shatters with a loud pang. Shards of the mirror fall onto the tiles while Roman rolls out of the bed to follow his brother, worried sick that Dean has done something really stupid.

Dean is kneeling on the ground, broken pieces of the mirror all around him, some of them stained with bright red blood.

It's a miracle to Roman how Dean, being who he is (all violent and unstable and willing to sink low), has never hurt him or Seth; just harms himself instead. And from everything Roman has witnessed over the years, he knows very well that Dean doesn't shy away from attacking other people.

But no matter how bad things went, Dean never failed to protect him and Seth from his own destructiveness.

He catches himself smiling in the broken pieces of the glass, because Dean loves them both – as a brother and as someone who could have been (and could still be) more – and it gives him hope that their time as a team is not yet over.

Roman crouches down to examine the damage done to Dean's hands and he's surprised when the other allows to be touched without any kind of protest. Maybe he can also get away with something else without getting punched in the face.

'You know that we don't have to kick him out of our lives completely,' he reminds Dean, his tone tender and cautious, while checking the nasty looking wound on Dean's right hand. Blood is gushing out of it, staining both of their clothes but Roman can get over that. What he can't deal with is Dean hurting so much.

Dean scoffs and peels himself out of his black hoodie to get better access to his wife-beater. He tries to rip off a stripe to cover his palm with it but doesn't get a good enough grip, so he just sighs, rubs tiredly over his eyes (Roman ignores the blood smeared all over Dean's face) and finally meets Roman's gaze.

It takes all of his self-control to not wince at the hopelessness clouding Dean's usually so clear blue eyes. There's nothing left of the confidence they normally radiate. 'Yeah, no, he managed that on his own.'

Dean's voice is barely audible and croaky. It's hurts him to hear it breaking on almost every word.

Seth's betrayal has cut deep, probably deeper than the kid had anticipated, but Roman can see it in those hollow and haunted eyes clear as day: Dean can't – or won't – let go of the other just yet. He might need a lot of time but in the end he too will realize that they will end up together. It's written in the stars or some romantic shit like that.

The one benefiting from this fact is Seth. For Dean it only means more pain and agony. He is the one who has to forgive, to build up trust again (if he's ever able to do that), to have to confront the other over and over again until this is settled.

All Seth has to do is wait and pray.

As he shoots Dean a small, encouraging smile and tears the bloodstained cloth in half, he grimly wishes he'll get the chance to go one on one with Seth in the ring. He wants to hurt Seth the same way he did them. But more importantly, he wants to do this for Dean.

The hothead won't back down from any confrontation because he's a professional and can hide his true emotions pretty well for the sake of the fans, but Roman would bet all his money on Dean hesitating for a fateful second when he has to face Seth. Other people might not even be able to see it.

Dean couldn't even attack the kid full-on after Seth had hit Roman with a chair on Monday. He has seen the footage on his phone, still cringes when he just thinks of Dean's shocked expression, which means he has also watched Dean and Seth stare at each other for a short moment before Dean took a step forward.

Roman has spent a lot of time with Dean but he has never seen him this insecure. The Dean Ambrose the fans love so much, the Lunatic Fringe, the guy who jumps in front of his brothers to take a bullet for them, never hesitates.

In that moment – in the same ring the had their debut at Survivor Series – Dean didn't know what to do and everyone could see it. Instead of releasing the hound and jumping at the traitor ferociously, Dean had approached Seth half-stumbling, half-attacking before Seth delivered the blow that knocked all life and resistance out of Dean.

Dean hisses when Roman puts a bit too much pressure on the wound but he yanks the other just up, so he can wash his hand and finally put the makeshift bandage on it. 'Dean, I mean it,' he repeats sternly and forces Dean to look him in the eyes.

'If you want, we can try to mend things. I'm not saying it will work out or that we go easy on him, but if you believe in the two of you, I will be right by your side.'

Dean averts his gaze automatically, trying hard to not show any signs of weakness. They used to be over that but Seth's betrayal has put everything they had achieved on reset.

He doesn't mention that he can read Dean like an open book right now and retreats back into the main room, searching for some spare clothes he can wrap around his hands to gather the razor-sharp mirror pieces.

He's just picking up the last one when Dean clears his throat behind him and murmurs, eyes not able to meets Roman's, 'I need more time.'

He nods, again hiding his satisfied grin.

Throwing the shards in the trash can, he tests the waters by saying, 'Until then we're just going to give him a lot of shit.'

Dean actually manages a tiny, thin laugh at that. 'I want him to beg for forgiveness,' he adds, voice growing stronger with each word. Roman pats him on the shoulder and switches off the bathroom light. 'Sounds good to me.'

It's the middle of the night when he wakes up confused and disoriented. He needs a second to remember where he is and to find out what has roused him.

The space on the bed next to him is cold which means that Dean hasn't been lying there for a while now. And he has definitely been there when he'd fallen asleep.

His back still stings whenever he moves too fast or not carefully enough but he can't be bothered with his soreness right now. Not when Dean is obviously missing and still in a fragile state of mind.

For a moment he fears Dean has bailed on him because all of his stuff is gone and the familiar feeling of betrayal hits him harder than he thought it would (he should be used to it by now, shouldn't he?), but then he hears Dean's voice through the open window.

'I thought I told you to leave me alone.' He's not really talking to Seth on the phone, is he? And why did he pack his stuff just to do that? (At least now he knows what has woken him up. He can make out the unique sound of their entrance music everywhere, even when he's sleeping.)

Roman tip-toes closer to the window and draws the curtain back a bit. He can see Dean sitting on the roof of their car, his duffel resting on the rear shelf, the sight telling Roman all he needs to know. Dean has tried to sleep in the car, still unable to find any rest next to him.

He can live with that. Dean just needs more time and space, and Roman will give him all of it, if that's what it takes for the two of them to continue as The Shield.

'No, you listen, I don't wanna talk to you. Not now, not ever.' Dean is practically hissing at Seth, disdain plainly obvious on his face; even in the half-darkness. He's silent for a moment before Roman watches him slam his injured hand on the roof and wincing loudly.

'No, I– I don't know why I picked up, okay? I don't even know why I'm still talking to you.' And with that he ends the call, throwing the phone through an open window into the car.

So Seth is trying to reach out; at least to Dean which isn't much of a surprise. He's the one Seth has to convince first and foremost. And when Dean is ready to let the other back into his life, then Roman will try to think about doing the same.

He is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't even see Dean jumping down and coming back to the room; he just flinches when bright light is blinding him and he notices Dean's reflection in the window.

He expects Dean to get all pissed because he has eavesdropped on his conversation but all he gets is a sigh and a tired command. 'Ask me again.'

There is a moment of silence in which Roman tries to figure out what's going on but then it hits him and the anticipation makes his heart beat like crazy in his chest. He's suddenly very nervous, afraid of Dean's final answer.

He has asked him the most important question of all on Wednesday but had only gotten a shake of the head, the gesture enough to tell him it was still too soon.

'So, what's it gonna be?' Them or Seth? The Shield standing tall or crumbling because of the architect blowing up the whole thing?

Dean doesn't answer right away, just inches closer while his lips twitch and show a cruel half-smile and his eyes turn dark.

When he stands directly in front of him he cracks his neck and looks down at Roman's extended fist with more serenity than he expected Dean to be capable of right now.

Stormy blue eyes (he can see very clearly now that they've shed one or two tears in the parking lot) meet his own and he knows the answer to this million dollar question even before Dean moves.


	4. embrace the darkness

'Welcome to the dark side.' He somehow forces his hand to shake Randy's, reminds himself to grin – not snarl – and answer something both of them will buy.

'I never left.' Good. Perfect. He's totally selling this bullshit, listening to Orton flattering him while feeling like the biggest piece of trash.

He had desperately hoped to see Dean and Roman backstage today. Had been so sure that they'd be here to kick his ass and insult him because that's what they always do. It's what he needs right now.

But them being notably absent isn't something he had predicted. It's just not their style. And it thwarted his plans to talk to them privately before they meet each other in the ring. Which is where they will undoubtedly end up.

He has heard Triple H say something about Money in the Bank and Dean fighting him, and Seth's heart had been beating so violently in his chest that he was pretty sure it would give everything away.

He will never be able to forget how proud his new 'boss' has been, placing a hand on his shoulder on Raw and telling Michael in that interview how Seth Rollins has _adapted_.

Seth Rollins has done jack shit.

No, scratch that. Seth Rollins has made the biggest mistake of his life. Of all times.

He has destroyed The Shield, let down the two people he loved the most in the world; and the worst of it all is that he has to continue playing his part until all of this is over. Until Evolution is no more.

He has risked it all – that's what he does best – and there is a high chance that he'll end up completely alone because he failed to let Dean and Roman in on this.

When he 'helps' Randy against Big Show and hears the crowd go wild, practically spitting their hate in his face, he realizes sadly that he'll have to get rid of his beloved attire very soon. Though he can't imagine stepping in the ring without it.

The most likely scenario will be Dean ripping the vest off of him, yelling that he has no right to wear it and kicking it out of the ring, out of his life. A part of him will die in that very moment because this outfit means so much to him. It is one of the signs of their unity.

God, he has fucked up so badly.

And yet, he has to endure the heavy hand on his shoulder, the mean grin on his boss's face and play along. He can't let his guard down for just one moment. Not in front of the Evolution or the fans. The less they believe in him, the easier it'll be to not lose his goal out of sight.

He carefully wriggles out of Triple H's grip as soon as they're backstage. Seth has always loved that Dean, Roman and he had been inseparable, joined at the hips so to speak, but the constant proximity of Randy and Hunter bothered him more than he had imagined. He just wants to get out of here. He needs some space.

'I'm gonna change now, it's been a long night,' he excuses himself and bites his lip when Randy holds him back, asking if he wants a ride. The question is like a punch in the gut and leaves him breathless for a moment.

Every time someone reminds him of the fact that he no longer has any right or privilege to travel with his brothers, he thinks about ditching this whole stupid plan and crawling back to Dean and Roman, begging for their forgiveness and understanding.

'Thanks, but no thanks. Cesaro asked for a ride to New Mexico and I already said yes,' he explains – panic choking him without any heads-up, making it hard to even press the words out of his mouth. He throat feels like it's burning down to ashes right under his skin and it amazes him that he doesn't spit out any dust.

Just voicing that he has to either drive alone or with one of the other not-very-welcomed guys makes him feel sick and worthless. He grins again – it feels like someone carves a smile on his cheeks with a knife –, radiating arrogance.

It's enough to make Randy laugh out and clap him hard on the back, knocking the wind out of him for a second. He doesn't tell them that he's asked Cesaro for a night alone.

Seth needs tonight to regroup. He still feels totally miserable whenever he thinks about Monday but he's had a few days now to compose himself and think about what to do. With his brothers, Evolution, his whole damn life.

Monday night, when he lay in the too big hotel bed, silence the only thing he could hear, he had wanted to die, had puked his guts out and cried for what felt like an eternity. A few hours later, when Dean had texted him back and had broken up with him for real, the whole cycle just started anew.

He still can't keep any food inside, his world is still spinning out of control and Dean is as unattainable as the sun. Bu he has to try and get them to talk – he still can't let them in on his plan, or rather, not anymore but he does want to sort things out with his best friend. Maybe even...

He's not really sure what exactly he wants to achieve or if Dean is even willing to meet him halfway. He just knows that he is finally able to breathe again as soon as Hunter and Randy are gone.

He jogs through the arena, head ducked so no one will approach him, until he finds his bag hidden under some cables, broken camera equipment and other stuff no one would ever take a second look at.

The Shield had always been considered as some kind of gatecrasher in the locker room but the guys' behavior has changed drastically since Monday night. It's better for him to get dressed in a dark corner of the building or drive to the next hotel with his outfit on.

He feels miserable but comforts himself with memories of him and his brothers doing exactly that on their early days in the WWE.

Seth doesn't want to spend just one more second in this arena, so he grabs his stuff and tries to scurry to his car unseen, hiding under the hood of his sweater and wearing sunglasses even though it's pitch black outside.

He's already had the pleasure (ha) of meeting some furious Shield fans after Raw and he's not keen on repeating that. The death threats he gets on Instagram and Twitter are bad enough. He doesn't need to get stabbed with a fork by an overzealous fan of Dean, all the while yelling what a piss-poor excuse of a friend he is.

Though he'd totally understand. Seth is aware that he is the worst kind actually.

He has no right to call Roman his big brother anymore, nor is he entitled to hope for a future with Dean.

But as soon as Seth is in the car, he checks his phone. It has become a habit of sorts to try to reach out to Dean even though he hasn't texted him back since Monday and Seth loses his faith with each passing day. Bitterly defying previous backlashes he types a new message while starting the car.

_Dean, come on, we should talk._

He has written these words in all possible variations already and he won't stop until he gets some kind of reaction out of the other.

His phone stays silent.

A few minutes later he's found the hotel the WWE has booked for him. It's nothing too fancy and unimposing enough to find some peace and quiet in there. By now, he has given up the hope to meet Dean or Roman in their designated quarters.

No one has seen them since Raw – not on the road, not anywhere. He only knows they're still alive because Dean has answered his first text on Monday night.

(Today he'd totally rephrase it after betraying them like this but back then all he could do was type these words over and over again until he finally gathered enough courage to send them to Dean.

It had been his way of saying that he was sorry, truly sorry, and that they shouldn't lose their faith in him. None of that has worked, judging by the answer he got from Dean.

The words _brothers no more_ still haunt him whenever he closes his eyes, because they mean he has not only lost Dean as a possible partner but he has also ruined their entire family.)

And, of course, Roman's tweet. Seth had only hit Roman on the back twice, trying to take it all out on Dean because of his bruised and battered back but Randy had interfered and attacked Roman nonetheless.

He can understand that they're pissed and trying to avoid him but he still wishes he could just tell them it's all fake – even though it _did_ start with Seth searching for a way out.

Destroying Evolution once and for all from within had not even been his initial plan but he took the bull by the horns when Hunter approached him after their Payback fallout interview.

He has made a deal with the devil, sold his soul, and there's not a chance in hell he'll ever survive this unscathed.

He can't believe he hasn't thought about all of the consequences beforehand, just jumped in front of his brothers and shook hands with Triple H, so he wouldn't even go to try and talk to the others.

The realization that Triple H had never meant to approach Dean or Roman – only having eyes for the Architect of The Shield, the so-called brain behind all of it – hit him the moment he gave Dean the curb stomp.

He has been a fool to believe he could shield his little family from any harm by walking out on them once again. Had not been able to see through Triple H's plan B like he thought he did.

The woman behind the counter looks up when he walks up to her and the friendly smile on her face freezes the moment she recognizes him. Great. He knows this expression better than he wants to.

It's not the _Oh my God, I can't believe he's standing in front of me_ freeze of a fan. It's the _What the fuck are you doing here, you traitor? Get out before I kill you_ stare he has gotten way too often since his heel turn.

Seth still tries to smile, though his face feels kinda stiff while doing so, and asks for his key. The woman nods, mouth a thin line and gives him his card, but holds onto it.

'There have been some disturbances and we had to call your company,' she starts and Seth tries hard not to frown. He's had enough bad news already. Can't he just get a break?

'Some outraged fans have gathered in front of our house, waiting for your arrival, Mr Rollins. Your company has ordered extra security for you.'

Just peachy. It's really a mystery that no one tried to run him over with their car or attacked him with a chainsaw yet.

She lets go of his key card and her forced smile turns cold. 'We recommend you remain in your room for the duration of your stay. Have a nice evening, Mr Rollins.'

That lady might have also just flat-out wished him a long and painful death, it's all the same these days. She has used the same distanced tone every guy from the locker room addresses him with. _If_ they even deign to speak to him.

He's never fled to his room this fast – not because he fears the rioting fans; it can't get any worse than all the death wishes that have already been thrown at him, but because he feels trapped by the presence of other people. He wants to be able to breathe without his chest constricting, thinking he's getting stabbed by hundreds of little daggers.

He's not turning on the lights, likes the comforting darkness that never judges. If he stays hidden in the shadows, he doesn't have to face the reality of being utterly alone.

Right now, Seth can pretend he's waiting for Dean and Roman to arrive. Or he can imagine Dean showering, the sounds drowned out by the vibrant city outside. Can make himself believe Roman is out in a gym, trying to lift the combined weight of all the Anoa'i cousins Seth has had the privilege to meet.

He misses them.

It's all he can think about day in, day out and he can't believe how stupid he's been to want to get away from them. From _Dean_.

Maybe he really doesn't have any claim on him – them – anymore but he can't give up that easily. Which is why he picks up his phone, opens the window to let in some fresh air, and flops down on the bed.

He thinks of texting Dean once again, skimming through all the messages he has written to the other so far, until he reaches the first one he sent.

_Dean, please, don't... don't think I... I can't explain right now but this is not what it seems. I hope Roman's back isn't in a too bad shape and that I didn't hurt you too much. I mean the chair and all that. You're probably pretty mad at me and I get that. I deserve that, just, I don't know, just don't throw me out of your life yet. _

_I will explain myself when the time is right, please believe me. I never wanted... Look, what I did tonight... you have to... no, I beg of you to not give up on me. Not yet. I don't deny that I did something horrible but I have a reason, okay? You'll probably think it's petty and it maybe is but that doesn't change a thing. Not anymore._

_I just want the two of you to know that I can fix this. I just need some time. I can fix us. The three of us; you and me. Especially you and me. Dean, I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I'm not asking you to turn your back on Roman, I know you'd never do that, and I don't want you to do it either._

_Not that you care about what I want. Just wait for me? Please. I will fix this._

It sounds pretty piteous, even to him. Like he was trying to offer an explanation but all he did say was _I screwed you but I still love you_. He didn't ask for forgiveness because he wouldn't get any. It is still too soon for that.

Seth isn't sure if Dean will even accept his apology in the future. (And that thought alone is enough to make him cough and wheeze, clutching his throat as if that will help him suck in much needed air.)

There's no guarantee that, even if Dean lets him off the hook, they will be able to go back and start over. He's acted selfish once again and has now to deal with the grave consequences.

If he could travel back in time just one week, he'd slap himself and tell his younger self that he should swallow down his insecurities and doubts, suck it up and be a man. Joining Evolution is the ultimate escalation of his childish fear of being left on the shelf.

Texting Dean hasn't really helped him at all so far, so he just hits the call button and buries his face in the pillows, a hundred percent sure that Dean won't pick up. For one, it's nearly three am and for two, he never accepts his calls.

'I thought I told you to leave me alone.'

Seth is so surprised to hear Dean's voice that he falls out of the bed while trying to sit up. Even though Dean is obviously not willing to talk – his voice gruff and unforgiving – Seth can't help but feel totally relieved.

He's so happy to hear Dean, it's downright pathetic. His fingers start shaking and his heartbeat goes crazy. He even has all these tiny butterflies in his stomach, making him feel nauseous and ridiculously light-headed at the same time. Thank God, he's already sitting on the floor because his knees feel like they're made of jelly.

_Then why did you leave him if the only place on earth you really want to be is by his side?_

And isn't that the million dollar question?

'Dean, I'm so glad you picked up. Listen, there's so much we need to tal–' He doesn't even get the chance to finish his sentence before Dean interrupts him harshly. 'No, you listen, I don't wanna talk to you. Not now, not ever.'

Dean sounds like he really means it. Seth has fucked up so badly, he'll never be able to repair any of this. Telling Dean the truth now wouldn't help either. He wouldn't understand. Seth knows for sure that his friend would just think it's a trap to put a spell on him again.

He wishes they could go back to a time before the summit, when everything had been only about them and Seth hadn't felt so... Well, it doesn't matter anymore, right? He has disappointed and hurt Dean one too many times, catapulting himself out of the picture.

Well done, Seth. Well done.

All that is left for him to do is try to fight. He has said it in his text and he means it: Seth can't lose Dean, no matter what kind of stupid things he has done to get away.

'You're angry and you have every right to be,' he says hurriedly – only distantly wondering why those words seem so familiar; it's the most vivid déjà vu he's ever had – afraid of Dean cutting him off again.

There is only silence answering him, so Seth dares to make the next move. 'But we have to talk about us. I don't want it to–'

He should have known that Dean wouldn't allow just one more word but he's still taken aback when he hears a loud smash and a wince following it, before Dean pants into the phone, 'No, I– I don't know why I picked up, okay? I don't even know why I'm still talking to you' and hangs up.

If he could just tell his brothers why he did what he did... but then he'd also have to tell Dean the whole truth and he'd never forgive Seth for that.

He'd thought he was prepared for this. That he could take on Dean and Roman in the ring without being able to listen to his heart break.

He isn't.

Standing in the ring, hearing his old entrance music and watching them walk through the crowd (and God, how he misses that too), he feels his legs go numb and has to force himself with all his willpower to not fall down on his knees.

He hasn't had the chance to talk to them backstage, hasn't even known they'd be here until a few minutes ago when he'd been told by Randy that the four of them were the main event of this house show.

(Seth knows that whatever Dean and Roman will throw in his face won't be good, but he shouldn't compare it to what awaits him on Raw. If they make him suffer at their hands today, then he can prepare himself to get completely destroyed tomorrow.

He doesn't fear Roman's vengeance as much as Dean's because the Samoan is pretty calm by nature and only hulks out if his family is in danger. Dean though... Dean has a weapon at his disposal that he can wield as if he's never done anything else and Seth knows he can't escape it.

He will get hit, no matter where he tries to hide – which he won't be able to because he has to act like he's the most arrogant bastard on earth; that's what they do in Evolution – because the range of that weapon is infinite. The only ammunition Dean needs to break and scar Seth are his words.

He'll get purgatory now and hell later.)

They don't even shy away from looking him in the eye, gaze bitter and hard. But he can't dwell on the feelings welling up inside of him – sadness, self-hatred, despair –, he has a new reputation to live up to.

The crowd hates him, calls him a sell out and traitor. Dean seems to like how they treat him and he can't blame his friend for that. He totally deserves all the heat in the world.

Seth can't say what he expected to happen the first time he has to face Dean (and the fact that they have to repeat this tomorrow makes him want to throw up all over Randy's face) but he's still shocked that Dean doesn't hold back, doesn't even look like he would ever think of going easy on him.

So stunned actually, that he tags Randy in, rolling out of the ring, trying to get away from Dean's wrath. He makes the mistake of looking at Roman, who's standing tall on the other side of the ring, watching him with eyes void of any emotion.

It's like they never have been brothers. Like they didn't share their bed at night, never fell asleep in each other's arms. Like Seth hasn't sought out Roman to confess his feelings for Dean and ask him if he felt bothered by it. Like Roman has never laughed at that and hugged him tightly in a way only a big brother could, the embrace making all of his worries go away.

Roman looks at him like he's a stranger. A stranger he happens to have to fight in the ring.

It's almost a blessing to watch Dean's eyes instead even though they're full of ire, bloodlust and mockery. He can't wait to get his hands on Seth and he should have seen it coming that he'd end up getting hit in the back with a chair after Dean stripped him of his vest, really telling him he's not worthy of it.

What do they say? Payback's a bitch.

And Dean is putting all his strength into the second shot, making Seth see stars for a while. He thinks he even screams out in pain, which is a bad mistake with Dean Ambrose as your opponent in the ring. Showing that you're affected by his actions just spurs on his viciousness.

He doesn't know what happens next; the rest of the evening is just a blur to him, his back aching almost as much as his heart, tears threatening to burst out at any moment. He feels the control over his body slip and stumbles out of the arena, only able to think of Dean's hateful blue eyes and how impossibly tight his chest feels.

It's warm outside, even for a night, but he still shudders, feeling like he's trapped in a freezer. He looks around confused, searching for his shirt and vest – his lifelines, his anchor to his brothers – but can't find them anywhere. Doesn't even remember what happened to them. But without them he feels scared and lonely; as if someone had peeled off his skin.

Thank God he somehow had enough presence of mind to grab his gear on the way out, so he puts on a thin shirt and hides his hair under a cap before he fishes out his glasses. He doesn't wear them often but right now he needs some kind of shield to protect him from the world and his glasses are as good as anything.

Seth can't drive away without Cesaro, so he just crawls into the shiny red car and cuddles up on the backseat, holding his hands over his ears to block out any sounds around him.

His heart is hammering wildly in his chest, the bumpy thrum of its beat the only thing that makes sense to him. How on earth could he think he would be able to take out Evolution without Dean and Roman?

_Let's meet. Please. Just the two of us. I need to talk to you. Dean, I'm begging you._

His finger taps the send button before he can even process what he has just done, but he knows now he can't do it. Not on his own. Not without his brothers backing him up.

He doesn't want to live in a world where Dean isn't by his side. Where he doesn't wake up to Dean throwing his stinking socks into his face with the loveliest playful smile Seth has ever seen. (It actually lights up the whole room.)

In a world where he abandoned the other even though he wants nothing more than to protect him.

He deeply regrets that he hasn't stolen more kisses from Dean. He should have told him that he truly loves him, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. Dean never knew for sure if their feelings were mutual.

He probably won't believe Seth now, no matter how many times he swears that yes, he would die for Dean in a heartbeat if that's what it takes.

To his surprise, his cell phone vibrates only a few minutes later.

_I don't wanna hear it._

Apparently their match has satisfied a part of the ruthless side of Dean enough that he is willing to at least talk to him indirectly.

Seth will take everything he can get at the moment. Has to.

_Then let's talk only about us._

Cesaro is making his way over to the car and Seth sits up, rubs angrily over his eyes (thankfully there are no tears, but he can't make any promises with the current conversation he's having) and shoots the other a bashful smile.

'Can you drive? I'm kinda really worn out.' He doesn't even listen to Cesaro answering whatever – his phone just buzzed, telling him Dean has replied again – with his still pretty heavy Swiss accent and just nods politely.

_There is no us._

_But there could be_, he types, fingers moving so fast he can't even follow them with his eyes anymore.

They reach the hotel without Dean texting back. An hour later – he has roamed the building in hopes of finding his brothers at least this time; now that they've come back – he sighs heavily and retreats back to his room, welcoming the comforting darkness once again.

He checks his phone even though he expects to be let down again, only to find a message waiting for him. Seth swallows hard, hands getting sweaty like he is still a teenage boy, finally talking to his high school crush.

_I won't betray Ro like you did._

Which basically means: I won't leave him for you. Ever. But that's okay. Well, it's not _okay_, but Seth totally gets it. He likes to regard it as a step in the right direction.

_Not asking you to, I swear. It will only be about you and me._

He can't sit still as soon as he's sent the words, pacing the room like Dean usually does, unable to think straight. Hope tries to worm its way into his system and he's too exhausted to push it away. Dean is willing to talk – well, technically he hasn't agreed to a meeting yet, but Seth decides to ignore that for now.

Dean finally texts back thirty-seven minutes and eleven seconds later: _Can't promise I won't punch you in the face. Repeatedly._

He has to smile at that, too thrilled to see glimpses of the Dean he fell in love with. Typing a reply suddenly is the easiest thing on earth. It's like they've never parted.

_Didn't expect you to._

This time he doesn't have to wait long for an answer. His mobile vibrates as soon as he puts it on the bed to get changed.

_I'm gonna regret this, won't I?_

For a moment Seth isn't sure if he's really texting with Dean. This does sound a lot like Roman but beggars can't be choosers, so he pushes the irritating feeling aside and writes, _Probably._

It's almost four am and Seth is on the verge of a nervous breakdown when Dean eventually replies.

_Fine. You have five minutes after Raw. I wanna unleash the hound and beat the shit out of you first while the whole world watches._

He's so allayed that he starts laughing and even though it sounds foreign and weird to his own ears, he doesn't stop because that is _his_ Dean and he's willing to see him. It's not Roman trying to play tricks on him, not just his imagination wanting to make him feel better.

Getting beaten up seems like a small price to pay for everything he has done to his family. Though he's not exactly keen on repeating tonight.

_Thank you, Dean_, he types still chuckling, a single tear rolling down his cheek. God has given him a second chance to make things right and he can't blow it. Under no circumstances. He has no clue what to say in those five minutes but he knows that they will ultimately decide over their fate.

He has a whole day to prepare for this, to make a plan (a good one this time) even though he is sure right now that he'll end up doing what he always does if it's about Dean: follow his heart.

Dean answers at the speed of light, making Seth cringe and smile at the same time.

_Fuck off._

* * *

Hey guys, I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who has commented, favoured or followed this story so far. It really means a lot to me *hugs you all* If any one of you is interested, you can go to my WWE fic tumblr (ambrollinsgirl) for more infos, updates, little previews. See you soon =)


	5. pride and arrogance surrounded by sin

'Do you hear that?' Dean asks incredulous and stops his pacing. Considering the speakers all over the arena, he knows Dean doesn't expect an answer. 'Who do they think they are to talk trash about us?'

He grabs the nearest official by the collar and yells in the poor man's face, 'Hit our music. _Now_!' Roman chuckles quietly when the man practically screams into his headset and follows Dean through the door.

While they're making their way down to the ring, he watches the members of 3MB stay where they are, which doesn't surprise him. They're stupid enough to stand still and watch the destructive beauty of the hurricane approaching them.

Kind of like a dodo. Not a huge miracle they perished. Judging by Dean's aggressive behavior that's what's gonna happen to 3MB tonight too.

Roman really can't understand why people still believe they can overpower them just because there's strength in numbers. They obviously have no idea what an admittedly small pack of hounds can do, what each member is willing to sacrifice.

_Yes, Seth Rollins, this message is just for you_, he thinks bitterly while running up to the ramp and spearing Heath, releasing all the tension in his body with his primal scream.

He sees Dean in the ring, microphone in his hands and walks down again, putting on a mask for the camera while on the inside he's more nervous than he wants to be.

They have talked about this moment the whole night without ever coming up with the right thing to say. That Seth had texted Dean constantly didn't make anything better – on the contrary. Roman has never seen Dean so distressed and insecure. And he sincerely hopes he'll never have to witness it again.

Agreeing to that meet-up sounds like a bad idea to Roman, but then again it also doesn't. He's not quite sure what to make of Seth's behavior. And he doesn't just mean turning on them and joining Evolution.

An hour ago he had pulled Dean aside to ask him one last time how he felt and what they should do in the ring.

_'Any idea what you're gonna say?' Dean looks up from his hands, just finished with taping them. He grins, tongue tracing his bottom lip. 'Nah, I want it to be spontaneous and malicious.'_

_Roman watches him lace his boots and tries to ignore Dean's shaky fingers. Rage and incomprehension still slow down his movements and Roman has caught him more than once staring at his phone with frustration in his eyes, at a complete loss what to do with Seth._

_He wants revenge, they both do, but there is this tiny part of Dean that begs him to stay calm and forgive Seth already. Roman can hear that voice sometimes too but he knows that they're still far away from even thinking about doing that._

_Seth has done the unthinkable and he deserves to be punished. Dean will take care of the kid – in the ring and outside – and he'll watch patiently until his brother asks him for help. He himself will just take on the rest of The Shield's problem: Randy Orton and Triple H._

_'You won't go easy on him?' Dean laughs at that, sensing that Roman wants Dean to completely destroy Seth without actually hurting him. Everything is so complicated and contradicting nowadays. Seth has ruined it all, really._

_'Fuck no,' Dean bursts out, slamming his injured hand against the wall. 'Just because I agreed to listen to his bullshit excuses doesn't mean I won't tell him what I think of his backstabbing. I wanna make sure he gets that I mean every word I say out there. _

_'I want him to mull over them, choke on them while he's watching us backstage in that fancy suit of his. I want him to fall to his knees and cry his soul out while he tries to piece together his broken heart. I need him to know that he has nipped 'us' in the bud. No going back. And then I will watch him writhe and beg and fight for all that he could have had.'_

_He snorts and pats Dean on the head, pulling him into a half-hug while planting a soft kiss on his head. 'Oh and there's one more thing,' he adds, clapping Roman on the chest to get his undivided attention._

_'I also want him to watch us and the only thing that he's able to think will be: how the fuck could I abandon that? I want back in.' 'You want to rub it in his face,' Roman says slowly, not quite sure what exactly Dean means. The fact that they're still together, defying Evolution and the King of Kings should be enough to let everyone know that The Shield might have lost a member but they're still alive and kicking._

_'Hell yeah,' Dean yells, pushing some unfortunate guy, who just happened to walk by, out of the way. They're silent for a couple of minutes but it's bugging Roman that he doesn't get what Dean wants to do to make Seth seethe with jealousy. (But damn, he likes the idea of it very much.)_

_He clears his throat and grabs Dean's wrist to hold him still. 'So you want to show Seth what he's missing out on,' he repeats, voice brimmed with fake understanding and Dean just smirks down at him, one second away from laughing so hard and loud that he has to sit down._

_'You have no idea, right?' He can already hear the little hiccup in Dean's voice that tells him the other is trying very hard not to crack up. He's not entirely successful, a single tear rolling down his cheek._

_Roman lets Dean have this moment. After all the shit he's been through, he totally deserves it. And it's actually pretty nice seeing Dean like this. He wants his family to be happy and carefree, not betrayed and dejected._

_Watching Dean smiling at him, all worries gone for a blissful second, he thinks about the whole situation again, eager to find it out before Dean lets him in on the secret. And then, when Dean's mouth opens he finally understands it._

_'You want to make out in the ring?' Dean's smile practically splits his face in half. That little fucker. Smart. And mean. 'You're a horrible person,' he tells Dean with no real heat in his words._

_The younger just laughs amused, grabbing Roman by the vest and tugging him along. 'I know, it keeps me up at night.' Liar._

_'So, I can expect a lot of touching?' Dean nods and Roman thinks that there could be worse plans. Dean hasn't allowed more physical contact than strictly necessary in the past week and Roman has to admit that he missed that._

_(Not as much as he misses Seth, but enough to realize the aching void inside his chest every time he feels the urge to hold Dean close to him. Just to remind himself that Dean is still there.)_

_The three of them have always been kinda touchy-feely and it was more than just weird to remind himself every time he tried to reach out to Dean that it wasn't appreciated anymore. 'Unless you would allow me to bone you out there.'_

_Now he laughs too, gently smacking Dean on the head. 'Not today, weirdo.'_

_They walk in silence to their hiding place for the night, both lost in their own thoughts. He doesn't mind hugging and showing affection towards Dean in the ring – especially if it's to piss off Seth – but he's also a bit worried. This could backfire horribly._

_And there's one more thing Roman can't stop thinking about. 'Whatever you do out there, whatever you say... Don't threaten to kill him. He's getting enough of that crap already.' _

_It's the only thing he will ask of Dean. He is still mad at Seth but traitor or not, he is also still family and Roman always looks out for the ones he loves. He doesn't want to lose Seth permanently because of a stupid plan that riled up the whole WWE universe._

_Dean turns around, face serious (he has seen the death threats too and they almost made him forgive Seth on the spot). 'Don't worry. If he dies I can't beat the crap out of him anymore.'_

Roman paces the ring, remembering once again how good it feels to walk it off instead of standing still and accepting things silently, and waits for Dean to start talking.

But his friend doesn't, which is enough to slow Roman down, anxiety welling up inside of him. Dean hesitating in front of the fans is something very rare and Roman doesn't like it. When he shoots a glance in the other's direction he can see him looking up at the sky and his heart skips a beat.

Dean tries not to lose control and just let all his frustration out. Yet at the same time, he struggles to free himself from everything Seth. In this very moment, Roman can't say for sure if Dean will ever be able to let Seth back into his life – no matter how many times they will have a heart-to-heart.

'We weren't healthy,' Dean finally starts to talk about Seth and Roman holds his breath, listens how Dean compares Seth to cancer and it's getting harder and harder to keep up the pacing. He doesn't want to imagine being Seth right now, standing backstage, watching this.

Hearing the person you love with ever fiber of your being call you scum and threaten you to rearrange your face while a camera is pointed at you and you have to keep a straight face.

Then he remembers the pain that shot through his body a week ago, recalls Dean shutting himself away after that night, Dean hurting himself to channel his pain and it's the easiest thing in the whole wide world to grab the microphone from his brother once he's finished.

Dean grins, handing him the thing with a wink, and Roman uses that little funny moment to let go of some of his anger. What stays is the saddening feeling of having been let down and he thinks that Seth should get assaulted with both: Dean's unrestrained ire and Roman's deep-rooted disappointment.

He doesn't even realize what he's saying, just lets his brain take over which has always worked for him when he has to cut a promo. Roman thinks he's doing a nice job even though he knows very well that Dean kills it every time he smack talks and there's no one out there who can beat him at that (except for maybe his cousin Dwayne but there's no chance in hell he's telling Dean).

Before he knows what's going on, he's already backstage, Dean prancing and bouncing next to him, a big screen showing him Seth walking down the ramp in a black suit to some weird music.

'Well, well,' Dean murmurs, eyes fixed on the tv, a shadow ghosting over his face. 'Look who has not only adapted but also evolved.' Roman stays silent; Dean's hoarse voice telling its own sad story.

'I don't wanna be here,' Roman hears Dean whisper low enough for no one else to hear; the younger obviously torn between running out there and comforting Seth (because of the crowd's reaction), running out there and beating the shit out of Seth (because he can't wait to fulfill his earlier promise) or just running out of the building right here, right now (because he doesn't want Seth in his life anymore).

'We have to,' Roman reminds him sadly. 'I know. I just don't want to hear his crappy lies.' As much as Dean wants Seth to suffer, he also can't ignore his own feelings. Listening to Seth babbling about all this bullshit must be really confusing and depressing. 'It's hard _not_ to fall for them.'

'… because to me it wasn't a big deal,' Seth's voice interrupts them and Roman can't help himself, he just has to pull Dean in for a hug again. A real one this time and he feels Dean burying his face into his neck. He turns them around, so that the camera won't catch it, and mutters softly, 'Believe in him.'

If he would have known what Seth would say afterwards, he'd not have chosen those exact words because Seth managed to coat them with poison and the bitter look on Dean's face says all Roman needs to know. There is a camera here, the whole world is watching, so he doesn't let his temper get the better of him – sticks to his own plan – but Roman can see it in Dean's eyes.

He is done. He can't be sure what to count on anymore, so he shields his heart from any further damage, kicking Seth out for an indefinite time. He knows it's impossible, but Roman swears the temperature in the room sinks down considerably because of Dean's stone cold determination.

He would give everything in the world to be part of their conversation later tonight because Seth is selling all of it really good. So perfectly actually that even Roman has no encouraging words left even though Dean crumbles to pieces on the inside.

'And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose we were brothers but to me they were just business partners and I severed a business relationship. You know for two years, every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I said _Believe in The Shield_. Every night, what I meant is what I'm gonna tell you right now, is that you and everybody else better start believing in Seth Rollins,' Seth spits out (slapping the truth in their faces that _they_have been a lie all along) and his words flip a switch inside of Dean.

For a dreadful moment there is no life left in those piercing blue eyes and Roman thinks Dean's face turns a shade paler. 'Remember how I promised I'm going to rearrange his face?' Dean asks, voice quivering with repressed anger and he cracks his neck, a wild look appearing in his eyes.

'Well, I think it's time.' Roman nods and breathes in deeply, preparing himself for the run to the ring and beating some sense into Seth. He jogs maybe ten steps before he realizes that Dean isn't in front of him.

'We're not running at him?' Dean just scoffs, malice and bitterness oozing out of every pore of his skin. 'No, I want him to piss himself until we're there. He's gone too far,' Dean grits out, fingers balling into fists. 'No one fucks with my family,' he adds (totally stealing _his_line) and Roman smiles a bit sorrowful, while letting Dean go first.

Seth might have called Dean a worthless, incompetent lunatic but Roman would still follow him to the depths of hell and back, trusting and loving the other unconditionally. That's what brothers do.

He should have known that Seth would be a total dick and pull a pathetic move on them but he's still surprised when the lights go back on and he's staring at the Wyatts, making out Seth on the outside. What a wussy.

The fun part though is that he doesn't stay there. No, in the end he does grow some balls and comes back into the ring and suddenly it's only him, Dean and Roman. Oh, how he has waited for this moment to happen.

Seth obviously had already seen this coming and flees the arena (really?), sending in Bray Wyatt as his knight in shiny armor. He will have to tell Dean to punch Seth in the face later – just for good measure. He's sure Dean's blow will hurt way more than one of his, no matter how much strength he puts into it.

'This was not as satisfying as I wanted it to be,' Dean admits after their interview and Roman just grunts in response. 'Never thought he'd be such a cream puff.' He almost sounds discouraged while he rips the tape off his hands, not even caring about the mirror shard wound.

'Nice match,' someone addresses them and Roman turns around to see John coming up to them, only now realizing that the other had disappeared as soon as they had won. 'Thanks,' he answers, not sure what else to say.

The Shield and John Cena aren't exactly friends; they just happened to have the same enemy tonight. 'Yeah, thanks for trying to help us out,' Dean adds and Roman stomps hard on his foot, disguising it as a slip-up.

He also hopes that John won't recognize the sarcasm in Dean's voice. 'No problem,' John smiles back, shaking Roman's hand and bidding his farewell. Dean boxes him in the ribs as soon as he's out of sight, screaming, 'What the hell, man?'

Roman just lays his arm around Dean's shoulders and guides them to their car. 'You were going to ask him if he thinks we can't defeat anyone on our own. Don't even try to deny it, I know that look of yours. You wanted to tell him that you don't like him, you don't need him and that you'll kick his ass if he ever tries to undermine your authority again.'

Dean grimaces and sags down on the driver's seat. 'You know me too well, Mr Don't Piss In The Wind.' 'Dude, it just happened that one time.' 'I'm not the one sharing it with the whole world.' They both laugh until a familiar chime echoes in the small confines of the car. Once. Twice. Roman counts seven text messages, while anger bubbles up inside of him again.

He had the audacity to throw all those hurtful things in their faces, called them out to get their promised beating and just ran away when things got a bit heated. And now he texts like a maniac, probably whining about how he didn't mean it.

Dean was right; it's getting really hard to differentiate between the real Seth and the one he says he's playing. How are they supposed to know what's real and what's not? This whole situation just gives him a headache and he's kinda glad that he doesn't have to deal with that rat later.

Dean sighs tiredly, watching his phone as if it could bite him at any second. 'I'm so sick of hearing his apologies.' 'You want me to read them?' he offers but Dean shakes his head almost immediately. 'No, I gotta do this. But I'll make sure he'll molest you too in the future.'

He laughs, albeit a bit stiffly, pats Dean on the leg and closes his eyes, giving his brother some privacy. Dean huffs from time to time, fingers tapping on the screen vigorously. 'Same shit, different day,' he finally shares with Roman, throwing his phone on the backseat and starting the car.

'Did he say why he ran away like the coward he is?' 'Come on, Ro, you know that already,' Dean encourages him to take a wild guess. Their hotel is already in sight when Roman finally says, 'Triple H?'

Dean parks the car and turns off the motor, flashing him a fake smile. 'Ding, ding, ding. You have just won absolutely nothing.' They get out and check into their room in companionable silence but once the door is closed behind them, Dean practically flips out.

Seems like he has just waited to be completely alone with Roman. 'I'm sorry, Dean, I had to say all that. But the guy in the ring is not me. It's just my mean alter ego; it's because my head is stuck deep inside Triple H's ass. And oh, forgive me for not letting you play plastic surgeon, I kinda cling to my stupidly pretty face. My awesome new boss has told me to let you play with the creepy llama-camel-lambs and you know I can't defy him.'

Roman listens patiently to Dean getting it all off his chest, knowing that there will be a point when irony isn't enough to cover all the hurt he's going through right now. 'But he could betray us, his fucking family, in a heartbeat. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the logic of one Seth Rollins. God, this man, I swear, he's driving me _insane_. No, wait, I forgot. I am already a _lunatic_.'

He thinks it's time to let out the big brother – not only Dean's but also Seth's. He still wants to slap the shit out of him (and he _will_ get his chance to do so) but he's willing to give him one last chance. The benefit of the doubt.

But if he hears one, _just one_ complaint from Dean, he'll be done with Seth Rollins forever. He has promised Dean to fight alongside him and he means it. He'd do anything for Dean. But should he hear one wrong word from Seth, he will bury that traitor alive. Maybe then they'll be able to finally make their piece.

'The kid is desperate,' he points out and Dean shoots him a dirty look. 'No shit, Sherlock. I'm gonna take a shower now. Have to look good and show him what's not his anymore,' Dean snickers and swaggers into the bathroom. What an adorable buffoon.

Roman decides to call it a day and strips out of his gear. The last thing he'll do tonight is wash that oil off and then he'll try to erase this day from his memory forever. He's just wriggling his way out of the green shirt when Dean yells from under the shower, 'But can you imagine him going crazy when I meet him later?'

'You're enjoying this way too much,' he calls back, admiring Dean's patience with Seth. There are still a lot of hard feelings involved but Dean is trying his best. 'Oh, I haven't even started yet,' comes the cocky answer and he hears the water being turned off.

He's tired of all this crap. Seth leaving them, Dean breaking down but trying to hold it together at the same time, Seth lying through his teeth but still saying he has a valid reason and he's not really a bad guy, Roman having to live with the constant fear that Dean will leave him as soon as he rekindles his relationship with Seth. Roman is sick and tired of all of it.

'Can't you two just fuck it out already?' he hears himself asking when Dean walks back into the room, towel around his waist, grin plastered on his face. 'Ro, I am shocked. Hate sex doesn't solve anything. And now go wash your oily Greek body. I don't want to sleep in stained sheets again.'

He gets up from the bed groaning when... wait a minute. Was this just a promise that tonight they will finally share a bed like they used to? That Dean will let him back into his personal space? Maybe this day isn't so bad after all.

'How about I'll bring him over and we'll have a little threesome?' Dean wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and Roman just yanks the towel from his waist on his way to the bathroom. 'I love you Dean, but if you value your life you stay away from my junk.'

Dean just laughs half-heartedly, panic starting to creep its way into his system, and shuts the door behind him once he's done getting dressed. From here on all Roman can do is wait and hope that Dean and Seth know what they're doing (and that he won't be left behind).

This is going to be an interesting night.


	6. so my sadness has turned to madness

Hi guys! Once again, I wanted to take the opportunity to thank each and every one of you for liking, following, commenting. I love you 333

And then I also wanted to say that this whole Dean meets Seth part got way too long for one chapter, so I split it up. Don't know if it'll be two or three in the end but keep that in mind while you read this, okay? We're not done yet and the good part is still to come =) 

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_Are you there yet?_

Dean looks down at his phone, typing _yes, where the fuck are you_ while eyeing the place of their little meet-up. Of course Seth wouldn't choose a nice, fancy hotel (even though he certainly has the power and money for that now).

No, to meet with a stray dog like Dean it has to be a fucking back alley, hidden in the darkness, stinking of piss and alcohol. Nice to see how low even the almighty Seth Rollins can sink. He probably will disinfect his whole body once he's safely in his too expensive hotel before he wriggles back into Evolution's ass.

'Right behind you,' comes the unexpected answer and Dean turns around, all kinds of emotions battling for dominance inside of him. There's anger (a lot of it) and hatred, but also relief and the horrifyingly familiar feeling of _home_. He decides it's better to not show the latter ones. Dean is stronger than that.

'Well, well, if that isn't my former _business partner_. Oh my God, where's your suit? Don't tell me you don't like your new dress?' He's riling himself up to a point where there might be no turning back, but he's so happy to see Seth in his usual clothes that he wants to slap himself. A few days of separation and he would crawl back to that asshole like the unstable whiny bitch the other thinks he is.

Seth sighs and rubs over his face tiredly. Dean can hear the scratching sound of skin running over that beard and he wills his body to freeze before he walks over and grinds himself against Seth, desperate for some friction.

'I thought we agreed on focusing on us?' Fine. Point taken. 'Just enlighten me first, if Your Highness allows,' he grits out and watches with satisfaction how Seth's lips turn slightly downward. Yes, Dean has agreed to listen to Seth's pathetic excuses but that doesn't mean that he can't give the other as much shit as possible.

Seth nods, desperation flaring up in his dark eyes, and hops onto a small wall to get more comfortable. Dean will have to remind him that he meant it when he said five minutes and not a second more. He can be glad Dean didn't start the countdown yet.

He holds out his arms, pointing at Seth's choice of a place. 'Seriously?' Seth sighs again, finally understanding that this won't be a walk in the park. Dean is going to make him suffer and he has to survive all of it in order to start fighting back.

'No one will find us here,' he explains and Dean just shakes his head. 'No one would have found us in a fucking hotel room either,' he counters and kicks an empty beer bottle in Seth's direction because he can't handle the hopeful look on the other's face at the mention of a shared place. _Wrong message, Dean. Wrong message._

'Stop that,' he commands and Seth clears his throat, being the obedient little shit that he nowadays is. That alone pisses Dean off more than anything else. Where the hell was his friend? The one who didn't take crap from anybody, least of all Dean.

'You look good,' Seth finally offers but Dean won't have any of that. He's not here to listen to Seth flattering him (though it _is_nice to hear that, even if a simple compliment won't cut it). 'Course I do,' he shoots back impatiently.

So far it seems like his plan is totally working out. Good. He didn't put on his best jeans and leather jacket for nothing. Dean wants Seth to lie in his bed later, rolling around on the satin bed sheets without being able to find any sleep, only thinking of Dean and what could have been but won't be anytime soon.

'How's your chin?' Seth whispers, as if he's afraid of the answer. Dean just shrugs, tilting his head to both sides. It's just a scratch and he won't die because of it, but he refused any kind of doctor's stuff to forever remind himself of who is responsible for messing up his face (when he had sworn to rearrange the other's).

Erick Rowan might have been the one doing the dirty work but it was Seth who unleashed that backwood cult wannabe lamb-lover in the first place.

They remain silent for a while, Seth sitting on the cold wall, Dean wandering around aimlessly. For some unknown reason he's reluctant to announce the beginning of the five minutes. It's just too nice to have Seth here with him. As long as they don't talk and ruin the peace with it he can pretend everything is just like it used to be.

They're hiding here, waiting for Roman because they have crashed yet another car and try to come up with a story about how it was 'coincidentally' stolen from them that very night. Roman usually goes to the cops, being soulful and intimidating at the same time (everyone believes him everything, it's like evil witchcraft or something), selling their bullshit story without blinking once.

But their car is still intact even though Dean is driving it for a whole week now. (Considering all the things that have happened, he should get a medal for that.) And the one not traveling along with them is the man sitting on front of him.

If he's being honest with himself, he does want to bash his freaking handsome head in but he also wants to know what the heck is going on in there.

'Sorry you couldn't beat me up,' Seth offers eventually, smiling a bit lopsided before he winces and closes his mouth again. Dean considers calling him out on fleeing the arena and running back to his mommy and daddy (really, how old is he? It's not like Dean chased after him with a fucking chainsaw) but decides against it. For now.

'There's a time and place for everything,' he answers instead, his own smile turning cruel and Seth swallows hard. They both know it'll eventually end up in a violent beating and Dean hopes that Seth is also aware of who's going to win it. Dean doesn't care what kind of detestable things he'll have to do to get his revenge, doesn't give a shit about his own body, as long as Seth won't be able to get up on his own after he's finished with him.

Seth inhales deeply, albeit a bit shakily, and asks, 'Wanna go at it now?' Hell yeah, any time but where would be the fun in that? 'What, and improve that face of yours without anyone to witness? Oh, I don't think so.'

He hears an uncertain chuckle and takes a step closer, wanting to catch every little detail of misery on the other's face. Because that is what he wants to think of tonight after he has shared everything with Roman. Dean wants to remember every bit of Seth's sadness and hopelessness, wants to revel in the despair and heartache he'll cause the other tonight.

And then he'll sleep safe and sound while cuddling up to Roman for the first time since Seth turned his back on them.

Before he can start the final countdown Seth speaks up, stalling time like the smart motherfucker he is. 'I'm booked for Main Event tomorrow.' He says it like it should mean something to Dean, so he brushes it off with a simple shrug and a, 'Good for you.'

Seth scratches his neck nervously, but his gaze is full of defiance. He will keep Dean here with him for as long as he can while squeezing the life out of him in the process. Dean is willing to let him, as long as he gets to see what he came here for.

'Hunter will ask me some more things in the ring. He wants to rub it in everyone's face and I can't... I just want you to never forget that the one walking around with Evolution is not _me_. That person is entirely fake.'

Dean smiles at his so called brother as cold and distanced as he can. 'I don't care.' The words make the same impact as a napalm, evaporating Seth's hope in an instant. Now that feels good.

Seth opens and closes his mouth several times, trying to come up with something to say, to pursue the conversation that he wanted to have, but it is of no avail. So Dean picks up the pieces for a change. 'You gonna fight?'

It's like watching a small kid finally getting the fire truck it has been wanting for its entire tiny life for Christmas. Seth's eyes lighten up, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, before he thinks about the question in earnest.

'I guess Dolph isn't done with me yet. At least, that's what he told me backstage today.' Dean has to force himself to nod as if he's actually interested in what Seth has to say, when in fact, he couldn't care less. He still doesn't understand why Dolph interferes in something that is only a business of The Shield.

'Showoff versus Sellout. You should try to hold onto him. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me,' he can't help but grit out, even though he would never share Seth with tight-pants Ziggler. Or anyone else. But Seth doesn't need to know that (though he probably is very aware of it already).

Before Seth can argue about that, he speaks up again. 'You finally have a new outfit?' Seth doesn't even hesitate for one second, just yells out an outrageous _No_, as if it's ridiculous just asking about it. Which, hello, traitors don't get to wear the gear they double-crossed their brothers in.

'I thought I told you to get rid of it and put on a new one.' Seth looks at him like he's just kicked his newborn puppy. 'Dean,' he begs but he won't give into it this time. Dean knows why their outfit is so important to Seth (to all of them) and that he'd rather die than take it off but he's no longer a member of The Shield, no longer their brother.

'I meant it, Seth. You don't deserve it. Especially with our symbol on it.' Seth licks his lips and traces the cracks of the wall he's sitting with his fingers. Dean follows the movement with his eyes for a while. He's not so sure anymore that this meet-up was a good idea.

He gets the sinking feeling that it maybe is still too soon to stand face to face with Seth, talking about this stuff while being torn between resisting to fall back into old habits and keep up the straight face he has sworn to wear for tonight.

'I don't want to fight in trunks,' Seth confesses after a while and Dean listens to a police siren wailing its way past them before he answers casually, 'I'm sure it won't be that bad. You'll get used to it again in no time. And if you ever want to please us and piss of Triple H, you'll wear something blue.'

It's supposed to be a joke to lighten the mood (and since when is it Dean's job to do that?), but of course Seth takes it the wrong way. 'I'm not a substitute for Batista, nor am I part of the Evolution.' He's heard all of that before and he's so sick of it. Seth had never been one to ignore the truth but he's fooling himself with this. If he's going to say it one more time, he might finally believe it himself.

'Sorry to break it to you, but you are Hunter's bitch.' Seth looks like he wants to argue about that for the next year or so but decides against it, probably realizing that Dean is one hundred percent right. Instead he gets something else off his chest before Dean denies him that opportunity too.

'You know that from now on I'll have to interfere in your matches to mess with your head.' 'I'm aware of that, yeah,' he sighs, already getting pissed that Seth will fuck with him the same way he did in FCW.

As if it isn't bad enough that Seth got under his skin to destroy him from the inside out. No, now they'll also play mind games in front of the whole world and Dean can never get as personal as he wants to without revealing himself. God, this whole situation sucks.

'Kinda like a role reversal,' Seth chuckles quietly. Dean shouldn't be proud that this hasn't changed at all. But great minds do think alike. 'Should have known it'd bite me in the ass one day,' he retorts.

'And before you even try to say anything else, I'm telling you that your time starts now.' He makes a show of looking at his watch even though they both know that Dean will listen to Seth for exactly as long as he wants to. And when he's heard enough or not the things he came here for, he'll leave. (He kinda hopes he'll get to do that, because then Seth would learn the hard way how that feels.)

He can't even describe the satisfaction that wells up in his chest when Seth's eye go wide and nervousness takes over. He's making it a bit too easy for Dean.

'I needed to get away from you.'

Wow. That's... nice? And a bit more hurtful than he wants it to be. The words echo in his head, each one of it ripping him open like a straightjacket made of barbed wire. He has expected a lot (excuses, subterfuge, pathetic begging) but not that. So now Seth is blaming _him_?

It's Dean's fault that Seth has stabbed them in the back last week and joined Evolution? Yeah, no, he won't allow Seth to put that on him. Seth left on his own accord. If there had been a problem with him, why didn't he just try to talk about it? He never once shuts up but he couldn't share that?

And what the fuck is that even supposed to mean? For over one and a half years Seth has pursued him, pined over him, made Dean fall in love with him and then, all of a sudden, it's Dean's presence he can't stand? Fuck that.

He's one second away from leaving. Or throwing Seth into the dumpster where he belongs.

Dean breathes in, fingers balling into a fist, when Roman's voice rings through his head (_Believe in him_), so he forces himself to calm down a bit. When he looks up again, he sees Seth watching him warily, like he expects a punch in the face because of that comment.

But Dean is saving that for another time. There are still four and a half minutes left for Seth to talk more shit.

'You do realize that this is not how you start an _I want you back_ conversation?' he asks, eyebrows drawn up as far as he can, and tilts his head. 'You're lucky Roman begged me to not kill you,' he adds, voice serious and unforgiving – while showing Seth that he still has a Samoan guardian angel that just saved his life. Or at least his pretty face.

Seth shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair, a few blond locks coming loose. Damn, Seth's smooth silky hair is one of Dean's weak spots and he suddenly wants nothing more than to ruffle and play with it. (Dean had always liked to braid it while Seth was sleeping, laughing his ass off when the younger woke up with hundreds of tiny braids he had to untangle.)

'He did?' Seth wants to know, hope lighting up his whole face. Dean has to bite himself on the cheek until he draws some blood. The metallic taste grounds him again, helps him fight off the urge to either tell Seth that no, those weren't Roman's exact words or ripping his head off.

Option two sounds very tempting.

'I'm not here to talk about Ro, so, come on big boy, let's hear what you have to say. Other than accusing me for you walking out on us and you insulting me.' Seth looks down ashamed (yeah, he better be) and fiddles with the hem of his thin Glamour Kills shirt. 'I'm not blaming you, Dean.'

Oh no? Because it kinda sounds like he does.

'Then please, explain yourself. I'm all ears,' he spits out, taking once again a step towards Seth who is looking up at him with his stupid puppy eyes. That might have worked until last Monday but Dean is now immune to Seth's most dangerous weapon. He keeps staring and waves his hand impatiently. 'Go on, we don't have all night.'

Seth jumps down from the wall and tries to walk up to him but Dean retreats out of sheer self-preservation. He needs to stay focused and away from the other. If he gets too close he might lose himself in those dark brown eyes.

He manages to keep a straight face when Seth shoots him a hurt look and slowly sits back on the stone again. 'I can't explain it better than that,' he apologizes and it's almost enough for Dean to lose it.

That's it? A pathetic _You made me leave you_? That's all he gets? 'Fuck you,' he barks and turns around, ready to leave this sack of shit behind for good.

'No, Dean, please,' he hears Seth babble behind him, shoes landing with a quiet sound on the ground before they trip over to him. 'That's not– Dean, _wait_!' And suddenly there's a hand on his shoulder, holding him back.

Before he even has time to blink he smashes his fist into Seth's face, smiling satisfied when the other stumbles back – shocked and not being able to believe his eyes. Fuck, that hurt (it was his already injured hand); yet he forbids himself to shake his fingers.

'I guess I deserve that,' Seth mutters after a few seconds, holding his jaw and trying carefully to move it. Dean secretly hopes he's broken it. 'There are more where that came from,' he warns, promises even, and puts once more some distance between them.

This time, he jumps onto the wall, finally able to let go of the tension stiffening his body. Punching Seth has never felt so good. He's ready to listen to some more bullshit. Seth still has a bit over two minutes left.

'Look, can we talk about this whole situation like two adults?' Seth asks, voice a tad bitter, his fingers still working on his jaw. He must have hit him pretty hard. Awesome.

'Oh, I don't know,' Dean singsongs, 'You sure you can reason with a lunatic?' Seth sighs loudly, shoulders sagging down. 'I didn't mean it. I told you, it's just show.' A very impressing and authentic one, which makes it so hard to ignore it.

'We didn't fake anything,' Dean makes sure that Seth knows exactly what his _brothers_ think about him. He can practically see how Seth goes through all of their insults from tonight, each one hitting him like a low blow of his sugar daddy's beloved sledgehammer.

Seth laughs awkwardly, hugging himself tightly as if he is cold but Dean knows that he only tries to ground himself, now that Dean is unwilling to do it. (And just how ironic is that? The maniac anchors the oh-so-hardy turncoat. He's once felt so honored by that. Now it seems like a bad joke.) 'It's just like when we first met, right?' He rubs over his arms, faking a chill and Dean sighs inwardly.

'Oh no, back then I had no idea what a spineless, backstabbing, pitiful excuse of a human being you are.' Seth lowers his gaze again (seriously, they're not teenagers anymore) and whispers almost fondly, 'You called me a question mark.' Dean just snorts and shrugs off his jacket to throw it at Seth, finally giving the other what he so direly needs.

Seth catches it, face twisting back and forth between joy and wariness, but then he just slips into it like he's never done anything else. He has worn Dean's clothes more often than Dean likes to remember and he has to admit that Seth still looks as good in them as he used to.

'I wasn't cold,' he unnecessarily points out, making Dean huff out an annoyed, 'I know.'

Seth inches closer, ignoring the low warning growl Dean lets out, hands rubbing over his upper arms; his fingers barely visible under the slightly too long sleeves. It's fucking adorable and Seth knows it. He's even going so far as to use it to his advantage, tapping the tips on the leather when he catches Dean's (probably longing) stare.

God dammit. This is a lot harder than he thought it would be.


	7. inside i'm a prisoner of my own hell

So, there's a panic attack in here. Thought I'd warn you. (TMI: This is actually how I experienced my most memorable panic attack after my mom asked me a simple question that turned my whole world upside down.) So yeah, that's that. Also, there will be one more chapter for this confrontation. Hope you're all still having fun & thanks for your reviews 3

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'Alright, your five minutes are almost up and I haven't heard a single thing I can work with. You need to help me out here,' he finally concludes, sounding way less aggressive than he intended to. That ninja goob makes him soft and they both know it.

Seth leans against a wall, now playing around with the zipper. 'I wanted, needed, I don't know– I just had to get a break from being around you and I didn't know how.' He doesn't offer an explanation on why Dean's presence bothered him so much and Dean is too proud to ask.

'And then Triple H came to me, trying to lull me with his speech about adapting and evolving and how I am the only one he needs, how he can make me big. All of the crap you can imagine.' Dean doesn't say anything. It's pretty obvious that some of that alleged _crap_ has worked on his former brother.

'I'm not interested in Evolution or his offer, even if I took it. I know it doesn't look like it but I wanted to protect you and Roman.' Dean scoffs, murmuring, 'You did a bang up job there, buddy.' Seth sighs frustrated, rubbing the cuffs of Dean's jacket all over his face. 'Dean, come one,' he begs but Dean has had enough. This conversation doesn't live up to what he has expected.

'You know, I can see your mouth moving all the time, but all I can hear is some whining, half-assed bullshit that doesn't change a thing.'

Seth sucks in some air and opens his mouth to be the rebel Dean wanted to fight alongside for the rest of their lives, but the only thing coming out is Dean's name. Like he thinks if he just calls him by it often enough, it'll calm him down. This is not the time for psychological mumbo-jumbo and Seth should know better than to try it on Dean Ambrose of all people.

He slides down from the wall and squares his shoulders, lets his body announce his upcoming departure. 'If you don't have anything of importance to say,' he warns but Seth cuts off his path and holds up his hands, all the while making sure to not touch him again.

'Dean,' he sighs, obviously at the end of his rope and a wave of pride hits Dean, making it easier to breathe. For the past few minutes his chest had felt like it would explode at any second. 'Just... forget for one moment what I did in the ring.'

Dean barks out a sharp laugh that hurts his throat. That kid has some damn nerves to be asking for it. No chance in hell Dean (or Roman) will ever let go of that. The damage is done and no matter what Seth does in the future, there is no way of erasing that out of the history books.

'Forget it. _Forget it?_' He can _forget_the loss of his baby (he'll win her back one day), he can _forget_that Roman once accidentally farted in his face last year, he can _forget_getting knocked out by CM Punk, so that Jake 'The Snake' Roberts could throw his slimy snake on him.

Seth betraying them, attacking his brothers, joining the fucking enemy, now that is something he won't even think about letting go of anytime soon. 'You know what, Seth? You are in no position to tell me _it doesn't matter_,' he mimics one of the trademark statements of Roman's cousin, berserk rage rushing through his veins like a blazing fire.

'Because it does, Seth. It fucking does.' Seth seems to come to the same conclusion, because his whole body language changes with each and every word of Dean. A few minutes ago, Seth had been confident yet afraid but now he seems practically crestfallen and crushed.

'I thought we would be talking about us?' he murmurs, voice throaty and impossibly sad. God, he is driving Dean insane with his grief-stricken puppy face. 'We _are_talking about us,' he shoots back angrily. 'It's all we're doing these days. Talking and talking and getting nowhere.'

Seth knits his eyebrows, determination settling on his features. _Fucking finally_. Took him long enough to get to the point of this whole stupid encounter. (And Dean is too curious what'll happen now to tell the other that the five minutes are over.)

'Dean, I know we've never been an official thing but I also know now that it's, no, _you_are the only thing I want.' Dean starts pacing the small alley, suddenly feeling like the walls are closing in until it's just him and Seth with no safety zone between them.

'I don't care about what _you_want anymore, Seth Rollins. You pestered me for over two years, tried to woo me and make me fall in love with you,' he starts shouting, glad that they're in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, where no one gives a crap about some pissed off yelling; not caring that he's kinda lying to Seth (but he's mad and hurt and no one can blame him for trying to protect himself).

'And then, the very moment I think that it's safe to give you a real chance at proving you're worth it, you bailed on me. You walked out on us in March and I knew I had made a horrible mistake allowing you–'

'Dean, come on,' Seth interjects, voice shaking as much as his hands and Dean wants to rip his jacket off the other, hating himself for even being so weak and giving it to him in the first place. Old habits obviously die hard.

He doesn't care what Seth has to say about this. He is not done with telling his side of the story and Dean needs to get this off his chest, so he can get Seth out of his system and move on.

'Shut up and listen to me. After the summit it was Roman who told me you didn't mean it like that, we were still brothers, that nothing has changed. All that crap that we both regret by now. So I jumped over my own shadow, let you back in just to see you acting all weird whenever we were alone.

'I watched you for two months climbing the walls of your own mind until I finally knew what was wrong with you last week. You joined Evolution for a reason, Seth, no matter how much you try to deny it. There was something wrong with you, me, us, whatever you wanna call it and it made you abandon us for good. It's just that this time there's no forgiveness waiting for you.'

He breathes heavily, but feels free for the first time since all this has happened. He finally said his piece; something that he had wanted to tell Seth during Raw but didn't – to not get in any trouble. He doesn't need anyone to know he followed that dipshit architect around like a lost, lovestruck puppy, eager for any kind of attention.

Seth looks at him, begs him with his eyes alone to take back what he just said. When Dean stays stubbornly silent, he tries to reach out and grab Dean's wrist but he just bats the hand away with more force than necessary.

'Dean, please, I can still fix this. I've realized how much you mean to me and that I do want to be with you. If you give me some time, I can fix this,' he begs, each word stabbing painfully into Dean's chest, neutralizing his defense mechanism in the process.

But he doesn't want to give up. Dean needs to think about himself for once. And about Roman, who is so supportive of everything concerning Seth but also terribly afraid of losing Dean to the other because the heart wants what the heart wants or some poetic shit like that.

If Seth won't be silenced by the truth, then Dean has to hurt him in another way to make sure he chokes on his words as if he's swallowing a handful of rusty nails, forced down his throat by Dean himself. 'You should have that on a shirt, before it gets old.'

'Dean, I mean it, I can fix us,' Seth repeats and Dean is already tired of hearing that. Seth can thank his lucky stars that he's blocking Dean's way or else he'd leave right now. All he has heard from Seth so far doesn't mean a thing. The boy won't fight like Dean wants him to. Instead he just resorts to begging even though he knows that Dean can't be softened up by that.

'What if I don't want you to? Whatever there has been between us, it's gone now. It's not broken, Seth, do you hear me? There is nothing to fix, because it's _not broken_. It's _gone_.'

He has done it. Delivered the final punch without touching Seth. He can watch how that verbal blow knocks the wind out of his supposedly best friend and how Seth struggles to not fall down on his knees. And it's not because he doesn't want to stain his ridiculously skinny jeans with the fluids that creep around on the ground below them.

'Dean, I love y–' His fist connects with Seth's jaw once more, shoving the words back down to where they belong. He doesn't want to hear it, _never_wants to hear that (who is he kidding? He would have sold his soul to the fucking devil to hear it just once, even if it had been in Seth's sleep or a badly disguised joke or in the heat of the moment). Not anymore.

'Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare say that out loud.'

A cheap heinous _I love you_is Seth's ultimate trump card to guide the conversation back to a path that will end in all the things Dean does not want right now. Like leaving Roman to crawl back into Seth's arms. Or listening to Seth telling him what they could do together, how wonderful it would be. How they could conquer the world.

He doesn't doubt it, not one second, but Seth has to understand that he's too late to demand it. To even friendly ask for it. Dean is not his to win over anymore, even though there are undoubtedly a lot of feelings still simmering inside both of them.

If Seth wants to be in a relationship with Dean so badly, then he better starts to understand that this will need a lot of time. The moment Dean is able to think of Seth without his heart aching like someone drives a sword into it repeatedly, without his chest constricting or his eyes starting to burn, then and only then will Dean allow himself to believe again.

Not yet in them but just in the dream that one day they can get back something akin to what they've lost last Monday.

Dean does want to smile again every time he sees Seth (and not in the _I'm gonna kill and destroy you_way) while his mind goes blank and he starts talking gibberish (kinda like when he's trying to imitate the Siva Tau from Jimmy and Jey, and Roman is laughing at him for a good hour straight), his knees give out and it suddenly gets unbearably hot in the room.

He wants a date for fuck's sake. One where Roman isn't there to hold their hands. Nothing fancy like candlelight dinner and red roses; he's not the guy for stuff like that. Just him and Seth, that's all he needs to be happy.

But Seth beating him up with the steel chair, giving him the curb stomp, handing his ass over to the Evolution has cracked something inside of Dean and Seth can't fix that. No one, other than Dean himself, can. Right now, he's not sure if he even will do it, because he likes his wounds raw and open to never forget where he got them from.

Seth is coming closer, desperation rolling off of him in waves that crush Dean, even make him nauseous to a point he has to swallow down some bile multiple times (he kinda would love to know how Seth would react if he'd threw up all over him but then again it's not so funny if the other isn't wearing one of his punk ass suits).

'Dean, I mean it. I lov–' This time he punches Seth so hard that blood starts to trickle down his bearded chin and he does fall down because he trips over his own feet while staggering back. Dean's arms twitch; they want to help Seth up but he forbids himself any body contact.

Seth is a grown up man, has shown his brothers that he doesn't need anyone and Dean won't start to feel sympathetic for him just because his pants are getting soaked with whatever. He chose this stupid place for his heart-to-heart, so he is the only one to blame for this.

'You don't get to say that anymore!' He screams his frustration and anger (and agony) out into the starry night, hands itching to hit Seth one more time, just for good measure.

Seth, finally showing Dean the man he learned to respect before he fell for him, stands up again, bloody fingers reaching out for him. This time he doesn't shy back, desperate to stand his ground at the face of evil handsomeness and the wonderful feeling of brotherhood and safety.

'But I need you to hear it,' Seth begs and Dean almost believes him. He's almost falling for it when Seth spits out some blood and Dean's eyes fixate on the red liquid shining on the black ground. He's so tired all of a sudden, could lie down and sleep right here in a puddle of urine, blood and cheap beer, just to escape the world and Seth.

In the end, it's not good enough.

'I know it already, okay? I get it. You love me,' he spits out, the words burning his throat like acid. 'Doesn't change a thing because your love fucking kills me. You hear me? _It kills me!_' He's flying off the handle, doesn't know what to think or say anymore. Dean is just sure about one thing and that's that he has to get away from Seth right now.

But there's no way out, Seth's body still cleverly blocking the way (and in his dazed mind his ex-friend looks ten times bigger than Dean knows he actually is). He is trapped in this shabby back alley, the whole world closing in on him.

He knows what's coming now, has gone through it more times than he cares to remember, but as usual, he's also not able to stop it. This will be the first panic attack in years and it's just because Dean finally got the confirmation that the person he allowed himself to love feels exactly the same; but there is no chance of a happy ever after.

It's pathetic that this is the reason for his chest to seize up and his lungs to stop working. Dean knows his whole body will start shaking every second now but he sincerely hopes that Seth won't see it. He doesn't want anyone to know about this side of him, because Dean has buried that part a long, long time ago together with the memories of his childhood.

He is a different person today, better and stronger than the kid he's once been. He has worked so hard to get his life in fucking order, and Dean won't let himself be defeated by his wimpy feelings for Seth Rollins.

Yet he stands here, Seth's blood on his hand and a panic attack rolling over him full force. He prays to a God he never believed in that he won't start crying like he used to, biting his cheek as hard as he can to divert his attention from his burning eyes. His vision gets blurry but he doesn't feel any wet streaks on his cheeks. Not yet anyway.

'Dean?' Seth asks, concern written all over his face but Dean pushes him away, barely able to stand on his own. There are weird sounds ringing in his head and he realizes belatedly that it's him, coughing and wheezing, trying with all his might to remember how to draw in air.

'Dean, what's wrong with you? Dean, come on, breathe with me. In and out.' Seth is begging him, trepidation flaring up in his eyes but Dean is too far gone; the words are lost on him. It's like someone lowered the volume around him, tuned out the world. The only thing he can hear is the deafening sound of the rugged heartbeat in his ears.

He somehow manages to shove Seth out of the way before he bends down and tries to empty his stomach, but his body is only able to dry heave. 'Dean!' he hears someone scream so loud that he tries to follow the voice with his head, desperate to escape the thick fog clogging up his mind.

He's breaking to pieces and there's no one there to help him. No brother to hold him up, no partner to ground him. He's falling into the pitch black darkness that is only fueled by fear and hysteria. Dean can't remember how he escaped it in his childhood, can't recall even a single coping mechanism. It's all gone and he is slowly suffocating.

_I'll never leave you_, a voice tries to break through the madness but it's weak and too loud at the same time. He knows that voice, loves to hear it every day of his life and his body knows instinctively that it's home; safety. It's where he belongs.

It keeps on talking, reassuring him, but he can't make out a face. All he can concentrate on is the overwhelming desire to breathe. He doesn't even care if he'll suck in the darkness again. _Dean_, it calls him softly, a tiny light breaking through the shadows.

'Dean!' His cheek suddenly stings like hell and he blinks confused, tries to piece together the information flooding his brain. There's a familiar face in front of him, the bleached patch almost blinding his eyes. Distantly he realizes he just got slapped.

Sadly, it's not enough to calm him down.

'Dean? Dean, I'm here. It's okay, just breathe. Man, talk to me. Should I go get someone?'

_No_, he wants to scream, _don't you dare leave me alone right now_, but there's no sound coming from his mouth, other than cut-off gasps and heavy pants. This all started because of him, so he better stay with Dean until it's all over.

(He definitely doesn't want to think about it later, once he's calmed down, but all the voices inside his head are screaming at Seth, begging the other to safe him. He's suffocating and he needs Seth to reach down into the darkness and pull him out before he gets buried beneath.

His panic attacks have always tried to teach him a lesson – even if he didn't want them or ignored it right after the assault had subsided – and this one practically screams at him that he's tried to live without Seth and failed miserably. He'll do everything in his power to overlook this epiphany.)

'What am I supposed to do?' Dean opens his mouth and tries to explain that this will pass in a few minutes, that he will be okay. He's had so many panic attacks in his life already that it's actually a miracle he hasn't had one for almost a decade.

All he needs to do is wait it out and convince his lungs to do their job. Seth has turned him around by now, is crouching in front of him and Dean tries to focus on the red blood oozing out of his nose while the insides of his chest seems to shrivel down like a grape turning into a raisin in fast motion. Isn't there any air left in this world for him to suck in?

'I don't– I'm gonna– just don't punch me for it, okay?' Seth pleads and grabs him by the collar to yank Dean's whole body against himself before he presses his lips on Dean's mouth. The shock and the awfully familiar sensation is enough to short-circuit his brain, and it's finally able to reboot.

His first coherent thought is _What the hell is going on?_ And then it's like someone turned up the volume of the vibrant life around them – cars honking, people laughing, strange music blasting in a nearby club. It's all there again.

So is Seth, still plastered to his mouth and Dean can feel his limbs again, as shaky as they might be. He uses his last bit of strength to thrust Seth aside, sucking all the chilly night air into his lungs while rubbing over his face. Still no tears. Gotta be grateful for the small favors in life.

'The fuck was that?' he pants, wiping his mouth to show Seth that the kiss isn't cherished. (Even though all he really wants to do is repeat it and repeat it again until their lips are swollen and Dean can taste nothing else than himself on Seth.)

Seth shrugs sheepishly, flashing him a tiny smile. 'I thought you'd hate me so much if I did it that you'd stop dying on me.' 'I wasn't _dying_,' he retorts, half-annoyed, half-thankful and wobbles to the wall to drag himself up again. 'How was I supposed to know? You definitely looked the part.'

Dean closes his eyes and leans his head against the cold stone while he's waiting for the moment he'll have full control over his body again. This wasn't the worst anxiety attack he's ever had but it was definitely the most embarrassing one. So far he's never had an audience and Seth is the last person on earth he'd wanted as a witness.

Seth coughs awkwardly and Dean opens his eyes again, watches the other get up and wipe away the blood from his chin. He's only half successful; there's still a lot of it smeared across his face. 'So, what was that?' Dean scoffs. It's pretty obvious what just happened. Yet he answers anyway, 'Panic attack. It's actually quite the fun. You should try it too one day.'

He can't define Seth's look but it's unsettling him and that's exactly what he doesn't need after the ordeal he has just gone through. 'You had a panic attack,' Seth points out and Dean's fingers itch to connect with his very punchable face again. 'You deaf? I just told you I did.'

Seth snickers (like what the heck?) and sighs happily before he starts laughing out really loud, holding his stomach with his hands. 'Oh, that's funny to you?' Dean bites out but is still too drained to get really angry at the other.

'No, sorry, it's not, I swear,' Seth presses out between violent bouts of laughter – a relieved one, Dean recognizes after a while – and props himself up on the wall next to Dean. 'Actually, I've never been so scared in my whole life,' Seth admits, turning his head to look at Dean. 'But you gotta admit, that's some good news.'

'How on earth is that good?' Dean roars, anger flaring up in him. He doesn't like being made fun of and Seth is already on very thin ice. 'Don't you get it? You got a panic attack right after you realized that I love you,' Seth explains and for a second Dean only sees red, but the ire ebbs away as fast as it conquered him.

There is no use in denying anything anymore, Seth is too smart to let himself be deceived.

'Doesn't mean it changes a thing,' he stubbornly replies and gets pinned to the stony surface when he tries to walk away. Seth looks him in the eyes, a cocky smile gracing his lips. 'It changes _everything_. You just showed me what I knew all along.'

He pushes his way out of Seth's grip, happy to be able to move again and runs his fingers through his hair, just to do something other than throttling Seth. 'And what would that be, princess?' There's a quiet chuckle following his question before he hears the one answer he never wanted to get. (Because it makes everything undeniably real.)

'My love doesn't kill you. It has changed you, even liberated you.'

Seth looks like he just beat every existing CrossFit record. Dean is torn between enjoying what he sees and slapping that jubilant look off his face. It bothers him a lot that Seth knows exactly how his mind works. The other can read him like the damn Bible. Dean Ambrose obviously has been translated into every fucking language, so that even the dumbest, most inapt two-toned backstabbing dork can easily see through him.

'Don't,' he warns Seth or himself – he doesn't really know anymore – and even though Seth stops laughing and joins him at the wall again, Dean knows that they've reached the point of no return. He can't lie through his teeth like Seth, can't say anything that will erase the past few minutes. The truth is out there and Dean will have to live with it.

He's horribly tired and ready to go back to the hotel. He's heard enough (not from Seth but from his own mind) and he'll have to think about all of this before he can talk to Seth again.

But then the backs of their hands touch and it's like a spark of electricity runs through his body, jolting him awake. (Well, this is kind of what he wanted, isn't it? He should be careful what he wished for.) Dean is dead certain that it wasn't just a coincidence.

That manipulative little bastard.

He does it again and again while they stay silent and each touch sets Dean's entire body on fire. He's almost reached the point where he can't stand any more contact when Seth plucks up his courage and just entwines their fingers.

It's a natural reflex that he wants to yank his hand free but Seth has seen this reaction coming and holds onto him as if his dear life depends on it. Dean sighs audibly and lets Seth hide their joined hands in his own jacket's pocket while trying to relax. Seth isn't here to harm him more than he already has and this is a step in the right direction. Wherever that path will lead them.


	8. i'm my own worst enemy

No warnings, no nothing. Just a nice ending to an exhausting conversation. Sorry this took me so long. The news of Dean and Roman splitting up on good terms kinda broke me and I had to recover from that first. (But then again, we finally get more Mox vibes and Seth's new ring gear is awesome. I love it! More if the shirt is on but I'm just weird like that XD) Have fun and thanks for all the comments, new favs and followers! 

* * *

Seth's attention is solely focused on their hands, so Dean takes the opportunity to grab his phone and blindly write a text to Roman. He prays he types what he wants to (_Can you come pick me up? I'm not ready for this yet_, plus the address) and hopes that he won't think of this as an act of cowardice tomorrow morning.

This whole situation is just too much to handle right now and Dean would like to make things out with himself before he thinks about any possible future step.

He feels dizzy and miserable when he forces his hand to part from Seth's, misses the comfortable warmth the second the cold night air hits his skin. To cover up the awkward silence (and Seth's disappointment), he walks around a few steps before he turns back to the other and looks at him expectantly.

'So, what's the plan?'

Seth's smile comes back full force and Dean instantly regrets asking. But he has to bridge the waiting time somehow and he'd very much like to know what Seth wants to do to charm Dean once again.

'Oh, I thought that we'd continue our feud, you know irritate and annoy the shit out of each other, interfere in our business,' Seth starts rambling happily but Dean shakes his head and butts in, 'No, not _that_ plan.'

Seth's mouth forms an adorable 'o' before he averts his gaze and fiddles with Dean's jacket again. 'What? You don't have one to save me from the ditch I'm gonna end up in, uh roughly six days?' he asks, voice too thin and angry to be mistaken for sarcasm. Seth's words still echo in his head, adding insult to injury.

Seth stays quiet, unable to come up with something witty or pathetic to response, so Dean automatically uses the silence to his advantage. 'You're not scared Roman will let his unstoppable hate and fury out on me? You don't wanna be my Prince Charming?'

Not that he needs anyone to control Roman, because that man isn't a machine powered by those things. No, that's only Dean. (Everything is always so personal with him.) Roman Reigns is the sweetest, most protective guy Dean has ever met and he would never hurt someone if it isn't strictly necessary.

'You know I said that to please Triple H,' he finally whispers exasperated, like Dean is a stubborn child that won't take no for an answer. There's just one more thing Dean wants to add, one more thing that's bugging him because he hates being called a leftover or part of a broken faction.

'And just so you don't forget, Ro and I owe you nothing. You didn't create us, nor were you responsible for our success. We might be the, hm, what words were used? Oh yeah, the pathetic remnants of The Shield but at least we can still look each other in the eyes.'

Seth sighs – he's never heard him do that this often in just one conversation – and pinches the bridge of his nose tiredly. 'Dean, I have to call you an impotent lunatic and Rome a mindless, aggressive robot. I can't go out there now and compliment you on your handsome features or whatever you want to hear from me. If Hunter or anyone else finds out what I'm really doing, I'll probably end up six feet under.'

Dean wants to say that it's entirely Seth's fault for pulling off this stunt by himself but the words won't come out. Maybe because the other looks like he's one insult away from actually breaking.

'Alright, I got it out of my system and you know that Ro and I aren't joking around in the ring. Perfect timing to come back to your _brilliant_plan regarding us,' Dean concludes and turns to the right to take a look at his watch. Roman should be here in maybe five minutes, depending on when he read the message.

He really hopes his brother will come and drag him away from here because Dean is sure he can't leave without turning back at one point. He needs Roman to prevent him from rushing back to that ninja turtle.

Seth isn't as eager to talk about this as he's been moments ago and Dean guesses it's because he doesn't have a precise plan for them yet. Or because Dean hasn't reacted the way he'd envisioned and the thought alone makes him unbelievably proud, because Seth Rollins always has a plan, always thinks ahead. Yet Dean is the only thing he can't predict. Never has been able to.

'Roll with the flow?' Seth shrugs and Dean laughs shallowly. 'Stop kidding, I wanna know how you'll bug me from now on.' Seth kicks an empty bottle out of the way. 'I don't know. I guess, I'll do everything I already did.'

So he can expect random kisses and snuggling sessions, unplanned, sappy displays of love and Seth following his every step. Just with the extra stipulation that all of that won't happen during work time ever again. No, Dean is safe there – well, most of the time. But that also means... Oh, he must be kidding. No way. Not with him. Dean is better than that.

'How do you expect this to work, huh? You betray and attack us, join Evolution and cuddle with those cream puffs at night but whenever your head is not stuck in Triple H's ass you make a booty call?' There's a flash of guilt in Seth's eyes and Dean feels his temper flare up again. What is that idiot even thinking?

'Oh, I'm gonna be your dirty little secret? You know what? Fuck you, Seth. I might not be everybody's darling but I still deserve better than that,' he roars, fingers curling into fists. He knows he can be glad for every partner that chooses to be with him; that there aren't a lot of people who have enough patience to put up with him and his antics but that doesn't mean that he has to degrade himself to become someone's little bitch.

He'd rather die lonely and forsaken than try to please an ungrateful asshole that treats him like shit.

Seth shakes his head a few times before he steps closer to put his hands on Dean's shoulders. Whatever he will say now must be important because he won't allow Dean to avert his gaze, grabbing his chin with two fingers, forcing him to look into those mesmerizing brown eyes.

He's drowning in them before he even gets the chance to steel himself to stay strong. He's never been able to resist them. That damn newborn puppy charm.

'I know,' Seth eventually whispers, impossibly sad but tenacious and Dean has to blink several times to understand what just happened. For a moment he doubts that he's really heard Seth agreeing with him.

'I deserve better than _you_,' he points out once more, voice steady and cold, hell-bent on delivering the final blow. Seth still holds his chin firmly between his fingers but Dean can feel them start to shake and slip until Seth is forced to either retreat or reinforce his grip.

Surprisingly he doesn't move even an inch. There's a small, dejected smile dancing across Seth's face, turning his whole demeanor into a sorrowful one and Dean's heart starts to beat violently in his chest.

He's suddenly horribly afraid that this is it. That Seth will give up on him because Dean is too stubborn and mean; because he's not worth all the trouble. (Deep down, he really wants to be. Just once.)

He might deserve more and someone better than Seth but that little dork is still the only person he wants to have in his life. As a brother, a soul mate and a lifelong partner. It's always been Seth, friend or foe.

'I know, Dean. I know,' Seth repeats and lets got of Dean's chin. For a painfully long moment Dean feels dizzy and like he's falling apart without Seth holding him in place, but then Seth's face comes closer and the other rests his forehead on Dean's.

So they are both aware that Dean is worthy of more. Hell, even Seth thinks he's not good enough which is... new to Dean. He's never met another person who thought that Dean is more desirable than any other human being.

He's never been wanted by someone else, never been put on a pedestal, never been worshiped like this. And yet, here he is, denying himself (and the one person he wants with every fiber of his being) their heart's desire.

'I know,' Seth whispers again, warm breath ghosting over Dean's skin. It tickles but it makes the moment weirdly personal – this is definitely the most intimate one they've ever shared; including all the kisses the younger has shamelessly stolen from him.

'But I don't want to lose you,' he adds, fingers creeping their way back to his face, holding him securely in place. He wouldn't have the energy to break free anyway, but Seth doesn't need to know that.

'I'm right here,' Dean answers truthfully, all defiance and anger gone for the moment. His body is melting away under Seth's careful touch and all Dean can do is close his eyes before he sinks deeper into those chocolate brown eyes.

They stay like this for a few seconds or maybe a whole lifetime, Dean can't tell the difference. He concentrates on the breath grazing his cheeks and the goose pumps running up and down his body.

There's a moment of awkward silence when Seth falters a bit before he exhales; Dean almost opens his eyes to see what's wrong, but then Seth is kissing him – desperate and sloppy –, like he's has forgotten how to properly do it or he's terrified that Dean will beat him to a bloody pulp.

But Dean doesn't even have the will to fight in him anymore. Not that he particularly wants to break the kiss anyway. He likes to think that he's entitled to this one before he hides behind all his forts again and they go back to hating each other's guts.

Before Roman comes to pick him up. This is only about him and Seth, and as much as he loves Roman, he's not keen on sharing this with his brother.

Seth seems to be perplexed that Dean hasn't moved a single muscle, let alone responded to the kiss in any way. Surprised and a bit unsure which is probably why he takes a step back to look at Dean, just to dive into his personal space once more, crashing against Dean's mouth like the impatient, enthusiastic, risk-taking boy he is.

It's a brutal kiss (Dean is tempted to call it a biting contest), physically hurting more than it's sensual but it also yanks Dean out of his numbness, making him grab Seth's silky hair; torn between pushing him away and pulling him in closer.

In the end (the moment he tastes blood without knowing for sure if it's Seth's or his own), he just gives up and lets Seth do whatever he wants to. Dean isn't ready to deal with the consequences of this yet and he is so not willing to take on the responsibility for this make-out session. He hopes Seth won't read too much into his behavior until Dean knows what to make of this.

Seth seems to come to his senses again because he stops trying to chew off Dean's bottom lip like a starving wolf and instead kisses him tenderly, almost trying to caress Dean's bruised lips with his own.

He enjoys this more than he should but thankfully his body doesn't betray him in the most crucial moment. It's not showing any signs of arousal – even though this _is_ pretty nice – helping him to get rid of Seth without actually doing anything.

His former brother eventually breaks the kiss but refuses to move away. Instead he almost nuzzles Dean's nose with his own while their foreheads touch again. It's a companionable silence they share but it sadly doesn't last long. Seth has much more questions than Dean can ever answer.

'Why are you so hell-bent on holding a grudge against me?'

And this is definitely one of them. Why isn't he asking about Roman, who also hasn't forgiven Seth? (He is perfectly aware of the _why_ but at this moment he'd take any way out of this conversation.)

Dean sighs and pushes his way past Seth to get some space and be able to just breathe. He has never told his brothers about his past, only ever barely grazed over it so they would know the most basic things. But the answer to this question lies in there and Dean has to open up some more to help Seth understand that he really did commit the most unforgivable sin.

It's easier for him to speak about this when he's not facing Seth. He doesn't want to see _the look_ on the other's face. The one he always gets when he tells parts of his story. He needs no sympathy and he sure as hell won't accept it – not even from a brother.

He sucks in some air and clears his throat before the words tumble out of his mouth. He's not really ready for this but he most likely never will be, so now is as good as any other day. And Roman will be here soon anyway, finally tugging him out of the danger zone.

'My whole life I was a loner because everyone who got close to me ended up leaving, betraying and hurting me. Everyone. After a few years I realized that something inside of me was not right and it made people leave me, so I stayed away from them, denied myself so-called friends in order to not get abandoned again. I tried to protect myself from them, but also shielded other people from me.'

Seth gasps and Dean knows he wants to cut in but Dean just continues to talk, throat unpleasantly tight, the truth hurting his mouth like razor blades. There's the first initial cut that sets you free, the first sight and taste of blood that grounds you, but then there's the raw flesh complaining about being ripped apart against its will by stinging sharply.

Telling Seth all this is a gift and a curse. Things will never be the same after this. Just like the knowledge of Dean's panic attacks will change a lot. It always does. Even though Dean insists that he's still _Dean_. That nothing between them is any different now. Nobody ever listened to him though, so he stopped explaining anything altogether.

'For twenty-five years I battled all of my wars alone until the day you and Ro stepped into my life and everything changed. I couldn't even stop it, you two just waltzed your way into it, ignored any kind of protective barriers, and then there came the day I thought _okay, this is it. Your time as the lone wolf is over_.'

His whole life he had told myself he didn't need anyone and suddenly there were two guys who changed that. It had been the best years of his life. But then he grew dependent on them and everything went down the drain. Guess life really loves to fuck him over.

He'd been so stupid, hadn't he?

'Bit by bit I lowered my guard to let you in at my pace. Because deep down I knew you'd leave me as soon as you saw the real me. The one that always drove everyone away. But you didn't and I started to believe – in the first time in fucking ever – that maybe this was fate. That it was the thing everybody around me always kept talking about.'

Soul mates, best friends forever, brothers, lovers. All things Dean has avoided like the pest in his past because he thought he didn't deserve it. Because people told him he wasn't worthy of it. Only sweet and lovable guys could get their happy ever after. That's what people violently beat into his brain with their gigantic fists until he finally understood that no one could ever love a starving, stray, violent dog.

He laughs bitterly and slings his arms around his chest, distancing himself even further from Seth. It's the only way to prevent Dean from hurting himself in front of his friend. He doesn't need to add anything to the _raging lunatic_ stereotype.

'It was... amazing,' he almost spits the word out even though it's the truth. 'You two were able to fill the void, you managed to calm me down, anchored me. The two of you didn't throw me away like some worthless piece of trash. No, you stayed, even after you saw with your own eyes how ruthless and crazy I can get.'

If the right triggers are pulled, he turns into a fucking harbinger of death. It's not safe being around him. 'You were the first real friends I ever had. And the good part?' he asks and turns around, prepared to wipe the anguish off Seth's face. But the other isn't even looking at him.

Seth is kneeling again, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his arm. There's no a single trace of sympathy on his face; just regret. Well, it's too late for that now, isn't it?

'You thought I was worth it. Worth all the trouble I cause, worth the fight to keep me around.' It had been the best feeling in the world because it had proven all those people from his past wrong. He had found a family that loved him. Even someone like him could get that.

'You guys made me realize that, yeah, I can open up and trust you because you were more than just friends. Or business partners,' he adds to provoke Seth but the other just sighs and closes his eyes. Not exactly what he wants.

'The three of us, we were brothers, equals, together and in it for life. But I was wrong again, wasn't I?' He's a fucking idiot. Why did he want to believe so badly that this time it'd be different?

Dean takes a look at his watch. It's almost three am. Roman hasn't answered his text but Dean is sure he's on his way – which means that he has to wrap this story up. 'You, Seth,' he accuses the other and that does make him stir.

He looks up at him, eyes tired and almost lifeless. As if the realization of the true damage he's inflicted on Dean is slowly killing him. 'You proved to me, twice I might add, that I can't trust anyone. That I was right all along. I was born alone, I will die alone and I have to live my life on my own.'

Dean expected a long, thoughtful silence but Seth is already on his feet again, approaching him with a suspicious expression. 'You can cut me out of your life but Roman gets to stay?'

'Well, for one he hasn't betrayed me. And for two, he's _family_. I'm not letting go of it another time. Even if it's the last thing I'll ever do,' he explains in a rushed breath, eager to get it all out before he can take his words back.

Dean wants to throw more at Seth, wants to tell him that he has managed to break their little family completely, so that he and Roman now have to pick up the scattered pieces. That they have to start again from the very beginning and how he hopes so much that one day they will have a relationship in which they don't secretly think _Is he lying to me?_ or _When _(not if) _will he leave me? How can I ever trust him again?_ but the words refuse to come out of his mouth.

Seth knows this well enough without Dean emphasizing it over and over. And he refuses to give that little suit puppy the satisfaction of defeating them. No matter what happens in the future, Dean won't let go of Roman. He has gotten used to the other so much that losing him forever would surely end Dean's life. Which is probably also the reason why he can't let go of Seth either.

'So you're trusting him but you won't give me a chance?' Seth asks hurt and a tiny bit angry, biting on his bottom lip to keep more accusations from spilling out. Dean throws his hands in the air and sighs loudly. 'Nobody is trusting anyone – thanks to you – and that's exactly the problem!'

Seth tugs at his hair frustatedly, loosening up the knot it had been in and Dean watches with a heavy heart how that perfect hair falls down on the younger's shoulders. His mind instantly wants to take him back to a time before the summit, but he just digs his fingernails deep into the still healing mirror shard wound. At this rate, it'll never close.

'Will you ever be able to forgive me?' Dean shrugs and has to suppress a smile when he sees Roman round the corner behind Seth. Oh God, finally. Roman Reigns to the rescue.

He tries not to look at his brother to not give Seth any reason to turn around. The later he realizes that this is over, the easier it'll be for Roman to walk Dean out of here. 'I don't know, Seth,' he answers slowly and Roman's steps falter a bit.

In fact, he seems to be a bit paler than usual too, if Dean squints his eyes and takes a better, inconspicuous look. Dean has the sinking feeling that Roman has heard a lot of this conversation – maybe more than he had wanted the other to know. This night just keeps getting better and better.

But he has to finish this conversation one way or another; he just needs to take care to not say anything that Roman (or Seth) could take the wrong way. He really doesn't need any more drama.

'It's not like you stole my favorite cookie out of the jar or drank the last beer on earth,' he tries to lighten the mood but the sorrow-stricken glance Seth shoots him shows him he's totally messed it up. Roman manages a thin smile though, so Dean isn't too unhappy about it.

'First of all, you need to give me some time. Actually, a lot of it.' He doesn't add that it probably takes a lifetime until he can trust, forgive or love anyone again; that he'll most likely die before he'll be able to do any of that but he stays silent once again. Some things are better left unsaid.

'Why are you making it so hard for me to redeem myself?' Seth suddenly bursts out, coming dangerously close again and Dean can see Roman taking a few steps closer, concern and the wish to protect written all over his pale face. He holds up a single finger to stop his raging brother without Seth noticing.

'_Why_?' he mocks Seth and pushes him out of the way to walk up to Roman, finally feeling safe and secure again. 'Rome?' he hears Seth breathe in disbelief and smiles triumphantly back at him. 'In the flesh.'

Seth is obviously taken aback, doesn't know what to do or say. He just stands there, hands awkwardly hanging in the air, his whole body tensing up. Roman's arrival means some really bad news and a look of betrayal flashes over Seth's face (now look at that) as soon as he realizes that Dean has called him for backup.

'Ready to go?' Roman wants to know, eyeing Seth warily. Dean nods even though there's a huge part of him that would like to stay and keep Seth close to his heart forever. He needs to shut this side of him down or he'll go completely crazy one day.

'Will you at least answer my question?' Seth pleads, the defeat heavy in his voice. But Dean knows that Seth will get up on his feet again. He may have lost the first battle but the war is far from over.

Roman raises his eyebrows at Dean, sending a silent message that he's fine with waiting, so Dean looks back over his shoulder and says the one thing Seth should already know himself.

'Because we weren't _just_ brothers.'

There's an infuriated outcry erupting behind them, and Dean feels Roman's body stiffen beside him. He's acting kinda weird and it genuinely worries Dean. How much has he heard? Has he heard anything at all? Did something happen that Dean isn't aware of? God, he's too tired to have another meaningful talk about feelings and all that tonight. But then again, he'd do anything for Roman.

'You're making no sense at all!' True. Nothing makes sense to him anymore these days, so why should he act like he's the sanest person around? Dean doesn't know what he's doing most of the time – actually all of the time – and Seth knows that very well. Why is he the one who has to be logical? That's not him.

Roman chuckles quietly, holds up his right fist, and cocks it as if it is a shot gun. The motion almost makes him laugh out loud. There's an unasked question flickering across Roman's eyes and Dean nods with a grin.

Permission granted.

He doesn't watch how Roman walks back to Seth and punches him in his cute face. But he listens to the smack echoing loudly in the alley and Seth doubling over coughing while managing a surprised and shock gasp.

Dean counts Roman's footsteps (four huge ones until he's standing next to him again, handing over his leather jacket) and forces himself to smile when his friend murmurs – loud enough for Seth to hear, 'That felt so good. Should've already done it at the summit.'

Seth doesn't complain, nor does he run after them. He takes his punishment like a man which is maybe the first real surprise of this evening.

'You okay?' Roman whispers and Dean claps him on the shoulder. 'Could ask the same of you. You look horrible.' He expects him to prevaricate but Roman just sags his shoulders and shakes his head slightly. 'It's all just a bit too much to swallow.' Dean bumps playfully into his brother's side until he elicits a faint laugh from the other.

'It'll get easier,' he tries to cheer Roman up but deep down he doubts it will.

A few days later they're in a nice and comfortable hotel room and Dean is trying to massage his left shoulder to get rid of some of the pain. Seth used to do this before – well, before shit hit the fan and Dean is reluctant to ask Roman.

His brother has acted a bit strange since his conversation with Seth and he's getting more agitated with each passing day, because the last time he watched one of his brothers do that, he ended up with a steel chair in his face and one family member less.

But Roman isn't ready to share his thoughts yet and just like he had to wait for Dean to open up, the only thing Dean can do now is be patient too. Which... yeah. So slamming himself against a wall to drown out pain by adding more pain seems like a pretty legit option until Roman's cell rings on the table.

Roman is showering, so Dean could risk a peek. He's terribly curious about all the texts Roman gets these days while Seth leaves him alone most of the time.

He's debating with himself for about one minute until he growls and decides to punish himself later for invading his best friend's privacy like this. It really is Seth writing him. What could be so important that they constantly talk but leave Dean out of it?

He opens the message after listening to the steady rush of the water from the next room. He doesn't need Roman catching him in the act.

_Dean's injury was not planned. Hope he's alright. Monday: Battle Royal for last vacant MITB spot. You and Dean are banned. I do have a way in for you though: Vicky. These days, she always (!) has to get iced coffee for Hunter/Steph. You know what that means. Oh, and charm her. You got this. I'll take care of Dean. S_

Hold the fucking phone. They're working together now? What the heck happened? Roman will have to answer some serious questions as soon as Dean can bring this up without giving away that he spied on him.

There's just no way to ever get rid of Seth. This proves it. He better starts to – oh, how he hates saying that word – _adapt_ to it. God fucking dammit.


	9. it is my right to feel happy p1

A lot of people came to me and said how horrible they feel for Roman; asked me about his thoughts, so here we go. I hope you guys find the answers you were looking for =) This fic is already finished, but it got so long that had to divide it into 3 chapters. I just hope that my prediction for tonight's Raw (especially the MitB ladder match for the contract) won't be too far off. I'll post chapter 2 on Wednesday and the last one on Friday. That being sad, have fun!

* * *

'Hey, you got another one,' Dean yells from the bedroom and Roman sighs at his reflection tiredly. It's well past three am and he's so burned out, could fall asleep standing right here, still dripping wet from the shower.

'What's he saying now?' he shoots back, well aware that Dean has read the message already (being the nosy little boy he is). He's walked in on the other while stalking his phone yesterday – shocked and hurt at the heavy breach of confidence. What happened then... wasn't pretty. Roman would be lying if he'd say that Dean's spying helped mend their relationship.

He still feels weird when he thinks about Dean reading his messages but after their argument he can understand the motive behind his behavior. He would probably freak out too if the roles were reversed and Seth would be writing Dean constantly. Which is why he gave his brother the permission to read Seth's texts as long as he stays away from everything else. It's the first rule they've established since the three of them became brothers.

'Asking about my shoulder. Why is he not talking to me? Haven't heard from him in forever. Kinda makes me miss that ninja goob,' Dean mumbles, obviously pouting, and crashes into the bathroom. Even though Dean obviously knows no boundaries it's good to see that their little brawl hasn't changed too much. They're both trying really hard and not at all at the same time. (Sometimes Seth is right, going with the flow helps a lot if you don't want to complicate things.)

'Dean, what the– Don't come in,' Roman sputters, trying to reach for a towel to cover himself but Dean doesn't even look at him; just opens the cabinet and rummages through it, all the while muttering to himself how stupid Seth is for avoiding him like that and how he has seen Roman's package so often that he could describe it very detailed in his sleep.

Thanks for the mental imagine he'll never get rid of again.

'Dude, privacy,' he reminds Dean while giving him a gentle clap on the back of his head and Dean makes a dismissive noise while he staggers out of the room again, holding up a tube and his phone like a trophy.

'Should I answer him?' Dean wants to know, voice carefully guarded but Roman knows that everything in Dean craves for finally talking to the kid again. 'Seriously, why is he avoiding me _now_?'

'Miss getting wooed?' He doesn't point out that the last time these two talked Seth got punched pretty hard three times – just to get another hit from Roman. Of course is he reluctant to throw himself at Dean full force right now.

No, Seth has a different strategy at the moment and that includes Roman (against his will, he might add). He's sending him confidential information from the Authority to show his eagerness to help them in his own way – and Roman appreciates that, he really does, but there's still a lot of ill-will simmering inside of him.

What bothers him the most is that Seth obviously uses Roman to soften up Dean and that... just no. He didn't even get a stupid _I'm sorry for hurting you_; nothing. Seth ignores that kind of perfectly, so Roman does his best to never answer, and never say thank you even though it goes against everything his parents have taught him.

Anger still flares up whenever he thinks about Sunday night (before he caught Dean in the act), when Seth approached him at his car while Dean was still in the building, searching for his bag (which Seth had stolen to have some time alone with Roman like some kind of high school bully).

_'Have you seen my stuff?' Dean turns around looking like a lost puppy and Roman lets his gaze wander around, only now realizing that Dean's bag is gone. 'No,' he answers and ties his shoes, already having a suspicion who might have taken his stuff. And if that turns out to be true, he can expect to meet a certain someone as soon as Dean is running around the arena aimlessly, trying to get back his clothes, wallet and mobile._

_Somebody should punch that kid just for that. Roman is more than willing to volunteer for it._

_'I'll wait outside,' he announces but Dean is already wandering off, mumbling to himself. Roman grabs his own duffel and walks to the parking lot. He distantly hears Dean screaming at whoever to better help him find his stuff or he'll bust his head. Always so charming, isn't he?_

_Roman hasn't even time to breathe in the cool night air when Seth joins him, still wearing his new ring clothes (and boy, doesn't that look like a too tight villain version of the Shield gear?) with only a hoodie to cover up his bare chest. Wait a second, isn't that one of Dean's? How– why is he even wondering how the other got hold of that? Seth really is a ninja, striking (or stealing) when you least expect him to._

_'Did you get my text?' Of course he did. Unfortunately, he did. Roman would like to know why Seth thinks it's appropriate to give him information concerning the Authority and how he thinks that any of that will help._

_Okay, he has to give Seth some credit for being so bold and fearless to act as a spy and telling him what Triple H has in store for them. He even is kind of thankful for Seth letting them know that there will be a Battle Royal for the last vacant spot and how he can get in but Roman is still too disappointed in Seth to admit any of that out loud._

_'About tomorrow and what you should do,' Seth presses on because Roman won't answer, won't even look at him; he just walks a bit faster to their car – and look at that, they accidentally seem to have parked it next to Seth's earlier. But the younger is not giving up that easily, just jogs next to him and keeps on talking._

_'Rome, you need to get in that match.' Okay, he's had enough. Ignoring the kid doesn't work, so he slams his fist on the roof of the car and turns around angrily, nostrils flaring, mouth pressed tight together. 'What. Do. You. Want?' he grits out and Seth stops moving altogether, swaying between being shocked and relieved. And because he's always trying to see the positive side, he decides to be happy that Roman broke his silence._

_'I want to help, Rome. Listen, I don't have much time. Here, take this,' he whispers now, looking around to make sure they're still alone. It's only now that Roman realizes what a risk Seth is taking. It makes him proud and pisses him off at the same time. He doesn't need Seth's help, doesn't want it. Yet he takes the tiny bottle Seth holds out to him._

_'What's that?' he asks suspiciously and Seth laughs nervously. 'Trust me, you don't want to know. Just put that in the coffee Vickie gets for Hunter and Steph.' Seriously? Is that guy even for real? 'You want me to drug them?' he hisses and hides the damn bottle in his jeans._

_Seth nods eagerly, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. How did he even end up with those two? One brother would have been the world's biggest super-villain and the other the world's most unpredictable chaos. How come he never realized how dangerous Seth can actually be? He really needs to thank the Lord that Seth is still playing for their team or else they would probably be dead by now; at the bottom of some lake, dragged down by ill-fitting cement shoes._

_'With them out of the picture, you can easily charm your way into the match and win it.' Yeah, easy as pie. Because defeating the whole locker room is like stealing a lollipop from a little kid. 'Why do you care?' he asks the only question that's been bugging him since that initial text._

_Seth looks up surprised, as if it's totally obvious why he's still helping his former business partners. Roman wants to punch that look off his face but he doesn't want to ruin Seth's glasses. He's already broken a fare amount of them – just like Dean – and he knows that Dean really digs these black-rimmed ones._

_'I told you, I'm trying to fix it.' Oh, so this is all just about him and Dean. Thanks for nothing, then. It's not like he is Seth's big brother or anything like that. He doesn't deserve any of Seth's attention because he decided to stay out of the _I put my junk in your face and enjoy it _business. Someone is in dire need of a Superman punch. Or a dozen of them._

_'It?' he spits out, searching for his car keys to get away from this stupid idiot. 'I think you wanted to say, you're trying to fix you and Dean.' Seth grabs his wrist and yanks him around, pushes him against the door easily, so that Roman has no other choice than to look him in the eyes. 'I mean _everything_.'_

_Fine. He's leaving it at that. For the moment. Even though he really wants to scream into Seth's face how he wouldn't have to try so hard fixing everything if he'd never walked out on them. Because he needed some space. As if they wouldn't have granted him that wish._

_'What am I supposed to tell Dean?' Seth lets go of him, a confused expression settling on his features. 'About what?' About Seth wanting Roman to drug their bosses. About Seth constantly texting him instead of Dean. About working together with this turncoat. Why does Seth expect Roman to break the news to their brother? It puts him into a position he doesn't want to be in. _

_Lying to Dean, hiding things from him – it has been driving him crazy for the past six days. It's taking its toll on him and it has to stop. Now._

_'All your texts,' seems like a good enough start and Seth shoots him a bewildered glance that makes his stomach drop. Seth had assumed Roman had told Dean everything already. 'The truth?' he answers a bit hesitantly._

_'He's really offended that you only talk to me.' Seth sighs and rubs over his beard, all energy leaving his body. He suddenly seems ten years younger and so desperate that he even manages to melt Roman's heart for a moment. 'I don't know what to say to him.'_

_Well, it's definitely not helping that he ignores Dean as much as Roman is ignoring him. There's so much more at stake between these two and Roman doesn't want to be caught in the middle. 'You write me complete nonsense most of the time,' he shouts upset, not caring about anything anymore. Seth steps closer, a haunted look in his eyes, and lays his finger on Roman's lips. 'Shh,' he urges him, begs him even but Roman is so done with everything._

_'You never respond anyway,' Seth accuses him when Roman pushes the other off himself. 'I don't wanna talk to you,' he roars back, enjoying the panic Seth has to endure now way too much. 'Rome, keep it down!' Oh no, not a chance in hell. 'I don't care.' He has the right to be angry, the right to shout as much as he wants to, and he damn well has any right in the world to be saddened by Seth's past and recent actions. He wants to let it all out too. Why does he have to be the reasonable, responsible one all the time. Seth betrayed him too._

_'I'm trying to help,' Seth grits out, voice rising now. Roman is pretty sure that he's even flexing his muscles under Dean's hoodie but he practically drowns in it, so there's nothing that could impress him. 'Good for you,' he yells, pushing Seth away once again. That kid is definitely invading his personal space too much._

_Seth comes a step closer (that's a risk Roman wouldn't take if he were him, because there's a lot of rage that just waits for one wrong word from Seth and he'll be on the receiving end of a whole series of punches) when Dean stumbles out of the arena empty-handed, not even bothering to look up while pouting, 'Ro, I can't find my stuff any–'_

_Dean stops himself when he's standing a few feet away from them, eyebrows shooting up at the sight that greets him. Seth with his hands in the air, Roman pressed up against the car, both obviously infuriated. It probably gives Dean the completely wrong impression._

_'What's going on?' he asks warily and Roman uses the moment of silence to push himself off the car. 'Nothing,' he answers, voice distanced and cold and it makes him cringe on the inside that he treats his own brother like this. 'He just wanted to leave anyway.'_

_Seth nods and goes to his car, not even bothering to look at least one last time at Dean (who could really use any kind of sign that doesn't say _Yes, I kissed you but guess what? I changed my mind. Again, ha ha_). Roman's insides hurt painfully when he catches Dean looking after Seth with a mixture of longing, confusion and desperation in his eyes. It doesn't fit him and Roman wants to hold Dean close until it's gone for good._

_But then Dean's expression changes and Roman wants to laugh when Dean turns to him. 'Hey, is that my–' Seth's head shoots up the moment he realizes that Dean recognized his own hoodie and interrupts him, still avoiding his gaze. 'I'll be in touch,' he lets Roman know (it sounds more like a threat to him) and drives away as fast as he can. 'I'll be in touch?' Dean repeats slowly, not able to put two and two together. _

_'What was that all about?' he finally asks and Roman's fingers brush over the little bottle in his pocket, its weight suddenly too much to bear. 'Nothing,' he deflects automatically, not sure when and how he will be able to tell Dean everything. Hell, he doesn't even know why he's still hiding it from his brother._

_Dean just looks at him for a long time, trying to figure out what's going on and Roman can feel the waves of disappointment hitting him with full force. Finally, Dean murmurs a thin _okay _before he gets in the car. Roman just stands there and breathes. This is all too complicated to ever be okay again. Seth has a lot of fixing to do._

_'Hey, you found my bag,' Dean pipes up and Roman bends down to look into the car. 'I did what?' Dean points at the backseat, his duffel really lying there. 'Well, obviously I did,' Roman corrects himself, not even wondering anymore that Seth broke into their car to place it there. This family is the bane of his existence._

'Don't you dare write anything back,' he finally commands and Dean sticks his head into the bathroom just to roll his eyes at him. 'You have to answer him eventually. He won't stop until you do.'

He knows. He fucking knows how stupidly stubborn Seth is, but he refuses to show the kid any kind of affection as long as he hasn't even gotten a simple apology. Not that he would accept it right away, but it'd be a start. Something he could finally work with.

'If it's nothing serious, I don't care,' Roman says walking into the room to grab his sweatpants and tank top. Dean watches his cell on the bed for a while before he sinks back against the couch just to jump up wincing and holding his left shoulder.

'Told you it wouldn't help,' he reprimands Dean once again. He has already told his brother an hour ago that his very special kind of Dean Ambrose logic (running against the wall repeatedly to drown out the pain in his arm by adding more of it – like seriously, who does that? There's a higher chance that Dean ends up dislocating his shoulder) is totally useless.

But Roman will probably die before the day comes that Dean listens to anyone, so he doesn't try to care too much.

Which isn't working very well. Watching Dean flinging himself against the unforgiving surface is doing things to him too. Like making him nervous and sad at the same time. He knows what Dean is waiting for – most likely unconsciously because it has been like this for the past 18 months – but he's reluctant to make a move.

It's not his privilege and yet he is the only one who can give it to Dean at the moment. Seth has already urged him to do it, begged him to take care of Dean as long as he's out of the picture but Roman isn't sure if he should interfere in something that has nothing to do with him.

He wants to be there for his little brother, but doing something only Seth used to do feels strange and like he's running around on territory he shouldn't be sticking even a single toe in.

Roman sits on the bed and watches Dean rubbing at the sore shoulder, eyeing the wall suspiciously. It's in that moment that his body takes over and his mouth says the words without his doing. Part of him obviously has seen enough of Dean destroying himself. 'Come here.'

Dean shoots him a quizzical glance, not sure if he's really heard the plea. Roman even managed the same intonation Seth had always used. Fond but exasperated. 'You don't have to,' Dean tries to wave off Roman's offer, but he just pats on the free space next to him on the bed. 'Get your ass over here before I rip off that arm of yours myself.'

Dean laughs a bit unsure and strips off his sneakers and jeans. 'You really don't have to.' It's Roman's time to roll his eyes while he forces Dean down by his good shoulder. 'Shut up and try to relax. And if I hear one moan from you, I'm gonna stab you in the face.'

This time Dean laughs loudly and jabs a finger in his ribs. 'Don't worry, big man, you don't turn me on.' He smacks Dean good-naturedly over the head again. 'Rude.'

As soon as Dean is lying in front of him, flat on his belly, eyes closed and ready for some action, Roman has a minor breakdown. Seth has always climbed on top of Dean to sit down on his hips or legs but Roman doesn't think it'd be appropriate for him to mirror that too.

So he scoots as close as he can to have a good access to Dean's left shoulder, puts some of the oil from the tube on his hands and starts massaging it carefully. Dean doesn't complain (or moan – he's heard enough of that for a whole lifetime) but Roman can feel him going completely limp after a while.

He doesn't even try to hide his satisfied and proud grin. They're making progress, while they also tread a lot of water at the same time whenever Seth is involved. Dean sighs quietly, murmuring, 'I can practically _feel_that smug smile of yours.' Neither of them cares about it though. In fact, Roman can see Dean's lips quirking up too.

'Don't get used to this,' he jokingly warns and puts some more oil on Dean's shoulder. There's a muffled huff that gets interrupted by his ringing cell. Another message; he'd bet all his money on it being from Seth. That kid doesn't know when to shut up. Never has.

'That Seth?' Dean asks casually as Roman uses his right hand to tap on his phone while his left keeps on kneading Dean's skin. 'Who else would it be?' he answers back, seeing Seth's name pop up on the display.

_Did you know that Dean has panic attacks?_

'I don't know, Jimmy and Jey promised to teach me the Siva Tau,' Dean's happy voice cuts through the haze of his mind and for a moment he thinks he's hallucinating Seth's question. Panic attacks. Dean Ambrose. Maybe it's the late hour but Roman is not able to make a connection between these two things.

He looks down at Dean confused and for some reason horribly hurt, but decides to keep up a carefree attitude until he can think straight again. 'Why would they text me then? Wait, what? _I_ could teach you,' he rambles and Dean cracks his left eye open to look up at him accusingly.

'No, you would just make fun of me the whole time.' True. But it's just too funny to watch and listen to Dean trying to imitate the movements while pronouncing the words. How on earth can Dean be such a cute dork and hide something so vital as panic attacks from him? And he just had felt like they'd gotten back on the right track.

Every day something new got in their way and Roman is slowly reaching the end of his patience. He just wants to live through one day without having to fear for something bad to happen. He hates that Seth's question makes him want to answer that idiot but he also feels horribly betrayed by Dean right now. Actually, he feels like he finally has the confirmation that Dean chose Seth over him.

'Why do you wanna learn it in the first place?' His own voice sounds broken and foreign to him and he is barely able to cringe while he types a reply with one hand. He's getting really angry right now. At both Seth and Dean. Like hot white, burning, uncontrollable, unstoppable fury. He can't understand why Dean would tell Seth but not him. Especially after all the shit that has happened. After their talk from yesterday.

_It happens like everything else. Completely by accident. He should have seen it coming though. He really should have. But then again, he'd also kinda hoped Dean wouldn't go that far. But in the end, it's like believing in Santa; as long as no one tells you the truth, it's the best thing ever._

_'What the hell are you doing?' He doesn't really need to ask. Roman can perfectly see what Dean is doing. His mobile phone resting in Dean's hands, the light on the display illuminating Dean's messed up chin. Instead of trying to apologize, Dean chooses to attack. _

_'I could ask you the same! _You better use the whole bottle. And just FYI, it's gonna get messy. _What is that even supposed to mean? You two are constantly talking behind my back!' Dean flips out, finally letting out all his pent-up mistrust and jealousy and Roman wants to throttle Seth for writing something like that when Dean has caught them in the middle of a heated argument mere two hours ago._

_'You read my messages?' Roman asks slowly but with a threatening undertone and Dean thankfully has the decency to look ashamed for a good second or two. 'I didn't want to,' he tries to explain but Roman has had enough of that. Dean violating his privacy like this is new and not something he wants to get used to. It makes him sad that Dean obviously doesn't trust him one bit._

_'Oh, I'm sure you didn't,' he retorts and smacks Dean's fingers, so that he'll let go of Roman's phone. For a moment he thinks Dean will punch him now, he can definitely see the hunger for it in the younger's burning eyes but then Dean just throws his hands in the air before tugging at his unruly hair. _

_(There's a part of him that wants to warn Dean to not treat his hair like that if he wants to keep the meager rest of it. It's a really tiny part.)_

_'Okay, I did,' Dean admits, voice and temper rising with each word. 'But only because he is writing you all the fucking time.' Roman binds his own hair into a bun, because he can already see where this conversation is going. And maybe they need to settle it like this._

_'Not my fault,' he argues and grabs Dean by the shoulders (ignoring the pained hiss from Dean) and pushes him away from his phone. So hard, that Dean stumbles over the corner of the bed and lands flat on his ass. 'Why are you so pissed?' he complains and hauls himself up again, unwilling to stay down for long._

_'You sniff around in my stuff and I'm not entitled to get angry?' His fingers itch to get some action but Roman is not yet riled up enough to start a brawl. Strangely, it's Dean (the guy who always shoots before he asks any questions) who tries to calm him down; doing exactly what Seth did countless times._

_'Sure you are. I didn't mean–' He doesn't care. The fact that, in the end, it's about Seth (again) makes him see red. It's not his fault that neither of them can get their shit together without him holding their hands. He doesn't want Seth's attention or the constant texting. In fact, he doesn't give a shit if it's not about work._

_'Hands off my stuff,' he warns with a low growl and Dean nods while he tries to retreat back in a completely nonthreatening way. 'Ro,' he tries to reason with him, but Roman is already too far gone; finally turning into that monster, like Seth had predicted. With the tiny difference that it's not hate driving him on but exasperation and some form of mortification. He's been the rational one for long enough._

_Without any warning his fist lands in Dean's stomach, making the other double over. He doesn't fall down, doesn't even gasp or show Roman that he's hurt. He just gets up again and smiles menacingly. 'That's the way you want to do it? Fine.' Roman might have anticipated the blow, but he still is surprised by Dean's speed. The force of the punch makes him stumble backwards until he hits the wall._

_Dean doesn't get any closer but there's a special kind of heat bubbling up in their room and Roman knows that this is far from over. His brother catches him unguarded a second time (he's just too damn fast, even for a man this tall), throwing him down to the floor and just hitting him repeatedly in the belly like a wild animal trying to defend itself even though it doesn't even want to fight._

_Roman lets him go on for a while until a particularly hard thrust knocks the wind out of him. He throws Dean off him and crawls on top of his brother, mirroring their former position and starts to hit Dean in the exact same spots. Roman's punches are more deliberate, slower and hurt probably more than he intends them to._

_Dean looks him in the eyes the whole time, takes every punch with something akin to pride and after a while it's enough to make him stop. They're both panting hard and Roman can already see some bruises forming on Dean's stomach where the beater doesn't cover up the skin. He instantly regrets losing his shit like this. 'I'm sorry,' Dean squeezes out and runs his right hand over his stomach. 'What are your hands even made of? Bricks?'_

_'You hit like a girl,' Roman counters, both smiling widely. Dean grunts and closes his eyes, hands still shielding his bruised flesh and Roman rips the wife-beater apart to get a better look at what he's done. 'Stop whining, it'll heal. And you totally deserved that.' He gets a weak _yeah _before he climbs off Dean and leans his back against the bed._

_Dean stays where he is but opens his eyes again to look at him, an apologetic smile grazing his lips. 'I shouldn't have done that. I just got really jealous.' Roman nods, astonished that Dean Ambrose could say _I'm sorry _before Seth Rollins did. Dean isn't really the type to go around and let people know he's made a mistake. Which makes this apology so special._

_'I should have told you,' Roman admits and helps Dean up, so they can sit next to each other. 'He's a real pain in the ass, isn't he?' Roman laughs, patting Dean on the head. There's no need to answer that question. 'So,' Dean says conversationally but Roman can feel him getting agitated again. 'How long has this been going on between you two?'_

_There's no point in lying anymore which is really totally relieving. He hated keeping secrets from Dean. It's one thing if it's too personal to talk about; but if he's forced to keep quiet (or if he forces himself like the dumb fool he sometimes is) it's slowly breaking him apart._

_'Since your little kiss-and-punch.' Dean nods, seemingly lost in thoughts. It's peaceful just sitting on the floor with his brother so close to him, the little brawl already forgotten. Sometimes you just need to get stuff like this out of your system. 'When were you gonna tell me?' Dean asks quietly, almost in a whisper as if he doesn't want to know the answer._

_'Honestly, I don't know. I really don't like talking about him at the moment.' Dean smiles tiredly and rubs at his neck. 'I just thought we wouldn't keep secrets anymore.' It's not an accusation, not entirely, but it's close enough. And Roman deserves that. They both have acted like idiots, let the whole situation escalate. 'I'm sorry.'_

_Dean gently pats him on the leg and pushes himself up. 'Yeah, me too,' he mutters, before he adds, 'We need to stick together, Ro. You're all I have left.' Roman wants to say the same, until he realizes that it's not true. _

_He and Seth have been Dean's only family and even though Roman tries his best to drag him along every time he, Jimmy and Jey or other parts of his family go out, it just doesn't work out. It's not the same. Not for Dean. Roman really is all he has. And he should finally be his big brother again._

_'But seriously, what did he mean with _use the whole bottle _and _it gets messy_? And before you say anything; do I even want to know?' Roman chuckles lightly and gets up too to show Dean the little bottle he'll use tomorrow during Raw. 'What's that?' He watches the colorless liquid and shrugs._

_'Seth said it's better not to know. But this is my ticket for the Battle Royal tomorrow.' Dean raises one eyebrow and Roman realizes he hasn't even told him about that. 'You want the last spot for the Money in the Bank championship match even though we are banned?' 'Yeah,' he says, automatically feeling bad until–_

_'Wait. How do you know about that?' Dean grins and points at Roman's phone resting on the bed. 'I might have read something about that somewhere.' 'You cheater,' he laughs and puts the bottle away again. 'So, drugging the Authority? That's Seth's tactic?' Roman nods, unsure if he should admit that he has already decided to do it. _

_Winning that spot would be a huge thing; not only for their plan to take out Triple H, but also for Roman's career. He doesn't feel good about leaving Dean behind to deal with Seth, but it may be a necessary evil._

_When Dean laughs, all of his worries vanish into thin air. 'Nice touch. We're finally playing dirty. Smart kid.' Roman tries to find any hints of a lie in Dean's eyes – any traces of ugly jealousy that Roman gets to go after the biggest title out there – but he can't find anything. Dean seems genuinely happy for him. 'That he is,' he adds in a low voice. He just really hopes Seth isn't letting them walk into a trap._


	10. it is my right to feel happy p2

Previously: Roman takes care of Dean's injured shoulder while Seth thinks it's a great idea to spam him with text messages. (It's not.)

_Did you know that Dean has panic attacks?_

* * *

_you kidding_

Maybe Seth is just lying again. After all, it _is_ a specialty of his. Roman is tempted to throw himself at the bruised shoulder in front of him because the thought of yet another sellout fogs up his mind and makes him want to act irrational, to confront Dean about his dishonesty.

Dean rambles a bit about culture and history before he finally admits grumpily, 'It's catchy, okay?' And that's the moment Roman understands why Dean hasn't told him. It's not because he doesn't trust him (or maybe that does have to do with it, because these days they both find it a bit hard to trust anyone).

No, Dean doesn't want even a single person to know about this. Just like he always brushes over his past very hurriedly to evade any further questions. But Roman has picked up enough on last Monday night, has been granted a glimpse into Dean's mind by accident. His brother has never asked how much of their heart-to-heart Roman has overheard, as if doing so would completely break their already cracked brotherhood.

_Why would I joke about something like this?_

Dean wants nothing to do with that part of himself – he'd have told him about it by now if he wanted to –, so Roman shouldn't ask for it either. Maybe he fears it'd change too much too fast. Well, Seth has taken that decision out of his hands now, so Roman has to be on his guard to never spill anything as long as Dean isn't willing to share.

He can't force Dean to open up. All he can do is wait and hope that Dean will never forget that he can come to him whenever he needs to. So far, Dean has never accepted the offer but Roman knows he's happy it's out there in case he should change his mind one day. (Seth on the other hand always came to him, shared everything with him, which is why Roman had deluded himself into thinking he knew his littlest brother by heart.)

_oh, i don't know. how can you do anything you do_

All that rational thinking doesn't help. For some reason he still feels left out and hurt. There is already so much Seth and Dean share that he will never have with any of them. He really can't watch the two of them grow even tighter together while he just stand awkwardly at their side until they leave him behind to move on without him.

_Not the time, Rome._

'Okay, but shouldn't they be texting you rather than me then?' he manages to follow the original conversation even though he is totally focused on waiting for Seth's reply as soon as he's typed a hasty _no, i didn't. how come you know_. Because God damn, he wants to know why he's the only one being left in the dark.

It's not like he would go into the ring, grab a mic and tell the whole world how fragile Dean Ambrose's mental state is. (Besides, they already say Dean should be locked away in a rubber cell, wearing a straightjacket and Roman doesn't want to have anything to do with that.)

His hand is still working on Dean's slick skin while the world keeps on moving without Roman being able to keep up. What were he and Dean talking about again? Oh right, Jimmy and Jey. He needs to be more careful before he mixes up both conversations. 'Stop confusing me with your logic, my brain is already asleep. So Seth?'

_He had one in front of me last week. Scary shit. Thought he'd die on me._

'Yup,' he breathes relieved, all anger and feelings of treachery gone. It's hard not to laugh; he'd have no clue how to explain all of this to Dean. So, apparently Dean didn't plan on telling Seth either. There was just no way to avoid it and Seth happened to be in the right place at the right time.

He shouldn't jump to conclusions that easily. The bond between Dean and Seth may be special but he and Dean share something that Seth doesn't have anymore. And this is not a contest about who's getting Dean. Roman shouldn't let his emotions get the better of him. He's supposed to be the older brother; the wise and calm, protective one.

'What's he saying? Bad news?' Dean interrupts his thoughts and looks up at him expectantly, the barest hints of confusion flickering in his blue eyes. Roman has stopped massaging him somewhere along the way to stare at his phone while his left hand had gripped the sheets tightly.

He sincerely hopes Dean hasn't seen the disappointment that has undoubtedly ghosted over his face at the thought of Dean keeping secrets from him.

(It's weird how different Seth's treason feels to the one he thought he had suffered at Dean's hands. With Seth it isn't this intense, there's just a lot of sadness and incomprehension, because Seth is his tiny little brother and just doesn't know better. But with Dean it's so personal because they both are cut from the same cloth and they're all they have left.

This is way too complicated to deal with at three twenty-four in the morning.)

'Just telling me about some plans of the Authority,' he lies and rolls his eyes for good measure, as if Seth is annoying him. Which is kind of the truth. It really pisses him off that Seth won't share all of this with Dean. That kid is a genius and comes up with the best plans on earth and Dean is always willing to execute them – as crazy and dangerous as they might be.

So why is he coming to Roman, who still ignores him whenever they meet? Why is he trying to use him as a fucking Cupid while spilling secrets he shouldn't even know of? (Seriously, how the hell did Seth manage to weasel his way this deep into the Authority even though he uses to appear everywhere either alone or with his new buddy Kane? Like how fucking good and cunning is Seth to accomplish that in no time?

If he wouldn't be so angry and disgruntled by Seth's backstabbing, he'd be proud as hell.)

'So we can prepare ourselves better for the war.' Dean nods, his eyes still radiating suspicion but then he smiles at him – not happy or understanding, but a bit sadly (_he fucking knows I'm not telling the truth_, Roman thinks petrified) before he forces it into a carefree one. 'Like to share the madness?' he offers him an easy way out – at least for tonight – and Roman could kiss him for the rest of his life.

'I fucking love you, you know that, right?' Roman says and he really means it. Dean could have called him out on his bullshit, could have gone down the crazy lane and attack him, leave him like Seth did because there is so much mistrust and secrecy between the two of them; but he always decides to stay at his side (even though Seth would be the logical choice), to stay loyal to him. Not because Dean is a creature of habit – as weird as they may be – but because he _wants_ to be with Roman.

He really has no idea how the smallest things can make his resolve waver, can shake his trust and turn him into a blind, raging monster. He doesn't want to be like this.

Dean chuckles and averts his gaze, practically throwing his face into the pillow again. 'Shut up,' he murmurs into the pristine white cushion, all flustered and suddenly unable to keep still. Roman loves how restless Dean gets whenever he expresses his love.

He's never heard Dean say it back and Roman doesn't expect him to. Even before he knew about Dean's past it was clear that he isn't the type to wear his heart on his sleeve if it's about his personal life.

This reaction alone tells Roman all he needs to know. Dean might not be able to say it, but he shows Roman (and Seth) with his actions – a little kiss to the head, a light pat on the hair, an unguarded smile (these are Roman's favorites) – what's going on in his head.

It's not what Roman is used to from his really expressive family, but it's still refreshing to have someone like Dean around.

_why are you talking to me about that_

He sets the phone aside as soon as he's finished the text and concentrates on Dean's shoulder again while he thinks hard about what to tell him now. He knows that Dean hasn't seen all the messages Seth has sent him, because Roman has deleted most of them instantly. Even before he found Dean snooping around.

So there is a lot Dean doesn't know yet. It probably is time to finally share these things anyway. Dean might be the type who can live without a game plan, just crossing his bridges whenever he gets there, but Seth has planned everything ahead and Roman should accept the fact that it's a good strategy, even if it means that he has to let go of Dean for a while. At least during work.

He hasn't even had to live without Dean for a long time yet but he can already understand the depressing loneliness Seth has to endure each day since his departure. (And even after three weeks he and Dean haven't gotten a good excuse. They still pretty much know next to nothing. It's really frustrating.)

Seth replies not a minute later (_I can't stop thinking about it._) and Dean's body stiffens for a second before he lets go of all his inner tension. There is no use in wanting to escape Seth Rollins – and they have tried everything –, so it's better to just accept that their little brother won't let go until he's satisfied with the end result.

It should be annoying (and it is to a certain degree) but Roman is also kinda glad that Seth doesn't give up that easily. He's never backed down from a challenge and getting his brothers back is by far the biggest and hardest task he has yet to cope with. Roman enjoys to see him struggle and fall down on his way, revels in every backlash the other has to suffer. He knows for a fact that Dean does too.

_you're texting me cause you're lonely_

He doesn't even get a chance to put the phone down this time. Seth answers at the speed of light, telling him that _yeah_, he is. Roman wishes he couldn't care less. But the good thing about texts is that he can lie all he wants to. And Seth will never know how much of it is real.

_stop_

'So?' Dean wants to know after the silence has stretched on for too long. 'Sorry,' Roman mumbles and starts massaging Dean once again. He's really doing a piss poor job. Seth would kick his ass if he could see how he singly-handedly destroys his legacy as the best masseur in (Dean's) history. And Roman would kick his ass just because he would be here.

'There's gonna be a second ladder match at Money in the Bank and guess who the first entrant is.' Dean laughs sarcastically, but doesn't even care to turn his head around so Roman can hear him speak properly. He's yawning into the pillow before he asks a question first. 'For the contract?' They probably both have the same thought spinning around in their head: Dean needs a way into this match, no matter what.

'Yeah,' he adds and watches how Dean cracks a sadistic smile. They definitely are thinking the same thing. 'I'm gonna make a bold prediction here,' Dean mutters, voice dripping with sarcasm and a tiny bit of exhaustion. 'Our one and only Seth Rollins.'

'You're not mad?' He really is slightly surprised that Dean doesn't flip his shit because Seth sneaked his way into a very important (and probably career-changing) match, evading the confrontation everyone – especially Dean – is waiting for once again. Dean sighs and shakes his head minutely. 'Way too tired for that. Ask me again in the morning.'

Oh no, he won't. He's so proud that they haven't wrecked any hotel rooms in the past week (even though they have been fighting) and he won't be the one ruining their small lucky streak.

'They're gonna announce the other participants on Raw next week. So, technically Seth doesn't get the same treatment as Orton.' He probably constantly stands his ground and defies Triple H as much as he can without raising any suspicion. So that Hunter thinks he's on his team but kind of a free, uncontrollable spirit. Dean puffs his cheeks and hums, 'Remember me to get him a medal for that.'

A quick glance at the clock tells him it's getting really late but Dean looks so at ease. Roman hasn't seen him like this for a long, long while now and he's pretty thrilled by the fact that he managed to put that smile on his brother's face all by himself.

_How's Dean?_

As if he somehow could sense whenever they stopped talking or thinking about him. It wouldn't surprise Roman if Seth is lurking around in front of their hotel, supervising their every step. Thank God they're staying on the third floor.

_Sore_, he types back with slick fingers, already annoyed by the messy state of his display. He will probably never get rid of all the oil smeared across it. When the phone chirps up another time, Dean doesn't even react and Roman pinches him slightly to make sure he's not fallen asleep. There is no way he'll let Dean stain the sheets when he has to shower every god damn time because Dean bitches about it until he stomps off to get cleaned up.

_Triple H has planned a wicked week for Dean. Plans to unleash Kane on him. Ordered me to do commentary for their match on SD. Warn him, okay?_

Who does that little shit think he is? As if Roman will let Dean run into his demise. Even though he's sure Dean doesn't want this kind of help. He likes to fight his battles on his own because that makes the victory even sweeter. (Though playing a little dirty here and here can't hurt.)

_he'll be fine_

And Roman really does believe that. Kane might be bigger and stronger than Dean but what his brother lacks in those compartments he makes up with aggression and unpredictability. The only problem might be Seth at ringside. It'll drive Dean crazy and he'll get sloppy, no matter how many times Roman will remind him of staying level-headed.

He'll definitely watch that match backstage but he won't interfere; no matter what happens. Not only because Seth's plan doesn't involve it but also because Roman is sure that Kane won't harm Dean as long as Seth is there. His little brother will make sure that he is the only one attacking Dean once the match is over – claiming (not so subtly) stake at him and riling Dean up even more.

It's all part of the secret design while the whole world and especially Big Daddy Hunter are forced to believe Seth is on their side, destroying Dean with mind games and brutal attacks. And Roman will be in the back, watching his two brothers fight each other, listen to Seth talking some bullshit about Dean while he can see the lies and worry written all over Seth's face because he now knows where to look for them.

Seth is playing a dangerous game to keep up his charade. One day he won't be able to disguise his emotions and the whole world will see it. And the worst part? Roman can't help him. Even if he wanted to.

No one can come to Seth's aid anymore. He's standing with his back against the wall and even though he's doing one hell of a job to play his role as a traitor, he'll mess up at some point. That's the thing with feelings like love and hate. They always get the better of you.

_Could you please stop being so cold?_

Yeah, sure he could. Seth could also just apologize or finally get in the ring with Dean to settle this once and for all. So far, Roman hasn't seen him doing any of that, so no. It's also kind of his payback and he enjoys it way too much. Dean is totally rubbing off on him.

_can you stop being a dick_

Dean stirs under him the moment Roman accidentally brushes over the scar on his back. That's Seth's territory right there but Dean is thankfully too far gone to get up and sleep on the couch. (His scars are a touchy subject even though Dean thinks they and their history are cool. It's just that he's probably still used to Seth trace them while Dean's half-asleep and they're both cuddled up to Roman.)

'What're we gonna do?' Dean mumbles drowsy, his eyes too heavy to open them completely. The sight is really cute and helps Roman to prepare himself for what follows now. It's actually quite good that Dean isn't completely lucid right now, so he can sleep a night over Seth's plan.

'He says that we should continue what we unintentionally started tonight on Raw,' Roman whispers a bit hesitantly, going through the text in his mind again to see if there's any flaw, but in the end he has to admit that Seth has some good arguments. Why must that kid always make so much sense?

'Wha's that? Druggin' people?' Dean asks and closes his eyes again, head turned to the left so Roman can understand him better. 'You know, you in street clothes, us not working together.' He speaks softly to not upset Dean or rouse him from his almost slumber. It works. Kind of.

'Not leavin' you,' Dean answers stubbornly, eyes snapping open but Roman can see that they're already glazed over. He should talk with Dean in this state more often. His brother is way more responsive and forthcoming like this. That he's constantly easing the pain in Dean's shoulder is probably an important factor too.

(Usually, Dean would have protested loudly by now. Would have started a tantrum and insulted Roman and Seth for thinking he would be so stupid and leave his last remaining brother behind. There would have been broken furniture and an exasperated Roman trying to come up with a decent apology for the owner.

But there is no fight left in Dean; at least he's physically not able to start one.)

'Just listen, okay? We only have to appear as if we're going our separate ways. So that Hunter thinks The Shield is completely broken; that he has won. Or that Seth has won. Whatever.'

Dean sighs, not convinced in the slightest, so Roman pushes on. 'Look, it makes sense. Seth thinks it's better if I concentrate on pissing off the Authority, going after the title and Randy while you hop on the crazy train, trying to destroy Seth. And only Seth.'

'Not gonna leave you,' Dean insists and juts his chin forward to make a point of his own. Roman is kinda flattered by his persistence to never let go of him but this isn't about them breaking up their family. Roman won't let Dean go anytime soon, won't even give him the chance to disappear out of his life again.

But Seth is right. If they want to get rid of their enemies they have to plot a bit too. Seth did the first step and betrayed them while the whole world watched and now he's helping Dean and Roman to play their parts. (Now that Seth has realized he can't go on without Dean, he's including them in his master plan, but Roman is too tired to be irritated by that.)

'You don't have to,' Roman soothes his brother's worries and rubs his shoulder gently in circles, planning on lulling Dean into sleep with the repetitive motion. 'But you have to admit that it's a good diversionary tactic.'

There's still a lot of defiance brooding inside of Dean and even though he hasn't opened his eyes for a while, his mouth still works perfectly fine. 'Doesn't make a lick of sense, Ro. We just stated, what, last week that we're still together, still strong and all that blah-blah.'

Great. Even a tired Dean has enough presence of mind to understand that. Roman hasn't even thought about it; still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he drugged someone, probably got Vicky fired _and_ planted the idea in her head that he might be interested in her – all thanks to Seth. There's only so much his brain can deal with at four am.

He decides to pretend he hasn't heard that. 'We won't split, Dee. We're still brothers, we keep traveling together, we're still friends. There will be no backstabbing with us; Seth has explicitly begged for us to part on good terms. We just fool the world into thinking we've split to have different agendas. Because our goals aren't the same at the moment, even you have to admit that.'

Dean stays silent but Roman can see his mouth turn downwards the moment he realizes that Roman is right. 'Seth also asked if you could keep your casual clothes as your new ring attire.' Dean scoffs, murmuring, 'He asks for a lot, don't ya think?'

Roman smiles and concentrates on a particular hard spot on Dean's shoulder. Now comes the tricky part. 'You should get a new entrance music too.' Dean grunts annoyed and turns his head around, so Roman can't read a damn thing in his face anymore. 'Seth's idea. Says that makes it more real.'

'Yeah, he should know,' Dean whispers, a bit offended, and Roman can feel his heart skip a beat while a wave a nausea hits him. No matter what Seth said, how much he promised him that it's not the end, it still feels like it. The end of an era, to be honest. Roman is not ready for that yet.

'I carry on everything of The Shield to go after the title. We're still going strong, it will live on. I promise.' Dean stays silent for a long time, fighting a battle in his mind all by himself and Roman isn't sure the outcome will be a positive one. Worst case scenario: Dean leaves and never comes back.

He tries to breathe through his nose but panic creeps its way into his mind, making it hard to swallow. He might look like a human version of Hulk, might be called the Powerhouse but at the end of the day, it's Seth (not Roman) who is the daredevil. Roman usually likes to know what awaits him at the other side before he gets there. It's why they completed each other so perfectly.

'Okay,' Dean eventually whispers, brokenhearted and gloomy and it has nothing to do with him being on the verge of falling asleep. Roman's body freezes for a split second and he digs his fingers painfully in Dean's shoulder. 'Jesus, Ro,' he hears the faint complain and lets go, way too dumbfounded to say he's sorry.

'You're okay with it?' He can't really believe it. Being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion is _everyone's_ ambition in this business; the ultimate goal and yet Dean is not even a bit irked by the fact that he is stuck with Seth who – as a part of the Authority – will end up with singles gold one day while Roman gets to fulfill his dream.

'Hell yeah. You deserve it.' Dean does too. Roman would even go so far as to say Seth does. Maybe not as a person, but as the skilled and amazing athlete he is. Everyone in that match has a right to climb that ladder and become the new champion.

(And even though Roman is going to make sure it won't come to this, he still likes to imagine what would happen if Bray Wyatt wins the title. It's definitely something he'd fear and be excited about at the same time. He just really hopes that his cousins will be able to defend their titles against the rest of the Wyatt family. One title would be bad enough, but them having two? Hello, Judgment Day.)

'I'll find a way to sneak into the other ladder match and get the contract. And then you better watch out,' Dean jokes half-heartedly, and both of them are well aware that, if it'll come to this, neither of them will back down just because they're brothers. 'Anytime, kiddo,' he promises and keeps moving his hands a bit to the right to massage Dean's back.

While he eyes the two long scars on Dean he manages to fool himself into some kind of happy illusion. He convinces himself that Seth is sitting on the other side of the bed, watching Roman do his job, nodding with a satisfied smile to tell him he's doing it just perfectly fine.

There's a tiny moment when Roman wants to say something to a Seth that isn't there, but then he blinks and only sees the empty space next to Dean. It's all gone again. And there is no one who can predict if it'll ever be the same again. If they will be able to go back and start over as a family.

'You worried about Seth? I mean, he's never been in a ladder match before.' He's speaking in a hushed voice, not sure if Dean is still responsive and awake. There is still a lot he wants to talk about tonight. Maybe (no, most likely) because Dean is practically at his mercy right now and as calm as he can get.

'Nah, he's smart 'n nimble. He'll be fine. Long as I'm not in the match,' Dean chuckles and presses his face deeper into the pillows. Maybe Roman can text Seth and ask him if he can convince Triple H to put Dean into the match. The kid owes him a favor; actually a lot of them after everything he did. And if someone can do it, it's Seth.

Roman would love to see them fight against but with each other at the same time. Or no, he should be more precise. Dean would fight with all his power to get some revenge and mess up Seth's big night. And Seth would try very hard to make sure no one in that ring will hurt Dean, while he simultaneously has to appear as if he wants to bury Dean alive and climb that ladder to win.

He'd definitely be in the wrong match then. All the fun would go down in the other one.

'What are you gonna do if you don't get a spot?' As soon as the question leaves his mouth, he wants to roll his eyes at himself for being so foolish. As if Dean would ever take a no for an answer. 'You really need to ask?'

No, he doesn't. Dean will interfere in the match anyway, fucking up Seth's chances to retrieve the contract. No matter how many times Seth will protest and state that he's not really trying to drive Dean crazy, that it's all show, Dean still has only this one goal at the moment. And that's making Seth's life a living hell. Just because he can.

And because Seth made theirs one too.


	11. it is my right to feel happy p3

_Previously: There's Roman clinging to Dean, Seth clinging to Dean and Dean more than ready to finally fall asleep. (If Roman and Seth would just chill out and let him.)_

Sorry for the delay, guys. There have been some private things happening yesterday and I needed to take care of that first. I hope this part answered some (maybe all) of the questions people had about Roman. Next up should finally be Seth again. I never let him get any 'mic time' or treat him very well XD See you guys around and lets keep our fingers crossed for MitB!

* * *

'So,' he starts after a while, a bit unsure if it's really the right time to touch on this subject, but this is bugging Roman constantly during his waking hours and even though he doesn't want to pester Dean with it, he needs some clarity too.

The Shield might have dissipated, giving birth to two strong fighters in the process but Dean and Roman are still family. They're still here, still dealing with the aftermath of Seth's departure, still trying to hold on to each other.

And even if Dean vows to always stay loyal to Roman, the danger of Seth breaking them apart won't disappear with time. It all stands and falls with Seth and what kind of decision Dean will make in the future.

Because this feud isn't over. The war is far from over and Seth will have to play his role as a traitor for a long, long time while he and Dean can do whatever they want; so to speak. Outside of the ring, whenever he can escape the clutches of the Authority, he will continue to hunt down Dean. Seth will do anything he can to convince their brother that it's safe and the right thing to love him.

That it'll set them free.

And that's exactly what Roman is so afraid of. He is supportive of everything Dean does. He'll be the first to congratulate those two for finally sorting their shit out and giving in to their feelings. He's watched them gravitate around each other for way too long. In the end, he wants them to be happy.

But on the other hand, he has the right to get kissed by the sun too.

Seth is his brother and he'd take a bullet for him. Well, maybe not right at this moment, but generally, he'd give his own life if it would help him find eternal bliss. All he expects is to get some respect in return. And if he decides to do a leap of faith, he wants to be sure that there's someone catching his fall.

But Seth has lied to them, left them behind and is now using him as a tool for his plans. As smart as his brother may be, this is not acceptable. He wants to be treated like an equal. Maybe he doesn't deserve it because this is not his relationship, but it _is_ his brotherhood.

If Dean takes off with Seth, it's Roman who has to pick up the shattered pieces of his life and everything they've left behind.

Up until Seth's betrayal he has always encouraged the younger to charm Dean, to take things a step further while not rushing them too much, because Dean always needs some time to get used to changes. But now he's reluctant to let him go.

These past few days have shown him that he is no more ready for the weight of Dean and Seth. And his biggest fear is that Dean will leave him as soon as he knows about this. That he may think Roman is a liar and stands in the way of his happiness.

The more he mulls over it, the more complicated it gets.

'Have you thought about your whole situation yet?' Finally the question is out there, hanging in the air like the sword of Damocles. His fingers shake a bit, so he gives his best to move them as much as he can, hopefully making it impossible for Dean to feel the trembling.

He hears a long yawn that makes him smile for a second and then Dean answers with a sleepy voice, 'Don't worry, big guy. You're not gonna get rid of me so soon.' As if he knows exactly what's going on inside of Roman's head.

Well, Dean is saying that now; Seth is out of the picture for a while, yet there will come a time when Dean can't wait to be close to him again. And then what?

'You gonna give him another chance?'

Dean grunts and tries to turns his head back to the other side, but even this little action seems to cost him too much energy, so he just breathes into the pillow for a while before answering slowly, almost hesitantly, 'Dunno. You'll be the firs' to know.'

'He hurt me too,' Roman adds after a while, a bit petulant, and that makes Dean whip his head around, so he can look at him with a gentle smile while he tries to pat his leg. 'Gonna make him pay for it.'

It's not a promise. It's more like a threat and Roman can feel his spirits lift at that because Dean always keeps his word. It doesn't matter that his brother is already halfway in la-la-land. This is something Dean is totally set on doing anyway.

He'll destroy Seth in the ring, no matter what. And it won't be just for himself. Dean is fighting for Roman too. He's known that for a long time now, but hearing the words coming out of Dean's mouth lets him forget for a while how disappointed he is of Seth and this whole situation.

This is the reason Roman wants to keep The Shield alive. Why he will carry it on until the day all three of them find their way back to each other again. Maybe not in the WWE, but as friends, brothers, a unit. There is so much left of them that's worth saving, worth fixing. One day, Seth will understand just like Dean already has.

'I know I said I'll support you on your journey,' Roman whispers, fingers ghosting over Dean's skin, barely touching it. He's not quite sure he wants Dean to hear this. 'I don't know if I can forgive him.'

Dean doesn't react for a couple of minutes, breath even and deep, and Roman stops his treatment, sad and relieved at the same time that Dean is out cold, when his voice breaks the silence. ''s okay. Imma wait till you're ready.'

Sweet, precious little Dean. Before Roman got to know him better, understood how he ticked, he thought this guy was a raging, arrogant lunatic, doomed to be a lone wolf forever because no one could ever like him. But then he got to work with him in FCW, watched him beating himself up backstage (literally and figuratively) every time Seth crossed his path.

And then he got to love him as his little brother, realizing how damn wrong he had been with his first impression. Yes, Dean could be an asshole, could say and do things that aren't okay, but behind the mask he's just a normal guy with some issues. Honestly, who isn't?

Dean is maybe the most caring person he has ever met. He won't show it, would rather die than admit the truth, but it's written all over his face that he cares for the ones he loves more than for himself. Dean has a big heart and it's in the right place. As long as you're not on his shit list, you have nothing to fear.

But this is a favor Roman can't ask of Dean. He can't hold him back just so he won't be stuck alone in the darkness. Or can he? Would that be too selfish? Does Seth even deserve Dean after everything he's done? Does Roman?

'Don't,' he pleads and brushes over Dean's unruly hair. 'Don't sacrifice your happiness for me.' Even though he wants nothing more than to wake up in the morning and the only thing that hurts is his body, he can't ask Dean to do this. He should be the one doing everything in his power to get those two goobers back together.

No matter what that means for himself.

'Shh,' Dean murmurs, still patting his leg, ''s okay. Know what 'm doin'.' Exactly. They both know. Roman has promised to stand behind Dean and Seth's quest to find eternal love and now he's not sure if he can fulfill it. Which is why he forces his friend into a position to ignore what Dean himself wants, just so that Roman gets what he needs.

This is not what a big brother should do. He's a really poor example of one these days. Having Dean as a part of his family is the best thing that has happened to him in years. It probably won't get any better than this.

'I don't deserve you,' he says softly, as if he's sharing a well-kept secret. Dean stops patting him and opens his eyes again. They're darker than usual, the pupils blown widely until they get used to the harsh light again. 'Seth doesn't deserve us,' he disagrees with a merciless smile.

They hold their gazes for a few heartbeats until tiredness takes over Dean's body again. 'Don' do that, Ro,' Dean begs and his fingers search blindly for Roman's hand. He gives Dean his right one – there's less oil on it – and bites back a fond remark when his brother grips his fingers tighter than expected. Dean is fighting against falling asleep with all his willpower to not leave Roman alone with his worries.

'Don' go there. 'm your brother. Do anythin' for ya.' He knows. And he's glad he has found someone like Dean to light up the darker days of his life. His brother is very passionate about this whole thing and Roman kind of finds joy in Seth's misfortune, because he isn't the one to know the true promise of it.

Dean would rather abandon Seth once and for all than leaving Roman behind. And if that doesn't slow down his heartbeat and lets his anxiety vanish, he has no clue what else could.

'And Seth?' he needs to ask, just to make sure Dean still knows what he's talking about. He feels warm fingers wrap around his own again as Dean tugs them towards his chest. 'Shh,' he reprimands him once again, 'no more talking. Jus' you 'n me.'

Just him and Dean. It has a nice ring to it.

As if he'd somehow sensed that he was about to get pushed into the background, Seth writes him again and Roman puts the phone on silent. Dean is not yet sleeping, but he's very close and Roman doesn't want to keep him up any longer.

He's heard everything he needed – actually even more. A good night's rest is exactly what Dean should have. Seems like he himself will have a little chat with Seth now. But that's okay. He's not tired anyway. And he can sleep in the car when Dean drives them to the next town.

(Yes, considering their history with cars, that's the ultimate proof of trust and by now, Roman believes Dean is entitled to it. After everything he has done for Roman tonight and will continue to do in the future.)

_I love him. I really do._

Yeah, he gathered that much on his own already. It's kinda hard not to notice. He writes back a _so do I_, being once again cranky as hell, but doesn't give a shit about it. Maybe Seth needs the reminder that Dean is out of reach right now and that Roman could potentially replace him.

(Not that he ever would start a serious relationship with Dean. He loves his brother, he does. Just not like this. But Dean and he have already started this whole _touching in front of Seth, making him jealous_ thing and Roman could take it to the next level. Taunt Seth a bit. Just for fun. It'd be a really good rib.)

_I'm going to fix this. Dean and me. All three of us._

There a voice ringing inside of his head, asking _Do you even want that? Aren't you happier with only Dean around?_ and he hates himself for letting it poison his thoughts. But it has a good point when it breaks the news to him that Dean will change as soon as he and Seth are an official thing. That their relationship, their brotherhood won't be the same anymore.

_you can try_

'Wha's he sayin'?' Dean mutters, tongue heavy and voice thick with sleep. Roman is quite surprised he's still awake. He uses that moment to untangle their hands and repositions himself on the bed, sitting next to Dean, leaned up against the headrest.

Dean doesn't move, eyes closed and face completely relaxed. (It's in that moment that Roman decides to not care about the stained sheets for tonight, since he probably won't get any sleep himself anyway. And forcing Dean to get up again would just be unnecessarily mean.)

_I will. I owe it to you._

He does. And there's a favor Roman will ask of him later. For the moment he's just glad that Seth finally realized that he has to make it up to two people; not just the one he holds so dearly.

'That he loves you.' It's the right thing to say. Roman has learned these past few weeks that lies get you nowhere – they just ruin everything they had arduously built up over the course of three years in no time.

Dean hums, a smile dancing across his face and it's the first time that Roman sees him taking the news so even-tempered. He should keep that in mind, in case Seth asks him about some advice in the future. Just tell him you love him while he's on the verge of falling asleep and he'll be completely under your spell.

He rubs his left hand on his sweatpants to get rid of most of the oil and pats Dean's head gently before bending down and planting a small kiss on his hair. When he retreats back and catches Dean's almost face-splitting grin, he allows himself to feel giddy and warm because of it.

_I never wanted to hurt you._

There we go. Finally. Took him long enough to figure out that he didn't only turn on Dean. Roman watches with one eye how Dean's back moves up and down with each breath he takes, while he simultaneously writes back to Seth: _but you did. you still do._

His little brother takes his sweet time answering, so Roman gets up very carefully and tugs the blanket out under Dean in slow motion to cover him up when the deed is done. Seth has already replied, begging him to give him more time, so he can concentrate on one task at a time.

_fine, whatever. you can start with helping dean get a spot for your ladder match_

Roman turns off the lights and sits back on the bed, while listening to the sounds of the city outside. Now that he's stuck in the darkness with only Seth to keep him company he gets tired too. At the moment, talking to that kid is like getting the life sucked out of you.

He just closed his eyes when Dean speaks up again, scaring him to death. He almost falls off the bed, only barely able to hold onto the headrest to balance himself. 'He loves ya too, y'know?'

Deep down, he does. Never stopped believing. But a lot has happened, a lot of blood was spilled and Roman isn't exactly willing to forgive Seth just like that because they used to be family. Even brothers have to admit they made a mistake.

Roman has accepted Seth walking out on them in March without hearing those words and he never once complained about it. This time though he wants to be able to look back at this moment in the future and think: I don't regret a thing.

'Shh.' It's his turn to silence Dean, gently stroking through the messy, dirty blond hair, tucking stray strands back behind his ear. 'Just sleep.' Dean opens his mouth, most likely to protest, but not a single sound comes out.

Roman sees his lips moving when his phone lights up again, Seth's name popping up on the display, but Dean is more important right now. There is obviously something he wants to say before he forgets it during his sleep.

'I,' he eventually starts, Roman hanging at his lips as if he's about to hear all of Dean's history, scooting a bit closer in the darkness to not miss even a single syllable.

He what? Seriously, Dean can't let Roman hanging the air like this. He would like to eat pizza for breakfast? He misses Seth? He loves Roman too?

But Dean has finally fallen asleep. No matter how long Roman waits, he won't speak up again. Whatever moment they had, it's gone now. Seems like he'll have to wait until Dean is ready to open up once more. Whenever that may be. _If_ it'll ever happen. So, Seth it is then.

_I'm working on it._

Which means he doesn't have a clue yet how to get Dean in the match. He actually has to smile at that. Seth, the master of all plans, is at the end of his rope.

(Roman knows that Seth can't concentrate on every little detail like he used to because his thoughts are always revolving around Dean, but it still feels good to know that even Seth can't solve everything. It's time the kid realizes that he's not alone in this. That Roman and Dean are smart individuals too. And that Dean is also very manipulative and creative. Or spontaneous, however you want to call it.)

Bottom line is: Seth isn't fighting this war on his own; he needs to let go of some things – should add luck and coincidence in the equation too – and trust his family to do the right thing.

If Seth can ask for their blind faith, he should be willing to give it to them too.

_you don't need to. give dean free reign._

He's able to sneak into the bathroom to wash his hands and clean up his phone before Seth replies. Roman can almost hear the younger's voice in his ears, sounding defeated yet stubborn when he reads the line _Hunter won't put him in the match_.

Of course he won't. Not if Seth doesn't beg for it. But that wouldn't be logical, right? Seth needs a valid reason to go to his new sugar daddy, to tug at his coat and look at him with those puppy eyes, asking for his old sandbox friend to be in the match, so he can break his neck with a ladder.

And Dean will give Seth a good enough reason to do that. Unintentional or not, Dean will do something irrational but undoubtedly very clever to earn a spot in that match. There are no two ways about it.

_i know. we all do. still, wait for his move before you do anything rash._

He crawls under the cover too and turns away from Dean, who's peacefully sleeping, a small smile grazing his lips. Whatever he's dreaming of, it must be good. Maybe they'll even be able to make it through the night without one of his nightmares.

_What move? Did he say anything?_

Did he say anything about me? Seth hasn't added those words but Roman can see them nonetheless, knows Seth has already typed them before he deleted them again, just to write and erase them once more. He is dying to know about anything Dean might have said about him, their current muddled situation or their possible future.

Roman decides it's best to ignore that unspoken question. Pissing Seth off is only funny if he can see the other's face. Even though Roman would love to make a remark about him and Dean getting cozy, how they're not even bothering to talk about their little brother.

(It would drive Seth crazy until he'd crash into their hotel room fiercely, trying to stop something that's only taking place in his head. Now that he thinks about it, the temptation to just do it is almost too much to handle.)

So before he types any stupid shit, he answers: _what move? as if dean ever knows what he'll be doing. but he's as cunning and scheming as you. you'll recognize his move when he makes it._

It's almost time for the sun to rise again and Roman curses his own stupidity to not get some hours of sleep when he had the chance. He'll be a wreck for the next few days. Or more like a zombie.

Honestly, he can't wait for Dean to wake up again, so they can check out of this hotel and travel on. The prospect of sleeping in the car seems like the best thing in the world right now. Wait, why did he think it'd be a bad idea to get some rest in a spacious bed? Right. Why sleep comfortably tucked away on a soft mattress when you can have the hard and unforgivable back seat?

He's so not making the right decisions in life.

_Don't worry, I got this._

He'll have to. And Roman knows that he will, because Seth thinks it's his life-task to look out for Dean; to protect and shield him. But it is Roman's too. Contrary to Seth, Roman knows that Dean doesn't need a constant guardian. He just likes to know the prospect of one is out there.

But maybe that's part of this whole Dean/Seth thing. They're two sides of the same coin, unable to live with or without each other, destined to be together as soon as they can find each other in the maze of life.

Seth cares for Dean so much that he sometimes forgets that his brother is an individual, able to make his own mistakes (wanting to make them even, so he can learn from them) and decisions. Seth is so concerned about everyone's well-being that he tends to ignore what's right and what's wrong.

It's like Roman said, Seth still has a lot to learn. He doesn't know it any better at the moment, even though he is so incredibly smart. Roman should take him under his wing again. Some day. Maybe.

God, this is one fucked up family. (Strangely, that's exactly how Roman likes it.)

_famous last words._

The first rays of sunlight invade their little hotel room and Roman turns back towards Dean again to block out the light for as long as his body can cast a shadow over his best friend.

_I got this._

Yeah. He better does. Or Roman will kick his ass into the next millennium.


	12. if you only knew how much it hurts me

Smackdown is just over, Money in the Bank right before them and still there is some time left for Dean and Seth to try and fix things.

I really wanted to post this before MitB, so there may be some mistakes in here that I just can't find right now. Sorry. Other than that, I wish you tons of fun for the fic and the PPV later. I wish I could watch it too.

* * *

Seth has just buried his face in the pillows and turned off the light to get some much needed sleep – he hasn't properly rested more than three hours a night since all of this started – when his phone chimes up, disrupting his attempt to drift off into a restless slumber.

_Trouble in paradise?_

It's Dean.

Wait a second. _It's Dean!_

After almost eleven days of stubborn silence – which okay, is actually Seth's fault but Dean could have also started a conversation – there is finally a sign of life from his brothers. Other than the short encounters they had on and off air on Raw, Smackdown and the house shows.

But they had never been alone, so Seth couldn't risk talking to them, even though it's all he wanted to do this past week. There is so much they have to sort out, so much Seth has to fix, and at the same time he has to be on his guard 24/7 to not fuck up his charade.

He's a bit in too deep, if he's being honest with himself. But he'll rather chop his hands off than tell that Dean. So he types back a _What do you mean?_.

As far as he can remember he did everything right tonight. He gloated about being the best and attacked Dean from behind to give him a Peace of Mind, yelling some stupid stuff about his time and how he'll keep an eye on him.

Even though he feels bad for curb stomping Dean week after week after week and fighting like a coward, he thinks he's pulled off a pretty believable performance. He even managed to not touch Dean more than necessary with all the cameras fixed on them.

(But the urge to do so, to make sure he hasn't injured him, is almost too much to bear every time.)

Moonlight illuminates his tiny hotel room and he watches how he headlights of bypassing cars cast bizarre shadows on his walls until Dean deigns to answer him. (It takes his brother five minutes and forty-six seconds to do so. He's probably joked with Roman about all of this before he picked up his phone again.)

_You and your new boy toy Randy._

Is that a hint of jealousy? Or just Dean's usual sarcastic, slightly insulting attitude? Without being able to see Dean's face, Seth can't tell anymore. It's one of those things that drive him insane if he thinks about them for too long.

_No, wedding in LV is still planned for next month._

He wishes he could be there with his brother right now, so it'd be easier to talk to him, react to every little detail in the right way. Texts are so impersonal, can be deceiving and misleading. He has enough of that in his life already; he doesn't need it when he's trying to mend things with Dean and Roman.

_Aw, come on. Don't take this away from us. Let us enjoy the fact that no matter where you go these days, no one is able to trust you._

He knows Dean wants to rile him up, get some revenge for everything he has done. And it's working. He feels like the biggest piece of trash that has ever walked the earth since he turned on his family. His brothers treating him like this is justice, he knows, but it still hurts a lot more than he can deal with.

_Knock yourself out_, he writes back, once again ready to try and fall asleep (because this conversation is not the one he wants to have with Dean – it's not even close) and escape the harsh reality he has created for himself.

_Anyone but daddy. Tell me, pretty boy, is there a lot of cock sucking involved?_

Wow. That's just... that's a real low blow. It's obvious Dean is still not over everything Seth has done – but seriously, could his brothers give him a damn break? He's trying so hard to help them, risks his neck to do so and all he gets is _this_?

Makes him wonder sometimes why he even fights so hard to get Dean back.

He listens to a couple walking down the floor outside, yelling at each other before they start to giggle. They remind Seth of Dean and him and it stings somewhere deeps inside his chest, making it hard to breathe. He wants his old life back.

He wants Dean and Roman back. Wants to be together with his family; travel and train with them, make fun of everyone, not taking shit from anybody. He wants to turn around and see someone he loves standing there. Not Randy, not Triple H.

Seth can't believe he fucked up so badly; that one of _his_ plans backfired in the worst possible way.

_Can I call you?_

His fingers have typed the message before he even finished his internal argument about the pros and cons of sending it. He stares at his phone for a while, taps on the screen to keep the light shining, so he won't be trapped in the darkness all by himself.

It has long stopped being his only comfort and instead just drags him closer to the abyss.

He doesn't expect Dean to answer. A simple text to remind Seth of how far away they are from having even a normal business relationship is always possible. But he's really pretty sure that Dean won't split the difference. He won't make it easy for Seth; not even in the slightest.

His phone rings a few minutes later, proving him once again wrong when it comes to Dean Ambrose. He's never been able to control Dean, let alone predict him. That's part of what makes him so interesting.

_I'm sure you have the physical ability to do so._

That's neither a yes nor a no. And so typical for Dean to leave him hanging in mid-air, struggling for every little thing. This is nothing compared to what awaits Seth today at the house show or tomorrow at Money in the Bank and it feels like Dean's behavior is slowly killing him.

_Will you pick up?_

Seth doesn't want to beg; not yet. Not before he has started his probably endless quest to conquer Dean's heart.

Someone with heavy boots stomps down the floor, making Seth's metal bedframe shake with ever step that person takes. This is by far the shabbiest place he's found accommodation in.

_Why don't you find out?_

Yeah, because a simple _yes_ or _no_ would be too much to ask for. Well, here goes nothing. Dean's number is still the most prominent in his memory, so he doesn't even need to find his brother in the contacts; he just types in the numbers and listens to his heartbeat speeding up with each ring.

Dean picks up after the sixth one, catching Seth totally by surprise. He'd expected to be let down, to have to end the call on his own. 'Hi,' is all Seth can squeeze out of his dry mouth, swallowing hard to get rid of the nervousness taking hold of his body.

'Hi,' Dean greets him back, no hint of wrath or disappointment in his voice. Seth can hear Roman saying something in the back and Dean answers, 'I'll be outside.' The way he has emphasized it makes Seth think that it is some kind of code he doesn't understand.

Maybe Dean signaled Roman to interfere whenever he wants to, saving Dean from Seth's onslaught. He's been separated from them for too long to still feel like their brother. Just listening to that small interaction makes him sick and lets him realize he's no longer a part of their lives.

He wants back in.

Seth speaks up as soon as he hears a car door slam shut. 'How are you?' He's asking because Dean fell kinda weird when Seth had pushed him against the steel steps earlier, making his movements slow and sluggish – which is so weird for Dean.

'Fine,' he gets the clipped answer that tells him that Dean is anything but okay. Seems like he has to worm everything out of him bit by bit. Dean is totally set on driving him crazy, no matter what he does. And he deserves that, he knows, but he sometimes wishes Dean would go easy on him. Just once in a while.

'You didn't hurt yourself on those steps?' Dean sighs loudly, clearly exasperated because they're dancing around the elephant in the room, but he needs to give Seth some more time. Planning out a strategy to win Dean over is totally fruitless, because Dean messes with each and every one Seth comes up with.

He'll have to improvise a lot and that needs some preparation. As strange as it may sound. Seth knows that barging at Dean will just make things worse. He has to be careful, make one step at a time until Dean lowers his guard and lets him in, so he can start fighting the real battle.

'Believe it or not, you curb stomping me yet again was way worse.' Yeah, Seth has lost count of how many times he's delivered the Peace of Mind to Dean since his departure, but he can imagine that it's not the best feeling in the world to get one. 'Sorry about that,' he murmurs, but Dean grunts angrily into the phone, making him shut up immediately.

'Don't. That's not what you should be apologizing for.' There's a lot Seth has to make up for. Dean isn't the only one who needs to hear a good excuse. Roman is in line for one too.

But it's harder than Seth had imagined to find the proper way to do it. Simply saying _I'm sorry_ won't cut it. Actions must speak louder than words and Seth is working on that every second of the day.

'How's Roman?' He would love to tell Dean how proud he is that his big brother hasn't only taken out Kane tonight, but also Randy Orton. He's been with the Authority for three weeks now and he's already fed up with Orton's behavior.

It's always I want this, I want that, I'm the best, worship me, I'm gonna kick your ass, blah blah. Dean is right, there is trouble in paradise. But that is actually part of Seth's plan. At least something is working out perfectly, so he should try to stick to it. No matter how hard it might be.

'Nervous and excited. But mostly he's just very chipper because of MitB.' That's more than Seth has expected to hear and it makes him a bit hesitant of how to proceed. Dean is unwontedly cooperative. God, he's so not able to work out Dean.

'I hope he wins.' And he really does. Roman's time might not be there yet – he still has to learn a lot – but who says that he can't do that while he's the WWE champion? Seth thinks his brother deserves to win; not only because it would help Seth a lot with his scheming, but also because of every hardship Roman had to go through until now.

But even if he doesn't climb that ladder to retrieve the two belts, it's pretty clear that Roman's time to reign will come soon. There is so much potential sleeping in that man that it's almost enough to make him jealous.

'Me too,' comes the hesitant reply. It's not because Dean doesn't believe in Roman. It's more likely because Dean is worried that someone (Seth and the Authority) will do something that'll cost Roman his big chance. Yet he doesn't address this matter. At least for now.

Seth pulls the covers up a bit higher, so he almost hides his face with them, closes his eyes and pretends for a blissful moment that Dean is lying here with him. It makes everything so much easier if Dean is by his side – even if it's just in his imagination.

'You did something very noble today,' he whispers after a while to break the comfortable silence. Dean huffs out a tired laugh and Seth runs his hand over the sheets, trying to reach for someone who isn't there anymore. 'I'm not an asshole all the time,' his brother answers, the words bitter and meant to hurt.

As if Seth ever said he is one. (Yes, Seth has claimed Dean to be a raging lunatic, a rabid animal, something that should be on a leash, in a straightjacket or a rubber room. But he's never once told the people Dean was an asshole. Because that would have been the biggest lie of them all.)

'But you don't even like Wade,' he pushes on, eager to be allowed a tiny glimpse into that beautifully complicated mind. 'I like Swagger even less. Besides, it's cowardly to attack someone who's already battered and bruised.'

Okay, he got the hint. Yet he can't stop with his attacks from behind, or Hunter will get suspicious. Even if he has to fight against nausea and his own conscience every time he hits Dean with a curb stomp, he is forced to keep up his facade.

'You could have let the referee take care of it. There was no need to interfere,' Seth pushes on some more, not yet satisfied with Dean's explanation. Dean draws in a deep breath, probably even rolls his eyes at him. He can't even begin to tell how much he wants Dean to be here with him right now.

Not to attack him with his love. No, just to lie next to him, listen to his heartbeat, holding hands. Just to know he's still alive and that everything is okay.

'Look, I saw Wade clapping on Swagger's leg while holding his shoulder and I knew something was wrong. Usually the guys in the locker room respect each other enough to fuck off in such a moment. But since you've never been in the locker room, you wouldn't know. And since Swagger is that stupid moron that he is, I knew he wouldn't stop either. So I intervened. Until you took me out. Is that good enough for you?'

So Roman and Dean are hanging out in the locker room now? That's new. And weird. Seth can imagine how his betrayal has changed some of the guys' opinions about them, but he's fairly sure that his brothers don't appreciate any kind of sympathy. He sincerely hopes they mostly keep to themselves in there.

He doesn't want everything to change without him being around. But it's probably too much to ask for.

'Now it's your turn. Tell me about that plan b.' He scoffs, gripping the sheets tightly to anchor himself. His head is spinning, this whole conversation already too much to handle – and they haven't even started with the grown up talk yet.

'Dean, I can't,' he tries to appeal to his brother's reason. He can't share all parts of his plan, especially if the Authority is involved and if it's Dean who's asking. He wouldn't tell Roman either; doesn't want them to worry too much. They should concentrate on their matches without getting disturbed by anything else.

'Can't or won't?' Dean bites out grumpily; every word slapping him hard in the face. Dean will misinterpret this, but Seth has no valid argument to convince him of the opposite. 'I can't,' he stresses out, 'so let's just hope it won't come to plan b.'

There's some rustling in the background Seth can't place, but it interrupts his nice fantasy of having Dean next to him, so he ignores it as best as he can. 'I swear to God, if you ruin Ro's big chance tomorrow–' 'Dean, it's my _job_ right now. I can't say no, if Hunter demands interference from me. I have to do what–' This time Dean doesn't let him finish his sentence, interjecting, 'What's best for business, yeah, I've heard.'

'– what I have to do,' Seth says as if he hasn't heard Dean talking. 'I can't risk getting caught.' There's a huge amount of pleading going on right now; he's asking for blind faith and it's totally understandable that neither Dean nor Roman are willing to give it to him.

All he can do is constantly remind them that he's still their little brother. Whatever that's worth these days.

Dean sighs tiredly and Seth can make out some scratching sounds, as if he's rubbing with the phone over his stubble. 'I don't wanna talk about this.' 'Yeah, me neither,' Seth answers a bit shyly, unsure if now's the right time to make a move forward. 'Can we talk about us?'

If he won't jump into the unknown, he'll never get anywhere.

Dean stays silent and it shouldn't make Seth's whole body trembling with fear, but then he listens to his friend breathing in and out, mentally preparing himself for what's to come, saying kind of defeated, 'Sure. Whatever.'

Minutes pass without them talking to each other, the silence getting uncomfortable to the point that Seth cringes whenever he hears Dean breathe. He's about to utter something when Dean sneezes three times in a row, wheezing, 'This is so awkward.'

Seth laughs a bit stiffly, sliding under the covers completely to shield himself from the world outside. 'So, what did you have in mind, Seth? Asking me how I feel about you; if I love you?'

He tries to hear every nuance in Dean's voice, every shade of his true emotions, but Dean has chosen to say this in a pretty neutral tone. Seth can't read shit into it. 'Something like that,' he admits and hugs the second pillow close to his chest, imagining it to be Dean.

If he concentrates very hard, he can even smell his brother's fragrance and feel his presence as if he's really lying beside him.

Dean blows out some air, showing the first signs of frustration. 'I don't know. The lines are kinda blurred since you sold out.'

Seth is trying very hard to not lose it, because these words are exactly what he feared to hear, never wanted to hear. Not from Dean. Someone in this run-down hotel could shoot Seth right now, multiple times, and that would still hurt less.

Breathing, something that's entirely natural, is suddenly the hardest task ever, because he has to watch out that Dean won't get wind of it. He doesn't want to appear weak. Not if Dean isn't as affected by all this as he is.

'Is there anything I can do to take us back to where we were before?' It's a miracle that he has been able to say this without breaking out in sobs or his voice shaking. 'Unless you can turn back time, no.'

Boom. Last nail in the coffin.

'Then what? I have already lost?' Before the fight has even started. That's unfair. He didn't even have a chance to prove he's worthy of Dean.

There's a tiny sigh on the other end and Seth fears Dean will hang up any second because he's sick and tired of dealing with him. But then Dean mumbles something that sounds a lot like, 'No one said that. All you have to do is make me fall for you again.'

Is he seriously giving Seth a second (third? Tenth? He doesn't know anymore) chance and telling him what to do? He's about to start a happy rambling, when it hits him and he truly understands what Dean has just said.

Some people would think it'd be easy for Seth to just do whatever he did in FCW, so that he catches Dean's eyes once again. But the thing is, Seth hasn't done anything back then. Or at least, nothing spectacular that he can remember. He had just been himself.

Dean has done all the work. At least that's what Seth remembers. Sure, it had been him who had made the first step after TLC but other than that, he never did anything out of the ordinary.

'But you fell for me first in FCW. I didn't do anything at all.' He's complaining, he can hear that, but he won't ever be able to recreate the magic that had happened between them back then. In 2011, Seth and Dean had just clashed and started to gravitate around each other.

It had been a complete coincidence. Unavoidable and beautiful.

'It's up to you, Seth. If you want me in your life, then you'll have to work for it. If you don't–' '_No_,' he screams into the phone and can practically see Dean frowning at him. 'No,' he repeats softer, 'I do. Just... promise me it won't be in vain.'

He's asking for a lot, but he doesn't want to pour his heart and soul into pursuing Dean, just to end up alone anyway. Dean might want some revenge but Seth doesn't think he'd do this to him. At least he believes so.

'I can't,' Dean whispers a bit broken, like it hurts him to even admit it out loud. 'Can't or won't?' Seth asks back, imitating Dean's question in the hopes of receiving the same answer. 'Both.' Well, that isn't exactly what he needs to hear.

'But I'm still your boy, right? I mean, you tried to draw me out tonight after your match calling me your boy.' He's probably clutching at straws here, but it has to mean something that Dean has said that right after he'd won, expecting – wanting – Seth to come at him.

There's a thin laugh coming through the speakers, followed by a very fond, 'Yeah.' He has to smile at that and hugs the pillow closer to his chest. 'You're still on my shit list though.' Of course he is.

This whole conversation turns out to be a lot more laid back than Seth had imagined. Dean is, for some strange reason, not nearly as pissed off and reserved as Seth thought he'd be. Even after everything that has happened on Smackdown earlier.

'Is Roman with you?' It's just a hunch, but usually only Roman has the ability to calm Dean down like this. (Seth has always been very jealous of that because Rome doesn't even have to do anything. Just his presence is enough to ground Dean.)

'Nope,' his brother answers a bit lazily, 'but he's keeping an eye on me from our hotel room.' Probably waiting for a sign to interfere and save Dean from Seth. Nice tactic, but so far he hasn't given Dean anything to complain about.

Which reminds him that he maybe should start with it. 'So,' he draws out the word, unsure of how to continue. 'Would you mind some impromptu making-out in the future?' He got Dean's attention with some surprise kisses the first time. Maybe that will work again.

Seth just wants to make sure that Dean isn't totally against it, so that such actions wouldn't destroy more than they'd do any good. Dean keeps quiet for a while, mulling over the consequences of every possible answer, before settling for, 'Is that what you wanna do? From zero to sixty in no time?'

Well, no one ever said that all of his plans were genius ones.

'I've got nothing left to lose,' he argues half-heartedly. They're both very aware that Seth has everything to lose; he's completely alone and standing with his back against the wall. But Dean is kind enough to not go into this delusion of Seth's.

'Well then, go ahead, pretty boy,' Dean encourages him over the phone, the cocky smile evident in his voice. 'There is something I need to tell you first.' It's been hard for him to hide the truth from his brothers, but he feels like the time has come to finally break his silence.

Dean and Roman deserve to know why he's left them behind three weeks ago. 'Something you should know before we do anything else.' Dean sighs tiredly, stifling a yawn. 'Have you lied to us again?'

First of all: no. And second: why is he always talking about him _and_ Roman? It's nice that they've grown even tighter together and all that but this has nothing to do with their big brother. Well, what Seth will tell Dean now should be interesting for him too, but generally is this only a thing between him and Dean.

'No, Dean, I mean I should tell you the truth about my...' He stops himself, not quite sure how to address his departure. Dean takes the decision out of his hands when he asks, 'Treason?' Well, that's one way to put it even though it's kind of a bit over the top.

It's not like he sold their most private secrets to the world or anything like that.

'Yeah,' he mutters nonetheless, opening his mouth to start his story when Dean cuts him off. 'I thought it was because you hated being around me.' What? No, that's... oh, come on. That weren't his words.

'I never said that,' he grits out, realizing that it doesn't matter. Dean has already filed it away as that and there's nothing that can change it. 'Yes.'

Dean grunts a few times and Seth can hear him getting comfortable on the backseat of their rental car. 'Am I going into MitB all riled up because of your story?' He yawns once again and Seth feels a little bit guilty for keeping Dean up so late at night because he needs to confess.

'Probably. Definitely.' Dean laughs, this time strong and heartily. It echoes painfully loud in his head, reminding him once again of what he's lost. 'Then please, shoot,' Dean encourages him, tiredness creeping its way into his voice.

There's no going back now. The moment of truth has finally come and Seth hopes – prays even – that it'll help him get back his family. He needs them in his corner, even if they have to keep all of it a secret. But he'll probably die or go insane if he has to live through just one more day without Dean.

'Well... I guess it all started at the Royal Rumble.'


	13. stop and say you love me

Jesus, MITB and Raw gave me so much to work with. I fear I might never be able to address all of it. Ever. But next up is the MITB fallout, with a little Raw added, because I really want to finally move on with the whole Dean/Seth thing. Thanks for your support (I never say that enough). I love you all!

* * *

Seth is lying on the king sized bed, remote in his hand, flipping through the channels aimlessly as he's listening to the sounds of running water. He's so bored right now, he can't even put it into words.

There's nothing on television to keep him company while Roman is showering and Dean is out doing, well, whatever Dean does when he's walking the streets alone.

Seth has always been curious what exactly Dean is up to during those two hours he's gone (actually, it's two hours, four minute and eleven seconds every time, like Dean has some inner clock that tells him exactly when to come back home – and yes, Seth has stopped the time for the past three months now. Talking about being pathetically in love and/or curious), but Dean never loses even a single word about it.

Today though, he has forgotten to look at the watch, because he'd been in the bathroom bleaching his hair when Dean took off. So he's dying of boredom now while Roman takes care of his battered back and flawless hair, waiting for Dean to barge in their room again, ready to give Seth some shit because the bleaching product's scent is still polluting the air.

He can't get rid of it, no matter how many windows he opens, and besides, he's the real victim here because he constantly smells it for almost a week every time he does this to his hair.

Seth doesn't hear any footsteps coming to their door but suddenly it flings open, scaring him to death, and Dean swaggers into the room, scrunching up his nose and rolling his eyes at him. 'There's a thing out there, Seth. It's called a hairdresser. They're getting paid to do your hair and endure that stinking shit. Why are you always doing this in our fucking room?'

See? Dean comes back to give him shit. He totally loves riling the other up.

'I'm not trusting anyone with my hair,' he counters, flipping it with both hands to piss his brother off even more. 'I swear, one night, I'm gonna shave it off and sell it on ebay,' Dean threatens him with a cocky grin while practically throwing his boots around the room and shimmying out of his jeans.

Seth has to summon up his entire self-control to not jump his brother from behind and prevent him from putting on some pjs. He somehow manages to stay in bed, sprawled over the whole place, and is even able to talk back at Dean.

'Pff, selling it. You'd shave it off to make a wig for yourself, baldy.'

Dean turns around, eyebrows drawn up as high as possible (his receding hairline is a touchy subject, especially because Rome and Seth tend to make fun of it – even though he has to admit that he loves Dean's messy blond hair more than he ever lets the other believe), a snarl leaving his lips.

Seth is ninety percent sure he's gonna get punched for that comment and Dean looks like he wants to do it for about three seconds, before he just shrugs and sighs exasperated – as if Seth is a stubborn, annoying child – and changes into some sweatpants and a tank top.

'Hey Pegasus, why don't you spread your wings, fly a bit around, shooting rainbows out of your ass and flop down a bit more to the right?' Seth scoffs and rolls himself to the left, just for good measure, smiling up at Dean who now has to round the bed.

Or would have to. Seth also should have known better than to underestimate Dean's laziness. His brother crawls over him, kicking him in the junk just because he can while doing so and sags down next to Seth as if he's just come back from a marathon.

He's checking him as inconspicuous as he can – no sweat, no elevated heartbeat. So Dean's not running in those two hours. God damn, he wants to know that secret so badly.

Maybe random hook-ups to blow off some steam? Would be Dean's style but Seth hopes – prays – he's wrong about that one. He doesn't want to share Dean. (Even though they're not a couple; not even close to being one, but Seth is pretty possessive over the one he chose to be his partner for life.)

Or he walks around town, probably eating pizza and burgers without Seth and Roman being there to scold him; maybe he's just enjoying some time alone. Seth would bet his money on the last option, because Dean is someone who needs a lot of off time to recharge his _don't be a lone wolf_-batteries.

Roman has never asked either of them what Dean is doing when he's gone. Their big brother is just so laid back and calm about everything. It's frustrating and awesome at the same time.

'Nothing better on?' Dean asks after a while, snatching the remote out of Seth's hand – sending a pleasant jolt through his body when their skin touches – and changes the channels faster than he can follow with his eyes.

'Dude, you need to actually stop once in a while,' he says, fed up with only seeing a blur of colors on the screen and tries to take control over the remote again. It ends in a brawl, like it always does. Dean is holding on to that black device like it's some long lost treasure and Seth is fighting for it as if it'll grant him eternal youth.

That they don't fall off the bed or break it in the process is a small miracle. Seth puts up a good fight, trying to take Dean by surprise but his brother has already won this even before Seth had launched himself at him.

Simply because these days, Seth can't control his body as much as he wishes to.

So Seth does the only thing that can safe him from any kind of humiliation. Which is sliding off Dean and the bed in defeat and running into the bathroom, excusing himself that he has to take a leak before Dean kicks him in the jewels again and he'll wet him.

He hears a confused yet victorious _K__inky_ before he slams the door shut behind him, making Roman in the bathtub slip. It's like watching a car crash happening in slow motion.

Roman – behind the white, very transparent shower curtain – flails for a few seconds, desperately trying to regain his balance. His hands grip the curtain, ripping it off before he is finally able to steady himself on the tiles. His bright eyes search for the intruder, the plastic sheet barely covering Roman's best parts, and Seth smiles bashfully, silencing his big brother with a finger on his lips.

Roman's mouth is pressed together in a thin line, water hits his broad shoulders and lands all over the bathroom floor because of the missing curtain, but one of Seth's well-practiced puppy looks softens his brother up immediately.

He just sighs fondly, assessing the mess he's just created. 'Jesus, man, why is it that neither of you guys understand the concept of privacy? I never disturb your beauty sessions either,' Roman complains and reaches for the handle to turn off the water when Seth jumps forward and holds him back, shaking his head violently.

'What?' Yeah, what? Fuck if he knows. 'Dean can't hear this,' he whispers urgently, following Roman's demanding gaze with his own eyes. His hand is still on his brother's arm, lowering the cover unintentionally. He draws his fingers back as if he'd been burnt, apologizing over and over again, before he sags down on the toilet seat, defeated and helpless.

'What should I do?' Roman shoots him a puzzled look, already trying to repair the curtain to get back to showering in peace. 'About what?' Seth groans loudly, pointing to the wall behind him, hissing, 'Dean! He's lying there in the bed and–'

Roman laughs lightly, sneaking an amused peek at him. 'And you're hiding in the bathroom, peeping on me. Smart move, kiddo.' Ha ha. He's really desperate right now. This whole _Dean is turning me on_ thing has been going on for too long and it's getting kinda frustrating that Seth can't do anything about it.

He _knows_ for sure that Dean knows exactly what's going on in his head, but Dean would rather eat a whole box of rusty nails than make it easy for Seth. He's totally enjoying to see Seth sweat blood and tears to be close to him while also keeping his distance. He probably deserves that, but it's still driving him insane.

'I don't know what to do,' he whines, hiding his face in his hands. Dean is never saying anything against physical contact; has never hit him for stealing a kiss or two. But he also never reciprocated the way Seth wants him to. Roman is a big source of support for him, encouraging him to pursue Dean to his heart's desire, but he's never telling Seth if his constant trying isn't totally in vain.

'Since when?' Roman has finally managed to put the curtain back in its place and continues his cleaning binge, leaving Seth alone even though he's right there with him. 'You obviously know no boundaries, so get your ass outta here and have some quality time with your boyfriend.'

Seth gasps (secretly thinking that he likes the ring of it) and gets up again, trying to stand his ground. 'He's not my boyfriend.' Sadly, Dean isn't. Not that they need to label anything, but Seth would like to take things to the next level. Being left in the dark isn't really satisfying.

Roman moans annoyed, sticking his head out of the shower. 'Only a matter of time. Now go and use the next, say, twenty minutes as good as you can.' What? He's supposed to just go back to Dean, lie next to him without Roman as a safety zone between them, watch Dean rub absentmindedly over his abs...

Yeah, no, he's so not prepared for that.

'How?' he asks weakly, his whole body feeling like he's about to crash and burn. 'I don't know, hold hands, enjoy his company, make out, I don't care. As long as you keep the noise down. You have twenty minutes, lover boy.'

And with that Roman turns his back on him, snickering like some evil witch. With a heavy heart Seth breathes in deeply to open the door again.

His plan is to go back and lie down, just like Roman had suggested. It's a good start. Then he'll scoot as close as he can without it being weird, so that somewhere along the line he can grab Dean's hand and entwine their fingers. He's wanted to do that for a long time now but always stopped right before it happened.

When Dean doesn't protest, he'll try and lay his head on the other's chest, so he can listen to the rhythm of his heart. Seth has always been curious if it beats out of control when he's around Dean; just like his does too.

What's natural with Roman (the three of them snuggle almost every night) seems to be weird and intrusive if it's just Seth trying to convince Dean to do it. What if Dean isn't into him as much as Seth believes? What if he's more interested in Roman? The two of them do have a special bond that Seth doesn't quite understand.

He's never seen Dean interact with their Samoan brother any differently than he does with him, which makes him wonder if these thoughts aren't just fueled by jealousy. Seth doesn't like to share Dean with anyone, but what if he has to do it because Roman is an important variable in the equation too?

He loves Roman with all his heart but that's going a bit too far. Dean shall be his and his alone. Is that too obsessive? Well, as long as he's still fighting for Dean to even be his partner, he supposes that it's okay. All is fair in love and war, right?

Maybe, if he's really lucky tonight, Dean will let Seth kiss him and this time he'll answer it fiercely. A dream would come true. He doesn't want to keep on making out with Dean and only be able to think of a sex doll – because neither of them react in any way.

Yeah, that's the game plan. Easy as pie, right?

He pushes the door open and wipes little beads of sweat off his forehead, ready to announce his return with something witty and slightly sexual when his eyes fall on Dean.

The covers are drawn up, the television the only light in the room. He's asleep. Dean is fucking _asleep_. He has waisted a golden opportunity to get closer to Dean, hiding in the bathroom like some hormone-filled teenager who's about to get rid of his v-card.

If Roman sees this, he'll never hear the end of it. So Seth just crawls back into the bed as quietly and carefully as he can – leaving the tv on, so Roman won't trip when he's done showering – deciding kind of spontaneously to spoon Dean.

Tonight he'll be in the middle, back turned to Roman, so that Dean belongs only to himself. Even if he wasted a good chance, he still has a whole lifetime to make up for it. No one will ever take his brother away from him and he'll never let both of them disappear out of his life again.

They're all he has and he couldn't be any happier – even if Dean won't ever be his.

He blinks a few times, trying to remember where he is and why there is so much freaking light in the room. Then it hits him. Hotel room, sunlight. It's already a new day. Ugh.

He yawns tiredly and throws back the covers, looking around confused in the hopes to find Dean when he remembers. He's alone. Has been for the past three weeks. No Roman, no Dean, no one. Just Seth and the darkness following him everywhere he goes. It's all just been a dream of a long lost memory.

But there is something lying under his cheek, poking him uncomfortably. It's his phone. Why is it– Oh my God. He didn't fall asleep while explaining to Dean why he left them? Please, oh God, someone please tell him he didn't do that.

No, no, no. Dean will kill him. Never talk to him again. Hire an assassin because he doesn't want to stain his own hands with Seth's blood. He's a fucking moron.

How the hell could he fall asleep while telling a fucking story? Seriously, how did he manage to do that?

He taps on his phone desperately, intent on calling Dean once again, when he sees that the call never ended. He's been connected to Dean for the past six hours. Holy shit. Thank every higher power in the world that he has a flat-rate.

'Dean?' he asks hesitantly, because there is no sound on the other end. There is also no answer. For a few minutes he sits in his bed, phone in hand, thinking about what to do now. He could just hang up, Dean would never know.

Seth presses his cell against his ear until he can make out the faint breathing of Dean. And that's when it hits him a second time. He wasn't the one dropping off. Well, obviously he did, but Dean did first. He remembers now that he got so angry for a second that he wanted to rebuild The Shield just to destroy it again.

It felt as if the reason for Seth's behavior didn't even interest him anymore.

But then the fury ebbed away with each deep breath of Dean, leaving him lying in his bed and yearning for the other to be there with him. It was kind of his fault, because he made the story unnecessarily long and full of dramatic pauses.

If he'd been the one listening to it, he would've drifted off too. Dean hadn't even held on long enough to get to the important part. Seems like he has to trap Dean somewhere, so he can finally tell him the whole truth. Maybe even with Roman being there too.

He's done with hiding his feelings. At least in front of his little family.

'Dean?' he whispers again, knowing already that he won't get an answer. Neither will he get any kind of absolution in the near future. Maybe their match at Money in the Bank can help him somehow. He has no clue how yet, but he'll figure it out. He always does.

Seth is a moment away from ending the call, when the car door is being opened and some rustling can be heard. 'Morning,' Roman greets him friendly, almost gently and Seth smiles relieved, answering, 'Hi.'

'You had a good talk?' Roman wants to know and Seth laughs sadly. 'He dozed off in the middle of it.' Roman chuckles before the car door gets closed again and he cracks up gleefully, needing a moment to catch his breath again.

'Yeah, that's Dean. Don't be mad at him, he's had a rough couple of nights.' Don't they all? But he gets it, he really does. He doesn't know why he's expected this to go smoothly because everything with Dean is complicated, a challenge.

'See you tonight?' Roman begins to say goodbye and Seth starts to sweat nervously, not ready to let go of his brother yet to get up and put on his person suit for the Authority again.

'Rome?' he shoots back, too hurriedly and desperately but Roman just stays silent. 'Good luck for tomorrow. We're finally losing out ladder match virginity.' What the fuck? Sometimes his mouth shouldn't be allowed to give birth to words.

There's not a peep answering him; Seth can totally imagine the frown on Roman's face, maybe even some pouty lips because he has a way with them. It's awkward and unpleasant and making him so damn sad – when have things with his brothers ever been this horrible?

And the worst part of it? It's all Seth's fault.

'Well, see you in Portland later?' Roman's still staying quiet and it's unnerving. As much as he likes this about him – he bathes in that calmness whenever he can – now is totally the wrong time for it.

Finally, Roman inhales deeply. 'Seth?' 'Yeah?' he breathes out, rushed and overzealous, but he couldn't care less. Roman obviously struggles a bit on the other end of the line (Seth can hear footsteps, as if he's pacing in the parking lot), before he offers, 'If you ever wanna talk.'

He doesn't finish the sentence, but Seth couldn't be happier anyway. It's a peace offering of some sorts and it means that his big brother is trying to mend things too. It's not only Seth's mission anymore, Roman is willing to give him a hand.

Now he just needs to convince Dean of his innocence, his good intentions and his love.

Okay, _that_ might take a while.

'That, yeah, that'd be great,' he thanks Roman, relief the only emotion he doesn't want to keep out of his voice. Roman snickers before getting serious again. 'Keep an eye on Dean during MitB, will ya?'

There's nothing in the world that could stop him from doing that.

'Promise.'


	14. i'm seconds away from breaking apart

Sorry guys, but I won't be tackling RAW and SD in depth, because MitB gave me so much work and the story went kinda crazy after this. Dean just demanded to get some time with Seth and who am I to say no to them? =D

* * *

The past hour has probably been the longest one in his entire life. Directly after his win at the ladder match he got cornered by Triple H and Stephanie, so they could celebrate their little golden poster boy. He didn't even get the chance to ask about Dean and his bad shoulder.

And he couldn't let anything slip in front of them either, having fucked up in the ring earlier already when Dean got escorted backstage.

They forced him to make some pictures with the briefcase, congratulated him for winning and being their new WWE Word Heavyweight Champion sometime during the next 365 days, when all he could think about was Dean and how Triple H fucked him over, ignoring his explicit wish to not execute plan B.

Kane's interference was not what Seth had wanted. He knew what he was doing when he asked Hunter to put Dean in the match. It was not only the move Roman had expected from him in his text message, he'd also meant it when he said, 'I got it.'

But Hunter and his stupid plan Bs. Kane as back-up was supposed to be only Randy's thing. Seth had done his best to manipulate Triple H into thinking that Orton might not be able to do the job again, that he needed someone to aid him – someone other than Seth because he'd be more than happy to rest after his own match.

It had worked but obviously the Authority doesn't trust him enough to believe he could make it on his own. He really needs to work on that in the future. But that little power-fueled family is cracking agonizingly slow and that's exactly what he intended to do.

His plan is working and him winning the match, thanks to Kane's unwanted interference, will help him alienate Randy even more. It's a long shot but Seth is sure he can pull it off. Especially, since Roman is slowly coming to his aid in his own way.

And Dean... Well, Dean is a whole different problem. But somehow he will make him trust Seth again. All of his schemes have worked out so far, he won't let this be the one that fails. Even if it's the last thing on earth he'll do.

Roman's match should be almost over and Seth is finally alone, roaming around backstage to find Dean. All he wants is one quick look to make sure he's okay, but he can't find his brother anywhere. And honestly, he doesn't like the way everyone turns away when he walks by.

Seems like they guys backstage like him even less than during his Shield times. He'd never thought it'd be possible, but here they are.

He's had that damn briefcase for about sixty minutes and he's already sick of it.

Dean is obviously not here anymore, or he's just very good at hiding. Seth has checked every place he could have been if they'd still be The Shield, but it might be possible that his brothers really hang out in the locker room now and Seth isn't ready to tackle that obstacle yet.

So he sneaks out of the arena, still wearing Dean's hoodie at any possible chance, and tries to find the rental car of his brothers. Which is like searching for a needle in a haystack. A needle he has no idea of how it looks like, so he checks every car for Dean, but it's like he's vanished into thin air.

Maybe he's still with the medical staff. Seth hadn't thought about that. God damn.

Either way, it's getting late and the whole locker room will soon be here, seeing him snoop around. He so doesn't need that. Seems like he'll have to call Roman and Dean as soon as he's back in the hotel.

He's able to ignore his aching back until he's lying in his bed, briefcase hidden under his duffel, so he won't be reminded of getting robbed of his own victory all the time. He barely manages to roll onto his stomach, wincing and hissing at the pain shooting through his body.

Seth has taken a lot of damage tonight and somehow he survived his first ladder match without any major injuries. Unlike Dean. He's worried that it was the superplex off the ladder that hurt his brother. He's seen the scene, Hunter showing it to him with devilish glee that made Seth feel sick and angry to the point he wanted to bash the other's head in.

Dean had taken all the damage, hitting the canvas only with his shoulder blades. Seth had been out cold for a few seconds too, landing directly on his spine, but remembering the impact, he's sure Dean fought the rest of the match against Seth and constant pain.

Seth is actually really thankful that Wade got injured and wasn't able to compete in the match. He has a lot of respect for the guy, knows he's as dangerous and good and hungry as any of them; but it would've been a totally different match with the Brit in it. And Seth has already gotten his fare share of everyone's wrath tonight.

Though Dean gave him the most shit. Which was his job and according to the plan. Yet Seth knows that probably all of it was just Dean letting out his feelings without thinking about any strategy. Seth is okay with that too. He deserves all the heat in the world and an unleashed Dean is a lot of fun to work with.

Even though there's still a huge pile of ill-will between them, Seth knows that he can blindly trust Dean in the ring. His brother would never hurt him intentionally, not even back when he didn't know about this ploy.

He probably has to thank Roman for that and the fact that he's (hopefully) still their baby brother.

He's lying there for about half an hour without moving an inch, very close to falling asleep all sweaty and exhausted, when he remembers what he'd wanted to do in the first place. Check on Dean.

He dials Roman's number after not getting Dean on the phone – the voicemail answered immediately –, face buried in the pillow. He thinks about changing into something comfortable and non-leathery but he's too lazy and tired to even get up. One night in those tight pants won't kill him, right?

'Dude, I was just about to go to sleep,' Roman complains, not even bothering to greet him. His brother is probably totally sore too. Seth doesn't really know, he hasn't seen the whole match, so he could search for Dean. 'How is he? Is he okay?' he shoots back in the same manner, switching off the lights to be left alone in the darkness.

Roman groans loudly and Seth can hear the sheets rustle. 'Dislocated his shoulder.' Fuck. 'During that ladder assisted superplex? Is he going to be okay?' Seth knew immediately that that fall had just been plain wrong. 'I think it was the DDT against Swagger. That guy has a way with shoulder injuries,' Roman yawns into the phone, gladly nice enough to answer the other question too.

'And it's Dean. You know how he is. Pain is no stranger to him.' Roman sounds a bit miffed, but Seth chooses to ignore that for now. It has either to do with Roman not winning the match or Seth calling him in the middle of the night, the first words only about Dean.

He's getting to the part where they'll talk about Roman later. First things first though.

'So it's back in now?' There's a light chuckle on the other end that makes Seth's whole body relax immediately. 'Sure is. He came running backstage, yelling my name, grabbing me by the vest and screaming _Pop it back in_ because the medics were reluctant to do it.'

Yeah, sounds like Dean. He's heard him demand that in the ring too, just before he got ushered to the back. 'Did you?' 'Yup. He wanted to be in that match at all costs.' And he'd almost won it too. Seth had watched him climb up that ladder, too numb and beaten up to move just an inch but then Kane's music hit and Seth knew that Dean would never get a fair chance to grab that case.

He'd wanted Dean to win it, had rooted for him. But in the end, it had to be him. And right now, Seth is just glad that the case is in the hands of a Shield member. Former Shield member. One of them had to do it, or else Seth couldn't continue with this phase of the plan: get rid of The Viper.

'So, plan B, huh?' Roman asks after a while, and the dark tone of his voice tells Seth that he's a bit (a lot) disappointed by him for using Kane to cost Dean the match. 'Wasn't my idea. I told him I can win this on my own, but Hunter thought I'd need some help.'

'I bet he did,' Roman answers, yawning again. Seth feels a bit better, now that he knows Dean isn't injured more than he already was – that shoulder is one pain in the ass for years now –, but he still wants to keep this conversation going.

It's almost as if they're in the same room again, talking to each other like they used to. He hasn't truly felt safe and at home for a long while now and it's slowly but surely breaking him apart.

'Lemme guess, you'll rub it in that Orton has lost and you've done the job, even though uncle Kane was there to change his diapers,' Roman guesses absolutely right, delight evident in his words. They might have different agendas at the moment but in the end all three of them are going after the guys that broke apart their little family.

(It's better not to think about him being part of the targets too, making all of this possible in the first place.)

'You need to get your face under control, Seth. Your mask slipped tonight and the whole world could see it. Don't. That was stupid and dangerous.' He doesn't need to tell Seth that. He knows he got lucky there. But when they led Dean away from him, he'd just panicked internally.

He was torn between running after him, making sure he's okay and hesitating to climb the ladder without Dean being there.

''I know. Guess it's good that Hunter isn't the best in reading people. He thought that was me realizing Dean is finally out of the picture and I can win this thing.' The worry in his face had been evident – he's even a bit ashamed that his feelings got the better of him – but thankfully it all turned out good.

He just has to be more careful in the future. Another slip might break his neck.

'Are you alright?' Seth blinks confused, breaking out in a happy grin when he realizes that Roman wants to talk to him some more. They're making progress and what he's feeling now is so much better than what went through his head when he grabbed that golden briefcase and held it up in victory.

'Yeah,' he answers evasively, not being used to get any concern from his family anymore. It's been four weeks and it's like they're almost complete strangers. 'A bit bruised, I guess. And there's a headache coming.' Actually, he already has one ever since Kofi threw him on that ladder and he landed with his head on a rung.

Roman hums kind of mirthfully, making Seth smile again. That's the brother he misses so much. 'Awesome match though,' he compliments him and Seth feels guilty for not fully watching Roman's. But it's not a lie when he says, 'Your have been amazing too. Sorry you lost.'

He can hear muffled laughter and waits patiently until Roman has sipped some water. 'It's okay. My time will come. You must be pretty excited though.' 'About what?' he asks automatically, not being able to think properly anymore. Why would he be chipper about Roman losing?

'Having the guarantee to become WWE champion in the next year?' 'Oh that,' he laughs a bit awkwardly, 'yeah, sure.' He couldn't care less about that at the moment. A title means nothing if there's no one he can celebrate with. (No one he actually likes, at least.)

This is not how he wanted to win his first big one.

Roman sighs, probably pinching the bridge of his nose. 'What's wrong?' Seth huffs, not really knowing why he can't even be happy that he had a great match and did some pretty cool stuff out there, showing everyone that they shouldn't mess with Seth Rollins while keeping Dean close like he's promised Roman.

'I don't know,' he admits in a hushed whisper. 'It just doesn't feel right.' All of it, if he's being honest. This whole night, this god damn stupid plan, him being lonely after a day like this, Dean nowhere to be found. He wants to turn back time so badly, he'd sell his soul (again) for a chance to do it.

'You winning by cheating – which is something you have to do as part of the Authority, so don't sweat it – or you not being able to get a hold of Dean after everything that's been happening tonight?' Roman still can read him like an open book. At least that worry is unfounded.

'Both? I wish I could be there with you. Like in the old times.' There. He's said it. Now he needs to hear Roman repeat it; telling him that his brothers suffer every day he's not with them too. What comes next are not the exact words, but it's close enough. 'Me too.'

'And Dean?' He has to ask, has to get some sort of confirmation that Dean has mentioned anything about Seth. If he won't get at least a tiny information about the status of their current relationship, he'll go nuts and give up everything very soon.

It should concern him that in his head it's all about Dean and only Dean, but he's at a point in his life where he has accomplished a lot, more than he ever thought he would, and there's just one thing missing: his family. Both of them. Roman as his big brother, his _uce_, and Dean as his partner in crime. (And in bed.)

'Dunno. He's out, walking it off, blowing off some steam. I don't even want to know what he's up to,' Roman admits and Seth raises a fist in victory, remembering his dream from the day before yesterday. The tiny movement jolts his body, making him writhe in pain. He's been in the wrestling business for what, eleven years now, and he still doesn't know when to just lay low.

Some people never learn.

'I already scolded him too.' What? What for? 'Dean was awesome tonight,' Seth interjects, ready to fight Roman about this until his brother will give up. (Seth has never lost an argument and he definitely won't back down from one about Dean.)

Roman chuckles fondly, calming him down by saying, 'Not during the match. His promo.' Huh?

_Oh._

He probably means the _grab you by the tie and suit and rip you apart_ thing. Seth had actually blushed a bit when he heard that, totally mesmerized by Dean's gray leather jacket and his whole body language. Which might be why Roman is a bit mad at both of them for not being able to keep their mutual attraction out of their promos and matches.

'I liked it,' he mumbles, smiling when he remembers Dean threatening him to bash his face in with a ladder. Thank God that Dean didn't have a chance to do that. He's really fond of it the way it is.

'I'm sure you did,' Roman laughs, half-delighted, half-enervated. 'But it's dangerous mixing reality and our act.' There are two things going on in Seth's head right now. Firstly, he's super excited that Roman said _our act_ instead of _his_. And secondly, Seth starts to scowl because doing exactly that is one of Dean's specialties.

He's never heard even a single promo of his brother that doesn't have some autobiographical stuff in it. That's why Seth loves each and every one so much, because they tell him more about his friend than Dean ever willingly would.

'He knows what he's doing,' he mutters confidently, and listens to Roman exhale deeply. 'I hope so.' He doesn't sound like it. Roman actually sounds kind of scared and unsure if this whole thing isn't going to blow up in their faces. He's probably worried that something will happen to Dean's mental state.

But he's not alone with that. Seth isn't so sure about that one anymore either. Dean has changed since his departure and sometimes Seth thinks that the lines between in ring-Dean and private-Dean are vanishing faster than Roman or he can keep up with. It's another thing that's been bugging Seth, making him realize that he can't deal with every little problem himself.

And very, very lonely.

'Can I come over?' It's the first time he's felt like it's the perfect moment to ask for this one favor. Roman sighs and it's enough to crash his hope. 'Seth,' his brother says in a broken voice, begging him to never ask for it again. Not until they offer it to him.

'Yeah, sorry,' he answers, trying his best to not give into the overwhelming urge to start crying. He's hurting, lonely and he wants to be with his family. This whole situation is taking a toll on him and there is no one there to help him glue the pieces of his shattered life together again.

At least Dean and Roman have each other.

'Not yet, okay?' Roman tries to soothe him and if he'd be here with him right now, he'd pat Seth on the head and hug him close to his broad chest. 'Yep,' he tries to be brave but he's very close to failing horribly. 'I promise, Seth,' Roman adds, sensing that he's having some trouble to keep his calm.

He clears his throat, suddenly so tired that he could sleep for the rest of his life – the exhaustion a result of his desperation – and speaks up, hoping that his voice won't betray him. 'It's gotten pretty late. We should go to bed.'

He hears Roman heave a sigh, totally seeing through his blatant lie, but in the end he gives in; grants Seth some much needed time off. 'Goodnight, Seth.' 'Night, Rome,' he whispers back and ends the call without waiting for a possible answer.

His eyes are burning, begging him to let his sadness run wild, but he doesn't want to fall asleep crying like some baby. He should try to hold it together. Which means he can start with actually getting up, peeling this tight ring attire off him and get to bed wearing one of Dean's old shirts.

(He has 'borrowed' a lot of the others clothes during the eighteen months with The Shield and 'forgot' to give any of it back when he left.)

He's halfway done with trying to take off the pants when his phone rings. For some reason, he still has the presence of mind to not jump on the bed with his gear around his ankles and answer the call with a frantic _Dean?_, because it's Triple H on the other end of the line. And boy, would that have been awkward and hard to explain, right?

'Everything okay?' he asks hesitantly, looking at the clock on his nightstand. It's almost four am and they've talked about everything directly after Money in the Bank already. 'Of course. Listen, I had a conversation with Steph about the whole Cena situation.'

Oh. So John had once again won the titles. To be honest, Seth couldn't care less. He has nothing against John but he doesn't like him either. And he can't help it, but every time he looks at that man he has to think of the song Roman's cousin Dwayne had composed for Cena.

Even with tears in his eyes, a hated person on the phone and an aching loneliness tearing his insides apart, he still has to smile when he goes through the lyrics in his head. He's so immersed in it that he almost doesn't listen to Hunter talking to him.

'We don't want him as our champion, so we'll use that briefcase of yours tomorrow night on Raw.' Well, how about no? He just won this thing. He wants to keep it for a while, even though it's not handy at all. And kinda ugly. At least it's not pink.

'Just like that?' he inquires, voice tight and ruthless. (It's an act that drains him of all his energy and he'll have to get this over with quickly, because there already is none of it left in him.) He might not be the smartest guy in the universe but even he knows that cashing the contract in on a show without any preparation is the dumbest thing he can think of.

'Of course not. He's going to be in a match with your former business partner tomorrow and–' Seth doesn't even hear the rest of it. His heartbeat rises at the mention of his brothers and the blood rushing in his ears is all he can concentrate on. _Please let it be Roman and not Dean_, he begs, his whole body screaming in agony.

Dean is his to deal with. He doesn't want anyone else to lay even a single finger on him. Especially not when he's injured.

Triple H is still speaking when Seth calms down enough to follow the conversation again. '–a Fatal 4-Way at Battleground.' Uh, what? Fuck. 'Sorry, long day. Could you repeat that?' He holds his breath until Triple H snickers and starts his little speech again after calling him his precious little boy. _Ugh_.

'Cena and Roman will fight against Kane and Randy tomorrow in a tag team match. I already ordered Randy to focus on Reigns – and he wasn't very happy about it – while Kane takes out Cena. When I give you the sign, you'll come out and cash in. Should something go wrong and Cena somehow retains the title, Randy will get a chance for it in a Fatal 4-Way at Battleground.'

'What about Dean?' is his first question and he bites his lip to stop himself from saying one more word. He's so close to blow his cover. Neither Roman nor Dean would ever forgive him.

When Hunter laughs it sounds like sandpaper rubbing over skin and it makes him squirm uncomfortably. 'Don't worry your little head about Ambrose.' His first instinct is to defend Dean, tell Triple H that he should never underestimate his brother, but he somehow manages to stay silent.

'Just cash in the case tomorrow, pin Cena and become the champion Steph and I can be proud of.' No word about Orton. Wow, this has worked faster and better than he'd expected. Yet, he doesn't want to become the WWE champion like this. He needs to talk to Dean as soon as possible. His brother has to intervene in the very last moment to prevent a title reign from Seth.

And God, if someone had told him a year ago that he'd ever think that, he'd beaten the living crap out of them.

'Sure thing, I got it,' he says arrogantly. The truth is, he's so not ready to be champion. Everything has been happening so fast in the past month and he enjoys his time alone in the ring to prove what he can do, but at the same time he doesn't want to go from Tag Team Champion to WWE World Heavyweight Champion without working hard for it.

The whole deal; not just because he's daddy's newest child prodigy and won one ladder match.

It may sound stupid but he wants to be prepared for this journey. Wants to cash this damn contract in whenever _he_ thinks it's the right time. This is his life, his career and Triple H better stays out of his fucking business.

'Gonna cash it in when you give me the sign,' he repeats, just to convince himself and his patron of his cooperation. 'But first you need to let me get some sleep.' 'Don't be late tomorrow.' And with that he hangs up, finally being able to breathe again.

This night just keeps getting worse and worse, even though it has started out so good.

His mind is still reeling because he's supposed to snatch the titles off Cena after just one night of his reign and Roman getting a chance to win those belts if Seth keeps fucking up until Battleground, which makes him think of Dean (of course, it's always about Dean) and how his brother is the only one who can make sure that Roman gets that match.

So Dean it is.

After ripping off his black pants and putting on some boxer shorts and Dean's red shirt, he's ready to fall into bed and make one last phone call before he finally, _finally_ will get at least some three or fours hours of sleep.

But then he sees something out of the corner of his eye. There's a tiny folded piece of paper sticking out from under the door. He opens it curiously but the hall is completely deserted.

He picks the sheet up and unfolds it, overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions when he recognizes the handwriting. It's a bit messy and coltish, and there are just six words scribbled on it but those two sentences let him forget the horrible part of this night in no time.

_Great match. I'm proud of us._

_Us._

If he's about to cry some tears of joy, it's no one's business because that – all of it – just made his fucking day. Week. Hell, his life.

He runs to his window and pulls back the purple curtains, not really convinced he'll still find Dean out there but then his heart skips a beat when he sees his brother's receding form in the parking lot.

He doesn't even give himself some time to think about this, just grabs his old-school hotel key and dashes after Dean barefoot.


	15. getting tired of feeling so lonely

I promise, there will only be one more part with Seth (which I might have to split, I'm not sure yet - first I need to finish writing it XD) and then it'll be Dean or Roman again. Whoever inspires me the most next week on RAW or SD. I just wanted to do a part with Seth and the Authority. Also, this is a stupidly long chapter but I didn't want to divide it. (I couldn't find a good enough spot to do so.) Have fun anyway! Love you all!

* * *

'Dean,' he hisses as loud as he can, trying to get his brother's attention. Just seeing him walking down the street lets his heart beat violently in his chest; the organ trying with all its might to break free and run away.

It's stupid and wishful thinking, but the moment he thinks that Dean might not have heard Seth calling out to him but instead maybe the crazy rhythm taking place inside his ribcage, Dean turns around.

There's surprise written all over his face; he obviously hadn't thought Seth would catch up to him or even realize he'd been here before the morning.

'What are you doing here?' he asks in a hushed whisper, dragging Dean by the sleeve back to the hotel while looking around, scanning the area; if Dean has found him here, any member of the Authority could too. And if they see the two of them together, all hell's gonna break loose.

He never should have run after him, but seeing Dean in the parking lot, he just couldn't stay in his room, doing nothing but watching his brother walk away and out of his life again.

Grab the bull by the horns and all that.

'I think it's pretty clear what I was doing here,' Dean answers slowly, raising an eyebrow at him as if Seth is about to go insane right before his eyes. 'You okay?'

Seth breathes in deeply as soon as Dean is safely in his hotel room, still judging him with a confused look. Oh God. Dean is in his room, willingly (more or less). How the heck did he think that _that_'s an awesome idea? What should he do? Why did he even leave this safe haven to chase after him?

He really should start to think things concerning Dean through.

'How did you find me?' he evades the question, not really sure if he's fine or not. Having Dean here is the best part of the night so far, but it's also nerve-wrecking and stressing him out more than he needs to at four am in the morning.

Dean clears his throat and sags down on the small couch in front of the television, averting his gaze. 'I may or may not have followed you.' Holy shit. Seriously?

That's flattering and– wait. If Dean is able to easily stalk him without Seth noticing it, then anyone else can too. They're probably already here. His whole cover is about to crumble. He's going to die. Oh, he's so dead. He should leave, change his name, flee the country.

'Did anyone follow you? Did you see someone? Maybe Randy. I think he's starting to see through my plan to make him look stupid and incompetent,' he rambles, pacing the small room while already thinking about gathering all the money he has, before it hits him that he can't leave his brothers behind. Not right now. Not ever.

'Okay, calm down. Breathe with me, weirdo,' Dean chuckles lightly, standing up to place his hands on Seth's shoulders. 'You're safe. No one saw me. I was the only one following your every step,' his brother soothes him, a jovial smirk on his lips.

Seth mimics Dean drawing in breath through his nose until he's calmed down again. His heart is still beating rapidly but either Dean doesn't seem to get wind of it or he simply ignores it altogether. As soon as Seth nods, indicating he's as fine as he can be, Dean lets go to sit back down again, still watching his every move as if he expects Seth to handcuff him to the washbasin.

(Sadly, he doesn't have any cuffs.)

His fingers are shaking. Actually, his whole body feels like someone set it on fire, making it hard for him to even stand on his feet. Watching Dean sitting before him, smiling lightly and a bit lost in thoughts, he gets suddenly very aware of his clothes.

Dean is looking perfect as usual, leather jacket, blue jeans with holes at the knees, black tank top and a lot of bandages peeking out around his chest and left shoulder. And all Seth is wearing are suddenly too tight boxers and Dean's worn-out red shirt. And his glasses. Not that they would really help.

'So,' his brother says after a while, drawing the word as long as he can to play for time. 'How much of my stuff did you steal?' he asks while pointing at Seth's chest. He opens his mouth, a series of horrible sounds escaping it until he shuts it again, wincing at his own stupidity. Dean just breaks out in a laugh, obviously having fun tormenting Seth.

'I thought for the longest time I somehow lost all of it. You made me think I was the dumbest fucking person on earth.' It's not an accusation. Dean seems to be having way too much fun for it to be meant like one, so Seth relaxes a bit, is even able to smile hesitantly.

He doesn't dare sit next to Dean, doesn't trust himself enough to be able to control his desire to touch Dean, so he retreats back to the bed. 'I'm proud of us too,' he finally says, holding up the piece of paper Dean sneaked in earlier.

Dean nods and puts his feet on the wooden table, making himself at home for the time being. 'Working with you has always been easy,' he shares, making Seth wonder what kind of pain killer Dean had gotten earlier to be so forthcoming and nice right now. Whatever it was, Seth wants him to always take it.

'Speaking of that,' he starts, finally able to calm down enough to kick-start his brain again, because this – talking about wrestling – is so much easier than thinking about the sexual tension between them and how much he wants to skip the whole _pining over Dean_ part to finally reach the _we're together, so let's have some fun_ bit.

Dean looks up at him expectantly, the blue eyes totally focused and not at all glazed over by any kind of medication. Wait, he's lucid? This _is_ really happening, right? Because it feels like a dream; a gruesome joke of his imagination.

'Is this real?' Dean blinks several times, before he gets up and punches Seth brotherly on the arm. A sweet kind of pain rushes through his body. No, definitely reality. 'Work?' his friend reminds him again, this time sitting down on the bed next to him. 'Are you drunk?'

Dean whips his head around, staring at him irritated and bitter. 'What? _No_. For fuck's sake, Seth, just accept the rare gift you're given here.' 'Okay, good, fine,' he mumbles and gets on his knees, so he can put a tiny bit of space between him and Dean – who is smiling at him again as if nothing ever happened.

'Hunter just called me and complained about Cena being the new champ, telling me I have to cash in tomorrow, well today on Raw after a tag team match of John with Rome against Randy and Kane.' Dean nods, hanging on his lips as if he's preaching God's words or the tv program for Dean's day off.

It's making him a bit nervous and lets the urge to pounce Dean rise infinitely. Now that he thinks about it... he really likes his friend's mouth a lot. Whether he's talking trash or smirking down at him, it totally doesn't matter. Whatever comes out of it is always pure gold.

'Okay, Big Mac, hang on a second,' Dean demands and Seth rubs over his knees restlessly. He doesn't like it if he has to have a conversation he hasn't planned out even a tiny bit. Being unprepared is one of the worst feelings he knows because it leads to mistakes and fuck ups and Seth is a hopeless perfectionist.

But nothing is easy with Dean, nothing can be predicted and Seth should finally start to accept that he can't control anything in this relationship. No matter how much he wants to.

'Can you give me a match with Randy on Smackdown?' Dean looks at him, his eyes shining with confidence in Seth's abilities to twist the Authority around his little finger whenever he wants. It breaks his heart to see his brother so hopeful because there's always a fat chance he might disappoint him again.

'With your shoulder?' he tries to change the topic but Dean just shrugs out of his jacket and waves him off. 'Can you?' He doesn't ask why Dean wants this match so badly. Seth knows the reason for it – Roman – which doesn't make him feel any better.

It's their big brother's job to go after Orton and Hunter; he can take on everyone and he's the biggest thorn in Steph's flesh because the WWE universe loves him so much more than her own poster boys. And it's Dean's job to concentrate only on Seth.

This is what they've been doing since Dean joined FCW. They've been dancing around and clashing with each other for almost exactly three years now, and Seth doesn't want this huge part of his life to change one bit. There's no one out there who can challenge him like his brother does, no one who brings out the best and worst in him at the same time. Seth is so not ready to let go of this.

Dean must have read his mind, because he chuckles and scratches a spot beneath the bandage. 'Don't worry, puppet boy, I'm not gonna lose sight of _the prize_ ever again.' Seth huffs out a surprised laugh and sits back on his butt, drawing up his legs, so he can rest his chin on the knees while hugging them tightly. 'You still remember that?'

Dean wiggles his eyebrows. 'As if I could ever forget the day _you_ told _me_ to grow a pair. On Thursday, it's gonna be exactly two years and one month.' Wow. Talking about the memory of an elephant, huh? 'Well, you did heed my advice.'

Dean throws a pillow at his face and Seth doesn't even try to dodge it. Especially since his friend used his injured shoulder to do it. Instead, he takes the cushion and stuffs it between his legs and stomach. 'So, can you?' Dean won't give up until Seth promises to grant him this wish.

He's like a dog with its favorite chew toy in mouth, unwilling to let go of it, even though Seth told it he'd throw that damn thing, so it could chase after the toy to its little heart's desire.

'Yeah, sure,' he answers, already trying to come up with a believable reason to whisper this stupid idea into Hunter's ear. 'But tell Rome he should be ready to intervene, just in case,' he adds thoughtfully, knowing right now that Triple H will either send in Seth or Kane in to mess with Dean.

His brother tilts his head and makes himself even more at home by slipping out of his boots. Seth watches them fall down to the ground, each loud _thump_ ringing like an alarm bell in his head.

'In case daddy sends you in to help your inapt, impotent new step-brother?' Seth nods while trying desperately to ignore how much those words sting. Dean always makes it sound like Seth has found a new family and that would mean that he has lost his old one. The one he loves so dearly. The one he fights for every day.

He has to swallow hard because there's a huge lump in his throat and it's getting bigger and bigger with each try, suffocating him, shooting burning tears into his eyes.

_Don't show any weakness_, he scolds himself, but it's no use. Dean slapping him in the face with those words is the only thing that matters at the moment, and it hurts him more than he ever thought. He has dreamed about this so many times, has tried to steel himself for it, but the reality is so much more worse than anything his brain could ever come up with.

'Hey, ninja boy, don't freak out, it's okay. Don't forget to breathe. I'm here,' Dean whispers, barely loud enough for him to hear and crawls towards him, once again trying to calm him down. He's an emotional wreck tonight and it's embarrassing that Dean has to witness all of this.

He should have just let his brother go back to Roman and sleep a night over everything. But no, he had to be stupid and run after him.

'Sorry,' he presses out and it feels like all of his breath leaves his lungs, making him writhe in pain. He's never felt like this before and it's starting to freak him out. Dean doesn't even hesitate for a second, just hugs him tightly, rocking him gently back and forth while rubbing circles on his back.

'Don't be. I'm actually glad to see all of this is affecting you so badly. But you can let go of it now, cause you're on your merry way to your first panic attack and trust me, you don't want that.' There are so many things Seth wants to address but no sound escapes his mouth.

(Dean is happy to see him this worked up? What, did he really think the whole past month that Seth was dancing around in his room all night because he keeps on fucking over his business partners, coming up with new and especially gruesome ways to fool Dean into thinking he was still interested in him? He's a scheming genius but he'd never betray his family like this.

And what the hell does he mean when Dean says he's about to have an anxiety attack? One just doesn't get them out of the blue, right? But how would he know, he's never had one before. Dean is the specialist for them and when he tells him he's one step away from one, Seth believes him.)

'What should I do?' he gasps, helplessly clutching Dean's injured shoulder, only distantly realizing how much that must hurt his brother. But he doesn't hear even a single complaint, so he holds on and breathes in Dean's pretty unique scent until his heart stops tumbling around in his chest and his body is able to relax again.

He doesn't even care that he's about to melt to a puddle in Dean's arm. It's just that he's missed getting hugged by his brother and after four weeks it's almost like he finally found the secret entrance to heaven. He could spent the rest of his life like this.

Dean, though, has other plans.

'There are no guidelines for that. Everybody is different. Seems like I was enough to calm you down.' His friend scoots back to the other end of the bed, leaning his back against the remaining pillow and rubbing over his left shoulder.

'How do you survive that?' Seth asks after a while in a low voice, not sure if he should talk about this. But Dean doesn't get up to storm out of the room, doesn't even blink. He just looks at him with a hard gaze that's almost a glare and Seth has a lot of problems to not look away.

Dean is obviously searching for something in his eyes, so he tries to give him whatever his friend wants.

The moment his brother opens his mouth, he knows he's failed this task. There is not enough trust between them for Dean to share something about himself and his past once more. He refrains from sighing disappointedly (really, he's not even mad at Dean, just angry at himself that he's done all this damage to his family) and sits back down cross-legged instead.

There are more pressing matters Seth needs to talk about than their broken relationship. He (hopefully) still has the rest of their lives to make up for that. But the championship titles and Roman's big chance are _once in a lifetime_ things and Seth doesn't want to screw that up too.

'I'm looking at the new champion then,' Dean says, his voice swaying between pride and disdain. Seth can totally understand him. 'No, hopefully not,' he answers, making Dean wrinkle his brow in confusion, before he understands what Seth is implying.

'You want _me_to prevent your title reign? You sure about that?' He nods urgently, relief flooding his brain when Dean smiles devious and cracks his neck. 'You got it, Rollins. I'm free to do whatever I want to?'

Seth nods again, knowing full well that there's no way to put Dean on a leash anyway; not that he even wants to. 'Just be on time. You might only have a window of a few seconds,' he warns his brother, but Dean only waves his words off. 'When have I ever been late?'

Seth doesn't even want to, he just laughs out loud at that, letting go of all the tension stiffening his body. Dean smiles too, remembering very well the times when he showed up at the very last second to the shows, leaving Roman and him to wonder if he would come at all.

'But I've always been there when it really mattered,' Dean defends himself half-heartedly, fiddling with a loose thread of his jeans. 'Hey, just make sure Cena stays the champion.' Dean suddenly looks up at him, scrutinizing Seth again with those stormy blue eyes. That he's not running into the bathroom to hide from this is a minor miracle.

'Why?' his brother wants to know and Seth is taken aback by that question for a second. 'Why what?' Dean half-smirks, sliding deeper down the bed until he's lying on his back, left shoulder not touching anything because of the pillow stuffed under his body.

'Why do you want John to be our champion? You're way better than him and it's his fifteenth reign. Like, come on, he's not _that_ good, right?' Seth knows he must look like a fish right now, opening and closing his mouth multiple times because he wants to say something, just doesn't know what he could possibly answer to that.

Dean has so much faith in his abilities, not only his manipulating ones. It makes him want to tear up and hug Dean for the rest of the night. But then he remembers their big brother. 'Because of Rome. Hunter told me that at Battleground he'll be in a Fatal 4-Way with Cena, Orton and Kane.'

There's a moment of silence with Seth watching Dean like a hawk and his brother licking his lips lost in thoughts. 'Doesn't make sense to put him in there,' Dean finally reveals with a dark voice, confusion making his words harsh.

Seth just wants to ask what he means, when his brain makes the leap itself. It's actually true. Roman being in that match is weird and something Seth should investigate in the next few days. Hunter has declared Roman to the number one enemy because of various reasons. (Seth making him drug Stephanie is sadly one of them.)

There are two possible reasons as to why Triple H is doing this. Number one: He' doing this to taunt the WWE universe as well as Roman, trying to prove that his brother can't win these matches without Dean by his side; that he doesn't have what it takes.

And number two: He wants to humiliate Roman by giving him title chance after title chance without ever letting him win that damn thing. And that will most likely include Seth and/or Kane as plan B. Maybe Hunter will concentrate his efforts on Dean until Battleground, threatening Roman to throw him out of the title match if he ever interferes in Dean's matches to help his brother.

And there's also Seth and his Money in the Bank briefcase, if everything else fails.

Which would turn Seth only into the ace up his sleeve. Hm, maybe he has overrated his own importance in the Authority. Seems like he needs to re-evaluate everything he's planned out so far.

Dean sighs, rubbing over his eyes lazily, reminding Seth of how fucking late it already is. He's not tired anymore – not with Dean so close – but he can see it in his brother's face that he's barely holding on; fighting against falling asleep in Seth's bed.

Before he can say anything along the lines of _I can drive you to Rome_ or _You can sleep in the bed, I'm gonna take the sofa_ Dean speaks up again while trying to get comfortable with his injured shoulder. Is he really lying down to spend the night here? With him. Just like that.

Okay, seriously, what is Dean on and why does it freak him out so much that they're together in the same room? It's not like he's sixteen again, unable to keep his hormones in check as soon as he's with his high school crush. He's twenty-eight for God's sake and this is not the first time he's ever been in love.

(But it's the first time he's fallen for a Dean Ambrose. The first time he's fucked up a relationship before it even had the chance to bloom. The first time he's trying to get something back he hasn't even got a good enough taste of. Things with Dean are weird, complicated and frustrating as hell. Yet it's all he wants. All he needs. Obviously, he's as twisted and bizarre as Dean.)

'Who are you going to fight?' Dean interrupts his thoughts and points to the free space next to him, urging Seth to use his own bed for once like he's supposed to. He follows the silent order very reluctantly, always paying close attention to what his body does.

He doesn't need a surprise boner to show Dean how desperate he is. And he doesn't want to get punched again. He still remembers the last time very vividly. And his next answer might lead to that anyway. 'You.'

Dean turns his head towards him and now that he's almost up-close he can see the shadows under Dean's bloodshot eyes and how pale his friend is. How in the hell had he missed that before? Dean actually looks like he's about to pass out or die on him.

Yet he doesn't move, doesn't offer a glass of water or a ride back to his own hotel because the tension in the room just rose to the highest possible level. Seth is sure that if he'd reach out, he could touch it. Dean seems neither angry nor happy that he'll end up with Seth in the ring. There's not a single muscle in his face moving.

'How long do you know that already?' he eventually asks, wary and oh-so-tired. Seth hesitates for a split second, wondering if the should lie but decides to tell the truth. There are already enough dishonesties cracking their fragile brotherhood, he doesn't want to make things even worse. 'A week or so.'

Dean nods slowly while taking off his jeans and pulling up the sheets to cover himself up until the waist. Seth watches with mortification (and a teeny tiny bit of arousal) how his brother gets ready for bed. His bed. With him in it. There should be a voice in his head screaming _abort mission_ but he can't hear a damn thing. Other than Dean saying, 'When did you want to tell me?'

He makes it sound like Seth would never have told him about this match – which might be true. Kinda. There is so much he has to think about, so much to consider and plan ahead and re-do. It just slipped his mind every time he was talking to Dean.

He's getting a bit evasive, hiding behind his legs again, drawing the rest of the covers up to his chest. 'I was working on it. I can't take care of everything at the same time,' he tries to defend himself, almost able to feel his guard coming up again.

But Dean just huffs out a tired laugh and moves his bad shoulder to clap Seth on the arm, separating his vice-like grip on his own legs so he can lie down too. 'Just chill, I'm all in,' he snickers, tapping on his chest to get his attention. As soon as he has it, Dean points with his finger to the lamp, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

He's supposed to turn off the lights. He's what?

Oh God. He has never wanted to be able to vanish into thin air this badly.

Dean doesn't seem to catch up on to his inner turmoil, or he still just pointedly ignores it. Seth wishes he could also be this laid back. Now he knows why Roman always had to be there. Not to hold Dean's hand, no, to hold his own.

He's about to freak out over a sleepover, for Christ's sake. So much for being all grown up.

Dean just yawns and reaches over Seth when he doesn't move, turning the light off himself. Even though Dean's chest barely touched his, it's enough to let his whole body turn into stone, making it impossible for him to even move a finger.

His brother is as unperturbed as ever, his _I don't give a fuck_ attitude helping him to overlook Seth's weird behavior. 'You know I was just waiting to get a chance to fight you one-on-one.' He's a bit sad that he can't see Dean's face anymore because his voice tells Seth absolutely nothing at all. It's as if every emotion got sucked out of his friend, leaving Seth completely clueless as to how to properly react.

He must admit, Dean is pretty good at this. Making him squirm and driving him nuts with every word or action, taunting him, arousing him. And he probably doesn't even try very hard right now. It's all natural for Dean to pick on his baby brother.

'Yeah, but it's likely that that'll be our last match,' Seth finally whispers into the dark night, the closed curtains blocking out any moonlight. He can feel the bed dip, the movement indicating that Dean is moving. There's some hissing and muffled cursing and Seth even gets hit by a flying hand. He's not asking what Dean is up to, afraid that the answer might be what he fears it is: Dean is taking off his tank top.

Which means he's now lying beside Seth, clad only in boxer shorts. God is truly testing him tonight and Seth isn't sure he even wants to pass. Pass out maybe, but he has no such luck.

'Doesn't mean we have to part ways, you goof,' Dean moans, sending pleasant shivers down Seth's spine. His whole body starts to tingle, as if it's just waking up again, called back to attention by Dean's voice.

He forces himself to think of a way to come up with something – anything – to say to that because he fears that after Battleground Dean _will_ lose sight of him again. He can only convince Hunter for an estimated time that it's best if Seth keeps Dean close. And if his brother beats him at the Pay Per View, he'll have to come up with a good reason to explain why he should stay with them.

Dean will move on, Roman will move on and Seth will be the one standing awkwardly in the shadows, watching his brothers hug each other while walking away. He's catapulted himself out of their life and no matter how hard he tries, he'll always be the third wheel.

His lips are moving but there's nothing he could possibly say that would make any of this better. Even though Dean is within his reach right now, he couldn't be further away. Things will never be the same again, and Seth only has himself to blame.

'You know that, right?' Dean wants to know after the silence got uncomfortable and Seth can feel his brother reaching out to him, grabbing him by the wrist to give him some kind of anchor; sensing very correctly that Seth is drowning in doubts and self-hatred, trying to help him find a way out of it again.

'I'm still here. So is Ro. We're not leaving you.' No, they will. He's not worth their time and effort to keep him around. He's hurt them, made them mistrust each other, has played with their feelings. As soon as this feud is over, Dean and Roman will turn their backs on him, because he deserves that.

Their ways will lead them away from him and the worst thing is that they can always go back to The Shield, while he – the one who cracked it by betraying them – will get left out no matter how hard he fights and trashes and tries to claw his way back in.

He has no right to be in this brotherhood anymore.

'Hey, listen to me,' Dean says urgently, hugging him close to his chest out of nowhere. He once again tries to calm himself down with Dean's scent because this is not him. He's not some overly emotional, nerve-wrecked mess that is unable to even form one coherent thought.

He's not the one Dean should be worried about. (It's supposed to be the other way round.)

'You've fucked up and no one of us could ever forget that. But you're trying and you're now part of the Authority, acting as our little spy. I get it and so does Ro. And as soon as we get what we want – all of your asses – we're gonna move on. But that does not mean that we will leave behind our little brother. When all of this is over, whenever that will be, you'll come back home. Understood?'

_Home_.

Dean is offering him the one thing he's wanted since he closed the door behind him four weeks ago. And it's not some trick, not something he said just to allay his worries. He means every word he's just whispered into Seth's ear.

It's been a long night and Seth has gone through so many emotions in the past eight hours – it's like his feelings are stuck on a roller coaster – that he's simply too tired to fight against them anymore.

'Hey, hey,' Dean soothes him as soon as tears land on his naked shoulder, once again rubbing Seth's back in perfect little circles. 'I'm sorry,' Seth sobs, desperately trying to regain some control over his body and mind, but it is to no avail.

'This is all too much for me and I'm so fucking lonely all the time and it's really hard to keep up this stupid act and–' he rambles on whenever he has enough breath to do so. Dean lets him pour his heart out without interrupting him once. Just stays by his side and hold him close.

How on earth does he deserve this perfectly imperfect human being as his chosen one?

Dean should be punching him again, should spit on him and yell how worthless he is, how he broke their hearts and therefore should never be allowed near them again.

'I'm so alone, Dean. I stand alone and everyone hates me. I get threatened, people are actually wishing for me to die. I'm not a hero, I never claimed to be one. But I'm not the bad guy either. I'm not made of stone, I have no shield to protect me from all of this. I sometimes don't even know what's right or wrong anymore.

'I... it's like I'm walking the fine line between the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell every god damn day of my life. I know it's my fault, I'm the only one to blame but I don't deserve all that hatred. I fucked up, I'm more than aware of that. I should never have left you just because I was too afraid of what we could be. Cause I was too intimidated by your affection.'

He's breathing hard when his mouth finally closes again, tears are still running down his cheeks but he feels a lot better now. The heavy burden weighing down his heart has been lifted by letting it all out just once. He's never talked with anyone about this before, didn't think he was in any position to complain, but Dean's presence helps him believe that maybe he can have a moment of weakness too, without being judged for it.

His brother sighs, massaging Seth's bruised lower back with his right hand as if he was born to do it. 'I know we give you a lot of shit, on top of everyone else, but Ro and I are entitled to it. Don't ya think?' Of course he does. And he's not saying that his family should change this – he wouldn't trust them if they'd forgive him just like that anyway.

No, the ones hurting him the most are the fans that stood by his side during the beginning of The Shield when they'd been Paul Heyman guys of some sorts and continued to support him when they'd started to fight against the Authority. Those so-called fans that dropped him as soon as he turned his back on his brothers. They didn't even try to understand him.

Okay, they don't know the real reason for it, but can't they understand that him trying to make a name for himself is also something everyone in this business wants? Why are they so hell-bent on making his life a living hell? He didn't betray _them_, for heaven's sake.

But he's a hundred percent sure that he will only be in the good graces of the fans again when Dean and Roman forgive him publicly. Whenever that will be. If it'll ever happen. Only God knows how well his master plan will work out in the future.

There's a long and lonely life ahead of him. He can't believe he's been so stupid to let everything he's worked for so hard for years slip through his fingers.

'That doesn't mean that we hate you. Family is never easy, but in the end it's all you have. There will come a day when we'll be together again. You, Ro and me. And until then you'll have to move on. Baby steps, bother. Baby steps all the way.'

As long as they're moving forward, he'll be able to deal with this. It's a promise of some sorts and Seth surely won't get tired to remind Dean of his words whenever things get tough from now on.

Neither of them says anything after that. Seth just concentrates on not freaking out again while Dean's body gets heavier with each passing minute. As if he's starting to lean on him because his own weight is too much to bear. His movements are getting sluggish too, the circles he still rubs on his back are weirdly out of shape. It says a lot that Dean is willing to lean on a man who he knows is falling.

'Are you dozing off on my shoulder?' Dean's hand jerks a bit, as if Seth had jolted him awake again. 'No,' he answers, voice low and rough, telling Seth that he's lying in his face right now. He chuckles, hugging Dean close to him; not yet sure if he'd like to fall asleep like this or take things to a different level.

'Is there any chance this is gonna end in some TLC?' he asks hopefully, rubbing his nose over Dean's neck, smiling when the dirty blond hair tickles his face. Some tender loving care is exactly what he needs right now. He doesn't just want to take it from Dean, doesn't want to have a go at it without his brother's consent.

He's done that in the past, but after thinking very thoroughly about it, he decided on not repeating it. Dean might have never said no to him, but that doesn't mean that he's enjoyed Seth practically attacking him. Stealing kisses might not seem like a big deal but making out definitely is one. Seth wants to do it right from the get-go. He probably also can't afford to make another big mistake.

Dean chuckles and pats him lightly on the arm, indicating that he wants Seth to let go of him. He's reluctant to comply but separates their bodies when his brother gently tries to push him away with a hand placed on his chest. For a moment Seth fears he's fucked it up already, heart starting to go crazy again, when Dean says kinda unemotionally, 'If you want me to hit you with a chair once more, you'll have to wait until I'm awake again.'

'Dean,' he instantly groans, letting himself falling backwards into the soft mattress. 'That's not what I meant.' The laughter answering him is enough to show him that Dean knows exactly what Seth is up to. But it wouldn't be Dean if he'd make it easy for him.

'You wanna go at it _now_?' He doesn't sound surprised or exasperated, but there's also no hint of anticipation to be found in his voice. Seth smiles anyway, inching closer and closer with each passing second, only realizing Dean can't see it in the darkness when he bumps against the other's injured shoulder without a word being said.

'Oh shit, sorry,' he apologizes, briefly thinking about switching positions, so he won't collide with that obstacle every time he tries to touch Dean. But that's probably exactly what his brother had had in mind when he chose that side of the bed earlier. Smart move. Not that it will stop Seth, but this round goes to Dean.

It's really hard to touch Dean without leaning on the bruised arm but Seth is doing his best to squeeze himself between the injured limb and Dean's hips. In the end, his brother just sighs fondly and lifts his arm with a small hiss, so Seth can scoot closer to hug his waist and lay his head directly over Dean's heart.

It's beating normally (god damn) until Seth asks in a husky voice, 'Would you let me?' He has to smile when the steady beat stutters and Dean goes a bit stiff under him. Oh, he so can't deny anymore that he hasn't though about this many, many times. But the moment of weakness passes quicker than Seth wants and Dean is back to being his old self.

There's a hand trying to push his face away playfully, the simple gesture answer enough, but of course Dean has to up the ante. 'That's not only a _no_ but a _hell no_.' It's all good fun until his brother gets serious again (Seth can feel it by the way his muscles flex), telling him the reason why he's not yet ready to let Seth either in his heart or his pants.

'You broke us, Seth. We gave you everything and you carelessly threw it all away. For a while there, you left us dead inside. It's gonna take some time to trust you again.' That just now was the first time Dean has called him by his name tonight. He's missed those four letters coming out of Dean's mouth, but it doesn't make him feel better.

The hand on his face disappears after Dean has gently clapped him on the cheek, leaving Seth feeling horribly empty and like he's an intruder right now; invading Dean's sacred personal space.

He really has to stop thinking that he doesn't deserve all of this. He might have screwed it up the first time around, but if Dean is willing to give him another chance, why is he not accepting this gift (like Dean said) the only way he should? Where is his will to fight now?

'But you promised that there could be some spontaneous make-out,' he whispers, sounding like the petulant child he is, eliciting a brotherly laugh from Dean. 'You're insufferable, you know that?' he shoots back, tone light and teasing and Seth can finally relax for the first time since he saw Dean in the parking lot.

This is familiar ground. He's used to bickering – misses it every second of his new life (there are only snarky remarks and sneers happening in the Authority) –, can work with that better than with the cold and distanced, disapproving rejection his brothers throw at him for four weeks already.

This right now is _home_.

And it feels so good that Seth runs wild with it, just enjoys the constant push and pull happening between him and Dean. He doesn't even think about it when he jabs a finger in Dean's stomach and breathes out a happy, 'Oh, come on, you totally love me.'

He knows he's screwed it up when Dean goes completely still, like he just turned into stone, not even breathing anymore. The only sign of life is his heartbeat, going crazy beneath Seth's cheek. But he knows instantly that it's not the good kind.

There's a horrible saturninity engulfing both of them and Seth's brain screams at him how he can be so stupid and ruin a perfectly awesome moment. He just had to, right? Because he can never have nice things. No, he needs to fuck it up for himself, so he can wallow in self-pity.

_Fucking apologize_, he thinks over and over again, too afraid to open his mouth and shatter this embarrassing yet still surprisingly friendly silence. The first sound escaping his mouth makes him wince – it's a mixture between a squeak and a cough –, Dean under him slowly relaxing again.

That his brother is still here and he's not gotten punched yet, gives him enough courage to try it again. 'Sorry, that was inappropriate.' Dean scoffs, breathing in deeply through his nose and using his bad arm to pat Seth on the hair. 'No, I mean yeah,' he answers slowly, adding something that brings disaster to Seth. 'But I did. I guess you should know.'

All these years he could only speculate if Dean really truly had it bad for him. He always knew that he cherished him and Rome as brothers but that was not what Seth had wanted. But since Dean never reciprocated any of his kisses, never said anything about how he felt, Seth just hoped that he was as affected by him than Seth was by Dean.

Even after the Royal Rumble, when Dean tried to approach Seth more directly, when he initiated more little touches that could mean anything and nothing at all and Seth could see how his brother got a bit nervous whenever he was around, he could never tell for sure.

A little crush, yeah, that was undeniable. True love? Unlikely.

And the moment he thought about Dean loving him with all his heart, he had panicked. Dean doesn't open up his heart easily, and Seth was supposed to be the special one? The one he wants to share everything with.

He never once doubted his own feelings for Dean, but he had to ask himself if he was ready to be the one person in Dean's life that would forever make the difference. The one Dean lets in on his own. It was too much responsibility for Seth.

And so he fled. First in March during that match, then for real in June, getting tangled up in the webs of the Authority.

So much for being the smart one.

'You loved me?' he whispers, half in awe, half terribly sad because Dean said this in the past tense. He knows what it means if people talk about their feelings in that manner. It means everything has changed.

His whole chest constricts when Dean says very casually, 'Yup.' Like he doesn't even want to change that anymore. Dean has talked about how they are a family. What if Seth's betrayal has turned his feelings around too? What if Dean has realized that it's too much trouble loving Seth like this? Having him as his baby brother might just be enough for him now.

'But not anymore,' Seth tries to ask, voice breaking at the end, making it sound more like a plea than a real question. 'Seth,' Dean sighs, obviously pretty fed up with his whining. It's a miracle he hasn't pushed Seth away yet. Probably because it would hurt his shoulder even more.

'Sorry.' 'Stop apologizing,' Dean chides him immediately, sick and tired of Seth backing down this easily. He doesn't recognize himself anymore either. The person he is in the ring couldn't be more different than the one lying in this bed right now. All because he fears he's not good enough for Dean. Never was and never will be.

'I'm working on it, okay? Like I said, this needs time. A lot of it.' He doesn't expect anything else. Knowing that little bit about Dean's past, he's sure that trust issues isn't even his brother's biggest problem with him right now.

'Okay,' he murmurs, glad that Dean lets him still hug him, even though his words convey a completely different message.

Time is ticking by agonizingly slow and too fast at the same time. Seth can already make out the first rays of sunshine lightening up the room bit by bit when Dean – who he had assumed to be sleeping the whole time – whispers kind of hurriedly, as if he's one word away from taking them all back, 'You get one kiss.'

Seth lifts his head, trying to get a good look into Dean's eyes but it's still not bright enough to make anything out beneath the shadows the other's hair casts over his face. But in the end, it doesn't matter, right? Dean is giving him a chance to atone for his sins; trying to meet him somewhere half-way.

'Like, _right now_ or is this more like an _I'm gonna give you a coupon for one kiss. Come and get it whenever you want to_ offer?' He really wants to know. Because if this is a once in a lifetime thing, he'll damn sure won't waste that one kiss right now. He'll take that in the most bittersweet moment to always be able to remember it.

Judging by the sound he's making, Dean just rolls his eyes at him. He feels two fingers lift up his chin, tugging him towards his brother's face. Oh. So, right now it is. He probably shouldn't be grinning like an idiot and better concentrate on savoring every second.

'Why do you always need to complicate everything so much? Fucking kiss me already.'

Two days later, he's in the middle of his beloved work out (it's the only time he can be himself in public and just shut off his brain), when his phone lights up, telling him he's got a message. He finishes his exercise before he decides it's okay to catch a small break.

_what did you do to dean_

Seth stares at his phone for a while, debating internally if he should tell Roman about jerking Dean off. In the end he settles for a very true: _Nothing! Why?_

It's not like Dean hasn't given him the permission to do it after Money in the Bank. Seth isn't guilty of doing anything without his brother's consent. Besides, he can't be blamed for everything that's happening.

_he's acting weird since mitb_

Shit. A simple handjob can't change much, right? Dean was totally okay with it, as far as Seth can tell. Okay, he hasn't seen or heard anything from him since Monday, but the fact that Dean had interfered in his cash in the way they had agreed to was evidence enough for him to believe everything's alright between them.

Even if Seth had to beg a lot until he could get his hands on Dean.

_Weird how? It's Dean._

His brother has to be a bit more specific – especially if he thinks it's Seth's fault. Dean acting weird is nothing new.

He thinks it's best to hide in the bathroom for now. Even if no one is interested in him anymore (not since the people in here have recognized him and wanted to take some pictures), it's still better than to risk someone looking over his shoulder seeing him talking to Rome.

Maybe he should change their names. But he has already bought a new phone explicitly for the Authority, so he can keep all of his memories (old pictures and messages) forever.

_his mood swings are totally out of control  
it's like dr jekyll and mr hyde  
even jimmy and jey said he's acting strange_

As if that is any indication. Jimmy and Jey are adorable oddballs too. But it's worrisome that Dean suffers from these drastic mood swings. Not that it's ever been easy to keep up with them, but if Roman says it's not normal anymore than something must really be up.

It's times like these when Seth really hates himself for letting everything spin out of control this badly. He sighs, fingers trembling when he writes Roman the truth about Monday.

_I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear this, but there might have happened a handjob after MITB._

It doesn't take long for Roman to answer and Seth can hear the critical sigh even from a hundred miles away.

_you two... was he overly ecstatic_

Well, he didn't do a backflip out of pure joy when he came, but Dean had seemed really relaxed and happy-go-lucky afterwards.

_I guess so. He fell asleep almost directly after it and he was already gone when I woke up._

He's still a bit miffed that Dean just left him like some cheap hooker, but he had just assumed that his brother needed some time to sort out everything that had happened before he concentrated on his task on Raw.

_i'm worried_

Seth smiles sadly. Roman is constantly concerned about his brothers, especially Dean. There is a lot to be unsettled by, but Seth is sure that Dean will come around – given enough time. Knowing now that a simple handjob could throw him off the track to such an extend, he'll take things a bit slower in the future.

After all, Seth wants to do this in Dean's (horribly slow) pace.

_I'm sure it's nothing._

His words fall on deaf ears. A minute later he's staring at Roman's words, unable to connect them with the chilled out Dean he saw two nights prior.

_no, he's beating himself up and i'm seriously worried_

Literally or figuratively? Why is Roman never talkative in his texts? But more importantly, what is his brother expecting from him now?

_I get it, but what am I supposed to do about it?_

He can't go to Dean and just ask him in his face if he's been acting weird lately. Or if it has anything to do with Monday morning. Mostly because he won't see Dean before Smackdown and it'd be a bit strange if he'd walk into the locker room to talk about jerking his brother off in front of everyone.

What has his life even come to?

_dunno. just keep an eye on him too  
should anything change for the worse, we'll have to do something_

Roman doesn't write another text, adding the words _This is all your fault_, but Seth knows they're both thinking it.


	16. i am not prepared to be strong

Okay, this last part with Seth will probably end up being split in three chapters because the whole conversation with Dean and Roman got too long. Again, thanks to everyone who reads this and leaves a comment. It really means a lot to me!

* * *

Seth is standing in front of this stupid door for like ten minutes already, nowhere near ready to ring the bell. He knows it's rude to be late, but he seriously doesn't want to be here. Family dinner, they have called it. More like a meeting of the Authority and their obedient little pets with hopefully some decent food to grab.

At least he hopes it's not an overly formal thing because then he'd be totally under-dressed. Today, he didn't exactly feel like himself or like putting on a show, so he chose some comfortable stuff that could act as his little shield.

He's wearing some black baggy pants, sneakers in the same color and Dean's old, a bit worn out Cesaro shirt. He can't even remember how many times they've shared it over the course of time. (In the end, Seth had stolen it like everything else.)

All he did to make himself look better was to bleach his hair again, adding some tiny stray strands into the usual patch, so he can vary his style a bit.

Standing in front of the McMahon-Helmsley mansion won't get him anywhere though, so he raises his arm to fucking finally ring that damn bell when his phone chimes, saving him in the very last second. It's his old one – and how thoughtless was it from him to bring it with him, into the lion's den? –, so it's no surprise that Dean's name pops up.

At least he changed the ring tone to something inconspicuous.

His brother doesn't even give him a chance to say anything as soon as he accepts the call, just bursts out really loud, 'Have you talked to big daddy Hunter yet?' As if he wants Seth to get into trouble because of him. Thank God that he's still standing in front of the house, instead of being inside, surrounded by Kane, Randy, Steph and Trips who would undoubtedly listen to every word being spoken.

'Dean,' he hisses hurriedly, walking a few steps away from any doors and windows. Just in case. He's probably a paranoid nutcase by the time all of this is over. 'I thought I told you not to call me when I'm with the Authority.' And he remembers that clearly, urging Dean very adamantly to either only text him or wait until Seth gets in touch with him.

He can hear Roman chuckle in the back – Dean must have put the call on speaker. Or he just grimaced and their brother saw it, knowing instantly what's going on. Oh, how he wishes the three of them could go to some pizza place tonight, where he could forget all the things concerning him.

'Aw, come on, it's not funny if I can't make you sweat,' Dean teases him but Seth is not in the mood for that right now. He wants this phone call to be over as quickly as possible. He can't afford to lose any more time. Someone will come out to look for him sooner or later.

Or they'll call him and, in the worst case, will hear his cell go off right in front of their house. And he can't drive away anymore because some jerk parked his car in the worst possible way while Seth tried to work up enough courage and arrogance to survive an evening at the McMahon-Helmsley house.

He really doesn't have any intention of playing Dean's game, yet his mouth does what it's used to. 'You already did that Monday morning, remember?' As if any of them needs the reminder of what happened. Obviously his little handjob had been either so good that he had cracked Dean's emotions completely or so bad that he'd thrown him into a manic depression.

Both isn't exactly something he can be proud of.

But Dean seems to be in a very good mood – probably thanks to Roman being there with him – because he answers in some kind of sing-song, 'Nope. No clue what you're talking about.' He so doesn't have time for this little game of whatever. Except, he wants to have it, so he walks back to his car and sits on the hood, watching the driveway of the mansion very closely.

'You're a horrible liar.' 'I'm a spectacular liar,' his brother shoots back immediately, Roman laughing fondly somewhere behind him. He misses his family.

Why do they constantly have to show him what he's missing out on? It's already too much for him that they're helping each other out in the ring again, doing their little touching to make him jealous and the fist thing to show him what he willingly gave up. And judging Roman's in-ring behavior, Seth is long overdue for a spear too.

'Then you're horrible at denying things,' he says eventually, kicking around a small stone with his shoe. 'Shut up, I'm awesome.' Yeah, no denying that. His heart stops for a moment when he thinks a curtain in one of the windows had been drawn back a bit, revealing him sitting on his car in the driveway, talking on the phone when he should be in there with them for nearly twenty minutes now.

But nothing happens. It was probably only his mind playing tricks on him.

'No, _you_ are going to get me killed.' Dean scoffs. 'Only if they realize you're talking to _me_.' Which might not be a problem at all, since he obviously is not able to end this call. It's just... this right now feels like the home Dean has promised him. And Seth likes to absorb every little moment of that whenever he gets it, so he can live off of them when he's all alone.

Wait a second. Dean is way too quiet after saying something like this. He's not– he can't be. _No_. 'Oh, don't even think about it. I swear to God, if you–' he starts to threaten his brother when someone taps him on the shoulder, scaring him to death.

'Hey, Randy. How's it goin'?' he practically screams into the phone, desperately hoping that Dean won't ruin this for him by yelling back something compromising. Knowing his brother better than anyone, his chances are fifty-fifty. Randy smiles at him hollowly while nodding towards the door, indicating that they should get inside.

Seth doesn't even care that he isn't the last one to show up tonight – or that he definitely is underdressed; even Randy knew better than to wear casual street clothes (or the stuff of the love of his life) –, all he can concentrate on is Dean's husky voice, whispering gleefully into his ear.

'Oh, Seth. _Seth_. He's there with you, isn't he? And I'm here on the phone. Me, your dirty little secret. I could just hang up. You could hang up. But you won't because you think I'll get mad again and you don't want me mad. And I won't because I'm having the time of my life.'

It's not necessary to mention that this little speech lets a pleasant shiver run down Seth's spine, making him smile without wanting to.

There's a tiny pause in which he points to the phone and then to the door, so that Randy will just leave and tell the others that Seth is still kind of busy right now. And then he can feel his heart sink when Dean speaks up again, voice now chipper and excited. 'Ro, come here and help me.'

They're really trying to get him killed. Randy is still standing right next to him – like seriously, is privacy a foreign concept to him? (_Oh_, so that's what Roman's always complaining about) – watching his every move like the snake he's supposed to be, ready to devour its prey.

He doesn't like being monitored like this. Especially because he starts sweating, the whole situation way too dangerous for his liking. (But he still doesn't end the call, doesn't even think of it; a part of him enjoying the thrill.)

'With what?' he can hear Roman step closer while Randy automatically does the same, as if he is fully intending to listen in on this conversation. Seth pushes himself off the hood and retreats back a bit, holding up a hand and smiling cockily. He can't let his guard slip now, no matter how happily Dean replies, 'Getting Seth into trouble.'

'Count me in.' Yeah, great. Isn't Roman supposed to be the grown up one? 'Guys,' he hisses, voice as low as possible, so Randy won't hear, before looking the other straight into the face and rolling his eyes for good measure. 'It's my dad. Some family crisis, I'll be there in a sec. Tell them I'm terribly sorry and that they can start dinner without me.'

Randy doesn't move an inch, proving to Seth that he might have indeed underestimated the intelligence of The Viper. Not by far, he's sure of that, but maybe there's more to him than meets the eye.

'We should do some dirty talk.' Now? Really? He couldn't do that the past three years (well, not outside a ring) but the moment Seth's head is trapped in a guillotine, he can start with it? 'Count me out then.' At least Roman knows what's the right thing to do.

He raises his eyebrows at Randy, getting a bit impatient with the other's persistence. He's acting like a watch dog, ready to bite his ankle as soon as Seth dares to move. 'You're no fun, Ro,' Dean moans on the other end of the line and Roman's faraway answer tells him that his brother has already walked away from Dean. 'I just don't want to talk about you sucking that kid off.'

Jesus! It takes all of his willpower to not even blink at that. But he's sure he's blushing a bit, which is not the wisest move when someone of the Authority is staring him down. 'What, you wanna do it yourself?' If he will survive this night, he'll drive all the way to their hotel to smother them in their sleep.

What is wrong with his family today? Is this their special kind of torture and revenge? It sucks dick. On any other day it'd be funny – maybe – but not right now. And definitely not when he's on the wrong side of the phone call. 'I'd rather let you gouge my eyes out,' Roman laughs back, making Dean snicker too.

Okay, now they're just being mean. He's not _that_ bad. 'Hey!' he protests automatically, which only makes his brothers laugh even more and louder at him. Yeah, of course, all jokes are on him tonight. Very funny. Can they now go back to being adults again?

'Everything alright?' Randy butts into his conversation unwanted, making Seth almost snarl at him. He doesn't, but it's a very close call. 'Yeah, I think so. He tends to say a lot of meaningless stuff in between the important one.' Which is not even a lie right now. Oh, he's good.

Dean seems to think so too. 'I do,' he practically pipes into the speaker. 'I've also been thinking about tearing that black suit of yours into tiny little pieces, making you squirm beneath me. Maybe I'll leave the tie on, but other than that you'll not get to wear anything.'

There's a smile tugging at his lips, while he tries not to let his eyes flutter shut to imagine all of this in peace. He does grin in the end, but it's a cruel and unforgiving one, sending Randy finally on his way to the door and out of earshot.

He breathes in relieved, ecstatic to be finally left alone with a way too exhilarated Dean and a frustrated Roman in the back. 'But you can consider yourself lucky if I let you wear that damn tie around your freaky long neck. Who knows? Maybe I'll wrap it around another freakishly long part of yours as a special gift for mys–'

He's one second away from climbing awkwardly into his car and just ramming that stupid Porsche blocking him until he's free, so he can take care of some unfinished business. Throttling Dean will be on the top of his To Do List. Directly after jacking off.

'God fucking dammit, Dean!' Roman shouts, voice stuck between mortification and amusement. 'I can still hear you and I don't want to have _that_ image stuck in my head for the rest of my li– oh for the love of– it's already there. Thank you very much.'

There's a whack, followed by a, 'Ow. What the hell was that for?' So Roman really just smacked Dean for making him go through all this. Seth has never loved his brother more than in this moment. 'For making me think about the two of you fucking.'

He decides to remain silent, too engrossed by their conversation and also not really able to let go of his own mental image. He will be forever grateful that he decided against wearing some skinny jeans tonight. Especially when he listens to Dean's next statement. '_I_ never punch _you_ when I think of it.'

'Wait, what?' he tries to intervene, rubbing over his ear as if he can't believe what he's just heard. First they're moving in slow motion and now Dean is practically racing towards the finish line that promises a passionate relationship?

(Sometimes, especially lately, Seth can't stop himself from wondering if Dean might be on something again. It makes him feel horrible for doubting his friend, but just the thought of losing his brother to a drug or because of one – he'd surely get fired or sent away to rehab, if he's lucky – is too much to bear.)

'Yeah, because I'd be a bloody pulp by now if you did,' Roman answers and there's some serious pouting going on. Seth supposes that as long as Rome doesn't freak out over Dean's current situation and even jokes with their brother as if nothing ever happened, then everything is still at least halfway okay.

As soon as he gets rid of those alarming thoughts, his brain catches up to what his brothers have just said. 'H-hold on,' he stutters, trying to digest all of the information at once. But it seems like they don't even pay attention to him anymore, completely lost in their own little bickering and bantering.

'I'm not thinking about doing the _dirty deeds_ with Seth all day and night,' Dean defends himself, his words making Seth weak in the knees. 'Jesus,' he breathes while opening his car door to sit down before his legs give out.

They just had to do this to him tonight. Seth has the worst brothers ever. He loves them so freaking much.

'I can't with you two! One day it's _oh my God, rip all my clothes off me and take me right here on the announce table; get your hat out of the way JBL_ and the next it's _touch me and I'll rip your head off, so I can feed it to some vicious, starved street dogs_,' Roman complains, voice getting stronger and louder again. Seth can even hear footsteps coming closer.

'I know, right?' he interjects, once again sure that they won't even bother to listen to him. 'You shut up,' his big brother commands, catching him completely off-guard. He was sure they had already forgotten he is still on the phone. 'But I–'

'Seth, you ready?' a deep, raspy voice calls out, making Seth flinch in his car. He looks at his phone, realizing this conversation is already going on for fifteen minutes, making him almost half an hour late. He's the worst ass-kisser ever.

'In a minute,' he shouts back to the door, waving at Hunter apologetically. 'It's my dad, there is something wrong with–' But it's like his private problems don't matter – which is nothing unusual in the Authority; if it isn't about their business or doesn't serve a higher purpose, it's not interesting –, Hunter waving him off like some annoying bug.

'Yeah, Randy told me already. Wrap this up and come on in, dinner is ready.' Which means: Make us wait just one more second and your head will be served on a silver platter.

There's a part of Seth that wants to wait this out just to see what will happen and if he'll have the guts to fight like he used to. Like Dean has taught him to. (Which means, playing a little dirty here and there.)

It's the same part that chooses to rather listen to his brother than ending this call. 'Did I hear dinner? You're having fancy dinner with your toad-eating family? Look who finally knows how to properly pronounce and identify a filet mignon.'

Look who's speaking. 'Ha, ha. Wasn't there a reason for your call?' he scoffs, getting out of his car again. He really needs to end this discussion. Not because he's afraid of Hunter and Stephanie, but because he's hungry and he can't afford to miss any important information they'll be talking about today.

Dean fakes a sulking tone, asking him, 'Aw, lights out already? Fine, so, did you talk to him about Smackdown yet?' Seems like the fun part is over and they're once again back to talking only about business. His life couldn't be any more upside down.

'No,' he whispers back in a hiss. Dean is wrong if he thinks that all of this is easy as pie for Seth. His brother didn't give him a good explanation as to why he even wants the match and how Seth can sell this crazy idea to his boss. He's not a fairy godparent or a wishing well. 'It's not exactly easy to come up with a reason to have you in a match with Randy.'

'Good,' Dean says satisfied. Seth is sure he has heard that one wrong. 'How on earth is this good?' he shoots back, walking around in circles, so he'll never get too close to the mansion. Dean chuckles for a while, enjoying Seth's nervousness, before he ultimately decides to let him in on the secret.

'Well, Ro and I came up with a little something ourselves.' Awesome. His brothers made a plan all by themselves. Now he's really curious how that one will turn out. It probably will end with Seth getting hurt, him having to beat up Dean or, in the worst case, both. Maybe it's be better if he never hears this. 'Then please, enlighten me.'

His mouth is a fucking traitor, always letting things he's never wanted to say out loud slip. He just knows that this will end poorly and in a lot of pain, but Dean sounds so confident and proud of their plan, so Seth will do his best to make it come true. In the end, it's him who has to prove his worth.

Dean doesn't waste a second, eager to explain their scheme to him. 'Well, since you like to brag a lot these days about, well everything, we thought you could babble a bit about that golden ticket of yours. Your time, you'll be the champ, whatever floats your boat.'

Okay. That doesn't sound too bad. Except for the whole bragging stuff. He really hates doing that. It's just not him, standing in that ring and talking about only himself. He'd really enjoyed the times when he could hold a mic and say something about his brothers and how superior they were. That stupid Mr Money in the Bank shit will be the death of him.

'And?' he inquires, unable to not sound a bit pissed off. He knew he wouldn't like their plan. And he hasn't even heard all of it yet. Dean doesn't give two shits about his current mood, just continues as if Seth never said anything. 'And then I'll do what I do best. Shut you up and prove you wrong.'

So, Dean wants to do another promo, hiding somewhere in the arena to tell him he's a mindless, soulless minion and how punchable his face is. (And yes, he always listens very closely to what Dean has to say, because there's not a single word he doesn't mean like that. Seth still waits for the right moment to complain about Dean flipping him off more or less subtly a few days ago.)

On the plus side, there will be Dean in his gray leather jacket, looking dapper as fuck without even trying to. And he'll most likely rub over his chest or neck again, because that's a motion he unconsciously does whenever he tries to contain his darker, more crazier feelings. It's also pretty mesmerizing. So this is going to be the part of the plan he definitely likes to execute.

'How is a promo of yours gonna help me figure this out?' That's the only thing he hasn't understood so far. They've been doing this for a while now and it never ended with Dean going into a match against Randy. Why should it be different his time? 'No cut promo,' Dean clarifies, 'I'll come out to the ring.'

Oh, now _that_ definitely sounds good. There's gonna be a brawl, Dean tacking off his jacket while walking down the ramp, talking trash at him. Maybe this plan isn't so stupid after all. As long as Seth can get his hands on Dean in any possible way, he's so on board.

'You wanna smack talk a bit before you try to beat me up?' He actually likes that the most about their, well, feud because Dean is an amazing talker; every word he speaks into a microphone special and breathtaking. There's also not a chance in hell that his brother will only _try_ to get his hands on Seth. He knows how to play his role way better than Seth does.

'Hell yeah,' comes the enthusiastic reply and Seth has to hold back a witty comeback when Stephanie opens the door and waves at him, a cruel, aggravated smile plastered on her face. He grimaces apologetically, holding up three fingers to tell her he'll be there in three minutes, while whispering into the phone, 'Then what?'

Because so far their little fights have never ended with Randy helping him. It was always Kane, if he remembers correctly. Or, and he's not very proud of that, he bolted like a pussy. Dean must have read his mind because he answers teasingly, 'Well, instead of running away like you used to in the past four weeks, how about you stay in the ring with me, so someone has to come to your aid.'

'And by someone you hope it's gonna be a Slytherin?' Dean pauses a second, not sure what to say to that and Seth grins when he can hear Roman mumbling, 'It's a metaphor for a snake. Randy.' He's pretty sure the confused scowl on Dean's face would be a perfect picture for future blackmailing.

'Oh, ha, ha,' Dean counters peeved off. Seth really loves to just randomly throw the word snake into a conversation, so his brother will never forget his encounter with Jake Roberts. He doesn't even feel guilty that he had fled the ring with Roman, watching the scene unfold in front of their eyes. 'But yeah, I guess so.'

Seth sighs deeply, trying to think of every possible thing that could go wrong tomorrow if they do it Dean's way. There is surprisingly only one obstacle that instantly crosses his mind. 'What if it's the waiter Gerald?' How in the holy hell will Seth prevent Kane from running in to assist him again? After Money in the Bank he kinda feels like the so called demon (and really, isn't that just a big pile of stupid bullshit right there?) is always on his heels, send by either Randy or Trips to keep an eye on him.

It's driving him insane. And he doesn't mean the good kind – like what Dean and Roman are doing to him.

But his brother couldn't care less about Seth's worries. 'Then I'll fight him. I'm not afraid of anyone.' No one ever said that. In fact, Dean's recklessness is very hard to ignore. Even though he doesn't like the nickname street dog, he sometimes does act like one.

'I know,' Seth whimpers, already so drained and exhausted that he could drive back to the hotel and go to sleep even though it's not even eight pm. Everything costs him so much energy these days, it's a miracle he's still able to get up in the mornings. Well, it's a lot easier if there's the prospect of Dean during the day though.

'No one said you were. But you specifically asked for the spineless creature.' If Dean had wanted another match against Kane, he'd said so right away. His friend's next words explain why Dean is so laid back about all of this. He should have known that in the end, it's still his job to fix everything.

'I'm sure you can do something about it.' He heaves a loud sigh, letting Dean know how tired he is of having to work with only half a decent plan. 'Hey man, I'm not your personal Jeannie.' At least he hopes they don't think of him as one. Neither is he some supervillain with the power of mind control. He can't predict shit. All he can do is plant an idea in Hunter's head, letting it grow into a beautiful, destructive thing while constantly watering it.

'No, but you want to make it up to us.' This is not fair. He fucked up, yeah, but he doesn't want to be their personal slave for the rest of his life, just so he can _make it up_ to them. As if helping them by spying on everyone, pissing in people's tea (not like that, he's not Jericho) wouldn't be good enough for now.

It's probably because he's the youngest brother and they always get the shit end of the stick.

'Okay, just so I can prepare myself. How long are you gonna milk that?' Roman's laugh is roaring through the phone and Dean joins him soon after, making it impossible for Seth to stay mad at them. They sound so at ease – even if their happiness might be at his expense. He doesn't have the heart to destroy that.

Seth is just about to walk up the driveway when Dean bursts out, 'Until I sucked you dry.' He's eternally grateful that no one sees him trip over his own feet at that, stumbling a few steps (almost falling into the bed of flowers doing so). He fucking hates that he loves his brothers so much.

'Dean!' Roman yells enraged, probably very close to getting up and whacking Dean over the head again. Serves him right. It's not fair to tease Seth with all of this in front of their big brother and refusing to give it to him once they're alone.

'I gotta go,' he finally says; his three minutes almost over. But Dean is not yet done with him. Of course he isn't. His brother wants to be the one ending the call, needs that kind of power to fool himself into thinking he has a better self-restraint than anyone else. But he knows damn well that Seth is every bit as obstinate as Dean.

'Yeah, be a good boy. And don't forget, if someone asks you to go down and suck it, you know way better than I that one way or another somebody is sucking it.' Okay, seriously, what is going on with his brothers today? If this is how they act in their hotel room the whole time, then he doesn't get why Roman is so worried about Dean.

Sounds like his friend has indeed the time of his life, picking on Seth like in the good old days. 'You'll never let me hear the end of that, right?' He should really think about the things he says on WWE Countdown before he actually lets them escape his lips. It's a big problem of his. The moment he had spoken out those words he knew Roman and Dean would never let go of this.

'Not as long as I'm alive,' Dean confirms his suspicion, but Seth can play this game too. He hasn't spend three years with Dean without learning a few dirty tricks simply by watching him. 'Says the one in the wedding dress,' he retorts, smirking victoriously while bending down to appear like he's tying his shoe. Stalling time is also one of his specialties.

'_Photoshopped_ wedding dress and I just said that because I've already dyed my hair,' his brother tries to defend himself but Seth has Dean exactly where he wants him. 'Yeah, pink.' He's seen the pictures – the internet is a horrible place, the ultimate den of iniquity –, laughed about them with Roman when Dean wasn't around. Good times.

'Shut up.' His brother doesn't even try to sound intimidating anymore, knowing full well that it's no use. Seth might not know a lot about the darkest days of Dean's past, but at least he's fully aware of the embarrassing tidbits. Seriously, this conversation has just made his day and has given him a new, much needed burst of energy. Now he feels a hundred percent prepared for facing the Authority.

He smiles widely when he tries to end the conversation once and for all. 'See you tomorrow.' He can't wait for the evening and night to pass, so he can finally get into the ring with Dean by his side. Seth doesn't even give a damn that they're supposed to be on different sides. All he cares for is that his brothers won't suddenly disappear out of his life. What's a little beating compared to lifelong happiness?

'Have a nice family meeting, ninja puppy,' Dean sees him off good-naturedly, which makes Seth want to end this call with one last pinch of scorn. 'Don't jerk off while thinking of me.' Roman groans somewhere really close to the speaker, eliciting a tiny huffed laugh from Seth, while Dean just tries to play down the issue. 'You wish.'

There's another loud smack, followed by an undignified sound from Dean and then Roman is taking over the phone, obviously fed up with both of them.

He hasn't lost all of his family, hasn't managed to completely destroy it. Seth realizes that with a kind of relief that sets him free when Roman asks of him to make them proud.

He tries not to choke on his own words when he answers, 'Sure thing.' His throat is suddenly too tight, tears gathering in his eyes. He can't believe how a single phone call can send him through heaven and hell in record time.

But there's no time to dwell on it, he has to enter Satan's home. He's probably missed a lot of important stuff already. Just to be on the safe side, he throws his phone in the car. Seth doesn't need another interference tonight. From now on until he's back in his hotel room, he's better off not thinking about his family.

Because tonight he has to be the backstabbing asshole the Authority thinks he is.


	17. loneliness is better replaced by this

One more, guys, one more. Then Seth's playtime will be over =)

* * *

They hadn't started with dinner yet, wanting to wait for the whole gang to be there. To Seth, the first hour felt like an awkward family gathering after years of not seeing each other. There was the uncle that was always creeping around, but that no one really liked because he was weird.

That one overzealous, arrogant kid that tried to show off at any given chance; only making it plain obvious what a fucking moron it was. Then there were the clingy, sometimes intimidating parents you could never escape, no matter how hard you tried. And of course the shy kid that preferred to stay hidden in the shadows.

They are still sitting at the round table – like who do they think they are? King Arthur's knights? –, eating the last course of the sumptuous meal. He hasn't stuffed himself like the others did, knowing that he won't have enough energy to work out even more than usual after a night like this.

They also haven't been talking about anything wrestling related, which might be the biggest disappointment of the entire evening. He didn't come here to hear about the early days of the Evolution when they'd trudged around every strip club in town, Flair and Triple H trying to find some girls for Randy and Batista.

Stephanie is laughing all the time, obviously happy with the way the evening turned out. She really enjoys this little meeting, being the family person she is. Seth has never felt so suffocated and trapped in his entire life.

He's sitting between Kane and Steph and is desperately trying for half an hour now to mentally escape this hell. He really doesn't want to think of anyone at this table naked, so he tries to conjure up the image of Dean in the wedding dress instead. It hadn't been a beautiful one, but the mere memory is enough to make him relax a fraction; lets his smile turn somewhat softer around the edges.

Of course it doesn't end with Seth thinking about Dean in a dress. No, that would be too easy. If Dean and Roman aren't here to torment him, then he can always count on his mind to get him into a jam. He definitely has spent too much time with the two of them.

The longer he has to sit there and eat a very delicious slice of apple pie, the faster his brain spirals out of control. First it's Dean in the white gown, then it's the other clad only in garter belts, just so that Seth's mind can take him back to Monday morning; the two of them lying in bed after one of the most emotionally draining nights in Seth's life.

_'You still awake?' he whispers louder than one should while asking that question – hoping that Dean isn't sleeping yet, and if he should be, fully intending on waking him up. 'No,' comes the tired reply, followed by a hearty yawn. Seth's cheek is still pressed tightly against Dean's chest. He has listened to the steady heartbeat for so long that he's sure he won't ever forget the strong rhythm again._

_'I've been doing some thinking,' he presses on, lifting his hand to draw his finger over Dean's abs, tracing the outlines of his brother's muscles. 'I hope you didn't strain yourself.' Seth grins mischievously when he hears the exhaustion leaving Dean's voice. All signs are pointing to them getting some action today._

He feels someone tapping on his leg, making him flinch in surprise. Thankfully, no one saw it. Other than Kane, who had interrupted his thoughts. Seth doesn't understand why he would be so cruel and yank him out of this daydream when he realizes that he's sitting there with the fork in his hand – whatever had been on it must have fallen onto the plate again –, mouth open and ready for the pie.

Seth tries to shoot Kane a cocky smile, but he probably looks like the other just caught him masturbating frantically in the bathroom. His seatmate doesn't comment on it, just smirks knowingly and concentrates on his own dessert. Way to go, Rollins.

He is able to hold on to reality until Hunter and Randy start to joke about things that should better stay buried in the past. Like Kane's rather disgusting liaison with Lita, the love triangle with Kurt Angle, Steph and Triple H and the early days with Test asking the woman sitting next to him for her hand in marriage.

He'd rather drink a whole bottle of whitener than listen to this. What a bummer this night has turned out to be. Even taking a bath in a tank full of piranhas sounds like a better idea. Back to Dean it is. Maybe he'll even be able to continue eating like a normal person.

_'I know we're taking it slow and all that but I've been staring at your dick for the past few hours now and it's like being really hungry for a hot dog, sitting in front of the vendor, mouth watering, breathing in that delicious scent, but you have no money to buy one and that stupid guy won't turn around for a second, so you can snatch one.'_

_Dean laughs before he scoffs fondly, possibly already knowing where this is heading to. Which is good, because then he can decide if he wants them to go there or not. Dean's pace and baby steps and all that._

_'You compare my dick to a hot dog even though you want to do your kinky stuff with it?' Yeah, maybe not his best seduction technique but he is kinda hungry (it's almost breakfast time) and for some reason he really craves fast food for days now._

_'Is it working?' Hey, it can never hurt to ask, right? 'You're the one keeping a close eye my junk, why don't you tell me?' No, it's not. 'Well, if you want to,' he starts, fingers slipping beneath the covers to play around with the hem of Dean's boxer shorts, 'I can lend you a hand. Literally.'_

_'Alright, Punk, it's gonna take a lot more than that to make me say yes.' 'You want me to beg, do I get that right?' Dean pats him on the head again while snickering, all tiredness gone from his voice. At least he hasn't said no either, right? So begging it is. (One day, when he's in his brother's good graces again, he's gonna make him pay for all of this.)_

And begged he had. For almost forty minutes. He had thrown every good (and ridiculous) argument at Dean, had tried to let his fingers do the work for him but everything seemed to be fruitless. Dean never once popped a boner, which frustrated Seth a lot.

Either his brother has the ultimate self-control or he doesn't find Seth very stimulating. (His already cracked pride forbids him to think it's the latter one.)

Seth had to work hard to get Dean to where he wanted him. Like, _really_ hard. He was not only at the end of his rope, but also sweating profoundly while his brother was lying on that bed, smirking that hot grin of his down at him, looking like he just woke up from a peaceful slumber.

It's totally unfair that Dean is one walking sexy pandemonium. And the worst part of all of it is that Dean knows that very well. He's aware of the effect his sheer presence has on Seth, using all of that knowledge to get his payback.

But it had been completely worth it, working for the permission to get that handjob. Just thinking about the little moans Dean couldn't hide from him lets all his blood rush into his cheeks (and other very unfortunate regions, considering he's still under Kane's scrutiny), making him all giddy and ready for round two.

He tries very hard (ha) not to squirm too much in his seat, so he won't attract any more unwanted attention. Seth also fights against the images popping up in his mind, not really bothering him with a pliant and willing Dean beneath him – and boy, will he be able to feed off these memories for a long, long while (mostly because it will take that long for his friend to agree to something like this again) –, but forcing him to slowly lose his grip on reality.

Which would be a fatal mistake.

He really doesn't want to hide at the table until his boner vanished again, like he sometimes had to as a teenager. But it's like talking to a wall or trying to teach an elephant how to tiptoe around obstacles in a maze full of mice and porcelain. The memories keep haunting him, adding even the sound of Dean's breathless gasps and tiny pleas that escaped him once or twice.

He's so screwed.

_Seth is very tempted to pause his movements – wanting to be a little tease once in a while too – the moment he hears Dean grit out an almost desperate _Don't stop_, just so he can listen to his brother beg some more for something only Seth can give to him._

_Well, technically, Dean could do it himself too, but he doesn't want to ruin this magical moment with logic._

_So, in the end, he decides to be a good (potential boyfriend) person and keep up with his already agonizingly slow rhythm; always trying to not change the pace, no matter how much he wants to. This is supposed to be a mind-blowing, _oh my God, I'll never be able to forget it _kind of handjob and Seth intends to delay the grand finale for as long as he possibly can._

_This is his tiny rebellion and he's gonna make the most of it._

'Are you alright?' Seth is stuck way too deep into his own mindset to realize that someone is talking to him. Or rather whispering, so no one else will butt into this little conversation. He blinks several times, ridding himself of the memory of a flushed and finally slightly sweating Dean, the little pearls on his body making him practically glow and glisten in the morning sunlight.

He whips his head around, still only able to hear Dean breathing heavily, his mind still concentrated on that blissful moment when their gazes had locked and Seth had felt like the happiest person on earth – because he had found only passion and adoration in Dean's half-lidded eyes.

It might have been because of the heat of the moment but they never lie, right? Seth couldn't hide his concern at Money in the Bank, couldn't keep that out of his stare when they took Dean away from him; so why should his brother be any different?

'Hm?' he answers slowly, clinging to reality with all his strength to find a way out of this mess. He looks into a set of differently colored blue eyes and needs a long, awkward moment to understand that not only is someone talking to him, but also that the person expects a slightly better answer than a hum.

'Oh yeah. Totally.' Kane doesn't seem convinced by his words – and honestly, he wouldn't be either. Seth can feel his cheeks practically burn, the fork is still in his right hand which hangs aimlessly in front of his open mouth. That he didn't start drooling is maybe the biggest miracle ever.

'You seem a little flustered.' Only a little? Wow, so he has a tiny bit of self-control too. And actually, he's not flustered. No, he's painfully aroused and sitting at a table with his boss, the arrogant face of the company, the she-devil and her little demon bitch that she keeps on a very tight leash.

(And why does that remind him of Dean's past and how he has seen pictures of his friend competing in a dog collar match? No, actually, the more important question is why that turns him on so much. It's as if he wants the others to get aware of his little problem.

If Dean and Roman would be here right now, they'd do everything in their power to achieve exactly that. Embarrassing your brothers at all costs is like the best pastime ever. It's how they cut short the time on the road all these months.)

'Me? No. _No_,' he finally manages to say after swallowing hard and putting the fork down to cover up his lap with his arms. He's not moving fast, so it won't be too suspicious but Kane looks at him like he can see right though his bullshit lies.

'I just, er, remembered something... nice?' he adds as an afterthought, but the hard stare from his seatmate only intensifies. He needs to get his shit together – not just because he is so horribly _Seth_ right now (and they expect to have Mr "Money in the Bank", Mr "I stab my brothers in the back because I'm awesome", Mr "I'm way smarter than you, so piss off" as their dinner guest and ally) but also because he doesn't want anyone to stare into his soul like that.

He's afraid of what the other might find there.

Kane leans over to him and lowers his voice, reminding him with a toothy grin, 'Boy, I'm almost twice your age. You can't fool me.' Seth's heart is beating totally out of sync right now, his brain already shutting down to launch the well known panic mode, when he remembers his cover and why he's doing all of this.

He can't fuck it up. 'No, seriously, I just–' he tries to talk his way out of this precarious situation, deciding that half-truths always worked best for him whenever he has to play a role. His cheeks still burn, now because he's embarrassed as fuck, and it takes all of his will power to prevent himself from throwing around his hands animatedly, like he sometimes uses to when he talks about something he really, really likes.

Kane just smiles fatherly down at him – it surprises Seth that he doesn't get patted on the head – before he murmurs, 'She worth it?' She who? She what? What the heck's he talking abou– oh. He sometimes forgets that people don't know he swings both ways.

What a stupid question that is though. Is Dean worth it? What, worth all the trouble, all the pain, the heartbreak and tears and frustration and worth the wait? As if anyone even needs to ask this. There is only one possible answer to that and Seth lets his guard down for this tiny, rare moment between him and Kane to clarify once and for all how he feels for that special someone the other will never know of.

'Totally,' he whispers back, a peaceful smile lighting up his whole face. If there ever had been any doubts about him and Dean, they're gone now. He knows what he wants and he won't let it slip away a second time.

He puts on his carefully crafted, smug mask again when Kane asks him a bit curiously, 'You'll bring her with you one day?' Yeah, no chance in hell, but it's tempting to imagine that dinner, isn't it?

Dean storming into the mansion like he owns this place, sitting down, putting his feet on the table, yelling for a greasy pizza just to piss off Stephanie, before digging in, scoffing down the food like some starved homeless guy, asking for seconds. And if he doesn't get them, he'll steal some food off of other guests' plates.

Contrary to some people's belief his brother does have manners, but he loves to rile others up, loves to show them how little he actually likes them. He'd try to ruin the whole evening and would eventually be successful, because Dean is very relentless. God, it would be so much fun sitting at this table and watch him drive everyone nuts.

'Definitely not,' he chuckles, his tone very light, so that it won't seem too rude, but he doesn't even need to worry about Kane. The other just grins knowingly again and winks (the fuck?) at him. 'Don't let Hunter hear then.' Oh, Kane can bet his ass on that. He never wants anyone to know about him and Dean; simply because it's none of their business.

And it wouldn't exactly help his whole undercover thing, if it'd become public that he has the hots for Dean.

But since he's already talking to Kane, he should probably finally start his mission to manipulate people again. He still has no clue what he should do to convince Hunter that Dean has to fight Randy but not him. No matter how he looks at it, Kane is a factor he has to eliminate first.

Seth clears his throat to indicate he's not yet done with him. 'Hey, erm, you got any plans for tomorrow night?' Kane huffs out a tiny laugh, leaning even further down to him, before he says, 'You want to ask me out?' Seth can't stop himself from laughing out loud.

He always wanted to believe that somewhere deep down under that monstrous pile of muscle and behind the scowly facade there is still that heart of gold Seth had liked so much about the other during the Attitude Era.

He was so disappointed when he met _Corporate Kane_, the lap dog of the Authority and one of The Shield's former bosses because that's not the person he had wanted to work with. One day he hopes he'll be able to fight with Kane against the Authority – and with him he'd also have the support of his brother the Undertaker which would be one of his biggest dreams coming true.

Somewhere the Big Red Monster, the Big Red Machine must still be alive, right? Seth has never liked these nicknames but they stood for someone he looked up to. The Devil's favorite Demon is just a shadow of his former self. And Corporate Kane... well, that's the biggest joke of them all.

But he has to concentrate on the here and now first. Dean wants a match against Randy, because it's fun to show Seth that he and Roman are still on the same page and beat up someone for his brother. And probably a million other reasons he can never tell anyone; they simply don't matter to anyone else than Seth. So he asks Kane as casually as he can, 'Are you gonna be there on Smackdown?'

He will somehow have to talk him into staying at home, so that he can't interfere when Dean attacks him in the ring. Triple H will never even deign to run down the ramp to safe one of his pawns. No, with Kane out of the picture it can only be Orton. And even though Trips always keeps his hands clean, he _will_ send in someone to save his newest apple polisher.

There are not a lot of things Seth is dead certain about, but he just knows that his boss won't just watch while Dean beats him up.

Kane frowns down at him and calmly finishes his piece of pie – making Seth really nervous and agitated on the inside; like why the hell does it need so much time to answer a simple question? – before he shakes his head. 'Not that I know of. You need my help?'

God forbid, no. This is actually the best news of the day. He was so worried about how he could get rid of the big goof and now it seems like he didn't even need to set his wits to work. He just has to play it cool now. 'Who, me? _No_. Everything's peachy in Sethtown.'

That... yeah. It's best not to ever speak about this ever again. He's so fucking out of character tonight that it's not even funny anymore. Kane looks at him as if there's a second head growing out of his left ear, murmuring slowly and a bit hesitantly, 'Why are you asking then?'

_Don't make another mistake, Rollins_, he chides himself, conjuring up that arrogant cockiness he uses to display all day long. 'Oh, no particular reason,' he answer a bit evasively. 'I just always want to know what my family is up to. It's how I maintain control over everything. I guess, old habits just die hard.'

It's not the best lie in the universe but it does its job. The bigger problem is his hurting throat. Just speaking out the word family and not meaning Roman and Dean is so wrong and feels like there's a razor blade stuck in his air pipe. He wants to cough so badly, to get rid of it but he forces himself to stay still.

Just think about how happy and grateful Dean will be (yeah, right) when he can text him tonight that everything is set in stone for Smackdown.

'Well, I'm going to be at home,' Kane emphasizes again, and it's written all over his face that Seth weirds him out more than just a bit. He bites back a _good dog_remark but can't stop himself from grimacing.

'You're strange,' Kane remarks, causing Seth's heart to go wild in his chest again. _He's on to me_, he thinks bitterly, side-eyeing his fork and thinking about stabbing the other with it, so he'll never be able to tell Stephanie or Hunter any of his suspicions.

Seth inhales deeply and forces his lips into something that hopefully resembles a careless smile. 'The good kind of strange, right?' Kane chuckles, clapping him on the shoulder fatherly. 'Whatever you say.'

He doesn't like this particular intonation. It's the same one Kane had used when he had welcomed Seth in the Authority once again. It's the emotionless, soul-sucking _no matter what you do, you'll always end up here_ tone he tries to escape every day of his new life.

He has already opened his mouth, ready to show some defiance – because he won't stay with them for the rest of his life; he'll go back to his real family again, living each day to the fullest – when Triple H interrupts them. 'Hey you two, what are you talking about?'

As if it's against the law to have a normal conversation at a god damn dinner party. It's not like they plot to take over the world. Well, at least Kane isn't.

It's surprisingly also the older one who saves Seth from having to answer that. 'Just getting to know each other a bit better. I mean, we are a family now. We have to look out for each other.' He can't help it, but every time someone calls the people at this table a family he wants to jump up, go to his car and run them all over with it.

'Yeah, what he said,' he adds weakly, angry at himself that he's not the one he is supposed to play tonight. Thankfully he gets a chance to redeem himself when Stephanie starts to (fucking finally) talk about business. John Cena and the whole championship predicament, to be precise.

He doesn't partake in the following discussion, thinking it best to remain silent. But he does nod here and there, and flashes her a smile when she turns to him for some sort of support. He's not really listening to her crap, not interested in who the stupid champion is – as long as it isn't Roman or Dean.

Or himself.

He liked Daniel as their leader, to be honest. That man has a way to challenge everybody in the ring that really appeals to Seth. It's not as intense as it is with Dean but it's good too. And it's a real shame the other got injured and had to go through neck surgery and whatever fate is throwing at him these days.

Stephanie pats him on the arm at one point during her little speech, his skin itching uncomfortably beneath her fine fingers. He looks at her expectantly, realizing he once again has no idea what she was talking about last. He really should pay attention to the others instead of starting to wander back to Monday morning in his mind.

'We need to come up with a good enough way to guarantee you a safe cash in,' she repeats (at least he thinks she says it again, after he didn't listen to her or reacted in any way the first time) and Seth nods fervently, as if Dean's interference wasn't planned long ahead or even welcomed.

She's not talking to the whole group, he realizes somewhat belatedly, because there is no Randy Orton speaking up. And usually, there would be. Mostly because he thinks _he_ deserves to be the champion and not Seth, briefcase or not. He also firmly believes he is the favorite child of Hunter and Randy wants to prove that to Seth every time he gets the chance to.

No, Steph is talking to him even though she often looks to her husband as if she's waiting for something. He stops his brain from showing him a sweat covered Dean, writhing beneath him, using his uninjured arm to lay his fingers over Seth's, joining him in the steady but lazy up and down movements.

'Then give me a match against Cena,' he suggests, not really intending for the idea to be meant seriously. He just said something so she would stop staring at him like a shark – all dead eyes and predatory. But he can already see the wheels turning in her head and knows he has just made a big mistake.

'You might get that next week. I need to talk to Hunter about it first though.' Whatever, girl. It's not like it'll be a fair match – which is exactly what Seth wants when he'll finally win those babies for the first time –, the little devils on his shoulders ready to 'help' him at any time.

The only real and wanted help he'll get is Dean's; when his brother rushes out to deter Seth from winning or cashing in.

But he can't add something like _Hey, take it easy, I have a whole year to get those titles_ because it would be suspicious and not fitting for his role. He has to play his part, no matter what kind of detestable things that might require from him. He has maneuvered himself into this position and now he needs to find a way out of it again.

'You're really smart, Seth,' she tries to flatter him and he flashes her a haughty smile. 'Of course I am. I created The Shield.' Oh God, he hates himself for telling this blatant lie so much that he wants to stand up and bang his head against the wall until he loses any memory of it.

He didn't create their family. It was actually a natural thing, mere coincidence or fate. The three of them worked together, got to know each other in the process (though to Seth Roman's presence felt like an intrusion at first, separating him from Dean) and joined forces when the opportunity presented itself.

Like Roman once said, they'd skipped the friends stage and became brothers instantly.

Stephanie claps him gently on his arm, pride he doesn't deserve crashing over him and he has to fight hard against the urge to withdraw his hand. He doesn't like to be touched like that, or by her. Especially not tonight. Ever since he joined the Authority, he's become so anti-social, it's not even funny anymore.

He really hopes it's just because he surrounds himself with the wrong kind of people and that it'll vanish as soon as he can go back to being his old self again.

'Is there anything you'd like to discuss with us?' she asks him friendly, really meaning her offer, but Seth isn't interested in it at all. He'll definitely never talk about his private life, no matter how much they wanna pry. This is strictly a business relationship and once they become dead weight to him, he will cut this tie.

'Well, I've heard some rumors about Summerslam,' he starts nevertheless, convincing himself that it can never hurt to extract some other information that might be useful. She called him smart and he wants to live up to that reputation. The more he can give his brothers, the less they will ask of him.

At least he hopes that this will be the case. He really doesn't want to see the day when he won't be able to fulfill their wishes, disappointing them yet again even though he promised to fix all of this. It's his duty to make sure they get whatever they want.

He owes them so much more than just a few favors.

Stephanie brushes her perfectly styled hair back, lips twisting into a bizarre imitation of a motherly smile, while the patting on his arm continues. 'Don't worry your pretty little head about it. Summerslam is still far away. You should focus on the titles, Cena and Battleground for now.'

Oh, so the rumors are true. Brock Lesnar is about to come back in August, facing the current reigning champion – whoever that may be by then – to get his five minutes in the spotlight. He's never liked the man and lost all his respect for him when he broke the undefeated streak at Wrestlemania.

He _knows_ it's not the guy's fault that he ended the most amazing record in sports entertainment. But that doesn't diminish the burning hate he feels when he thinks of that man. Seth is so glad that he hasn't heard Paul Heyman brag about the 21-1 for a few days now, hoping with all his heart that the time for that is finally over.

It's hard not to jump at Cesaro's manager and suffocate the living hell out of the man every time he opens his big mouth to talk about his other client even though he's supposed to introduce the Swiss. He really can't understand how Cesaro is able to endure all of that – always only being the one behind the one that's behind the one that conquered the streak.

(And wow, that just broke his brain.)

The Shield and the Undertaker might have never had the chance to become more than opponents, but he's still the most respected guy in the locker room. Everyone wants to have a match with him – and Dean got so lucky to get handpicked by the man himself (he was so jealous of his friend, he didn't talk to Dean for a whole week after that) – trying to prove to Taker and the world that they're ready for this business.

Speaking of Kane's half-brother... No one has heard a word from him for a while now. Seth can totally understand that he's gone into hiding because of the end of his streak but there were also rumors of a severe concussion floating around.

He'd love to ask Kane about the other, if he knows where Taker is or what he's up to, but he bites down on his tongue to stop the words from spilling out because those two didn't exactly part on good terms. (Again.) And if Seth knows one thing, it's how awful it is if people ask you about your family and you have no clue how you are supposed to feel, let alone what you should answer to that question.

So back to the present and Summerslam and Brock. With Stephanie confirming his suspicions he now knows one thing for sure: plan B is not Seth Rollins. No, plan B is Brock Lesnar.

He really needs to start thinking more like a mafia boss, expecting betrayal, schemes and manipulation at every turn. He's not safe. His cash in is not safe (not because of Dean's constant interference, but because of the possible repercussion his title reign could have for none other than himself). His brothers aren't safe.

And that's the part that scares him the most.

The conversation goes back to some Cena bashing Seth doesn't want to join in, so he just helps himself to a second slice of pie and is almost able to finish it in peace when he hears Randy and Triple H joke about his brother. The fork falls out of his hands, the clattering sound hurting his ears and making everyone flinch in surprise.

All eyes are fixed on him, and Seth just clears his throat while picking it up again to eat the last three bites of the pastry as if nothing ever happened. On the inside he is nervous to a point it's making him dizzy. He tries to play it cool, meeting their gazes with raised eyebrows.

'What?' he says instead of apologizing, showing them the jerk they expect him to be. Hunter just laughs it off, carrying on the conversation while watching Seth's every move out of the corner of his eyes. He doesn't make another mistake once they start insulting his family again, this time prepared to keep up his game face.

But the longer they keep on doing this, calling Dean all kinds of names, already planning out to send him to an asylum (and boy, isn't that half his own fault?), locking him up in a rubber room so they can make fun of his predicament, the more nauseous Seth starts to feel.

He once again has to hide his hands beneath the table because they started shaking badly, showing his rage and agony alike. The smile on his face feels like someone carved it into his cheeks and it takes a lot of strength out of him to keep it alive.

His stomach rebels painfully when Kane looks away a bit ashamed, probably remembering the time over a decade ago when some men in white tried to put him in a straightjacket too, hell-bent on taking him to a mental institution while the whole world was watching.

Seth had always hoped that there was a tiny shred of decency left in the other and he's just found it. It should be relieving to know he can work with that in the future, but right now he just feels sick to the point he could rush to the bathroom and throw up.

There is some serious growling taking place in his belly, bile rising slowly at the back of his throat but he can't get up. He can't leave the table right now at this point of the conversation. If he flees as soon as someone attacks his brothers – the ones he too should be able to offend and disrespect in his current role – everyone will realize he's playing a game of his own.

So Seth forces himself to swallow everything down again, wills his hands to stop trembling and joins the verbal abusing of his family, hopefully erasing any doubts about his allegiance.

Every word that comes out of his mouth leaves behind a bitter taste. Every offense is like a stab into his heart, making him want to leave behind this stupid life and join his brothers again, so the Authority will have to eat their own words. But he can't. Not anymore. He's stuck with them for a long, long time and he better makes the most of it.

There is a moment when Kane shoots him a baffled glance – he's just called Dean a worthless lap dog because he obviously got kicked in the head one too many times, losing his touch in the process – and Seth thinks once again the other's looking right down into his soul, seeing through the lies like it's the easiest thing on earth, making his heart stop for a beat.

But then the moment passes without anything happening and Seth can breathe freely again. Kane is definitely on to something, so Seth has to be on his guard even more than usual, but he's also pretty sure he can use that to his advantage in the near future.

He actually has no other choice. Seth needs to turn the tide to his favor whenever he can. And Kane might just the biggest ace up in his sleeve. So to speak.

He's eternally grateful when the dinner seems to come to an end uneventfully. Seth will never understand how he could think that this was going to be a walk in the park, when in reality it was the hardest task he has ever had to tackle. And he counts winning Dean (as well as the rest of his family) back as one of those things.


	18. it's only as dark as you make it

This is it, all you lovely sweethearts! Seth has been a lot of fun, so was writing an evening with the Authority (and especially Kane XD). Thanks for everyone who joined me on this long and bumpy ride. I really love all of you; especially the ones who left behind comments and/or favs! You guys kept me going 3

* * *

Randy and Kane leave around eleven, but Seth has still some unfinished business he needs to take care of before he can hop into his car (hopefully that idiot blocking him will be gone by then) and drive away from here.

He helps Stephanie with the dishes, showing her he's a sweet little boy that cherishes a motherly figure in his life (at least it can never hurt to fool her into believing that) before she sends him off with a knowing grin, sensing that he has several things he'd like to discuss not with her but with her husband.

'Just don't take too long. You need to be well rested and at your best tomorrow,' she reminds him with a wink. So they already have plans for him on Smackdown. Well, good thing that he wants to pull the strings a different way, nipping their intentions in the bud.

Tomorrow everything is supposed to be only about Dean. Seth wants to tell his brothers some good news before he'll go to bed alone and forsaken again.

'Hey, Hunter, can I talk to you? Privately,' he approaches his boss, who is sitting in the living room, watching the flames dance in the fireplace. He doesn't get up, so Seth sits down next to him, forcing his body to appear relaxed and at ease. 'Sure,' his boss answers, shooting him a curious glance. 'You okay?'

Seriously, people should stop asking him this question, especially if they aren't really interested in an honest answer. And the ones he wants to tell the truth aren't asking. 'Totally. Couldn't be better,' he lies, listening to his own voice ringing painfully in his ears. He's still not used to it sounding so harsh and bitter.

'I mean, I'm Mr Money in the Bank, right?' If anything else fails, he can still go around and brag about that, right? And it works every single time. Hunter smiles at him proudly, laying a heavy hand on his shoulder. The foreign fingers feel like they're dragging Seth under water, holding him down there so he will eventually drown.

'Our new champion,' Hunter reminds him again, and Seth can't stop himself from being excited and afraid of that prospect at the same time. 'Don't worry, we're going to take care of Ambrose.' Oh, he's not worried about that. Not as long as he secretly tells his brother to interfere in his business.

But it is troublesome that Triple H's first thought is getting rid of his family.

Alright, this is it. His time to play the new Seth Rollins, to show the world he has evolved and adapted. He steels himself to be the most disgusting asshole he can imagine. Later, once he's alone in his bedroom, he will try to forgive himself for what he's about to do now.

'Yeah, what a clingy nut job, huh? Clearly bonkers. And jealous.' They both laugh at that, even though Seth is sure that only his throat is impossibly tight, making it very hard to squeeze air into his lungs. He doesn't like talking trash about Dean in the ring and he definitely hates doing it in private too.

Triple H nods, looking him directly in the eyes before saying, 'How could you put up with _that_ for one and a half years?' He's heard that a couple of times by now – people have been curious about it even during his days as a member of The Shield too – as if no one could ever possibly imagine that Dean has a softer side too.

Seth didn't _endure_ any of Dean's antics. He got to know and love them and that's the whole story; it's all that matters to him. But he can't tell that someone of the Authority. And if the other guys in the locker room can't use their own fantasy to answer that foolish question, then they have no right to get an explanation.

Because of his thousands facets, Dean is the most intriguing person Seth has ever met. Everyone else who thinks Dean isn't worth their time and attention, doesn't deserve him in their life.

'I controlled it. Used it to defeat our opponents. It's all about channeling that sheer endless, ruthless aggression,' he boasts, head held high. This is not entirely a lie, but it still bothers him that he started this whole _only_ _I can put Dean Ambrose on a leash because he is my personal pet monster_ thing.

His brother doesn't need to be controlled. There is nothing to contain and release again. Dean is acting purely on instinct and in Seth's opinion that's something wild yet beautiful. Why change something that's already perfect?

'You really are The One.' The smart one. The Architect. So what? Last time he checked he was also the lonely one.

Time to step up the game. Insulting Dean won't get him anywhere. It will just lead to him throwing up that nice food later (or right now on his boss) and he really can picture a nicer way to end this hellish evening. 'I just... these days he's really going on my nerves. I can't even celebrate my Money in the Bank win without him interrupting me.'

He tries his best to sound fed up and like he's close to commit murder if it happens one more time. 'Seems like he just needs a good pounding,' Hunter says and Seth scoffs, while in reality he couldn't be happier. This is going so smoothly, it's almost too good to be true.

And it also feels like he just got Trips' permission to _pound_Dean all he wants. Seth wonders for a brief moment if Triple H even knows what he's said. (He can't possibly be aware of the feelings the two of them have for each other... or can he?

But then again, they've never done anything that stupid in front of any cameras. Simply because there never has been anything serious going on between them. Hell, after three years they're still thousands of miles away from having an actual relationship.

No matter how Hunter meant this – and Seth hopes he just had a good old beating in mind, because he doesn't want to think of his boss imagining how he and his brother spend their free time in bed together – it automatically leads his thoughts astray; back to Monday.

He's moving around on thin ice right now, trashing and stomping on the fragile ground below him. Yet, he can't help it.)

_When Dean lays his fingers around Seth's right hand, he instinctively knows it's not so he can subtly force him to change the pace or increase the pressure. His brother seems pretty content with the way things are going. No, Seth can see it in those mesmerizing eyes; all Dean wants is to be as close to him as he possibly can._

_His brother wants to do this _with _Seth, instead of just watching him do all the work. It's weirdly intimate, but Seth really likes and appreciates the thought. It seems like he has finally broken one of Dean's defenses; his brother unable to hide even the smallest thing from him._

_He licks his lips the moment their eyes meet again and smiles down at his friend, aiming for it to be honest and tender. It certainly elicits a reaction from Dean Seth hadn't anticipated but welcomes nonetheless. His friend bites his own bottom lip while arching his back and hips against Seth, breath leaving his lungs in tiny little puffs._

_Dean is about to come completely undone underneath him and it's the single most beautiful thing Seth has ever witnessed. _

There's a mean grin on Triple H's face when he offers, 'You want a match tomorrow? Maybe even a handicap one?' The rough voice yanks Seth back into reality with one violent tug, making him feel hollow and furious at the same time.

Why do people keep interrupting his memories of that night? It's like they'd do everything to destroy the only good thing that has happened to him in the past five weeks. As if they know exactly what they're doing. He can't wait for the day he'll be able to make them pay for this.

Hunter is still looking at him expectantly, reminding Seth of their current conversation and that he's supposed to do Dean a favor, not ruining it by reminiscing over a stupid, obviously life-changing handjob. A match against his brother? And a handicap at that? Fuck no. Dean wouldn't back down from that challenge, he knows for sure, but Seth doesn't want to fight his own brother. Not like this.

He knows Battleground will be a good opportunity to deal with all the feelings of betrayal and hurt and it will lead to an awesome match between them, because it's a little bit like all or nothing and neither of them wants to lose this war.

But after that he never wants to lay even a single finger on his own family ever again. Not if he can help it.

'Actually,' he starts, giving Hunter one of his best puppy eyes impressions, 'I'd like to have one moment of glory without him ruining it for me. I'd like to turn the tables around. Get some advantage over him.'

That sounds good. At least it's not a bad start. And his begging seems to be working, because Triple H goes quiet for a while, mulling this matter over in his head, before finally settling for suggesting, 'I can order Randy and Kane to take care of him.'

No, God, _no_. Kane is thankfully already out of the picture. _Don't drag him back in, you stupid piece of shit_, he wants to yell but bites the comment back and instead settles for a troubled, 'But it's Kane's free day.' And with that he just mastered the ultimate _good son_ impersonation, faking concern for the demon's private life like a boss.

'There are no free days for the Authority.' Great. _Just go on, Hunter, crush all my hopes._ And isn't that something to look forward to? He's only five weeks into this whole stupid thing and Seth is more than ready to change his name and emigrate to Latin America or maybe Spain. The further away he can get, the better.

And this is just the beginning. His whole life seems to belong to the McMahon-Helmsleys now.

Not with him. He's going to fight against them until he's destroyed them from within. Or until the plan changes. Whatever comes first.

'Nah, I'm sure Randy will be good enough. What about Reigns though?' he tries to shun the whole using Kane as Seth's bodyguard topic by guiding the conversation back to the more pressing matters. He wants Hunter to believe he's worried about Roman thwarting his arrogant celebration; joining forces with Dean against him.

His boss has to assume that Seth wants both of them out of his way, while he needs to keep Dean on a leash because this is just something that won't change, no matter how often he stabs them in the back and how much they might hate each other.

Triple H needs to think that Seth isn't worried about Roman, but about Randy not being able to handle both him and Dean once all hell breaks loose.

'Well, if he interferes, he blows up his title chance. Sound good?' Not really. Even if Kane won't be there to come to Orton's aid, Seth is perfectly aware that – should things get hairy for The Viper – the only guy left (him) will be sent out to safe the boy.

There must be a way to be there from the beginning, to ensure that Roman can attack Randy without ruining his big chance. Seth needs to... he has to... yes.

'Perfect,' he answers with a nod, wanting to convey the impression of being lost in thoughts. 'Can I do commentary then?'

Because that is the only way to ensure his friend won't get hurt too much during the match and to end it as soon as he is in too much trouble – it's not that Seth doesn't believe in his brother; he knows how good he is, but Dean is injured and Randy a jerk. Seth just wants to be on the safe side –, attacking him with the briefcase, causing Dean to win by disqualification, so Roman can rush in and help out his little brother.

Seth is not keen on having to watch the two of them back together in that ring, but it's for the greater good. He just has to hope that they'll have a little mercy on him. (They didn't.)

'What, you don't want to fight him but you want to be there nonetheless?' Hunter asks with a huff, voice not doubtful enough to make him think he has overstepped the mark. All he needs is a plausible answer that explains his hesitation to stay out of the actual fight but willing to come to Randy's rescue whenever he deigns too.

'Keep your friends close, enemies closer.' He's twittered that a few weeks ago, meaning every word he typed. Triple H interpreted this as a pledge of allegiance, but in truth it had been a sign for his brothers. They didn't get it back then, but they do now.

Seth is keeping his family close, but the Authority even closer. He will not fail this time around.

'I like your style,' his boss compliments him, clapping him once on the thigh, the simple action causing Seth's mind to throw him back in time once more. He thinks Hunter says something along the lines of, 'You wish for it, you get it.' But he can't be sure, because all he hears are hectic puffs and a low, rough voice whispering his name.

_Dean lifts his injured arm to cup Seth's cheek, the sound of skin scraping against his scruffy beard echoing quietly in the room. He keeps up the pace, moves their entwined hands slowly up and down, while locking eyes with his brother; the both of them breathing heavily by now, sweat causing Seth's grip to slip from time to time._

_Dean's fingers wander to the back of his head, so he can drag Seth down to him, undoubtedly bothered by the huge distance between their faces. Seems like he decided to grant Seth a second kiss and who is he to decline that offer?_

_He can sense that his brother is close to his orgasm when Dean's body tenses, the kiss turning somewhat rougher and a shade more desperate. Delaying the final showdown once more would be unnecessarily cruel, so Seth finally picks up his speed a tad while making damn sure his brother won't break the kiss._

_Seth wants his friend to moan into his mouth when he comes, so he can enjoy every last bit of it to the fullest; knowing that Dean would whisper out his name otherwise. But hearing it is not as satisfactory as feeling his orgasm shattering every guard Dean surrounds himself with._

_He wants his friend to lose himself in Seth, capturing every emotion with his lips, so he can memorize and relive them forever._

_Watching Dean reaching his breaking point is the best feeling in the world. Seth can't understand why he's waited so long to get a taste of this. Why he ran away from his family._

_He doesn't let go of his brother once he's lying there, face completely unguarded, spent and content. Seth keeps on moving his hand up and down, Dean's fingers still wrapped tightly around his. Time flies by, birds are chirping somewhere outside, the sun shines brightly even through the closed curtains._

_But all Seth can see is Dean beneath him, eyes sparkling, chest moving at a fast pace until the breathing becomes more regular again. There is not a single bone in his brother's body that's not deeply and soundly relaxed. His afterglow might just be Seth's new favorite thing because for once Dean is... well, _just Dean_._

_His brain starts to turn itself on again, voices in his head screaming for more, for the fulfillment of his own pleasure, but Seth quiets them down. He will get his chance soon enough. He will also make sure that Dean will agree to being topped by him._

_Seth couldn't live with himself if he never managed to tap Dean. But for now he'll just watch his brother fall asleep and clean them up as soon as Dean is too far gone to notice. Small steps. Yet, for some reason he thinks they've made a really huge leap tonight._

'So,' he forces himself back into reality, not quite sure what they were talking about. Thankfully his mouth saves him this one time tonight. 'As soon as that lunatic attacks me again–' 'He'll get The Viper,' Triple H finishes his sentence, helping Seth to finally remember what's going on.

His work for today is done. He has guaranteed Dean a match against Orton tomorrow night, which means that he can now leave this cursed place to crawl back into the safety of his own room where darkness will be his best friend until he'll walk past Dean or Roman backstage tomorrow, the sight of his family making him feel alive again.

'Won't he be pissed?' Seth feigns some concern, knowing he can't just end the conversation at this point. His boss laughs for a few seconds, the sound so out of place that it makes his skin crawl. 'Leave Randy to me,' Hunter assures him and Seth manages to smile back.

Oh, he so is the new favorite kid in town. Which means he can rile Randy up with that to the point where the other makes a mistake, while trying to win Kane over, so that he'll have a huge asset as long as he can't openly fight alongside his true family.

'Thanks,' he says, honestly relieved that this worked out so perfectly and that Dean will get what he wants. Maybe he's not that bad at manipulating people, even if luck was on his side tonight. 'I just need a break from that crazy Freddy Krueger wannabe.'

It hurts him somewhere deep, deep down in his chest that he has to talk about his brother like this, but it's what people expect from him and Seth can't back down anymore. He just hopes that all of this will be over rather sooner than later, so he can go back to fondly teasing his friend instead of flat-out insulting him.

Hunter gets up, Seth following suit, indicating the end of the evening. There is once again a hand on his shoulder, his whole left side turning to stone beneath it. 'We're gonna wear him out, so he won't be a danger to your title reign. And his brother,' he starts, practically spitting out the word, making Seth cringe on the inside, 'won't be able to do a thing.'

It's the last grand act, the final charade of the night when Seth forces his lips into a devilish smile, fooling his boss into believing that Dean's demise is the key to his eternal happiness while the blood in his veins turns to ice. He honest to God feels like he's dying when Triple H winks at him before he pulls him into a vice-like hug.

_explain this_

Seth stares at his phone, not sure what exactly Roman wants from him. Explain what? They're not even in the same town, working house shows in different parts of Ontario. Roman is almost a three hour drive away and still demands to know what's going on.

Except that Seth has no clue what that something could be.

_Excuse me?_

He can't possibly know – not with Roman being in Toronto and them staying in Kingston – that Dean and he are sharing a hotel room tonight because Randy is there with Roman and Kane isn't even on this tour which means they have the whole place for themselves.

There is no one of the Authority who can hide in the bushes outside to get some compromising pictures of them together. For one night, he doesn't have to hide anything. He can just be Seth Rollins. Together with Dean Ambrose.

Sometimes, even his life can be amazing.

Seth didn't even need to have a lengthy argument with Dean to convince him to do this. (It's actually a shame, because he had prepared a really good speech.)

_sorry forgot to send them_

Send what? Oh, oh. 'Dean?' he yells, knocking on the bathroom door, a bad feeling spreading throughout his whole body. 'What?' comes the equally loud answer, Dean throwing open the door, almost ripping it off its hinges.

His brother is not mad or anything – they have had a really nice time during the house show and a good match on top of that. This is just Dean in the wild. A walking, talking bundle of restless energy. One can never predict what he's about to do next.

'I think we have a problem.' Dean looks at him completely disinterested, apparently not caring about this little matter and not even trying to fake concern. 'The only problem I have is that I'm still standing on my legs instead of lying in that bed to get some sleep.'

How disappointing. 'You can sleep all you want when you're dead,' Seth retorts, making it known that he hadn't had a boring night in mind when he asked Dean to share the room. There are a lot of things he wants to do to Dean, _with_ Dean, and sleeping is not on that list.

Well, maybe afterwards. But you only live once, right?

His phone beeps, alarming him that Roman has send him whatever he's so upset about and Seth holds his brother back at the wrist, leaning close so they both can look at the display.

There are two pictures staring at them, both from tonight's house show. Dean chuckles and launches himself at the bed, where he crawls under the covers to look up at him just to start laughing out really loud. Seth is frozen to the spot, disbelief evident on his face (he can see it being reflected on his phone).

'Fucking internet,' he curses under his breath before he looks more closely at the photographs, while Dean is still laughing like a maniac, pretty happy with his deed.

_now explain_

If he only knew how, he totally would. Roman demands something Seth can't exactly give him. It was in the heat of the moment, a fan thought it'd be funny to capture it forever and Dean... Dean was just his usual self.

Good to know that his brother had even more fun during their match than he did.

_What's that?_

It's maybe safer to stall for time first, so he can think of something intelligent to say. 'A little help here?' he begs his friend but Dean just shakes his head, grinning like the Cheshire cat. 'You got this,' he answers, making himself comfortable in the bed.

_pictures  
now explain_

He can see that. The only problem he has is the utter lack of anything to come up with. The pictures pretty much tell everything Roman wants to know. He's pissed off that his brothers, once again, have failed to keep things professional.

(Seth knows that if Roman were in his shoes, he'd not be able to resist Dean either. And no one can convince him otherwise.)

But it's nice to see that they've already reverted back into their old roles. Seth comes up with a genius plan, Dean is ready to execute it on the spot and Roman takes care that everything goes the way it should; but most of the times he just despairs because he's dealing with two buffoons, making it his job to pick up the pieces.

Here goes nothing then.

_Well, seems like Dean had some fun tonight._

He's getting ready for bed himself, just finished brushing his teeth when he gets a new message. From the looks of it, Roman isn't in the mood for jokes or evasive answers. As if it's his fault that Dean smiled into that damn camera like he just won his baby back from Sheamus; taking back what's rightfully his, what got taken from him by the Authority. (And no, he's not talking about the US title anymore.)

_i am aware  
so is the rest of the world_

Roman is so done with them and their shit.

Seth turns off the lights in the adjacent bathroom and sits on his side of the bed, tying his hair back into a pigtail before he takes off his glasses. There's a tiny noise erupting in the comfortable silence and Seth needs a few seconds to comprehend what he just heard.

It was Dean, protesting with a cute high-pitched whine at the back of his throat against him getting rid of his optical aid. 'Oh, I thought we were going to sleep all night?' he mentions casually, not picking up his frames just to force Dean into taking action.

'Sleeping my ass,' comes the snarky reply and Seth can feel arms wrap themselves around his chest while Dean's fingers try to snatch his glasses from the nightstand to put them back where they belong. 'You didn't invite me here to play Sleeping Beauty. Or wait, maybe you did.'

Great minds do think alike. They really are cut from the same cloth. No denying that.

He keeps the pair of spectacles on, leaning back a bit into Dean's embrace while finally typing out a reply for Roman. Who's sitting lonely and exasperated in his own hotel room 163 miles away, asking whoever listens why he got punished with these two idiots.

_Hey, it's his face, not mine._

'What's he saying?' Dean mutters, hot breath ghosting over his ear, his eyes fluttering shut on their own accord. 'That we enjoyed ourselves too much on the show,' he whispers back, not wanting to break the peaceful quiet they have.

Dean hums a bit proudly, nuzzling Seth's neck with the tip of his nose. 'You should tell him that the real fun hasn't even started yet.' Oh, he'd love to. But Roman would probably freak out and drive the whole three hours to their hotel (making it in just two if the cops don't pull him over), so he can barge into the room and kill them for being two little shits.

Roman's text interrupts any of his attempts to give Dean a partly coherent answer, so he focuses on their big brother instead, delaying the whole _are we or are we not gonna bang tonight_ issue for later.

_you don't seem too bothered by him holding you down  
i told you to get your faces under control_

Yeah, he's already heard a really long harangue about that after Smackdown, because his mask had slipped once again while he was doing commentary. But it's not his fault. Well, not entirely. Dean just had to practically sit on Randy while locking him in that submission move and growl about playing games, taunting Seth the whole time.

It's a lot harder for him to keep his emotions in check since he knows that his brothers, and especially Dean, are aware of his plan and why he turned on them; since they're not angry at him 24/7 anymore.

And Roman can't exactly complain about that because he gave Seth a spear for his behavior after Smackdown had gone off air. Being the awesome, protective big brother that he is.

_Rome, come on. Give me a break._

'Neither of us will be able to ask for that tonight,' Dean breathes into his ear, continuing to tease Seth. There is no way that they'll be doing anything remotely serious after everything that has happened between them in the past six weeks.

It's too early for it, even Seth knows that.

But Dean's whole demeanor does tell its own story, making Seth wonder if he has miscalculated his brother's emotions once again. He'll never learn it.

'Dean, please,' he begs for some reason, holding up the phone with one hand while the other runs over his friend's injured arm which is still tightly wrapped around his torso. 'No begging,' Dean counters instantly, tracing his tongue over the line of Seth's neck down to his scar and tattoo, fully intending on marking him forever like the ink on his skin already did.

_not my cover that's in danger_

That he's even still able to read and understand Roman's words says a lot about him. That he fucks up and writes back a _We're fine _with shaking fingers says maybe even more.

'Dean,' he croaks out, goosebumps covering his whole body. His brother just makes a dismissive sound and starts to use his whole mouth to caress his skin.

_we_

Shit. He'd kinda hoped Roman wouldn't get wind of that. Especially with Dean gently biting into his shoulder blades. Seth knows that it's a test and that he has to stay calm, that his brother needs to find out where his own boundaries are, but it's getting really hard not to join him.

_seth_

All his brain cells are already on vacation, have taken the night off as soon as Dean started nuzzling his neck. But he needs to pass this test, has to show Dean that he can trust him again. That he's willing to do things the arduous way.

_Oops?_

That's really all his mind can come up with to defend himself. What did Roman expect? That they don't take advantage of him being out of town and behave like well-mannered kids that have never done anything wrong? (And because of that also never got laid.)

He should know them better than this.

_you guys will be the death of me  
have fun though_

What? 'He's wishing us fun,' Seth manages to say, even though his voice breaks and slips into higher (embarrassing) regions, because Dean just tugged lightly at his pigtail, so that he'll lean his head back a bit more, making it easier for his brother to get access to his throat.

_Is this you giving your blessing to us having sex tonight?_

How on earth is he still able to have this conversation? Oh right, because Dean is playing with him, making him horny just to turn off the lights and go to sleep. He knows it'll end like this because he doesn't have any luck lately. Not in those compartments.

_this is me punching you in the face when i see you again_

'He's not happy, thinking about us fucking,' his mouth babbles all by itself and Dean huffs a laugh against a wet trail behind his ear. 'We're not gonna fuck,' comes the answer that lets Seth's whole body deflate even though he knew this would happen.

'But we can definitely fool around,' Dean adds as soon as he senses how hard that hit him. There's another gentle bite being placed on his shoulder and Seth writes one last message to their brother before he decides that it's a pretty generous offer he shouldn't refuse.

_I love you too._

'Hey Seth?' his friend asks after a few hours in a hushed tone and Seth lets go of Dean to look him into the face. It's pretty dark but he thinks he sees his brother all flustered and blushing. 'Hm?' Dean fiddles around with Seth's glasses – taking them off and putting them right back on, so he can avoid looking him directly in the eyes – needing a long time to come out with it.

'Can you,' his brother starts, a conflicting scowl settling in his face. It's so cute that Seth almost smiles at that. 'Can you do, erm, whatever you did last week?' What? The handjob of doom? Or maybe it was the handjob of eternal bliss? Seth and Roman still aren't completely sure about that.

As long as Seth can stay on top of Dean, he'll gladly do anything. Time to put those magic fingers to good use then.


	19. i'm sad to see you go

I actually started this before I knew about the main event of SD, but I'm glad it fits perfectly into the story. Less work for me =) So, yeah, I don't even have a lot to say about this, since I am not 100% content with it. But I've already started with Dean and Seth's parts. Now I just have to pray to every God out there that this whole Kane thing isn't just wishful thinking. Have fun guys. Lotsa love 3

* * *

Ever since they came back from Japan, Dean has been acting really strange again. Actually, it all started when Roman came back from his house show tour in Toronto. No, scratch that. His brother hasn't been himself ever since Seth left them, but Canada has changed the game once again and Roman is tired of trying to keep up with it.

Being forced to stay apart from Dean has opened his eyes though, made him realize that there is still one thing standing between them. Well, honestly, there are more but this is the most important one in Roman's opinion.

Because it is a testimony of the mistrust that's still pretty much predominating their every interaction; still lurking in the shadows whenever they turn around and walk away from each other.

Seth had sensed that something was going terribly wrong again – that kid is too smart for his own good – and went to his daddy Triple H, begged and argued for a match where Roman and Dean could be a tag team again. Sure, John Cena had been the third wheel tonight, but just teaming up with his brother (or at least the prospect of it) has worked wonders for Dean's psyche.

The bad mood from the past few days is gone, vanished into thin air; but now it's Roman whose resolve wavers, whose mind won't stop spinning. Dean doesn't have to know this, yet Roman wants him to. Even though it was Seth who stabbed them in the back and left, lied to them for weeks, they all have something to apologize for.

And Roman thinks that his time to mend some things has finally come. He can't go through one more day without telling Dean that he's sorry for doubting him. For still doing it sometimes.

'Dean?' he addresses his brother a bit hesitantly while watching Dean peel himself out of his dirt covered ring gear to put on some sweatpants and an oversized fleece hoodie. He looks so at ease – probably because he got really close to Seth again (and Dean is kind enough to ignore that their friend cowardly attacked him from behind, knocking him out cold) – that Roman gets second thoughts about this.

'Yeah?' His brother looks at him, face completely unguarded, a small smile dancing over it from time to time. (Dean doesn't even seem to mind his busted lip or that he got yet another curb stomp on a wooden surface; that's how happy he is right now.)

He shouldn't do this, should know better than to break the peaceful truce they have established but Roman can't go around expecting an apology from Seth if he himself can't be truthful about everything either.

Once he's done with this, they can finally move on to the next obstacle. Taking one step at a time to rebuild their brotherhood. 'I just want you to know,' he starts, shaking his head, not happy with the way he worded this. 'I wanted to say I'm sorry.'

Dean quirks an eyebrow, a frown replaces the happy smirk. 'What for? What happened tonight wasn't your fault. The best laid out plans can blow up in the end. No need to worry about that. I just hope Seth is okay. I really wanna beat him up on Sunday.' He should just get it out, so it'll be over quickly. Stalling time has never worked for Roman anyway.

But Dean's words make him stop once again, just to clear things up. 'Wait, you knew they were going to attack you?' Dean laughs and sits down on the tiny beige sofa. 'How do you think Seth found me that easily?'

Is this dork even for real? There's a part of him that wants to whack Dean over the head for not telling him. Roman had been worried sick standing in that ring and seeing his brothers fight against each other in the back. Well, more like Seth and his companions beating the shit out of Dean.

He and John ran to the back as fast as they could but since they didn't know where Dean cut that promo, they couldn't even find him until it was too late.

'Why did you think that was a good plan?' Dean rubs over his slightly stubbled chin and flashes him an apologetic smile as soon as he realizes how bad Roman must have felt. 'I didn't think anything. That was Seth's idea.' No doubt about that. But why did Dean play along?

'I was supposed to come back during your match, even the odds and all that – at least that's what Seth told me in a text five minutes before the Authority ambushed me,' his brother finally shares, looking all kinds of innocent and happy. Roman groans loudly, rolling his eyes at Dean. He can never stay mad at his friend for long. 'But then Seth injured himself. We need to call him, check on him,' Dean says while getting up, rummaging around in his bag for his phone.

If Roman lets him make this phone call, his chance to confess will be over. He can't let that happen. He's needed almost five weeks to muster up the courage to do this. Roman can't wait another month; he finally wants their old bond back.

'Dean, listen, that's not what I wanted to talk about. I need to apologize for firmly believing it would be you.' There is no need to clarify what he means, the look on Dean's face tells him that his brother knows exactly what's going on.

In hindsight, Roman thinks that it might have been wiser to approach this subject slowly, tentatively, to prepare Dean for this. He should have also chosen his words a bit more carefully, but talking is still not his strong suit. (Roman likes to let his actions speak for him.)

He has made a mistake, can see it written all over Dean's face, disbelief casting a nasty shadow over it.

'It would be me,' his brother repeats, voice hoarse and breaking at the end. Dean's movements come to a stop while he stares into Roman's eyes, mouth forming those words over and over again. The familiar feeling of betrayal awakens inside of Dean, taking over before Roman can stop it, tugging his best friend back into the darkness where he came from, where Roman can't follow.

Dean's hands ball into fists, his muscles tense, his whole body preparing itself for an attack. Roman doesn't want to fight, hasn't meant for this to sting so badly. He tries to save what's left by saying, 'I'm sorry, man. I don't know what–'

Dean throws up a hand and Roman can't help but step back, for some reason convinced that his brother will attack him even though he _knows_ that Dean wouldn't do that. Not like this. Not because of an apology.

His heart clenches painfully when he sees the hurt look in Dean's eyes. They seem to ask Roman in the worst possible way how he could believe just for one second that Dean would deliberately punch him. They might argue a lot and there have been one or two occasions when a brawl was the only way to settle things – especially without Seth being there to help them sort it out again.

But there has _never_ been a moment when one of them wanted to punch the other with the sole intention of inflicting pain.

Seriously, without Seth being there one fuck up quietly makes way for the next one. 'Dean,' he backpedals, mimicking his brother's defensive stance, but the hand Dean lifted to quiet him down earlier (the one he thought to be dangerous) just makes a dismissive wave, his friend's eyes going dark and stone cold.

'It's fine.' And he's the Queen of England. Nothing is fine. They're nowhere near _fine_. Roman just single-handedly ruined the fragile bond they had build up again because he wanted to have a clear conscience. 'No it's not. I can see it in–' 'I said, it's fine,' Dean grits out, wrath burning in his veins.

Before he can say anything else – like another excuse for his idiotic behavior – Dean storms out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

All because Roman still fears Dean will leave him for Seth. Because he was so sure that Dean would commit treason, would have bet his whole belongings on it, to be honest. And Dean's recent erratic behavior isn't really making things any better.

Roman doesn't want to put the blame only on Seth because there obviously has been a lot amiss if they're still not able to trust each other blindly, but it's easier to just do it. At least until he's found another solution for this debacle.

It's not easy putting up with Dean's mood swings. Anything – as he's just witnessed – can set him off; like the ticking time bomb he is. Roman is sure that on any other day during The Shield times, Dean would have just laughed it off.

These days, everything is either black or white. There is no more gray. He's either on Dean's shit list or not. Maybe he should ask Seth for advice, even though he'd rather cut his tongue off than admit that he doesn't have a clue how to handle Dean when he's in a dark place.

What happened to the cheerful, hyper guy Roman sat with on the bus in Japan? And why is Roman not able to tell them apart?

Half an hour later he still beats himself up because of this; for letting his brother go like that. He's a second away from calling Seth, asking or help or hopping into the car to drive around town to search for Dean. All this started with an apology and that's how it should end too.

This time he won't fuck up. He wants his brother back, no matter what it'll cost him. He's gonna sort this out. Not because he has to. No, because he wants it. His family means everything to him and Dean is a big part of it. Maybe even the biggest.

He just grabbed his keys when his phone goes off, Seth's ringtone echoing in the tiny hotel room. He delays the search for Dean in order to pick up the call. Getting some advice right here and now can never hurt.

'Hey,' he greets his kid brother, heart finally beating at a normal pace again. He's never realized how much he missed Seth's mediator skills until now. Even though Seth is the youngest of them, he's also the smartest and he knows what to do. He always does when it's about Dean. (Mostly because he's part of the problem in ninety percent of the cases.)

'Why is Dean standing in front of my hotel, screaming bloody murder?' Roman steps to the window, drawing back the curtain just to realize that he and Seth aren't residing in the same establishment anymore. 'What?' he answers a bit dumbfounded (while on the inside he's dancing happily, knowing that Dean sought out Seth and is safe).

Seth moans annoyed, like he is the one who has to deal with two morons on a daily basis – and not Roman – and just says, 'Listen to this.' Roman nods, as if Seth can see him and presses his ear against the phone to not miss a single sound.

He doesn't hear anything (except for a quiet and painful hiss – Seth isn't even bothering to hide his wounded knee) until there's a faint creak, indicating that a window is being opened. And then he knows what Seth means.

Dean's voice is croaky and far away but Roman can make out a lot of rage in it. Their brother really sounds like he wants to rip Seth apart. He can even catch what Dean is yelling at every lit up room of the hotel until Seth will show his face.

'Seth! _Seth_!' he draws out the word, making the name sound like a death threat. Roman takes a second to feel bad for his baby brother because the younger sadly knows what it's like to deal with those day in day out since he left The Shield.

'You will pay for what you've done. I'm gonna make you suffer. You hear me? Seth!' This is his fault, not Seth's. He has overstepped the fine line they had drawn and now Dean is seeking out the one person he can hate on without feeling bad for it.

(Though Roman knows he'll regret it later, the remorse making him feel even worse; throwing himself into an endless cycle of self-pity and self-flagellation.)

Someone Roman doesn't know suddenly screams back, 'Everyone can hear you, asshole! Now shut up!' Roman isn't sure if that person has a death wish or is just plain stupid to rile Dean up like this. He has to chuckle when his brother's voice resounds once again.

'You won't get rid of me that easily, Seth. I'm still the biggest thorn in your side!'

(Dean is always so impossibly sad when Seth posts something like this on Twitter, even though Roman now understands that it has been a warning in case Seth couldn't get a hold of his brother before Raw. Such tweets throw Dean back every time, making him doubt the intentions of his friend without being able to stop it.

All of their relationships are very fragile at the moment and things like this strain them to a point they might break with just one wrong word. The best example is what's happening right now because of Roman's confession.)

And that wipes the tender smile off his face, makes his knees give out. He has to sit down, head buried in his free hand, while his brother yells on, blaming and insulting Seth as if there's no tomorrow.

It's not just a show; there are no cameras to film it. Dean is ready to maim Seth because Roman disappointed him so much that he only saw one way out of this: destroying the real source of their pain.

'Dude, shut the fuck up,' the foreign, very angered man speaks up again, yelling even louder than Dean to make a point. 'There are people who want to sleep!' As if that would impress Dean. 'Piss off,' his brother retaliates, voice growing stronger and more aggressive. 'This has nothing to do with you. But please, give me a reason to change that.'

'Why?' Seth asks him, tiredness and disbelief fighting for dominance in that simple question. It's like he knows that he'll have to deal with this without Roman's help but has no clue how to survive the clash. Roman tries to let his voice sound confident and supportive when he says, 'I'm just glad to know he's with you.'

And not lying alone in some ditch, doing things he'd regret for the rest of his life.

Seth huffs a bit desperately, murmuring, 'First of all, thanks jerk. He's out to kill me. Second, how does he keep finding me, man? And third, he can't be here. Not tonight.'

_Well, first of all, you're welcome. Second, it's Dean. He'd find you even if you were hiding on Mars. And third, what does that mean?_ He really wants to talk back at his brother but his curiosity gets the better of him. So he asks, 'Why? What are you up to?'

What could possibly be so important to leave Dean outside, screaming and bothering everyone else? Seth usually is the first one to drop everything and run after their brother.

'I'm not alone,' he reveals and Roman's heartbeat stutters for a moment. He got that wrong, didn't he? Because his brain tries to convince him he's just heard Seth saying he's not alone. Their baby brother never once shared his hotel room with anyone else than Dean since they went their separate ways. Car pooling, yes, but Seth usually needs the time alone at night to recharge his douchebag-batteries.

'_What_?' Roman blurts out, the strength coming back to his limbs, so he can finally stand up again to pace the room. He can't believe Seth isn't alone right now. There's a list of names rattling in his head, each one more absurd than the last.

_Please, don't let it be Randy Orton_, Roman silently pleads. _Anyone but Randy. Don't let Dean see him with that person._ Seriously, his brothers are a pain in the ass sometimes.

'It's not– don't ask any question, okay?' Seth begs, a small whine reaching Roman's ears. He'd love to let this slip away unaddressed but Dean is right in front of the building, pumped up and ready to rip someone's head off, insecure and one setback away from jumping off the next bridge. So understandably, he needs to ask, 'Who is with you?'

Seth remains quiet, but it's not a stubborn silence. Roman can practically feel how his brother slowly come to the realization that he owes him that one. He holds his breath until Seth sighs and admits, 'Kane. He's in the shower. How the hell am I going to explain Dean being out there to him?'

The real question should be: How is he going to explain Kane in his room to Dean? And Roman seriously thought _he_ ruined Dean's night. Seems like Seth might beat him to that.

'Kane,' he repeats numbly, a part of him relieved that Seth isn't cuddling up with Orton, while the other one can't believe it's still someone of the Authority. What is Seth up to? And does he have a plan B in case he'll stand with his back against the wall once again?

'No questions,' Seth reminds him and Roman is willing to let go of this matter for now because there is still a raging Dean outside of Seth's room, and it'd be the other's death sentence if Dean lets anything confidential slip while he's screaming at the top of his lungs.

'So, why is Dean trying to kill me this time? Cause I didn't do anything wrong. Everything went according to plan. And we had a really nice time in Canada as well as some awesome matches in Japan.' 'Seth,' Roman interrupts the little monologue, a smirk ghosting over his face when Seth makes it sound as if Dean is always like this, as if he's already used to deal with the wild animal. It's kind of sad though.

'Relax, nothing happened,' Seth answers, his mind apparently still wrapped up in all the memories of that night. Roman knows already that Dean didn't let anything serious happen – his brother had told him right away – but it's really amusing to see how differently both of them react to that memory.

Dean has been distanced and also a bit proud of himself for remaining strong while Seth sounds like he missed out on _the one_ golden opportunity.

Okay, this is getting them nowhere and Dean is still pissing off the entire hotel, so Roman decides to cut this short. 'We had a little argument.' Seth clears his throat to drag himself back to reality and inquires curiously, 'About what?'

This is just like in the old times. Dean and Roman butt heads and Seth has to pour oil on troubled waters. It's good to know that some things never change, even though Roman would never admit that sometimes they do need their baby brother to make it through the day.

'I apologized for thinking he'd betray me. Us. For still doing so.' Seth groans loudly, making Roman feel like a fool for trying to patch their brotherhood again. 'Jesus, Rome, I can't be the glue for you two at the moment. I have already enough to be concerned about, don't make me worry about you too.'

Well, then he could share his doubts and let his brothers help him. Like telling Roman why Kane is in his hotel room. Or informing both of them when one gets ambushed by all Authority minions. It's Seth's own fault if he's too stubborn to ask for assistance. 'No one needs you to be our babysitter.'

'Oh, really?' comes the instant reply and Roman wants to throttle Seth for it. They both know very well that, in fact, Dean and Roman do. 'Just go out there and help him.' They can talk about this later, when things have calmed down. But then again, Roman won't be the one addressing this matter in the future voluntarily, because it just makes the fact very obvious that they need Seth in their family; that they're out of balance without him.

And Roman wants to prove to Seth that they can make it on their own. He might be as stubborn as a mule here, but it feels like a devastating defeat to admit that he completes them. Traitors don't get the luxury to hear how desperately they're being missed.

Seth probably already knows this but it's better not to say anything, so that Roman can decide when the right time to let the stray hound back into the pack has come.

'Help him,' Seth mocks Roman before heaving a long-suffering sigh, adding, 'I hate you guys so much right now.' No, he doesn't. Never has and hopefully never will. 'You want me to limp out there and get my guts ripped out.' Something like that.

Roman doesn't really have it in him to care about the condition of Seth's knee. First of all it's not like he's forcing Seth to jump out of the window and do a ninja roll – this is only about Dean, who's hurting more than both of them right now.

'I had to apologize.' He's not mad at himself for doing it. No, he's just a bit pissed that he did it _this_ way; insensitive and abrupt. Dean had no chance to prepare himself for what was about to come. And now he's alone with all of this conflicting emotions, his legs carrying him to the only person that can make the pain go away. Which is coincidentally also the one person that threw him into this inner turmoil in the first place.

'I get it,' Seth breathes and Roman can hear the window being closed again, Dean's voice vanishing into nothingness. 'There are still a lot of things that need an apology.' Damn right there are. Seth clears his throat again, this time a bit awkwardly, before he's confessing, 'Long story short: I thought it'd be him too. I was always afraid of him leaving us behind once he realized he's better off without us.'

They've all three been morons. Dean had probably been the only one not even thinking of anybody betraying anyone. Just because it's so ridiculous. Until Seth proved them wrong. Twice. Which reminds him that Seth still owes them an explanation.

Not tonight though.

'Sorry for interfering in your Kane-seduction,' he starts, showing his brother that he can make amends and that he should grow some balls to return the favor. But either Seth is too stubborn or too dumb to get the hint.

(Most likely his mind is already out there with Dean, coming up with a way to deal with this whole delicate situation. Roman knows he should cut the kid some slack, but he's still waiting for his apology. Sometimes he thinks Seth doesn't even want to mend things with him which makes him angry and sad at the same time.

They have been Tag Team Champions for a whole eternity, have fought with and for each other and that's all the thanks he gets? He'd take a bullet for both his brothers, but Seth only caring about Dean and their _are we or are we not_ relationship disappoints him a lot.

There's a voice in his head – sounding exactly like Seth –, complaining, _Now you're being unfair. I helped you into that ladder match at Money in the Bank. I gave Dean the match against Randy and ended it early, so you could interfere as well as retain your spot in the Fatal 4-Way_. And the voice is right, he knows, yet it still stings whenever Roman gets a text that informs him about this and that without those two little words wedged in between.

All he wants to hear is an _I'm sorry_. Is that really too much to ask for?)

'I wasn't trying to– you know what? It's okay. Dean is so much more important than this.' Whatever _this_ is (and it's definitely important if Seth is willing to surround himself with the enemy even in his off time), Dean should always come first. Seth can bet his life on that.

'Thanks. Send him back home.' Seth doesn't say anything for a few seconds, but Roman can hear the desperate words nonetheless. _I wanna go home too, Rome. Why can't he be home here with me?_ He won't have any of that. Dean might be in love with Seth, but he still belongs to Roman. Or, at least, at his side.

Seth has ruined that benefit for himself and now he has to earn it back again. The fact that Seth didn't voice all of this shows both of them that the younger knows exactly how huge Roman's grudge still is and how hard he'll have to fight for his rightful place in their brotherhood.

Seth can start with bringing Dean back home. Roman might not be the person Dean wants to see right now but he's the one that can calm his brother down without having to try very hard. Seth may be his soulmate, but Roman is Dean's best friend, his brother, and in the end family is all that matters.

Because whatever you do, no matter how badly you treat them, they're still always there for you; loving you unconditionally.

Dean has sought out Seth to deal with his rage and confusion, and Roman isn't even mad about that. But he knows very well that there's only so much of the other's presence Dean can bear at the moment and Roman has the sneaking suspicion that he's already exhausted all of his Seth resources.

He can hear a bed creaking and Seth asking him tiredly, 'Why is he here?' It's pretty obvious, isn't it? Seth is such a genius, smart little kid but he doesn't understand why Dean went to him in times of trouble? Okay, maybe he doesn't get it because Dean is screaming for his head on a pike but he should know deep down that there's only one answer to this question.

Dean most likely won't ever be able to say it and Roman doesn't want to be the one spilling the beans, which is why he proposes a question in return, just so that Seth can think about this a bit more thoroughly and come up with the right answer. 'You really want me to say it?'

He should have known better, to be honest. This is Seth after all and as intelligent as he may be, he's also a giant, impatient dork. So it's no surprise when his friend bursts out, without thinking twice about it, 'Yes, please.'

Roman rubs over his eyes, not knowing what to do. Seth needs an answer, deserves one, but he also deserves a good old-fashioned beating. It's not Roman's place to talk about things that might not even be true. Dean has never told him he loves Seth, but then again, he's never said he loves them as brothers either.

Roman just knows because, well because of all the things that have happened, the way Dean reacts to certain things. His brother won't say the words, but his actions always speak so much louder than a rushed and flustered _I love you_ ever could.

That's just Dean Ambrose. (He secretly believes that his best friend never had the chance to say that to anyone in the past or just never learned how to do it, so he kind of gave up; maybe even thought he'd never ever find someone he would want to confess his love to.

Until Seth and Roman stepped into his life. Roman can tell that Dean is trying but there's no guarantee that he'll ever be able to talk about his feelings the way Seth wants him to. Holy hell, all these thoughts just make him realize that he doesn't even know if Seth needs an _I love you_, or wishes for one in the future.

It's been so long since they've had a deep conversation about their private lives and Roman has to admit that he really misses that. He misses being the big brother for those two lovebirds. So maybe it's not his place or right but he still wants Seth to be happy.

'Because he loves you, you idiot.'

There's a pause on the other end of the line and Roman fears that Seth might have dropped the phone out of sheer shock. His voice is a bit shaky when he whispers ruefully, 'Threatening to kill me doesn't really equal a love confession.' No, it does. At least, when Dean Ambrose is the one doing it.

Things are always a bit (a lot) different with Dean. Which turns every damn day into an adventure.

There is only one more thing to say about that and even though it hurts to admit it, Roman won't deprive Seth of the truth. Roman had never been one to lie to people if it isn't absolutely necessary. 'He needs _you_ right now.' And not him. Roman has hurt Dean with his revelation, has thrown his mind back into the pit and for a very obvious reason only Seth can find him down there and drag him back into reality.

'Fine, hold on a sec,' Seth murmurs hurriedly and Roman can hear heavy footsteps in the background. Seems like Kane's shower is over. Man, Roman would love to be a fly on the wall for just this one night. Not only to know what Seth is up to but also to see what he'll do with Dean after they finish this call.

'Hey man, I'm really sorry but I need to head out for a while,' Seth says, voice strong and cocky once again. Roman has to give it to him, Seth really is a very good actor. He's even fooled him and Dean for a while. (Maybe he still is.)

While he listens to Kane asking Seth if he's okay, Roman changes quietly into some sweatpants, only briefly wondering if he should yell something to get Seth into trouble. But then again, that would only be fun if Dean would be here too.

'Yep,' Seth boasts, making Roman smile. 'There is just something I need to deal with.' He's just about to lie down when Kane says, 'You mean your brother outside, who's trying to get his hands on you?' Roman's heart starts fluttering against his ribcage, blood rushes through his veins at top speed and he trips over his own feet, landing face first on the mattress.

Kane has heard Dean (which yeah, shouldn't really surprise him because his brother has a very loud organ). Thankfully, Seth still knows how to play his role when it's most needed. 'Former business partner,' he replies automatically. 'And yes.'

Roman struggles a bit with the covers while trying to sit up again, chest still constricting painfully whenever he hears Seth calling them something other than brothers. Thank God that the kid can stay so levelheaded even when facing immediate danger.

Kane doesn't give up that easily though. As if he's testing the waters or trying to force Seth into making a mistake. 'Family can be a pain in the ass.' Seth doesn't even need a moment to shoot back (with an, admittedly, robotic voice), 'Former business partners.'

There's some rustling on the other end, as if Seth is searching for something. Roman doesn't move even a single muscle, not wanting to miss anything. 'You gonna whack him with that?' Kane asks out of the blue, making Roman wonder what Seth is– oh, of course. The only weapon at his disposal is the golden briefcase he won two weeks ago. But his baby brother is not really thinking about using it against Dean, right?

It's just some cover for blinding Kane. They've both had their fare share of getting hit with that thing but Dean got assaulted with it so many times that Roman has already lost count. The same goes for all the Piece of Minds Dean has had to endure ever since Seth broke up The Shield.

'I'm not gonna kiss him, that's for sure,' his brother responds, possibly smirking menacingly. What an excellent liar he is. It's a bit scary though. 'I'll be back in a few and then we can talk.' So Seth wants to talk to Kane. Well, that makes more sense than the things Roman had imagined. But about what? Authority business? What could possibly be so important that they can't speak about it during work and that Seth can't share it with his family?

'Take your time, boy. Family should always come first.' Roman is impossibly proud when Seth, once again, won't fall for the trap. 'Former business partners.'

This is the first time Roman has ever taken a second to think about all the sacrifices Seth makes each and every day just by being part of the Authority. The first time he realizes how miserable his brother must feel because he has to be someone he doesn't want to be.

He still thinks it's Seth's own fault but he also understands that his brother does deserve a break. He's giving his best to bring down the Authority, has to ignore his feelings, must attack his family to not risk his cover. Hell, he must even come up with reasons to keep them close, to get them this match and that thing, to make sure they stay in the spotlight.

Seth is doing so much more than simply trying to fix things; Roman has just needed a long time to get this epiphany.

'Sure,' Kane answers, and Roman can hear the smile in his voice as if he knows very well that Seth is lying. Which makes sense, since he and his brother aren't always on the same page too, but there still comes a time when the Undertaker and Kane join forces once more.

He can't believe how willingly Seth throws himself into this precarious situation. Kane is able to see through his facade if he wants to (and it feels like he might already have). Why is Seth tightening the noose around his neck by rooming with Kane? What does he want with him?

A door is being closed and featherlight, uneven steps echo through the phone. 'You sure he won't kill me?' Seth wants to know once he's out of Kane's earshot. 'Not really,' Roman says, shrugging slightly. It's pretty hard, almost impossible to predict Dean's next move.

Seth sighs, the single sound so miserable that Roman wants to hug him close for the first time since all of this started. 'We just made so much progress.' Well, it's not his fault that they're trying to build up a relationship in the wrong order. But it's also about time that Seth sees what he meant when he said he's worried about their brother.

It's getting out of hand and Roman needs help, some guidance, even though they're both lost. 'That's what I have to deal with every day since you left us.' It wasn't meant to be an accusation but it comes out as one nevertheless.

All these mood swings scare him sometimes, make him feel so helpless and like he got rendered superfluous. He gets that someone can't always be happy, but all these high highs and low lows are scaring him and he's afraid that one day Seth won't be enough to anchor and ground Dean again.

The light steps come to a halt, but Roman is pretty sure he's not yet outside. 'I'm sorry too.' This is it. The moment he has been waiting for all these weeks. He'd thought – hoped – it would make him feel better, but he still feels let down and betrayed. _Seems like a simple apology is not gonna cut it, kiddo_. 'I know.'

'This is all my fault,' Seth adds and Roman nods his head. No doubt about that. He lies back down to get maybe an hour or two of sleep once this call is over, so he can properly talk to Dean later. The sooner they clear this up for good the better. 'I know,' Roman repeats.

Seth moans and there's a huge possibility that he's pouting at the moment, but Roman won't make it that easy for Seth. He himself doesn't know what exactly he wants or needs from his brother – has always thought that those two words would help deal with the constant uneasiness – but maybe they can work this out together.

'You're supposed to say _it's okay, I'll forgive you_.' Roman never said he wants Seth to apologize because he needs absolution. Roman isn't angry. No, he's disappointed. But the longer he thinks about this, he realizes that there is nothing to forgive, simply because it seems like he already has. He won't forget though. 'Just bring Dean back home.' That's the first step to a redemption Seth doesn't need but wants anyway.

'I'll try.' No, no, no. His baby brother has fucked up once big time. No more trying and maybes. 'Not good enough.' The silence that follows speaks volumes. Roman can practically feel how determination slowly runs through Seth's body, his despair making him only stronger. 'I will,' he promises and Roman smiles proudly. Now that's better.

The footsteps continue again, a door is being opened and Roman hears Seth taking in a deep breath before he sends a small prayer to the heavens and speaks up – for some reason not ending the call (as if he likes the option to turn to Roman if things get too hairy), 'Dean, what are you doing here? You can't be here. Not tonight.'

There is no answer from Dean, just a really loud smacking sound. He doesn't need Seth to gasp surprised to understand that Dean just hit their brother in the face. Wow, seems like everything already has gone off the rail. He really wouldn't want to be in Seth's shoes right now.

It is kind of nice to watch (or listen to) Seth picking up the pieces for a change; that's usually his job because Dean and Seth are two adorable buffoons who know no boundaries. And who are also certain that Roman will fix everything because he's the big brother and wants to protect his family at all costs.

On the inside, he cheers for Dean, wishes he'll throw one more punch for Roman. Seth probably wouldn't like that so much. 'Okay, I guess I deserve that – just like all the others,' Seth whimpers, voice suddenly sounding like it's coming out of an old radio. Roman has to hold his breath to not miss even a single word.

'I just don't know why I–' And there is the second blow as well as something heavy hitting the ground. Either Seth landed on his knees (which... ouch) or the briefcase lost its fight against gravity. Whatever it was, just listening to it makes Roman snicker satisfied. He really loves his brother so much. (Both of them.)

So does Seth, but he's not so happy about it right now. Roman gets it, he wouldn't want to get punched all the time by his family either. But then again, he gets to ambush Dean almost on every show, as well as taking him out with a curb stomp. The Shield has always been about justice and if Dean wants to deliver it like this, who is Roman to deny him that simple wish?

'God dammit, Dean. Words are a fucking thing, you know?' Seth bitches and Roman presses the mobile phone closer to his cheek even though that won't help even one bit if the reception is bad. There is a lot of cracking and rustling going on and Roman fears he'll miss out on the really good part of this seemingly one-sided conversation.

(He's sure it could help him in the future if he knows what Seth does to bring Dean back even though he's seen all of his tricks in the past two years already. But as soon as Roman attempts to perform them, they fail. No matter how hard he tries. It can't just be because of their romance thing, right?)

Finally Dean's voice rings out and Roman exhales relieved, all of the pent-up tension leaving his body. He doesn't care that Dean is threatening Seth; not right now. Because in this very moment the most important thing is that Dean is still able to form coherent thoughts. As long as he can think straight, he won't have to explain a beheaded, mutilated corpse to the police in the morning.

Hopefully.

'You fucking piece of shit, I'm gonna–' Dean yells completely furious, voice rough and as deep as it can get; all of this making Roman's skin crawl. (He should help Seth, but unfortunately he's not Dean. He has no clue how to find his brothers. But in the worst case, Seth can always run back to Kane, right?)

There's a loud bang and then the line goes completely dead. He listens to the loud _toot toot toot_ until his own phone disconnects, legs already carrying him to the car outside. He has no clue where to start his search but he knows he won't ever forgive himself if he doesn't at least try to find them.

It's not fair to leave Seth alone, dealing with a pissed off Dean and a suspicious Kane at the same time. Roman hasn't been able to prevent anything on Raw tonight, but he'll be damned if he can't save his youngest brother from any threat (as familiar as that may be).


	20. i burn like the sun, sway like the sea

Phew, this one was a close call. I was afraid I wouldn't make it until Battleground. (Which, holy shit, I'm so excited for their match!) But here it is. A huge thanks and shout out to orchid_spiral (AO3) and RaMinah for giving me a nice idea and being supportive and providing me with inspirational stuff. That being sad, I'll leave you to your own devices now XD Have fun!

* * *

There he finally is, limping pretty badly out of the main entrance of the hotel (and it's still a rather run-down one, which kinda disappoints him, since he was so sure that Seth would use the money of the Authority to live the life of the rich and famous or some pompous shit like that), that stupid briefcase in his hand.

He's not thinking about using it against Dean once more, is he? Because then Mr Money in the Bank can prepare himself to get his ass kicked. Which is exactly why Dean is here anyway, so it really doesn't matter if he wants to swing it at him or not.

Dean has come to finally rearrange that face and he won't go until the deed is done. Until Seth is lying on the cold hard ground, bleeding and whimpering and begging for him to stop. Until his _brother_ puts Dean's world back into its rightful place.

Roman's words are still echoing inside his head, adding insult to injury with each repetition, letting his anger flare up anew each time his friend says _you_. It would be him.

They've all bet their money on him turning on his brothers. Because Dean Ambrose is a jerk, an asshole, a lying, filthy animal that doesn't know what loyalty is. What brotherhood really means.

Because Seth Rollins is so cute, what a sweet little ninja puppy. How dare you say he could walk out on his family not only once but twice? Hell freezes over before that happens.

And Roman? No, he's the protector, the stable one. He's their conscience, the backbone of The Shield. Yeah, no, he would never stab his best friends in the back, he's just too nice and responsible for doing such an ugly thing.

But Dean? Dean, stupid little Dean Ambrose, the scum of the earth, the lunatic, unpredictable one? Totally, man; he's the odd one. He was born and raised in some shithole and that's where he'll end up one day again. Does he even know what unity means? Has he even the slightest idea how it is to love somebody? If it's someone it's gotta be Dean. There's no place for crazy chaos in this world.

He's so fucking sick of people telling him who he's supposed to be and what he can or can't do. He's tired of proving them wrong time and time again. No matter what he does, it's never good enough; always a bit over the top, too much of this and not enough of that.

He couldn't even be the US Champion without people talking shit about him, saying he didn't deserve the title or the record he set. And the worst part? His brothers had been part of that group.

Just like they now slap him in the face repeatedly with admitting that they always counted on him walking out on them. Is it that hard to trust him? Has he ever given them any reason to not do it? Has he let them down just once?

He might be someone that's hard to understand because he uses to change his mind a lot or act a tiny bit erratic once in a while. He's vicious, moody and aggressive, hell, Dean is perfectly aware of that, but he's never once hurt his own family.

(Not on purpose, at least. Sometimes one can't prevent it in the ring – just ask Roman, who fucking speared him, painfully squashing his insides. Or his former business parter, who's limping towards him right now, that stupid ugly briefcase in hand, and who has curb stomped his brain into oblivion in the past six weeks because of his _cover_. Yeah, sure, cover his ass.)

Seth doesn't try to whack him with the case (not yet anyway), and instead just hisses urgently, 'Dean, what are you doing here? You can't be here. Not tonight.' He can't be– Didn't he just put it straight how much he fucking hates being told what he can't do?

Seth Rollins is the last person to tell him he has hit the brick wall. Dean doesn't even have to think about an appropriate answer, he just lets his fist speak for itself. Okay, so _maybe_ he deliberately hurt one of his brothers too, but it's not like Seth isn't asking for it.

First he makes Dean fall for him, then he runs away as soon as Dean wants to commit himself to Seth just to hoodwink Roman and him after one of the best nights in their lives. And now he plays this stupid game of cat and mouse with them, gives them vital information without ever telling enough, attacks him cowardly from behind just to tell him afterwards how sorry he is or how great Dean has played along.

As if there has ever been any doubt that Dean Ambrose won't get the job done.

But this is not about him. This is about Seth leaving them, breaking them and not being able to diffuse all of Dean's doubts. Seth could still mess with them and they wouldn't even know because they aren't around long enough to be able to get a good idea of Seth's true intentions.

He could still give them a runaround, laughing about their stupidity with his Authority buddies behind their back and Dean and Roman won't ever know until Seth stabs them again in the back, making it plain obvious that they're just damn pawns that are too attached to their little brother to see his true colors.

Dean has made the mistake of trusting the wrong kind of people in the past. He has vowed to himself to never do it again. Sadly, he made an exception for his brothers in arms and look where that got him.

'Okay, I guess I deserve that – just like all the others,' Seth groans, holding his jaw with his free hand and Dean hopes he's broken it. If not, there's always more where that one hit came from. Seth really has a very punchable face and Dean wants to be the one ruining it.

Brown, sad puppy eyes try to wear him down but Dean is too far gone to even realize how Seth intends to manipulate him. (Which might be a good thing for once.) As soon as he gets that it's in vain, Seth sighs, fingers still working on his jaw. 'I just don't know why I–'

He's had enough. Seth knows perfectly well why Dean should punch him straight into hell and back again, each day for the rest of their lives. So he does it once more, hitting Seth square in the face. Damn, that feels good. He's even able to let got of some of the tension in his body, able to release a bit of the poison fogging up his mind ever since Roman called him a good candidate for being a traitor too.

'God dammit, Dean. Words are a fucking thing, you know?'

Seth is fed up with his behavior, using the golden briefcase to push it against Dean's chest and guide them behind some bushes, like he doesn't want to be seen with Dean in public. Like he's ashamed of him. Great, this night just keeps getting better and better.

There's a tiny trail of blood on Seth's chin and something inside of Dean calms down at the sight of it (it may be his soft, weak side; the one that still has feelings for this piss poor excuse of a friend).

Why use words when his actions speak so much louder? But if Seth wants them, he shall get some. 'You fucking piece of shit, I'm gonna,' he all but screams, grabbing Seth by the shoulders to push him back against the thorny hedges, hoping – praying – they will sting and burn him like all the insults he has to listen to on a daily basis, as well as Roman's confession that hurts so fucking much that Dean hasn't been able to think straight since he stormed out of their hotel room.

He's never felt so let down in his entire life. Seth leaving them didn't damage him as badly as Roman saying in his face that all these years he's never fully trusted him. He can handle people he... he cares about leaving because that's what they always do. In the end, they leave as soon as they have enough of putting up with him.

What he can't deal with are people he considers his fucking family – and he's only ever let Roman and Seth into his little bubble of despair and violence, let them tame him and liking it – telling him they've just fooled around a bit, never meant any of it. He's said it once and will never get tired of repeating it: he can't stand people he trusts lying to him.

How the hell is he supposed to believe in any of them yet another time? He's just started to get closer to Roman once more, has opened up after shutting himself away when Seth turned on them. Again. He can't go through all of this over and over. Dean is a fighter, never gives up but there is one exception to this rule.

He doesn't care how hard he gets beaten down, how many scars a fight will leave on his body, how much blood he's losing. But as soon as a close friend attacks the one thing Dean _can't_ protect around them – because he has had blind faith in Roman and Seth ever since they became brothers and never even thought for once second that they would turn on him like everyone else – he falls back into old habits; mind shutting off, despair and hopelessness the only thing rushing through his veins.

Family has always been his weak spot. Simply because he has never had one until Seth and Roman stepped into his life.

Dean had been dead sure he could very well live without one, that he didn't need anyone; but without Roman or Seth he can't breathe properly, he's confused and more like a rabid, wounded animal, throwing punches left and right, losing his grip on reality.

And he absolutely _hates_ how vulnerable he suddenly is, how he questions every little thing. Every day is like a whole now story, each one ending with a cliffhanger or a plot twist.

He's staring into a familiar face but he doesn't know if it's just another game. One moment he's sure Seth is finally telling the truth and as soon as he turns around he gets ambushed again. His mind is crumbling to pieces and there's no one to help him glue it back together.

'D-Dean,' Seth croaks, face an ugly shade of red. He doesn't understand what's going on, why Seth seems to be having trouble speaking until his gaze slides down a bit and he sees his hands tightly wrapped around his brother's throat. He lets go instantly and takes a few steps back, at a complete loss what to do.

He's never lashed out on his family, always made sure to take out all of his pent-up ire and hate on himself. And yet he just tried to strangle the one person he–

'I... I should go,' he mutters, not even able to recognize his own voice – it sounds troubled, child-like, dazed – but Seth just grabs him by the arm and shakes his head. There is no sadness in his eyes, no rage. Only fondness and understanding. Seth is a better man than Dean could ever hope to be.

'I know what happened tonight with you and Rome,' he says, fingers moving upwards to rub over his neck, but Seth stops himself at the very last moment, not wanting to make Dean feel any worse. He doesn't understand why he won't apologize. He should. It's common decency to do so after trying to squeeze the life out of your friend.

'Ro is not the problem,' is all that comes out of his mouth though. He's a fucking moron. Seth means everything to him and he can't even force himself to say he's sorry? And what the hell is he doing here anyway? Defending Roman like this, when his big brother is the sole reason he came here to sentence Seth for destroying the one good thing in his life.

Seth nods knowingly, setting down the briefcase and fishing out his mobile phone. He takes one quick look at it, brows furrowing, before he puts it back into his pocket. 'I know,' he finally says, dragging himself over to the wall to sit down.

His brother coughs and wipes over his eyes as if he wants to get rid of the tears that were threatening to spill out earlier. The simple gesture makes Dean feel sick, lets his temper rise infinitely. He starts walking around in circles, trying to get rid of the guilt choking him. It doesn't work.

Seth opens his stupid case and grabs something, throwing it at Dean as soon as they face each other again. He catches it easily. 'You're carrying around candy in that ugly thing?' His friend shrugs and opens one of his nutrition bars while Dean rips open the chocolate to sink his teeth in it.

'Wanna talk about it?' Seth offers, speaking with a full mouth like he doesn't need any manners around Dean. Like he can just be himself without worrying to get judged for it. Dean wants to believe that this Seth – _his_Seth – still exists but there is always a part of him, a nasty annoying voice in his head telling him he's just delusional and fooling himself.

Seth has left him for a reason. It's all been plan B. Everything is part of some scheme these days. Who can assure him that seducing Dean isn't? That it's what Seth truly wants? Last time Dean was ready to give Seth what he craved for, the other ran away like the scared chicken shit he is.

They eat their bars in silence, Seth sitting on the cold ground, rubbing over his tweaked knee while Dean prowls around, watching his brother out of the corner of his eyes. It's weirdly peaceful, even though there's still blood trickling down Seth's chin and Dean's chest feels too tight.

Seth licks his fingers after he's done, something he always does (and Dean should be used to it by now), but the sight still manages to throw him off his track. He follows his brother's tongue with his gaze, sees the wet trails shimmer in the dim light of the street lamps.

Before he can think twice about it, he throws away the rest of his chocolate and falls down on his knees in front of Seth – who looks at him with big, dark and innocent eyes, awe and astonishment dancing over his face – to grab him by the wrists and slam them against the wall, head diving forward to crush their lips together.

He can taste the blood on Seth's tongue, together with their different bars and wants more. Wants to ravage his brother's mouth, leave Seth bruised and begging for more in the one second and for Dean to stop in the other. But Seth just moans deliciously, trying to turn this into some sweet and affectionate smooching bullshit.

That's not what Dean is here for though, so he bites down on Seth's bottom lip, drawing even more blood from the cracked up part before he pushes Seth away roughly to get up again.

This is driving him insane. He has no clue why Seth has such a huge affect on him, why he wants to hug and decimate his friend at the same time. Mostly, he doesn't understand how he can hate the other's guts and still want to be as close as possible to Seth. (Truth is, he does but he chooses to not think about it.)

Dean craves intimacy – a different one than he has with Roman – and he knows (fears) where that path will eventually lead him.

To those three words he's never said to someone in earnest. To the realization that there's something in his life missing if Seth is not there to light up the day. To Dean committing himself to something he's never experienced before. He's not sure he's ready for trying it again so soon after Seth brusquely cut off his first attempt.

But he's maybe willing to spend the night here, just to be in the arms of the one he needs the most right now.

'Let's go to your room,' he suggests, holding out a hand to help Seth up on his feet. His friend smiles whimsically for a too short moment and dread is starting to pool in his stomach at that sight. Seth's hesitation is strange, considering that so far he's been the one to push things further at any possible chance.

'Dean, this is all kinds of confusing and awesome but I can't let you go upstairs.' He what? Is it because of the punches he threw at him? Seth might not start a fan club for them but he's not nearly as pissed of for receiving them as Dean had expected.

He has to ask, has to make sure he didn't mess up Seth's brain when it connected with the wall behind him. 'Are you out of your mind? You're rejecting this offer? Cause I won't make it again.' Seth nods slowly, lips twisting into a sad pout. 'I'm already hating myself for it, but I have to.' The fuck?

For six weeks he's pining over Dean, tries to woo him in every possible way, has never wastes just one opportunity to get Dean into his bed. No matter if they only cuddle or fool around a bit. And now, as soon as Dean proffers it himself, he's once again rejecting him? (What a horrible deja-vu that is.)

Did he say something that ticked him off? Is he suddenly not good enough, not worthy of his precious time? Not attractive or lovable enough? '_Fine_,' he concludes, already at the point of kicking Seth's face in with his boots, taking a few steps back to distance himself from that spineless lackey again.

Seth throws up his hands in defeat and tries to get up, but just hisses loudly when he puts too much weight on his bad knee, falling back to the earth like the useless sack of potatoes he is. 'No, Dean, it's not what you think. There is– I have– I'm not alone tonight.'

'What?' That's even worse than his brother telling him he doesn't want Dean anymore. Seth has never invited someone into his hotel room since he broke their family apart. Has sworn to him that he needs his time alone in the nights, so he can let go of the person he is playing and just be himself for a while.

And now he's giving all of that up just like this? And he's not even ashamed to admit it? Dean is going to kill that unfaithful kid and whoever is up there and he will enjoy every second of it.

(It's amazing how he's not even angry at Roman anymore. Coming here definitely has been a mistake – as he can clearly see now – but it was also the wisest decision he could have made in his state of mind. Seth always manages to suavify his ire, even if it changes into bloodlust.)

'I'm not alone,' Seth repeats, as if Dean is too stupid to understand. 'I heard you the first time. I just wanted you to take those words back,' he snaps, hands balling into fists. Seth watches the tiny movement with horror written all over his face and shakes his head at him. 'Don't freak out, it's all part of the game.'

Yeah, sure. That's what he'd say too if he were in Seth's position. How stupid does his brother think he is? Why can Seth never come to him like a man and admit things in his face. He didn't try to talk to them when he decided to break away from them, didn't say, 'Hey, bro, I love working with you but I guess it's time to try make a name for myself. Oh, and just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship yet.'

And now he can't just declare that he's someone with certain needs and if Dean is too stubborn to satisfy them, then he has to turn to somebody else. It's as easy as that. All Dean wants is honesty, especially after all the lying that's been going on since probably forever.

Dean cracks his fingers, so he won't pummel Seth into the wall until he's covered in the other's intestines and asks, 'What plan?' 'I can't tell you yet.' No, of course he can't. Seth only ever tells them what they already can see with their own eyes or what benefits himself.

He's been so stupid, wishing for a day where he could trust Seth explicitly again. When will he finally learn that he was born alone and that's the way it'll end one day too? The fewer people he lets into his life, the lesser he will get hurt by them. That's a lesson he took to heart so dearly in his childhood. Why did he ignore that truth as soon as he found the two people he's always wanted as a part of his life?

It's not desperation (even though it feels a lot like it) when he asks, 'Who is it?' To his own surprise there is no anger in his voice. It actually sounds flat and oh-so-tired of life. Seth hears it too, tries to beg him not to dig any deeper with a sad, slightly warningly, 'Dean.'

But they're long past all this crap, can cut right to the problem at hand. 'Who. Is. It.' Just burying Seth's stinking cadaver in the desert won't be good enough. He needs to destroy that person in his so-called brother's room. Needs to look into the face of the person that tried to steal his friend from him while he beats the living hell out of them.

Seth looks up at him with his stupid pleading eyes, urging him, 'Don't take this the wrong way, okay?' What wrong way? There is only one way to take this. It's clear that Seth is tired of Dean playing hard to get. Which isn't even a game. It's just Dean trying to understand his own feelings, to find out his own pace.

He remains silent, eyebrows drawn up, mouth pressed into a thin line. Seth better spits out a name soon, or Dean will run into that shithole of a hotel and bang on every door until he finds Seth's room and God help his brother if there's a face he knows very well staring right back at him.

Seth sighs defeated and lowers his gaze, as if he's ashamed that Dean caught him in the act. Oh no, it's gonna be a name he's heard a million times already, isn't it? If it's Randy coming out of Seth's mouth next, he'll rip his head off right here, right now.

'It's Kane.'

Dean's first reaction is to slam his fist into that unruly beard as hard as he can, satisfaction running through his veins when Seth spits out some blood, tears shooting into his eyes. Being the cream puff he is, Seth doesn't even try to fight back, just sits there and lets Dean's uncontrollable wrath wash over him.

'What the fuck is going on in that sick brain of yours?' Dean screams, still not giving a damn about any of the residents of the hotel. He's ready to take on everyone who crosses him tonight. Especially now that he knows that Seth went to the Big Red Fucktard to get his daily dose of dick.

'Just because I won't bang you or allow you to screw me until I'm a hundred percent sure you're serious about us, you go around and grab the next best thing like a fucking whore?' Finally Seth's rage seems to come to life too, the dark eyes staring him down. If looks could kill, Dean would be dead right now.

'Say that again,' Seth grits out, trying to get up once more, so he can throw some punches back at Dean. Seems like he has struck a nerve there. Good. But he really doesn't need to repeat those words. And actions speak so much louder, don't they?

So he grips Seth by the shoulder and drags his former brother up himself to push him hard against the wall, before he smacks him once more. Simply because he's able to listen to his heart break all over again and he'd sworn to himself he wouldn't let Seth do that yet another time.

He's not just hitting him in the face by now. Dean is throwing punches at every inch of Seth's body he can get access to, kicking the injured knee for good measure in between and picking his brother up whenever he's about to fall down or double over.

There's the deafening thrumming of his blood rushing through his veins, drowning out all other sounds. His vision is blurry, everything out of focus, except for Seth, who's yelling at him now at the top of his lungs. Dean needs a few seconds to concentrate enough on the other's voice to be able to hear what he's saying.

'I'm not fucking him!' As soon as he finally hears the words he lets go of Seth, watching his brother fall down to the ground, coughing and wheezing and trying to shield his weakened body with his arms from a possible second attack. 'I never would.'

Seth can say a lot, can even claim he's God's last gift. Dean won't make the same mistake for trusting him yet again. He's done with that.

'And would you please stop beating me up?' Seth begs, holding his hopefully badly hurting knee (because it's just fair that Seth will go into Battleground with an injury Dean can work on too). Dean is tempted to jump on it, break Seth's leg into half just because he can, but his body won't move.

He just stands over his brother and watches him writhe in pain. This is what he wants for Sunday too, has wanted for so long now. Pathetically sappy feelings or not, Dean still wants to make Seth pay for what he did to The Shield, to his family. Until the other finally understands that he hasn't only cracked their brotherhood, but also Dean.

Everything had been perfect for once. His whole life had made sense and then Seth took that away from him, cut him open and ripped his heart out. No matter what happens in the future, where Dean and Seth will end up, he'll never be able to forget that. It will forever stand between them.

If Seth wants a way back in, he'll have to prove his own worth every God damn day over and over again.

His brother shoots him a crooked smile, all anger gone without Seth ever fighting back. What the hell? He didn't smack Dean just once, didn't even try to. How disappointing.

But then again, it lets Dean hesitate when he leans down to drag Seth back up. His hands stop in mid-air, the thought alone freezing his whole body. _Seth didn't fight back_. Which is all kinds of unusual, since he loves to curb stomp Dean into hell every day during work. Seth always attacks him from behind, interferes in his matches and whacks him with that briefcase. Dean can't count on many things these days, but Seth fucking with him in the worst way isn't one of them.

So, the only logical conclusion is that Seth simply _doesn't want_ to fight back. Because he refuses to hurt Dean. Because Dean means something to him. Because this right now is not a scheme. But if it isn't– No, it can't.

'You're such a jerk sometimes, you know that?' Seth groans, crawling back to the stony surface of the hotel, tone light and fond and just slightly weary. There is a gentle smile on his face, even though it's smeared with his own blood, brown eyes twinkling in the moonlight. 'Should make me wonder why I want you in my life so badly. But it doesn't.'

_But it doesn't._

Seth tries to tell him he wants Dean in his life – batshit crazy, violent, aggressive, the good and the bad, the whole deal – and for some reason he believes his brother. Maybe because he desperately wants to. Seems like Seth hasn't lied when he said he loves Dean.

There still won't tumble a simple apology out of his own mouth; Dean has no words left after realizing all of this, so he just helps Seth sit up again and watches his panting friend for a while, almost scrutinizing him. He's trying to find the smallest hint of a lie in the other's words but there isn't one.

Seth's face is open, bruised and as honest as it can be. It's enough to convince Dean (at least for tonight) that he's telling the truth. About Kane, about wanting Dean as his partner, about Seth still being their baby brother.

When he presses his lips on the other's it's still rough and more brutal than he intended to, but Seth doesn't seem to mind. Dean can even _feel_ the smug smile dancing over Seth's face before a tongue sneaks its way into his mouth.

As nice as this might be, Dean is not yet done with his brother. And he wants to do this on his conditions. So he lays a hand on Seth's chest and gently pushes the other away from him, but making sure that his friend is within reach at any time.

'I want him on Smackdown.' He doesn't ask for this favor. Dean demands it and there is nothing Seth can say or do to change his mind. Seth might not be screwing Kane, but the other is still messing with the wrong guy when he shares a room with his– his brother.

Seth wipes away the blood on his chin and ties his hair into a tiny bun, all the while grimacing as if he's having a heated argument with himself. 'Dude, life isn't always a bowl of cherries,' he eventually mutters, massaging the tweaked knee with slick movements. It reminds Dean of how much he misses someone (Seth) to ease the pain in his shoulder.

'I said, I want him on Smackdown,' he fumes, not willing to back down from this. His friend shakes his head once, and Dean can see it written all over his face that he assumes Dean still believes they're getting some nookie. 'Seriously, Dean, there is nothing–' 'Don't make me repeat myself,' he cuts his brother off while staring him down, leaving no doubt that he's serious about that.

Seth closes his eyes for a while, as if he's counting to ten in his head to not flip his shit. Dean kinda wishes he'd let it all out too, to even the odds. But Seth chooses to rather listen to reason and not to the animalistic instincts Dean has been trusting all his life.

'Alright,' the younger finally agrees, shoulders sagging down as if he'd wanted to have Dean all for himself on Thursday. 'But you know that I'll aid him no matter what.' Yeah, yeah, to keep up this stupid game and to not expose himself. If he won't attack him from behind again, Dean will give his best to not make it easy for Seth. 'Well, you can try.'

They both know that Dean will be outnumbered which won't stop him from fighting back as they've witnessed earlier tonight. He's very proud to say he can take all the beating in the world and would still run his mouth, demand more. Dean gets off on pain, needs it to feel alive. Pain makes him human, stronger.

'I really don't want to curb stomp you.' It's too late for that now, isn't it? Dean feels like he's been on the receiving end of hundreds of them, none of them able to give him a _peace of mind_. (And isn't it a shame that no one calls it like this anymore? Dean has always preferred that name over Curb Stomp or Black Out, because it is so ironic.)

'I can take it.' It's not just an empty promise, Dean could take all of them, on top of every Chokeslam and Tombstone Piledriver the world has to offer and still scramble to his feet afterwards because nothing can keep Dean Ambrose down. Nothing and no one other than Dean himself.

Seth doesn't say anything to this, just looks up at the starry sky. 'So, what's with you and the Big Red Goofball?' His brother winces slightly, tilting his head pleadingly. 'Don't call him that. And it's just business. Maybe an alliance thing. I'm not sure yet.' Did Seth just break his own code to tell him a tiny part of his plan?

Seems like it. So Seth is striving for a business relationship (which makes no sense, since both are already part of the Authority) with Kane. That's still better than imagining his friend sharing his bed with the Slow-Mo guy. Wait, they did book two queens for the night, right?

'If he touches you,' Dean starts to blare out a threat but Seth just laughs heartily for the first time tonight and drags Dean down to him, so they both can lean against the building. 'Aren't you cute?' he asks while shamelessly grabbing Dean's hand to entwine them. 'I can take care of myself. You on the other hand should go home now. Rome is worried about you.'

Oh, so this is why he's kept his calm the whole time. Ro begged their little brother to talk some sense into him. He should have known that Roman would call Seth because he's at a complete loss how to deal with Dean's moods that change faster than even he himself can keep up with.

(The last time he felt like this, he'd been on drugs and it scares him that he can't do anything to control this. Sometimes he even fears he'll wake up one day to find out he's still hooked, having dreamed to be clean and part of Roman and Seth's life; only hallucinated to be happy.)

'Worried,' he spits the word out, knowing full well that Roman is always concerned about their well-being. That's just something he can't turn off and on his good days Dean doesn't want him too. It's pretty nice to know there's someone out there looking out for him; someone he can return the favor to by rushing into the ring to say thanks by saving him.

But right now, he feels crushed by Roman's care because he still hears his words in his head. _It would be you_. Before his mind can push him into the abyss, Seth starts ripping off the tape that's still on both of his hands very tenderly, voice barely above a whisper when he tries to soothe Dean. 'We all made some mistakes. He just tried to apologize for his. You know why he did that?'

Of course he does. So that he has a clear conscience. 'No,' Seth strongly disagrees. Dean didn't even realize he's said that out loud. 'He did that because he _wanted_ you to know. Wanted the two of you to come clean, so you could start anew. He cares about you. A lot. Come on, you know him, he's improved a lot but he's still not the best talker out there. He made a mistake but he only had the best intentions.'

As if Dean doesn't already know all of this. But that alone doesn't automatically make everything better. Roman has implied with those four words that he's never fully trusted him, has always just anxiously waited for Dean to bail on them.

He can deal with everyone else thinking he'd be the one to commit treason, but Roman and Seth are different. Family is supposed to have blind faith in each other. That's what Dean has had in them too. 'Stop making excuses for him.' Seth snickers, giving him a small kiss on the head, just like Roman always does. Dean can't tell if it's Seth falling into old habits or his brother trying to soften him up.

'I'm not, because it's the truth.' 'I don't believe you,' Dean shoots back, eyes still fixed on Seth's fingers removing the white tape before they start their work on the black one underneath. 'Yeah, why should you?' his brother sighs, sadness evident in voice and eyes.

'Don't try to turn this on me,' Dean defends himself. It's not his fault that Seth walked out on them twice, which caused a lot of mistrust and doubt to start to spread in each and every one of them. Dean – the one who, in the past, would have rather taken his own life instead of allowing himself to like someone so much that he can't live without them – has never once lied to them. Hasn't even thought about it.

It never crossed his mind, to be completely honest. Family shouldn't be dishonest with each other.

Seth nods thoughtfully, cradling Dean's hand in his own while whispering slowly, 'Just... Dean, he loves you. You're his brother and he needs you as much as you need him. You don't have to trust him right now, but there is a part of you that wants it, that never stopped doing so. You can lie to me, but please don't lie to yourself.'

'I'm not–' he starts, but Seth can see right through him. 'Yes, you are. Dean, I know you better than anyone.' That... might actually even be true. His brother may not know all about Dean's past but he has seen him at his best and worst. He really knows Dean by heart, has probably even made it his mission in life to learn everything about him.

Dean isn't sure how he's supposed to feel about that.

'Don't you dare say now that I'm incapable of having healthy relationships.' Seth just shakes his head, grimacing as if the sole idea of that is ridiculous. There's an arm sneaking around his shoulders so that Seth can pull him in closer. Dean lets him.

He doesn't have it in him to start a fight again. (And Seth would most likely end up in a hospital if he would. No, Dean will take out all of his anger at Battleground. Put his ire where it belongs: in the ring.)

'You're so hurt _because_ you love him.' 'I don't–' He automatically tries to cut Seth off but stops himself, knowing he walked right into the trap, proving to Seth once again that he really knows how Dean ticks. His brother lays his head on Dean's right shoulder, playing around with his hand; turning this moment into a rare and special one.

How does he keep doing that? Dean came here to settle the score and now they're sitting on the stony ground in peaceful quiet, one second away from cuddling in almost-public (they're still hidden by the hedges), Seth talking some pretty smart (and true) stuff so Dean will listen to reason. No matter how murderous Dean' intentions were when he walked here, his brother never once fails to turn those feelings around.

'It's okay, Dean,' Seth mollifies him immediately. 'Really, it's fine. You don't have to say it if you can't. And Rome already knows because of how you reacted tonight. If you wouldn't care so deeply for him, you'd have laughed it off while on the inside you'd hold a grudge for the rest of your life. But you decided to let it out. You came to _me_.'

There's pride in his friend's voice and so much relief that Dean feels a bit smothered by it. Seth just got the confirmation he apparently needed that no matter what, Seth is still Dean's anchor. He can't deny it, doesn't want to change it but that does not mean that he'll make it that easy for Seth. So he answers, 'Which was obviously a mistake.'

But it's like telling a kid it shouldn't do this or that, knowing by the big fat grin that the stupid child will do it anyway. Just like Seth knows that Dean doesn't mean what he just said. They're both glad they can still go to the other whenever they're in trouble or need a shoulder to lean on. And that includes Roman too.

'You're the only one thinking so,' Seth answers in a sing-song, waking up the stubborn side of Dean once again while putting the wrathful one to sleep. 'I can't believe I came here,' he sighs a bit too dramatically, if Seth's chuckling is anything to go by.

'There's a reason for that too.' Of course he has to rub it in, has to prod and bother until Dean will finally say those words Seth is desperately waiting for. But he isn't ready for them yet. At least not for the serious version. He can very well spit them out wrapped up in sarcasm and scorn.

'If you're going to say it's because I love you, I will murder you right now, cut you into tiny pieces and throw them into that briefcase, sending it back to your pimp.'

Seth has enough self-preservation to not point out that Dean does indeed have feelings for him and that's the main reason he ran straight into his arms. Instead he settles for an also very true, 'You're here because you're used to come to me whenever you and Roman have a fight.'

Actually, it's more like Seth always used to break up the fights, throwing himself in the line of fire to keep his brothers from killing each other. But that's not why Dean jogged all the way here, leaving behind a trail of destruction (in the form of turned over trash cans, broken benches and anything loose that Dean could get his hands on) and Seth should better not forget that they still aren't on the best terms, no matter what a good time they might have had in between.

'I'm here so I could punish you for all the things you've done.' Bottom of the line is, Dean stormed out of his hotel room, ran away from Roman because his big brother hurt him in the wrong moment with something that Dean didn't have to know at all.

He understands that Ro wanted to get it off his chest, he'd probably have done the same thing in this situation but it still feels like his brother suddenly joined forces with Seth and hit him with a steel chair nine times to just to spear him with it afterwards.

He'd been in a good place even after having to go to the hospital tonight and Roman had to go and ruin it. All of it. Dean can't stand being lied to but he definitely has nothing against people keeping information from him. He does the same with his past. He never needed to know that his brothers doubted him too. Dean could have lived happily without it.

But it's out now and not a problem he can just ignore until it vanishes on its own. They need to talk about this, Roman and him and one day all three of them. He needs them to know that treason never even crossed his mind, that he'd never leave his family behind.

And maybe he'll tell them that they're the only family he's ever had. That he grew up in public housing without someone to look up to until he discovered his passion for wrestling. That he had to fight every day just to survive, never able to trust anyone because on the street it's every man for himself and even your own flesh and blood will abandon you in a heartbeat.

He had no one that looked out for him, had come in contact with drugs very early in his life – mostly selling them as a teenager –, but it let his level of inhibition drop faster and lower than he'd ever thought it could. He's lead a pretty lonely and meaningless life until he found his true calling.

Seth hums silently and uses his free hand to rub over his wounded knee again, testing if Dean's kicks have done more damage. Since he doesn't hear any complaints, it seems like it's still in the same condition. 'Hey, if you wanna hit me some more, feel free to do so. Just make sure you don't leave any bruises I can't explain,' his brother offers generously, but Dean is done for tonight.

He's ready to talk to Roman now, having reached just the right level of exhaustion and calmness. Seems like in the end, coming here hasn't been such a horrible mistake, no matter what he claims. It's been the best decision ever, even if he had to find out that Seth likes to cuddle up with The Devil's most spineless Demon.

But Dean will get his revenge on Smackdown and it doesn't even matter that Kane has no clue why Dean will attack him relentlessly until one of them can't move anymore or that nothing has (or will) happen between them tonight. The fact alone that the other accepted Seth's invitation, stepping into Dean's territory, is enough to demand revenge.

Seth is still his – _theirs_ – and Kane will learn the hard way not to mess with The Shield. Seems like the first lesson in March didn't stick, so Dean will make sure that this time he won't forget.

Dean smiles down at Seth who isn't even looking – he's still fumbling around with his knee, making Dean feel slightly bad for trying to break it a few minutes ago – so he buries his nose in Seth's silky hair, breathing in the familiar faint smell of bleach and his own shampoo.

(Which does make him stop and his heart stutter in his chest. Seth is using the same hair wash product as Dean, even though it's a cheap brand and doesn't really help Seth with his breaking off mane. Not that it does any good for his own hair and he should probably try to change it to a better one, but now that he knows Seth is buying and using his because he misses him and wants to have at least one of Dean's things in his life, it's kinda hard to take that away from the kid again.)

'Freak,' he whispers into the brown patch, kissing Seth on the top of the head when he hears a quiet laugh. Seth turns his head a bit faster than Dean expected him to, so their foreheads bump against each other when his brother complains, 'If you're going to kiss me instead, I expect a real one. You almost bit my lip o– ouch.'

They snicker like teenagers that just found the hidden stash of porn videos and magazines of their father or big brother – all excited and a bit reluctant to go through with the plan of watching all of it in one go with their best friend – until Dean decides that Seth is entitled to that tender one after all the shit and beating he had to endure tonight at his hands.

'That doesn't mean I have forgiven you,' he adds as an afterthought and licks his lips, tasting Seth's blood once more. 'Honestly? Right now, I don't care,' Seth blabbers, eager to tug Dean's head back down another time, not willing to let go of him before he gets what he wants.

Dean only breaks the kiss when Seth is about to rip his earring off in the heat of the moment, planting a small peck on the other's head once more to show him it's over now. There's a disappointed huff and the most adorable pout in the world but Dean won't give in to that.

Seth seems to come to the same conclusion because he just sighs, snuggling close to Dean's chest and once again tries to play peacekeeper. 'Seriously, go home. Sort this out. Rome feels terrible.' He wants to say that he enjoys thinking of Roman sitting in their room, going out of his mind because he's worried Dean won't return – which, no, he'd always find his way back to Ro, no matter what has transpired between them.

Dean will always gravitate around these two idiots and he isn't planning on doing something against that any time soon.

'Sorry for using you as a punching bag.' Seth looks at him, mouth slightly opened, his face aghast. There's a mocking undertone when he kids, 'Oh, look at that, an apology from the mighty, tough Dean Ambrose.' He rolls his eyes at his brother and pushes the other's face away with his hand. 'Shut up.'

Seth flails for a moment, before he gives in and crawls way from Dean, understanding that the moment of intimacy is over now. Dean can only give so much and even though he's trying to extend that to a level that won't leave Seth unsatisfied, he's still nowhere even near accomplishing that goal. He can't even see the finish line yet.

'It's okay,' his friend assures him, taking Dean's hand to stabilize himself while standing up. Dean bends down and gets the briefcase for him, snatching another chocolate bar while doing so. He needs something for the way back home. 'I don't want this to become a regular thing though, but I guess it's better than you taking it all out on yourself. Seriously how do you do that?'

'Do what?' he asks back automatically, heartbeat increasing and his lungs constricting painfully. So far his brothers have never once dared to talk about the whole... well, at the end of the day it's probably still self-harm, so he might as well call a spade a spade.

Seth stares at him for a second, unsure if he should back down or proceed but apparently he's grown some balls because he repeats his words; slowly and hesitantly but he does it nonetheless. 'Taking it out on yourself. That shit hurts.' Yeah, that's why it's called self-_harm_.

'Everyone has a different coping mechanism,' he eventually answers, voice too strained to sound relaxed. Seth holds up his hands in a non-threatening way, sensing that he just overstepped a line. 'Let's get you out of here,' he proposes, limping along the wall, one hand wrapped around the handle of his case, the other running over the bricks so he won't fall down again.

Dean follows, steps as uneven as Seth's even though he feels perfectly fine. Or at least his body does. (Not counting in the throbbing pain in his shoulder.)

'I never once thought about betraying one of you,' he murmurs low enough for no one to hear but Seth catches it anyway. His brother turns around, an apologetic smile on his lips. 'We know now. And we're terribly sorry. Neither Rome nor I want to miss you in our lives.'

'He's right,' Roman's voice rings out all of a sudden, surprising Dean so badly that he almost hits his older brother square in the face when a heavy hand touches him at the back. Roman ducks out of the way easily and just hugs him close to his chest, whispering, 'Let's go home, Dean.'

Dean isn't able to form even one reasonable thought, so he just stares back and forth between his family (feeling like the biggest asshole when he sees the regret and sadness in Seth's eyes) before he gets into the rental car without losing another word. He wouldn't know what to say anyway.

'Thanks for telling me where to find him,' Roman mutters barely loud enough for him to hear and Seth answers with a heavy heart, ''S okay. He's ready to listen now.'

Dean doesn't want to leave their baby brother behind like this, alone and broken and bruised with no one to turn to other than Kane. But Roman drives away before he can say anything.

Seth has long disappeared from the wing mirror when Dean turns to Roman, watching the relieved smile that won't vanish from his best friend's face with curious fascination, a sudden realization blindsiding him when he tentatively reveals, 'I think I'm in love with him. And it's scaring the shit out of me.'


	21. i apologize for the cruel things i did

I know. I know. I didn't post Seth's part yet but I wasn't happy with Kane in the chapter, so now I need to rewrite it. Kane is my all time favourite wrestler and I want to do him justice. But seriously, Seth's missing part wasn't important for this one, since it only deals with Battleground and what happened on Raw the following night. I will just post the missing one as some kind of flashback. (Seriously, this is so much easier on AO3.) Anyway, enjoy some bonding time with The Shield =)

* * *

'You think we crossed a line tonight?' Dean asks and throws his bag in an empty corner of the room; and of course all of his stuff falls out of it, because he tends to forget to close the damn thing.

Roman follows the trail of dirty clothes drenched in day old sweat, leaning down to pick up each item with an internal sigh, and puts it all back in the duffel before he even considers about answering his friend's question. There's no doubt he's talking about taunting Seth with the briefcase after their dark match after Raw went off air, playing a little game of monkey in the middle with the kid.

'Maybe,' he murmurs, suddenly not so hyped because of their win over Seth and Kane anymore. It's unusual that Dean is the one showing concern for Seth's well-being, and not him. Unusual but not unheard of. Oh, the changes a simple epiphany can cause.

'He's already complained about us doing the fist thing once again tonight.' Well, maybe Seth shouldn't have turned his back on them, so he could still be doing it _with them_ instead of having to watch his family enjoying themselves without him.

Roman sighs, this time loudly, and sags down on the chair in the corner of the room. 'He talked to you?' Dean rubs over his injured shoulder, rolling it back and forth with a pained face, and grabs his phone to throw it at Roman. 'Talking might not be the right word, it's so overrated anyway, which is why I haven't written anything back, but yeah.'

He taps on the phone, searching for the latest messages. Compared to Roman, Dean doesn't mind his texts being read by his brother. Because he has nothing to hide, as he always says. Dean is unpretentious like that. Not that Roman has anything confidential on his phone, but he still likes to draw a line somewhere.

He spends over two hundred days on the road with Dean, they're always cooped up in the tiniest hotel rooms or cars. He shares everything with his family, so Roman has decided long ago that his privacy might be non-existent on most days, but that doesn't mean he can't have one.

Even Dean has learned that lesson after their little fallout, now asking politely every time if he can read what Seth has written. Because that's all he's interested in, all he wants to know. Dean doesn't care about his cousins telling him another joke or sending him funny pictures.

Even after seven weeks everything in Dean's head revolves solely around Seth, which is kind of cute, if he thinks about it. Seth is a very lucky man; yet the other doesn't even know. It's also ironic and Roman enjoys this more than he should.

Just like throwing the briefcase back and forth with Dean while Seth desperately tried to snatch it. It had been so familiar to all three of them, had reminded them of how perfect everything was just three months ago, when they could do this in their hotel rooms with Seth's clothes or his wallet all day long and in good fun.

_Really? _

_I mean, I love that The Shield is still standing tall and all that, even though you guys are not officially working together anymore, but do you constantly need to remind me what I can't have anymore? _

_That's not funny._

_Can't you just, I don't know, hug each other or do a happy dance or make out in front of everyone, so I can sit backstage and stab myself repeatedly because I already have understood perfectly what a gigantic idiot I am?_

_You guys are the bane of my existence._

_Answer me for fuck's sake!_

'How did he even notice that? I thought the cameras were off?' Roman says, setting the mobile phone aside again. Dean shrugs, wincing slightly when his shoulder stings because of it, and slips out of his shoes. 'How does Seth get wind of anything he knows? Like a true ninja, he has eyes and ears everywhere. Just accept it and don't ask any questions. Trust me, your life will be so much better.'

Roman smiles and rolls his eyes, taking off his vest when his own cell rings. Dean shoots him an amused look, nodding towards the chiming device before practically swaggering into the bathroom to claim once again the first shower with the only hot water. God damn, he's always losing that fight.

He picks up the call, casually saying, 'Yup?' Seth sounds slightly ticked off when he demands, 'Let me in.' _Oh God, please no, don't let that stupid kid be anywhere near our hotel room_, Roman thinks while walking to the door, gripping the handle tightly. He needs a moment to decide if it's wise to invite his brother in.

It's not, but honestly, what choice does he have?

'Rome, I said let me in.' Fine, whatever. He pushes the door open just to be greeted by darkness. There is no one standing in front of him. Roman turns his gaze to the side and sees Seth standing in front of the completely wrong entrance, looking all kinds of lost and angry and even sad.

They have parked their car in front of room four, even though they ended up taking number seven; both of them too lazy to care about it. 'Over here,' he calls out, trying to hide his glee and failing miserably when Seth whips his head around, his face turning a shade whiter.

His little brother looks like he's seen a ghost. And as soon as Seth walks up to him, Roman recognizes the haunted look in the brown eyes that not even the thick-rimmed glasses can hide, as well as the slight sheen of sweat covering his forehead, and he steps aside immediately to let his friend in.

'How did you find us?' he wants to know, slowly closing the door after he made sure there is no one else out there to spy on them. Seems like this whole ordeal has made all three of them a tiny bit paranoid.

Seth waits a second, wide eyes searching the room for something he doesn't find, before he sighs tiredly and his whole body deflates so hard that he has to sit down. Wow, seems like he really is heartbroken over the whole _Dean and Roman are still best buddies while I have to play alone_ thing.

'Well, obviously I've read Dean's _Stalker 101_ very thoroughly, because I successfully managed to follow The Shield without them noticing.' Seth sounds not half as confident and sarcastic as he wants to; the insecurity making Roman frown and sit down next to him on the sofa.

'Hey, easy there. What's wrong?' he tries to soothe his brother and hugs him close before he can change his mind in the last second again. Roman can practically feel Seth going limp in his arms, finally able to let go of whatever is haunting him.

Seth buries his face in Roman's neck with such ferocity that he fears his brother wants to hide his head inside of his chest; just to escape reality for a while. But sadly, it's not that easy. Seth can't take cover behind Roman's back anymore. Neither can Roman shield his baby brother from any harm. It's a loss for everyone involved.

'Everything is spinning out of control since Sunday and tonight didn't make it any better,' Seth whispers – hot breath ghosting over his bare chest –, desperately hanging on to his brother's frame while in the bathroom Dean is taking a shower, not knowing about any of this.

Roman wonders if he should try to get rid of Seth before Dean is done or if he should watch the story unfold as soon as they clash.

But since Seth came here to find shelter and he really doesn't want to send his brother out into the dark night all alone and broken, Roman ditches option two to pat his friend on the head, playing with the blond patch as long as it's still there.

(Roman really hopes that the hair curse will pass him by unnoticed. He's investing a lot of work to maintain that long, well-bred mane and he doesn't want to lose it like his brothers.)

But just because he's decided to let Seth cuddle with him, it doesn't mean that he'll go easy on the kid. Because Seth still can't keep his face in check, even after seven weeks, and that's not only dumb but also very risky.

'Yeah, I know,' he starts, resting his cheek on Seth's hair. 'You once again couldn't control your emotions. And that in front of Triple H and Randy. No, Seth, don't give me that look,' he adds, letting go of his friend as soon as he catches the sulking expression in the mirror of the cupboard.

'I– but he– I mean, Cesaro,' Seth stammers incoherently and so utterly helpless that Roman can't suppress a forgiving grin. 'It's okay. I fear no matter how many times I warn you, you'll still never learn.'

Seth mutters something along the lines of _but I did better the second time the camera caught me_, before he slings his arms around Roman once more to whisper in his ear, 'Is he taking a shower?'

No, Roman is just letting all the hot water run because he prefers the bathroom at a warm temperature and it's so much fun to listen to the sound of the shower; kind of like a chilling during a rainstorm. And besides, who doesn't enjoy freezing to death in a shower in freaking Florida?

He has just opened his mouth, only able to squeeze out the words _don't go_ when Seth determinedly jumps up and barges into the adjacent room like Dean usually enters every scene. '– in there,' Roman finishes his sentence, waiting for the inevitable insult as soon as Seth makes his presence felt.

It never comes.

Instead, Roman hears Dean laugh lightly, snickering, 'Hey there, handsome. You mind closing the curtain again? That is, unless you don't intend to hop in.' He's ready to leave those two lovestruck idiots alone when Seth just hisses, 'Get your ass outta there.'

Now that was unexpected.

Seth storms out of the bathroom again, not meeting his quizzical stare. 'Okay, what's gotten into you?' 'What– you wanna know _what_?' his brother spits out, reminding Roman way too much of Dean. Seth isn't one to explode and lash out at anyone in sight.

But then again, Dean isn't known for staying calm when someone interrupts his shower. Did he miss the memo that it's Opposite Day?

'You really need to ask that?' Seth seethes, pacing the room to get rid of the uneasiness slowing down his body and mind. It takes a while but ultimately, his friend calms down enough to sit back down next to him, finally able to look Roman in the eyes again. 'I mean, first of all, I'm sorry.'

Now that Seth has started to apologize for all the things he's done to Roman and Dean, he just won't stop. He seems to think that _everything_ is his fault, because as a part of the Authority he should be able to control every damn thing that happens in his family's life. But that's just an illusion.

Seth might be pulling the strings, but he can't predict all the little details. Like Stephanie being against working with Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar but Hunter convincing her of the collaboration. Or Dean attacking him backstage at the Pay-per-view, causing Daddy Big Nose to ban him from the arena, robbing everyone in the building of the match of the century.

'Hey, it wasn't supposed to be,' Roman winks at him, finally stepping out of his ring pants to put on some sweats and a tank top. 'You warned me that Brock would come back today.' And the moment he heard that from Seth, he knew he only had one chance to grab that title. And he wasn't able to seize that opportunity on the weekend.

Now he's back where he began, at the bottom of the totem pole. But he'll be damned if he won't work his way up to another title match; only to end it with a win of his own. He won't fail another time.

'No,' Seth shakes his head multiple times, stepping closer to lay his hands on Roman's chest. 'I'm sorry you lost at Battleground.' He can see it in Seth's eyes. The guilt, the pain, the _I should have done something_, _I could have done more_.

But Seth is already giving all he can. He needs to learn that he can trust his brothers to go the rest of the path on their own. 'New day, new game plan.' Roman might be out of the championship picture for now, but the Authority hasn't seen the last of him.

He won't stop fighting every day of his life to get what he wants.

'So, dear brother of mine, you wanna tell me why you're white as a sheet?' Seth lifts his head and stares into the mirror, only now realizing how awful he looks. His fingers shake a bit when they brush over his skin, eyes going slightly hollow. Maybe Dean isn't the only member of his family Roman should be concerned about.

Seth sighs dramatically and slumps back, wishing the couch would swallow him whole. 'I haven't slept since Saturday,' he finally explains, only barely able to stifle a yawn. Since the day before yesterday? Their baby brother is on his feet for almost sixty hours now? Probably even more; depending on when he woke up on the weekend.

Roman cups his hands around Seth's jaw and examines the dark circles under the brown, almost lifeless, bloodshot eyes. He can't believe how he could miss that earlier on Raw and as soon as Seth walked into the room. 'I wore make-up,' Seth throws light upon that tiny mystery, leaving Roman to ponder over the question if he should make fun of Seth for that or just move on with the conversation.

Being the big brother that does like to joke around but loves it even more to protect and scold, he settles for the latter, asking a bit incredulously, 'You mean, you didn't nod off at all? Not even once?' Like taking a nap in between, so he wouldn't crash a car in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, for example.

Just thinking about the risk Seth took by driving here makes him shudder. 'No,' Seth whispers and Roman allows his brother to rest his weary head on his chest again.

'There was just so much I had to do on the weekend to prepare for Battleground. All the talking with Kane and pulling wires with Triple H. And then there was the actual Pay-per-view, where Dean just fucked up _all_ of my plans, so I had to ditch them and do everything on the fly. Which is so hard; you have no idea.'

Actually, he does know a thing or two about improvising whenever Dean is involved but he chooses to remain silent; giving Seth the much needed affirmation that he's the most important thing right now and that every word he says is a hundred percent true.

Arms sneak their way around his waist, silently begging for another hug that will make all of his friend's worries go away. Possible hard feelings or not, Roman can't say no to that. He is, first and foremost, Seth's big brother and hell will freeze over before he'll deny such simple wishes.

'And after yesterday I was just so... Because of Dean hiding in my trunk, I couldn't stop looking behind me. I never thought he'd get into my car.'

Roman chuckles, distantly realizing that the water of the shower got turned off some time ago. Dean in the trunk was something new and unexpected, but then again it really wasn't. Their friend definitely has some criminal energy in him; breaking into cars is probably child's play for him. 'You're afraid of your own brother?'

Seth scoffs indignantly, sitting up straight again to show his defiance. What a cute little boy he is. 'What? _No_. Though it does freak me out a bit that he's always able to find me.' Roman would like to say that, in terms of creepiness and perseverance, Seth is in no way inferior to Dean, but his friend is already talking again animatedly.

'I keep looking over my shoulder because I expect the Authority to be able to keep tabs on me without me noticing either. It's messing with my head really badly.'

Great. If this goes on for, say, another two months, they'll all be hysterical messes, unable to trust even themselves. They should start to relax a bit more. Dean and Seth should also stop meeting in the middle of the night, endangering Seth's cover.

He'll probably get beheaded if he ever dares to propose that though. No matter how reasonable it would be.

So Roman just accepts his new life of madness and being constantly on edge as soon as they leave a hotel or the arena. He'll just have to work twice as hard to keep his family safe and chase after his dreams. Easy as pie, right?

'Yet you're here. Not because you wanted to give Dean a piece of your mind but because you're lonelier than ever and you want your brothers back. Even if it's just for one night.'

Seth opens his mouth to talk back at him, but stops himself before a word can slip out. They both know Roman is right and there is no use denying it. He could have said that a bit more gentle, but all three of them need the simple, sometimes cruel truth at the moment. No more lying and pampering.

'Seven weeks are a long time to spend alone,' his brother finally says, tone impossibly sad and begging at the same time. Like he wants to ask Roman to take him back tonight, tomorrow and for the rest of their lives, even though Seth knows very well that he can't make that decision alone and that Seth needs to play his part as turncoat until the end.

There is no going back anymore. They're already in too deep for that.

He can't take the weight off of Seth's shoulders, but he can try to ease it, can help his brother carry it. It's in that moment that Roman decides to not let his friend go back to his own hotel tonight. He'll allow him just this once to stay, _if_ Dean is not against it.

The bathroom door opens and they both look at Dean, who walks in with a towel around his neck, wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. 'Alright, ladies, what's going on here?' he asks, rubbing over his hair while squeezing himself between Seth and Roman on the couch.

Roman just wants to make himself a bit more comfortable when Seth jumps up and points an accusing finger right at Dean's chest. He actually jabs at it, just for good measure. 'What in God's name were you thinking last night? Attacking me over and over; getting _thrown out_ of the arena?'

Okay, so they're still going to do that. He's perfectly fine with it though. Mostly because he too wonders why Dean flipped his shit so much in front of the camera, but had laughed and grinned like an idiot in the car and their motel. No matter how much he'd grilled Dean, his best friend wouldn't share anything with him.

Seth had texted him a lot after Battleground, asking if he could get his stuff that he forgot in the parking lot, as well as his golden briefcase and what he had done to deserve Dean being such a jerk yet again.

Roman had answered that Dean got his stuff – taking back some shirts that are rightfully his own, while leaving new ones in Seth's suitcase to make up for it – and that everything was perfectly fine with their brother. Whatever plan they had come up with, it had been a stupid one and Roman would like to slap them both for doing this to all the fans that actually paid to see their match.

When Seth had answered that none of that had been part of his strategy, Roman once again tried to talk with Dean about it; still to no avail.

So this right now intrigues him too, has him almost on the edge of his seat. He's always loved to watch Seth and Dean go at it, because they remind him of two newborn puppies, stubbornly trying to butt heads to fight over who is the strongest but being horribly blind and disoriented at the same time.

It's a lot of fun, as long as no one starts to throw punches or gets unnecessarily offending – which is generally the point Roman chooses to end things.

Dean throws his hands up in defeat, swatting Seth's finger away in the same motion. 'In my defense, I never thought Hunter would ban me from the arena.'

Dean grabs Seth by the wrist and tugs at his arm, so he'll sit down again. Roman watches mesmerized while scooting away to give his baby brother a bit more space to breathe, muttering without really realizing, 'Not that _that_ stopped you from coming back time and time again.'

Sometimes, Dean really is like a cockroach. Indestructible, annoying and creepy, but also resilient and smart. A true survivor.

Seth pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing loudly, yanking his hand free again. 'Why?' he just breathes, shooting Roman a helpless glance, as if he could give him all the answers. He pats Seth tenderly on the head and repeats the question when Dean refuses to answer right away.

'You said you were afraid of Battleground being our last match. So I ensured it wouldn't be.' Seth stands up again and flails his arms for a moment, before he accuses Dean once more, not yet getting the hidden meaning of Dean's words. This is so much better than Roman had expected.

'We didn't even _have_ a match,' Seth yells frustrated now, sinking down on the table in front of the sofa to glare daggers at Dean as if that could somehow help him make a point. Dean just stares back, eyebrows slowly moving upwards, a smirk dancing over his face. 'And yet you let yourself be declared the winner. By forfeit.'

Seth kicks Dean lightly against the shin, wincing when his bad knee flares up in pain and kicks his brother a second time with his other leg. 'I had to do something,' he defends himself sternly. 'Why didn't you tell me what you were going to do?'

So Seth still hasn't figured it out yet. Dean doing their friend this favor should tell Seth everything he needs to know about the feelings he has for him; in case there still are any doubts even after Roman already told him of their true nature.

Dean shrugs casually, getting up to throw the towel through the open bathroom door – Roman wants to scoff at him that he really has to stop being so messy – and slips into a white wife-beater. His best friend doesn't see the relieved expression flickering over Seth's face at that, but Roman does.

It's apparently pretty hard for his baby brother to concentrate when Dean is walking around almost naked. Really, his brothers are teasing, adorable twerps that should probably just fuck it out.

'Wouldn't have been a surprise then, would it?' Dean helps Seth along, giving the final hint their brother needs to fully comprehend what Dean really did at Battleground. Roman hadn't known that Seth had been afraid of losing Dean all over again as soon as their feud would be over, but now that he does, he too can fully appreciate his best friend's actions from last night.

And people say Dean is the uncaring, selfless, lunatic one when in reality he's the sweetest, most protective person Roman knows; always trying to please the ones he loves. Sometimes he can't help but think that it's as if Dean is way better at doing this job than Roman.

'Wait,' Seth frowns, his whole mind coming to an abrupt halt. 'You did this for _me_?' It's hilarious how stunned their little brother sounds, how quickly he blinks as if he's expecting the whole world to disappear right in front of his eyes. 'So we can prolong... all of this?'

There's awe and gratitude swinging in Seth's croaky voice, the haunted look finally vanishing out of the now sparkling brown eyes. He didn't want to get in the middle of this, but Dean looks so content with himself and Seth is one second away from flinging his arms around Dean's neck, crying happily that Roman just can't contain himself anymore.

'Quite romantic, isn't it? In a very unique Dean Ambrose way, but still. Lucky you.' Seth's gaze meets Roman's, his whole face lighting up – which makes him thankfully look normal again – before he just crashes forward and really does fall around Dean's neck. Minus the tears though. Instead there's a roaring laughter echoing in the room, infecting Roman in no time.

'Shut up,' Dean answers, cheeks blushing, eyes searching Roman's to silently plead for some help. God, it's like the two of them have never been in such a situation. Well, in Dean's case that might even be true. 'It's no big deal,' he adds flustered, frantically trying to play the issue down.

'No big deal. Rome, did you hear that?' Seth turns his head around, a huge smile splitting his face in half, as he still holds on to Dean with all his strength. 'Yep,' Roman replies good-heartedly. 'He said no big deal.'

They both know it's a fucking huge deal. Roman is even sure that Dean is aware of that too. Which makes his best friend's reddened and slightly scared face so much more funnier. 'What?' his brother grits out grumpily, finally able to hug Seth close to his chest too.

'Nothing,' Seth pipes up happily, beaming at Roman once more before he places his nose in the crook of Dean's neck, climbing into the other's lap to get more comfortable. This should be his cue to leave the two of them alone, if he wouldn't know for certain that Dean doesn't want that. Not if he can't make the rules for their encounters.

Which is why he offers Seth exactly what he came here for, while giving Dean time to think about it and approve of his decision. 'So, what do you say, Romeo? Should we let Prince Charming sleep here tonight?' Seth whips his head around at the speed of light, wide dark eyes staring into his with disbelief and eternal gratitude.

'Seriously?' he whispers so low that Roman's heart clenches for a second. This isn't how his family used to be. It's nice to see Seth be all chipper and excited about getting to spend the night with them like in old times, but it's still wrong. Seth should be with them all day long.

Dean rubs over their brother's back twice before he accepts Roman's invitation. 'I guess, for old time's sake, why not?' Seth lets go of Dean to hug Roman instead, babbling something about forgiveness and making it up to them. Roman doesn't understand half of it because Seth's mouth is pressed against his collarbone, but he doesn't need to.

Seth doesn't owe them anything for this. It's just another bonding session, right? They're only making some more progress to get their family, their old unity back.

Dean uses that moment to get up and watch the two of them from above, gracing them with one of his rare but breathtaking, _honest_ smiles, before he walks to his suitcase to pull out some clothes for Seth. Roman is relieved to see the kid is getting some of the freshly washed stuff.

He holds the shorts and black tank out for Seth to grab it and Roman pushes his friend gently off of him, so he can go to the bathroom and get changed. As soon as their brother has closed the door behind him, Roman walks up to Dean to give him a one-armed, tight embrace, all the while whispering, 'I'm proud of you.'

Dean just lowers his head and crawls into the bed, but Roman knows he's in fact on cloud nine right now. 'You wanna be in the middle?' Roman offers in a hushed tone, so Seth won't hear. Dean lying down on the left side of the bed should be answer enough but he still gets a delighted, 'Nope. This is a family night, not something about him and me.'

'As you wish,' he remarks, following Dean into the king-sized bed and taking his rightful place in the center. Seth doesn't even hesitate a second when he comes out of the bathroom – Dean's clothes hanging loosely down his smaller frame –, doesn't complain or give them a dirty look.

He just jumps under the covers and snuggles close to Roman's other side, sighing mirthfully.

'I missed you,' is the last thing Roman hears before he drifts off into sleep and even in his dream he can't help but wonder which one of them had whispered that truth into the dark.

* * *

And before I forget it again, LeahMarie (XxLeahEGxX on youtube) made a video called _Broken_ for this fic and I can't thank her enough for it! 333 Go check her out, seriously!


	22. why don't you just try and trust me?

Sorry for the delay, but I couldn't do it any better, so I'm gonna post this now anyway. Please remember that this is the missing part, so it's taking place _before_ the last chapter! There's the whole matter of the past of Kane and Taker. I just wanted to warn you guys. And there's also a shitload of dialogue in this. I swear, one of these days I can go back to writing small chapters.  
So, I actually don't have anything else to say, other than a big thank you for all those who read my stuff, like it and maybe even comment. It's always nice to get some feedback. Okay, I'm out *hugs all*

* * *

Seth drags himself up to his room on the second floor, feeling like he just fell into the pit and had a run-in with Satan. He had expected Dean being all pumped up and ready to beat the shit out of him, but in the end his brother hurt him way more with the things he didn't do or say.

Like leaving him without a goodbye, going back with Roman even though that's what Seth had asked for; even though there is someone waiting for him right now and Dean couldn't have come with him anyway.

He's not afraid of what his friend might do next, in which way he'll explode tomorrow, the day after or next week. Not even when he runs his hands over his aching stomach or his sore throat. Dean hadn't been himself tonight and Seth would never hold this against his brother.

Seth has eluded his wrath for too long now. He's actually kinda glad that on Sunday he can finally give Dean what he wants – a chance to get his revenge, to let out all of his anger and frustration and disappointment. In the ring is the only place to settle this.

That's where it all started and that's also where it should end.

But Seth is afraid of what will happen afterwards, which way they'll go and how far away they'll stray from each other once all is said and done. If they end it at Battleground, Seth might not be able to keep him around anymore, to protect him from Triple H.

'What happened?' Kane greets him with wide eyes, following him curiously into the bathroom where Seth makes the mistake of looking into the mirror before cleaning himself up. It takes all of his self-control to not flinch at the sight and instead try to play it cool.

'Well, we didn't make out, that's for sure.' Okay, half-truths. That's good. He can do this. Seth tilts his head a few times to each side to get a good picture of the whole damage Dean has inflicted on him. There's blood all over his jaw, his entire beard covered with the crimson liquid that's already starting to dry, little flakes of it falling off when Seth rubs over his chin ferociously.

But he can wash that off. The red lines on his throat might be a bit harder to explain, especially to the Authority. Maybe he can get away with telling them he likes it rough. Though he has to admit that no one could possibly believe these marks have been given to him by a woman. Ah well, he'll have to see. No point worrying about something that might never happen.

'You look like you've lost,' Kane points out totally unnecessarily and Seth splashes cold water into his face until the bright red fingerprints are the only odd thing about his reflection. 'I might have.'

They go back to the main room and Seth puts on another shirt, contemplating if he should try and get the stains out before it's too late or just dump the stupid thing, so he can snatch one of Dean's again. He settles for the second option.

'Family, right?' Kane tries once more to lure Seth into a trap, but he's still on his guard, more so than usually. Dean suddenly popping up out of nowhere does make him kind of paranoid, because he's still convinced that if his brother manages to find him any other sneaky bastard can too. He's not counting on Randy anymore, but he fears it could be Triple H himself; making sure that all his sheep are white ones.

'Former business partner,' he emphasizes once again but it's no use. Kane has decided to put Seth through his paces too. 'It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not about blood, it's about the bond you share.'

Yeah, he's heard that before, from Roman and Dean. He's even said that more than once in interviews, to fans and everyone who wanted to hear a reason for The Shield being so strong, calling themselves brothers and acting like a close unit when they'd just been hired goons to protect The Best in the World.

Still, Seth refuses to say anything to that. If he does, he'll probably start crying, howling for his friends to be here with him and blaming Kane for ruining a very promising night. He doesn't need that. There's also the match Dean so kindly demanded and that Seth has to get him somehow. He's ready to collapse on his bed and faint, so he chooses not to mince matters. 'Would you take him on on Smackdown?'

Kane sits down on his bed, shooting Seth a questioning glance. 'Depends,' he eventually answers and Seth huffs impatiently. He's too tired to play any more games tonight. He just got kicked, beaten up and strangled. All he wants now is to get this over with and sleep until next year. 'On what?' Seth asks back, crawling into his own bed awkwardly, massaging his tweaked knee as soon he's made himself comfortable.

'As who you're asking.' Huh, why should it matter? 'As me, Seth,' he mutters reluctantly, not able to see the bigger picture. Kane draws up his eyebrows sceptically. 'Just you?'

Oh, now he gets it. 'Only good old me. The guy from Davenport, Iowa. Not a former Shield member, not someone of the Authority, just a guy who needs you to fight Dean Ambrose on Thursday.' He sincerely hopes that this explanation is good enough because he can't tell Kane the real reason. Ever.

Like, how weird would that sound? _Oh you know, Dean thinks we're fucking, so he wants to bash your head in because we're kind of a thing? But don't worry, I'll have your back anyway._

He'd love to see Kane's reaction though.

'Sure thing,' the other interrupts his thoughts, bringing him back to reality once more. Wait, he agrees just like that? That's too easy. Seth continues to work on his knee in slow circles while he watches his roommate out of the corner of his eyes, deciding to push forward, so he'll always be a step ahead. This is a battle of minds and Seth must not lose it.

'You don't wanna know why?' he asks casually, his question draws a small huff from his co-worker. 'Would you tell me if I did?' Nope. Not in a million years. But Kane is so much smarter than Seth gave him credit for. The other is getting the upper hand and Seth can't let that happen.

So far, Kane has wounded Seth – unintentionally or not – with his kryptonite, but two can play that game. And he needs to get to the point anyway. He doesn't want to waste a whole night on meaningless yackety-yak, when they should be talking about forming a secret alliance. But Seth needs to approach this delicate topic through the back door.

What a neat coincidence that his weak spot is also Kane's. Though, then again, it's probably everyone's. It's even Dean's, as he's found out so many times before, was able to witness tonight once more.

'Have you heard from Taker lately?' The question visibly surprises his companion and Kane blinks a bit dazed in his direction. This just proves that the Undertaker really is Seth's ace up his sleeve. And the _only_ good leverage he has.

'No,' the other replies tentatively, voice a tiny bit higher than usual. Seth fears this might be all the information Kane is willing to give him, but then the man speaks on. 'He has refused to talk to me since we parted ways, but I've heard he's still in pretty bad shape. Because of the streak and the concussion he suffered.'

Yeah, don't talk about the Undefeated Streak to Seth. He's still pissed about that, even though it wasn't even his own. And knowing that Brock Lesnar will come back after Battleground makes everything ten times worse, to be honest. But he's not here to discuss the aftermath of Wrestlemania. He's here to use _family_ as his trump card.

Seth stays silent, water slowly sliding down his neck, and grabs a pillow to hug it close to his chest. Thinking about Taker and Kane has done all kinds of things to him these past few days – whenever he hadn't wracked his brain about his own brothers –, but it also made him realize there is one question only Kane can answer.

One thing he's been wondering about for years of his life and now that Dean and Roman are in the same position as Kane had once been, Seth has to get this off his chest before he can move on to turning his co-worker into his ally. Hopefully.

'Everything okay?' the other asks him after a while, watching warily how Seth has recededinto his own mind, drawing up his legs, so he can lay his arms around them, trying to make himself as small as possible. 'How could you ever forgive him?' he murmurs, voice croaky and ten times more hopeless than he pictured it.

The real question here is: what can he do to make Dean and Roman forgive him for betraying and hurting them? So far, he's not found a good enough answer to that and Kane being best buddies with his own half-brother most days of the year must mean that at least these two have found a way to overcome all hardships.

And if they can do it, The Shield is able to top that, right?

'What for?' Seth looks up taken aback. What for. Isn't it obvious? 'For, you know, the,' he stammers helplessly, staring right into those differently colored eyes, hoping the other will get the hint. But Kane won't let him off the hook that easily. Seth has to work hard for every little thing.

'You're gonna make me say it, right?' he sighs and rests his chin on his uninjured knee. His companion shoots him a wicked smile and makes himself comfortable on the tiny bed. Seth is eternally grateful that the hotel had a free room with two queen sized beds available. Just imagining sharing a bed with a giant that isn't Dean or Roman makes his skin crawl.

Kane's smile turns friendlier after a while and for a second it looks as if he wants to get up and fatherly pat Seth on the head. But he stays in his bed and Seth can't even tell if he's disappointed about that or not. 'Facing your fear makes you stronger. Actually, there were two very talented guys who loved to claim and show the whole world that fear is only a four letter word.'

He has to laugh at that, mostly because he never thought Kane would bring up the Hardy Boyz in a conversation. It's also a bit weird because every time Seth hears someone say one of the trademark lines of those two brothers from North Carolina, he remembers the wrestling calendar he had when he was fourteen.

He still can recall most of the pages, especially the one with Matt and Jeff and their fear-slogan. Which was so funny because Kane also had a month and his theme was _Is it a coincidence that Kane and fear are both four letter words?_. Back then he'd switched between those pages, depending on the mood he'd been in, but he'd always felt more drawn to the daredevils' motto.

It inspired him to try some high-flying stuff too, to be honest.

But reminiscing about the past won't help him in his current situation, won't magically give him the courage to address the unfortunate death of Kane and Taker's family. And it definitely won't help him get his brothers back.

So he sighs deeply and grows some balls, still whispering awkwardly though, 'For setting fire to your home... killing your parents. For you ending up in a mental asylum for the longest time. How can anyone ever possibly expect to be granted forgiveness for things like that?'

He mentally claps himself proudly on the shoulder for saying all of this out loud, even though the haunted look on Kane's face makes him want to take his words back. He's re-opened a wound that should have healed a long time ago, that should be nasty scar tissue and not a bleeding, stinging deep cut.

He's an insensitive jerk, but then again, Kane has started this whole family stuff. Seth is just using the topic against him now. Right? No, who is he trying to fool? He's _curious_ about this, and there _is_ also a tiny chance that it will indeed help him come up with a better game plan to get Dean and Roman back permanently.

He doesn't want their interactions to be solely taking place during work or whenever Dean decides it's okay to show up at his hotel and scream his lungs out before he beats the living hell out of Seth. This isn't the future he pictures for the three of them.

So maybe it's a necessary evil to put Kane through this again. At least, that is how Seth will try to justify this conversation in the future.

'I asked myself that for a long, long time too,' Kane starts after a while, voice not as strong as Seth is used to, the tiniest hints of sadness evident in it. It's amazing that his roommate doesn't shy away from telling him his story. He tries not to hang onto every word as if his life depends on it, as well as keeping an overly intrigued expression off his face. He doesn't want to come off as too creepy.

'I could tell you the obvious, all the lame excuses. How we were just stupid kids that liked to play with fire. That it was a horrible accident.' Well, that's also the truth, isn't it? They had been children, had messed with dangerous things and all of it backfired disastrously. And the parents dying, one of the two boys ending up in an insane asylum isn't exactly something Seth would call a happy family activity.

Kane stops for a minute, obviously struck by grief that will probably never die. But Seth can see it right there, in these mismatchedblue eyes, that there's no more hatred. All that is left is fondness; a brotherly bond that won't die, won't burn to ashes.

Seth wants that too.

'Holding a grudge forever sounds logical and easy, but in reality it's just wearing you out. I was blinded by hate because of Paul. He never got tired of telling me how Taker was the only one responsible for ruining my life, that I should blame my brother for everything that went wrong before and after the fire. I was just a child back then, so of course I believed my own father.'

Seth so desperately wants to scoot closer, wants to hug Kane for forcing him to relive all of these moments while urging him to speak faster, to tell him all. He's hanging on the other's lips and he can't even feel ashamed for it. This is the only time in his life he gets to listen to this story.

No one else will ever hear those words again, he can see that in Kane's restless gaze, and Seth feels weirdly honored to be the chosen one to receive an honest answer. He's so glad he's asked in the first place.

'What changed?' he blurts out when Kane stays silent for too long. He expects to be reprimanded for his impatience but his co-worker just smiles tiredly. 'I met him, fought him, did all my father wanted me to do – or at least I tried – but there was one moment when I realized that standing _at_ Taker's side, having my brother back again, was so much more rewarding than destroying him.'

Seth stares at his colleague for a while, understanding each and every word as if Kane had taken a glance inside his own head and stole those thoughts from him. He's always loved fighting alongside his brothers, found it to be more satisfying than being their opponent.

Though Dean clashing with him in FCW paved the way to a beautiful something Seth wouldn't want to miss either.

'I think that night is the reason why we butt heads so often, why we're always bound to go our separate ways, because in the end we're still finding our way back to each other. Family, half-brothers or just brothers in arms. We're all bonded by what happened to us in our pasts.

'It helped shape us into the people we are today. Forgiving is not so hard if it's your family. You will see; one day, he'll understand. No matter what happens, family remains. You don't always see things the same way, you wage war and fight but they're the only ones you can _always_ come back home to.'

_Home_. It makes sense, it really does. There's a reason the old adage goes time heals all wounds, even the bone-deep and hideous ones. The ones you expect to throb and bleed for all eternity.

So, basically, they had a long, meaningful heart-to-heart with a lot of apologies and explanations and one day Kane just decided that it's time to move on and leave the hard feelings behind. Which means, all Seth can do is try harder and sit this one out.

Wait, hold the freaking horses. 'He'll understand?' he repeats warily, no longer able to keep up his charade after everything he's been through tonight. Seth is perfectly aware Kane meant his friend, but by all means, he shouldn't even know about this.

'Dean,' Kane emphasizes, making Seth's heartbeat stutter and spin out of control. Thank God, he's still sitting there hugging his own shins or otherwise he would squirm really badly under Kane's discerning stare right now. _Abort mission immediately_, his brain screams at him and this time Seth is willing to follow its advice.

If Kane manages to turn this conversation around and make it about his friends, Seth will fall apart. He can't afford to make that mistake.

'Why do you,' he starts to form the question but Kane just frowns at him, shaking his head a bit disappointedly. 'Please, you haven't lied to me so far. Don't start with it now.' Well, that's not entirely true. Ever since he joined the Authority, the only thing he's constantly doing is lying to everyone about everything.

Seth had even been telling the untruth when The Shield was still working for Corporate Kane and he's dead certain his co-worker knows that too. 'Then I guess it's time to talk about the other thing.'

Kane nods, stuffing the second pillow behind his head, all the while grinning at Seth like he knows something he shouldn't. It's making Seth really agitated, but it's also very important that he stays calm and collected. He's already bragged about reuniting Kane with his brother, even though he has no idea how to talk to Taker.

He'll have to snoop around a lot to get hold of the other's number. Maybe he should even pay him a surprise visit. Good God, talk about shitty plans.

'You mean the reason why you practically threatened me to share a room with you tonight?' There's no use denying it. Seth didn't just _practically_ blackmail the other to come with him. He outright put a metaphorical dagger at Kane's throat, dragging him along to his hotel to finally get this over with.

It's a now or never situation. If he fails to make Kane his ally in this very moment, he'll be backed up in a corner all alone and Seth prefers to always come out on top. 'Sorry about that,' he apologizes without really meaning it, 'but I need to know which side you're on.'

'What side I am on.' Kane blinks confused, hand running over his short hair. Seth nods and finally lets go of his knees to sit down cross-legged – breathing in happily when his injury doesn't flare up that badly – and use his hands to undergird his point.

'Where your allegiance lies.' 'My allegiance,' his fellow worker says, voice flat and void of any hints Seth could work with. He sighs loudly, is barely able to refrain from throwing his water bottle at the other impatiently. But he can't stop himself from pleading, 'Could you stop repeating everything I say?'

Kane throws his hands up tiredly, answering, 'As soon as you start making sense.' Seems like he'll have to dig deeper, while always staying on his guard to not give anything away that could be used against him. First he has to know if he can trust Kane explicitly. Because if he can't, this whole plan will just blow up in his face and he really is so done with that.

The last time he didn't double-check everything, his brothers didn't understand why he left them and started a vendetta.

'Alright,' he begins, thinking _here goes nothing_. 'Are you a slave to Triple H and Stephanie?' When Kane chooses not to answer immediately, Seth fears he's made a grave mistake by calling him that, but he thought it would be better than saying _bitch_ like Roman did a few days ago.

Okay, maybe he should approach this from a different angle. It can never hurt to take the S-word back. 'Are you supporting Randy's actions one hundred percent?' Yeah, that sounds better. Why didn't he say that the first time? He's such an idiot. Seriously, when will he start to think before he talks?

It's a miracle he hasn't spilled the beans yet, yelling it in everybody's face that he's a spy and still supporting The Shield, trying to bring down the Authority from within. Or that he's in love with Dean Ambrose. He really can't understand how he's been able to keep _that_ a secret for so many years now.

Kane squints at him, mouth pressed into a hard line. There's anger and suspicion flaring up in the other's eyes, but he somehow manages to keep that out of his tone when he inquires, 'Is this some kind of interrogation? Do you want to test my loyalties?' 'Yes,' Seth yells out relieved, holding his hands out to wave them around a bit before clarifying the whole matter. 'But not in the way you think.'

'Is that so?' Okay, Kane is totally getting the wrong impression here. Seth doesn't want to pry around, putting his co-worker's fidelity to test. It would be kind of hypocritical, right? No, Seth wants to see if Kane is willing to pledge allegiance to him, so they can work hard together for their respective families.

'I need to know if _I_ can trust you,' he points out, hoping that this is enough to convince Kane of his innocence. Seth isn't having this conversation because Hunter or Steph asked him to, so there's no need to hide anything from him. It takes Kane about three minutes of intense staring and nervous fidgeting from Seth until he gets an answer.

'I _am_ getting tired of being used by the Authority,' his roommate finally says and Seth has no doubt that Kane is also talking about him tight now. 'I'm sick of being a babysitter and laughing stock, if that is what you want to know.' Well, it could be worse.

'Not really, but it's a promising start.' He can definitely work with that. Kane is fed up with Randy blaming him for everything, using him as his guard dog. With Stephanie putting him on a leash and Triple H not taking him serious.

And Seth? In his defense, he hasn't done much yet, has only asked once or twice to have a match against his brothers or help him attacking Dean, but he had also always said _please_ and _thanks_. If he's being honest, Seth would say, that in the Authority, he has the best relationship with Kane because he doesn't need to keep up his game face around him.

He's sharing the worst and most draining bond with Hunter. Simply because he has to please the man in _every_ possible way – not sexually though; that's something Seth would never do – soft-soap his boss day in, day out without coming across like a desperate bootlicker.

Kane huffs out a frustrated sigh, stifling a yawn. 'Just cut to the good part, please. I am not getting any younger.' Okay, he has to bring in the big guns. Even if his fellow wrestler won't take the bait and does run to Hunter to tell him what Seth is up to, he still has all the advantages on his side.

It's not hard to find stuff for future blackmailing – especially if he'll ask Dean to help him – and he's an evil genius, a master in manipulation. He just has to believe in himself; Seth will be able to convince the Authority of him being loyal while exposing Kane as the real traitor.

Hopefully it will never come to this.

'I know you don't like me,' he speaks softly, watching his roommate intently to not miss a single reaction. But Kane doesn't even blink which makes him a tiny bit nervous, a raspy voice in his head screaming panicked, _he's not buying your bullshit; run, flee, hide in Mexico_.

He draws in a shaky breath and forces himself to continue his mission. 'But you also can't stand Randy. And your relationship with Hunter and Steph isn't the best one either.' Nothing. He doesn't get anything useful. If his following words don't hit home, he'll follow the advice to emigrate.

'You miss your brother, right?' His heart makes a relieved double jump when Kane knits his eyebrows, a confused expression flashing over his tired face. 'What has that,' he murmurs, but Seth has seen enough. This is the tiny gap he can squeeze himself through, the one opening he needed.

The family card always works.

'What would you say if I told you how to make it up to him? If I had a way to get you into his good graces again?' He's shamelessly bluffing right now, doesn't even have one clue how to fix a problem he's not even familiar with, but he'll move heaven and earth to get what he wants. Even if he has to break into Taker's house and take him hostage until he's willing to at least talk to Kane again.

Seth can be very persuasive, or so he's been told.

Kane just snickers, which kinda throws him off course. Why is he laughing? What's so funny about that? Wait, he didn't see right through his lie, did he? Seth is a pretty amazing liar, he's dead certain he didn't fuck up that one.

'Why do you think I would want that?' Oh, oh. He has made a mistake. Seth replays the whole story in his head, trying to find a point he missed earlier, some clue to explain this sudden turn of events. He can't find one, but instead he realizes his face is getting hot and that he's starting to sweat profoundly. Yeah, so much for playing it cool.

He's about to lose his shit because starting this whole conversation just bit him horribly in the ass and a part of him wants to call Dean, so he can come back and finish the job. Getting punched into oblivion sounds way better than sorting out this shit right now. How on earth is he supposed to turn the tables around again?

'But you said family always,' his mouth moves on its own accord and he cringes inwardly at his own stupidity, but then Kane's face lights up. Did he just inadvertently say the right thing?

'Relax, it was only a test, boy.' Oh God, he's so relieved, he could start crying. He can't believe that one of his dumbest, most inane plans seem to work out just fine. Seth definitely has more luck than judgment. But he shouldn't push it any more, cause he's bound to run out of it some time in the near future.

'Let me get this straight, because I actually want to get some sleep tonight. You want me to turn on the Authority like you did with The Shield? I really don't think that would have the same effect.' Seth refrains from nodding enthusiastically, but on the inside he's doing a happy dance.

So, Kane has gotten the right idea and hasn't immediately said no – hopefully because the promise of having his brother back outweighs everything else – which gives him hope that he indeed has found a partner for his conspiracy.

He shrugs casually and waves his hand around lazily. 'Kind of, yeah. Actually, I _don't_ want you to betray them. Not yet anyway.' No, first they need to pull some more strings, build up a whole fucking huge lie, so that as soon as they stop bullshitting around everything crumbles until there's nothing left.

Kane frowns, opens and closes his mouth several times before he asks incredulously, 'Did you even turn on your brothers?' Sadly, yeah, he has been so exceptionally stupid and inconsiderate to do that. He has shocked the world, has brought The Shield down, has lost his brother's trust and love in the process. This was, by far, the biggest mistake Seth has ever made.

'Yes,' he whispers ruefully, averting the other's gaze. 'Why do you think Dean is out to kill me?' His new-found ally snickers, drawing Seth's eyes back up. 'You seem pretty alive to me.' Sure, if one doesn't count the dark red lines on his neck that hopefully won't turn purple, yellow or blue, and the throbbing pain flashing through his body when he inhales too deeply or moves his knee too fast.

But the real problem is if he can trust Kane with the rest of the story too. If he can or even should explain this mystery. Once again, his mouth tries to act without any direct orders. 'It's because... I–I'm...' 'You aren't a member of The Shield anymore – and not just because it has vanished – but you aren't a real part of the Authority either. You have been manipulating us from the very beginning.'

True. Good to know that it needs some kind of explanation from his side for other people to figure him and his facade out. Seth can't keep the snarky smile off his face when he says, 'I prefer the term playing both ends against the middle.'

Kane sits up again, facing Seth now directly, which does intimidate him a bit. He knows his – what, are they becoming friends now? – co-worker won't attack him, but there's still the imagine of a Kane in his head that wouldn't bend to any given rules. A Kane that didn't give a damn about morals or truces. And Seth can see that person flickering in and out of life in those blue eyes. It's impressive, to be honest.

Seth expects a lot of harsh words, maybe even threats now, but Kane surprises him once again.

'I can't believe I couldn't see it before. It's so _obvious_. The sudden rising tension between Randy and me, Dean still working for the WWE, you always getting interrupted by him when you try to cash in, Roman staying in the title competition.'

That's nice to hear, but he's not that out of touch with reality to believe he is responsible for all of it. 'Well, I can only work with things that are already there. Like you hating Randy's guts, no one trusting or liking each other in the Authority or Rome having incredible momentum since I broke up The Shield.'

Seth pointedly ignores the comment about Dean, because that still scares the shit out of him. Every time Triple H – or someone else – mentions that they should send his brother to a mental facility, humiliate him in front of everybody by forcing him to wear a straightjacket before they lead him out of the arena to put him in a padded cell, lock him up and toss the key, Seth's heart stops beating and his whole body goes numb.

He still has no clue how he managed to keep Dean's job until now. Maybe he needs to let out the maniac too – while he still impresses the Authority with his efficiency, of course – to prove that Dean isn't that far gone. Or that he's not the only one who can get a little crazy.

'Your convincibility is terrifying.' Seth shrugs nonchalantly at that, but his cheeks still heat up. He knows he's pretty good at pulling the wires on everyone but someone who has been his victim too confirming it does flatter him. 'I do what I can.' Which is the complete truth.

He'd take a bullet for his brothers, if it'd mean they would get away unharmed.

'You are the only reason Dean is still not locked up in an asylum. We both know how they've been toying with that idea for a while now. You're really good.' Well, he wouldn't go so far as to call himself the smartest person in the WWE, but like he said, he does whatever he can to ensure his family isn't in any kind of danger.

He doesn't have any words for that, so he just stares Kane down, hoping his determined glare speaks for itself. Seth wants Kane to know that he'd die for his brothers, that he would defend Dean even if it'd cost him his cover. He's willing to give it all to make it up to them and there's no one who can stop him.

You're either on his side or you're against Seth. But rest assured, being on the other side will be very painful.

Again there's no visible reaction from his colleague but Seth tries not to show how much this disturbs him. He needs to stand his ground as long as Kane is still awake. Only when he'll hear some snoring, he'll be able to let go of all the tension stiffening his body.

'What if I just fool you?' He's been waiting for that question, has dreaded it even, because it forces him into a position he doesn't want to be in. He wants this alliance to be a friendly one; not founded on intimidations. 'Don't make me say it,' he almost begs, hoping Kane won't prod any more.

'Oh please, enlighten me.' Of course he doesn't back away from challenging Seth. He should have known that it's not going to be that easy. Well, if the other wants this, then Seth won't deny him a little threatening. He's called the Architect for a reason.

Seth sighs a bit disappointed that it has come to this, before steeling himself and saying in the most ruthless voice he can muster up, 'I've been, well, as you said _manipulating_ the Authority for six weeks now and they're already eating out of the palm of my hand. I always manage to get the job done, even if I have to handle Dean too. After _everything_ that has happened, who do you think they would believe more?'

What follows is an intense and very awkward silence, both holding their gaze, knowing that breaking it first will mean losing the fight.

Seth hates that he has to do this, but his family's safety is his top priority. He knows that in a fight, he'd come off second best – if he'd survive it –; he's even doubting his own sanity right now, threatening someone who sets people on fire and doesn't give a flying fuck about it.

Thankfully his recklessness seems to be taken for boldness. Whatever he did, it must have worked because Kane starts to laugh, clapping his leg as if Seth just made the most hilarious joke ever. He does feel a bit insulted by this behavior, but then his counterpart snorts and tries to pull himself together again.

'You've got some guts, boy. Threatening me like that.' Oh, well, yeah. The Shield has never been afraid of anyone and Seth won't start with that now that he's on his own. And in the end, the Hardy Boyz were totally right. It's just a damn word.

But he does feel miserable for even having to intimidate someone else. Usually, Seth likes to take such things out in the ring because his abilities speak so much louder than his words and he's more convincing when he can knock someone out with the Curb Stomp. 'I'm sorry, but I can't risk you putting my family in danger.'

He has a good point there, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it can placate Kane. He grabs his water bottle and takes a sip just to do something with his hands – other than jumping on the other's bed to throttle his co-worker, so he won't ever be able to talk to anyone about Seth being a double agent. 'You don't need to. I'm in.'

What? He's so taken aback by this that he opens his mouth in shock, water running down his chin and throat, making him look like the dumbest person on earth, but he doesn't care. Did Kane just agree to work with him in the shadows?

Just like that? What's the catch?

'Really?' he breathes out, gruffly wiping away the wet streaks on his skin. He still can't believe it. '_If_ you tell me the real reason why I'm supposed to take on Dean on Smackdown.' Oh, he knew there would be a fucking drawback. He can't tell the other what he wants to know.

Or can he? Would it really hurt so much to have someone in his corner who knows about everything and couldn't care less? Somebody he could potentially finally talk to about this whole confusing situation with Dean the whole time – because getting a hold of Roman is harder than it looks these days. And Kane is the best choice anyway. Definitely better than Randy.

Seth most likely never had a real choice here anyway. The moment he convinced Kane to share this room with him tonight, he made a deal with the Devil and now it's time to keep up his end. He draws in a deep and shaky breath, fingers relentlessly working on that poor bottle, before he's confiding in Kane, 'He thinks you're here tonight because we're having a fling.'

His co-worker watches Seth's nervous movements and knits his eyebrows at his words, speaking slowly when he asks, 'Even of you were my type and we had one, why should it bother him so much that he wants my head?'

It's too obvious, isn't it? They both know the real reason, but Kane wants Seth to say it out loud, to admit it – all of it – so he himself can decide to trust Seth in return. There's no way out of this one. If he wants an ally, he'll have to lay bare every dirty detail.

Alright, no going back then. 'Remember the last dinner with the Authority?' Kane nods, mouth a thin line, so he probably won't start laughing again. Seth puts the bottle back on the nightstand but feels stupid and naked without it, so he grabs it again, getting more anxious with each passing second.

He just hopes that all of this will pay off in the end. His peace of mind (ha) depends on it. 'And you asking me if the girl was worth it?' he continues a bit hesitantly, eliciting another nod from his roommate. Can't he just say something instead of remaining quiet?

'Well, the _girl_ is Dean?' His own voice squeaks a bit at that, as if he's suddenly a teenager again, suffering from voice break all over. It's embarrassing. And it gets even worse when Kane smiles at him fatherly, asking, 'Is that a question?'

Hell, he knows very well that Kane is just toying with him, but his cheeks flare up again and he looks down as if the other just caught him with the hand in the cookie jar. Why is it so hard to admit it? He opens his mouth to confess _I'm in love with Dean Ambrose and I enjoy every second of it_, but all that comes out is a weak, 'I was talking about Dean back then.' He's a fucking wimp.

Kane grins, gaze going distant for a second and Seth knows before the other even moves his lips that this is going to be uncomfortable. 'You got a hard-on in front of everybody because of Dean Ambrose?' Okay, first of all, he knew it! Second, what, is that so unthinkable?

Dean is totally attractive. Okay, sometimes he looks like a goof, but mostly he's just super adorable and a giant dork and a lot of times he's hotter than it's good for Seth's health, and he loves that babbling buffoon with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns.

But _wait_. Hold the phone. Rewind please. Did Kane just admit that– 'You saw that? Holy shit, did anyone else... oh my God.'

Please let there be a gigantic hole in the ground, so that Seth can jump right into it and vanish from the face of the earth forever. This is the worst conversation he's ever had to endure. And he thought his dad awkwardly explaining sex between a man and a woman and – because he came out very early to his parents – two men to him had been the most horrifying moment of his life.

He's a second away from starting to cry tears of embarrassment and anger. He should just stab Kane in the heart, so no one will ever get wind of this night. Seth can already hear the roaring laughter of his brothers once – if – he'll tell them about this.

'Relax,' Kane soothes him, lying back with a smug smile on his face. 'You're not the first to pop one in front of the Authority and you won't be the last.' Seth eyes his pillow, contemplating if he would die of asphyxiation before Kane could rip it off his face. 'That's not making it any better,' he sulks, smothering his face in the cushion without any force.

'So... you and Dean. Are you two together then?' God, this just keeps getting worse. No, they're not and that's the biggest thorn in his side right now. He heaves a long-suffering sigh and replies, 'I wish.'

He can hear some rustling of fabric, but he feels too humiliated to look up. Mumbling into the pillow seems like the best choice he's made tonight, even when Kane blurts out, 'Alright, boy, you have me exactly where you want me to be. Tell me everything and I promise I will play my part.'

Of course. The sad love story of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose gets him to fucking pay attention and cooperate. This better be worth it. He groans loudly, pushing himself off the bed again to not appear rude. 'It's not gonna be a walk in the park,' he warns but it falls on deaf ears. 'It never is, Seth.'

Holy cow. That's the first time Kane has called him by his name. That's some huge shit right there at two thirty-three in the morning. This alliance might even be the beginning of something good. If it won't end in a friendship, fine, he can live with that. But Seth really hopes it'll lead to Kane remembering who he really is and letting go of the lame person he pretends to be right now.

All that's left for Seth to do is to get a hold of the Undertaker and fulfill his part of the deal. What has he gotten himself into? Why couldn't Kane's soft spot be a beautiful woman or a nice car or a decent wig?

One thing needs to be made clear though. Seth doesn't want there to be any confusion about this. 'If you betray me,' he starts to threaten once more, this time not really sure how he wants to finish this sentence, but thankfully Kane interrupts him chuckling, 'You're going to kill me?'

'What? No! The fuck?' he bursts out, throwing his hands up in defeat. Seriously, does he look like a murderer? More importantly, does Kane really believe he has it in him to end another existence? 'I will make your life a living hell,' he clarifies, a menacing scowl on his face. 'You ain't seen nothing yet. Having The Shield as your enemy... it's bad.'

Every one of them alone can inflict more pain than any human being can take without breaking apart. But all three of them together... well, Kane and his brother already have gotten a tiny taste of what that's like in the ring. And it wasn't pretty.

'The fact that you're still threatening me is really cute. But don't worry, family always comes first. Even for me.' This time Seth manages a smile too, and he distantly realizes how his heartbeat finally slows down again. He hasn't even recognized how much all of this affected him.

'Seems like _Operation Screw the Authority_ is in full swing then.' He rubs his hands like some cartoon villain, which draws out a scoff from his ally before they both start laughing. At first it's a bit awkward, but that passes quickly and soon Seth lets go of all the nervous energy in his body, knowing he's just won an important battle.

'Isn't that Dean's plan?' Kane wants to know as soon as Seth has calmed down again. There is no need to answer that one though because yes, Seth might be the mastermind but Dean has some genius moments too. And he really digs that name.


	23. finally breaking i need you to breathe

Hey guys! Thanks to all of you who are still here with me. I wish I could hug all of you personally! So, this turned into a tiny monster again, but the next part is a tiny one because it's - surprise, surprise - written from a character's point of view that is not part of The Shield. So, I'm pretty exhausted and don't know what else to say. Except for one thing. Does anyone else have problems with identifying direct speech because I only use ' instead of "? Just curious. Well then, have fun reading this 3

* * *

What a disastrous and horrible night.

First Cesaro tries to weasel his way further into the Authority because he broke up with Paul – and who the heck ever said that there can't be two Heyman guys at the same time? – and then Seth goes out there to attack Dean like he was supposed to, just to end up almost decimating him, unintentionally challenging the Swiss to some _who can finish Ambrose off better_ game.

What was that guy even thinking, giving Dean the Neutralizer? Dean is his, and his alone, no matter how many times Triple H will order some bald moron around to take care of the unfinished business. Seth thinks he's made it pretty clear in the past that he wants to be the one dealing with his brother.

Cesaro is a riddle Seth can't solve and it's frustrating him to no end. He can't assess the other's motives, but Seth knows for sure that he cannot trust him. Even Kane has agreed with him on that.

With the Swiss around it's also not as easy to manipulate everyone of the Authority anymore as it used to be. Seth feels like all his hard work from the past two months just got eradicated. He's back to where he began. His only advantage is Kane, who's one of the best allies Seth could have ever asked for.

That man seriously earned himself an upgrade from the weird and creepy uncle to a valuable and welcome godparent. But that also reminds him of the simple fact that Seth still has to soften up the Undertaker.

He groans loudly, pulling at his hair until it hurts, and sags down on the bench in the locker room of the Authority, happily noticing that Cesaro's stuff is already gone.

Well, at least Taker's phone number and home address are in his hands already. That part was the easy one. All it took was some snooping around in Stephanie's office in the McMahon-Helmsley mansion during one of their monthly dinners while he said he had to go to the bathroom real quick.

Technically, the only thing Seth needs to do now is drive there and talk face to face to the man. If he's being completely honest with himself, he's considering taking Dean with him, to have someone backing him up in case anything goes wrong.

He puts on the gray Authority shirt for the time being and pulls out his family phone after making sure there is no one in the hall who will enter the room in the next few minutes. If he would have known what kind of messages await him, he'd have read them in the safety of his hotel room.

There are four texts from Roman, each one feeling like his brother stabs a dagger into his heart with brute force. Of course he wouldn't be able to let this go, being the protective and caring person he is. Seth had just hoped that they would discuss this together some time later, so that he could come up with an explanation as to why he did and said that shit to his brother in the ring.

_if you hurt dean i am gonna kill you  
i do not care who you are  
i will murder you  
believe that_

He gets it. Seth deserves all the heat in the world, all the hatred for delivering the _when are you gonna learn to die_ line. He now realizes that it was way over the top. As was the overall attack. He honestly can't say what happened out there. Seth had just spaced out and kicked Dean in the face once, twice, once more and then again and again, almost beheading him.

He wasn't even particularly angry or anything, no, he just snapped. This whole Cesaro debacle is giving him a serious headache and makes him jittery, which automatically leads to fuck ups and grave mistakes.

Lashing out at Dean like this was not planned. Begging his brother to finally bite the dust apparently hasn't only aggravated and scared Seth, it also pissed off the big hound. He has a lot of fixing to do. Again. God, when will this end?

Seth takes a look at his watch, only needing two seconds to decide to search for Roman and Dean right now, so he can settle this before it grows into something too big for him to handle. Roman's match starts in maybe five minutes, so he needs to move fast.

Which is kind of hard, because his knee is still acting up, but he wobbles around backstage anyway, trying to find the one hiding spot his brothers chose for that night. After spending their time in the locker room for a while, they've realized they want to be left alone rather than being together with people they can't really stand.

All three of them are more comfortable when they're either alone or together with the few ones they actually do like.

While he limps around as fast as he can, Seth types away a message, hoping to hear Roman's ringtone going off in the distance, so he can follow the sound.

_I would never hurt him. I mean, you know, other than the stuff I have to do on camera for Trip._

He has no such luck.

Seth prays silently that this is enough to convince Roman, because it's definitely not good enough to make him feel better. He knows he's crossed a line tonight, has lost his shit in front of the whole world because all of this is too much for him, because he's at the end of his rope.

Because Cesaro is about to take his brother and his position in the Authority away from him and he can't let that happen.

Taking it out on none other than Dean was a big mistake though. His friend has done nothing wrong, has just accepted the challenge the Authority threw his way and once again proved to all of them that he can overcome everything. People always tend to claim Dean Ambrose is crazy, that he needs to be put to rest because he's one Curb Stomp away from losing it.

Tonight though, Seth showed the whole world that Dean is not the weak one. No, it's him. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore, has seen red all of a sudden and ruthlessly attacked his own flesh and blood – well, you know – to a point he didn't even recognize himself anymore.

His phone beeps and he looks down at the display, wincing when he sees his fingers still shaking violently, as if they're afraid that Seth will command them once more to assault the one person they wanna hold close for the rest of eternity.

_i have to get ready for my match  
just promise me you will not take this any further than that_

He really wishes he could. But what happened tonight... it might happen again. He's losing the control over himself and his actions, which makes him even more insecure and uncertain. Truth be told, he's fucking scared of himself right now and he needs, more than anything, to talk to Dean, feel safe again, at _home_ and only his brother can give this to him.

Seth yearns for forgiveness for all the things he did tonight, for what might take place in the future. Because one day, he may not be able to stop himself. He just has to believe that someone – hopefully Roman – will intervene if that ever happens.

_Rome, I can't. I have to do what I have to do.  
But I swear to you that I'll look out for him._

That is, as long as his brain is still working at full capacity. Tonight he blacked out; the only thing echoing in his head a deafening contact noise that drowned out any other sounds. His eyes had solely been focused on Dean until his brother was lying on the canvas, breathing heavily, unable to move.

He expects Roman to write something along the lines of _Don't bullshit me, you weren't yourself tonight. I can't leave Dean in your hands anymore. You can't keep him safe, so stay the fuck away from my family, you crazy son of a bitch_. But that doesn't sound like his big brother, does it?

No, that's what Seth is thinking right now, what a snarky little voice in his head is telling him in an endless loop. And it's absolutely right. He has become a danger to his brother – _he_, the one who sacrifices everything to be the other's shield.

Roman doesn't text back, because either he's already on the way to the ring or just too fed up with his lies and empty promises to even think about ever talking to him again.

Seth sighs tiredly and rounds a corner, already completely lost, when he bumps into someone. He's close to shouting at the guy for not paying attention – not that he did either, but at least he has a good explanation – when he looks up and recognizes a very familiar set of blue eyes.

Of all the people he could have run into, he crossed paths with Dean; the only person he actually _wants_ to see right now. There's a thick bandage covering his brother's shoulder and chest, the bright white almost blinding Seth while a new wave of nausea and guilt washes over him.

Dean is – apart from the bandages – walking around shirtless, the wife-beater long gone. The sight is doing things to Seth he can't deal with at the moment. He needs to stay focused, because running into his friend was some twist of fate and he can't let that opportunity pass by because he was too busy ogling Dean.

Seems like his brother has just walked out of the medical staff zone, surprise written all over his face. And no matter how much time Seth gives him to change that into a scowl or frown; it never happens.

Dean looks him in the eyes for the longest time, pupils dilating ever so slightly, before Seth can't take it anymore. He doesn't care where they are, who they're supposed to be, how much he's stepping out of his role right now. If he won't apologize to his brother, he'll never be able to live with himself again.

'I'm sorry, man. I have no idea what happened out there,' he whispers urgently, pushing Dean around the corner and into a dimly lit area of the arena. His brother never once breaks the eye contact, watching Seth with an expression that he can only describe as, well, as _adoration_.

It's freaking him out a bit, because Dean should be furious, should raise his voice at him how he dare threaten his life, what the heck Cesaro is up to and why Seth can't put the King of Swing on a very tight leash, why he lost his grip on reality out there and tried to stomp off Dean's head.

His best friend shouldn't look at him as if Seth is the most important thing in the world, as if he hung the moon and stole the stars for him. There's a fire in Dean's eyes that scares Seth, a passion he has never seen before lighting up the blue irises.

Seth backs away a few steps, hands still lingering on his brother's arms, fingertips running gingerly over the muscles, as if his body doesn't want to let go of whatever spellbinding moment they're sharing.

'Dean?' he croaks out, voice trembling as much as his fingers. His friend won't stop looking at him though and his gaze turns even warmer and more longing than Seth can withstand. He's one blink away from pushing Dean against the wall to just take him, to devour his friend here and now.

Not only to escape that intense, way too soulful staring contest, but also to quiet down the burning desire setting his veins on fire ever since he ran into Dean a few seconds ago. Well, quite frankly, ever since he admitted to himself that he was head over heels for his brother.

It's like the whole world slows down around them, all the noise around them disappears until there's only Seth's rabbiting heartbeat and their ragged breathing left. His brain is once again zeroing in on Dean's face, trying to figure out why his brother looks at him like he's everything he's been searching for his entire life. Like he finally understood without a shadow of a doubt where he belongs.

It's breathtakingly beautiful and intimidating at the same time. Just like all these weeks ago, when Seth could see it in Dean's face that he finally came to the decision to let Seth in, to allow himself to love someone. It frightened him the first time and it's making him want to make a run for it now too.

He's totally disappointed by himself because he thought after everything they've been through, he'd be prepared for this, that he would even welcome Dean's devotion. Instead it just suffocates him.

Seth isn't able to get his face under control – doesn't even think about it in this very moment –, so of course Dean gets wind of his hesitation and fear. His brother's gaze turns stone cold in the blink of an eye and his hands get churlishly pushed away, but that doesn't stop Seth from reaching out once more.

He wants to show Dean that he _is_ ready, just a bit insecure, that's all. He _can_ be Dean's only light in the darkness, his anchor and paddle, his protector and (second) best friend. Because that's what his brother is for him too. Seth wants to be his lover, to wake up next to Dean again and see the sunlight dance over the other's face until it bothers him so much that he opens his eyes.

Seth wishes for a day he will lie in bed and it won't be too big for him alone – no matter how tiny it might be. For a moment he'll open the door of a hotel room and his brothers are already there, waiting for him, smiling and hugging Seth, making an oath to never let him go again.

He needs that one second in his life when everything goes back to normal. When the oppressive silence and darkness won't choke him anymore. When he'll stop staring at the walls, thinking about that awful moment when it all went wrong, when he fucked up one too many times.

Seth can't live without Dean, he's dead certain about that. And yet, he's afraid of what they could become, so he distances himself from his friend every time they're ready to take it to the next level. He has to stop this, sooner rather than later.

Dean can trust his words, his resolve, because Seth is willing to go the distance. It's just that he's a little bit fragile at the moment – his mind more than anything else –, so all he's asking of Dean is to take it slow.

It's a bit hypocritical, he knows, because he wouldn't have any objections against some mind-blowing sex, but as soon as it's about deep feelings and life-changing love confessions he's about to chicken out.

If he's gonna be defined by his actions, then so be it; he'll prove himself if Dean stays patient with him. Seth knows he's not a perfect human being, has hurt his family more than he can make it up to them, but he is right about this. Without Dean, there is no more hope, no reason for him to get up in the morning, no sense in life.

The lesson he's learned out of all of this is that when you can't walk, you go down on your knees and you start crawling. And if you're not even able to do that, to move just one more inch on your own, then you find someone who is willing to carry you.

If there is anyone in this world who would ditch everything to run to his side and pick him up, to carry him out of every possible misery, it's Dean.

He opens his mouth to say all of this, but not a single sound comes out. God, he's so pathetic. So instead of just outright telling his companion that he one day would love to have a bond with Dean that is indestructible – or at least can only be broken by death itself – he cups the other's face in his hands to check him for any injuries.

Because that undoubtedly incredible match with Cesaro must have left some marks on his skin and his Curb Stomps can leave his opponents with a concussion if he executes them the right way. Unfortunately, he has no recollection of his finishing move tonight, so he can't say if this one was particularly brutal or not.

But Dean won't have any of that, yanks himself free once again. Whatever transpired between them, whatever made Dean look at him as if he'd burst out with a heartfelt _I love you more than anything else in this entire world_ is gone now. It's like there suddenly is a wall of unbreakable ice separating them, and Seth knows for sure it's entirely his fault.

This turns into yet another frustrating situation that will keep him up at night.

'Look, I'm sorry for what I yelled out there,' he apologizes, unable to say anything of importance. If he can't find the right words to show Dean how much he needs him in his life yet, then he'll have to regroup and try again some other day. For now, all he can do is damage control.

'I guess I just blew a fuse. Are you okay?' Dean's lips twitch, but they won't bless Seth with a smile. Instead he gets an angry glare and a mocking, 'Does it look like I'm _okay_?' Judging by the intensity of those stormy blue eyes, Seth would rather say that his brother is about to squeeze the life out of him once again, this time fully intending on finishing what he started.

'No, you look as if you're about to fly off the handle. You want me to leave?' He's not asking to save his sorry ass. Right now, he couldn't care less about his well-being. Maybe he'd even feel good if Dean would attack him too, so they are even again. Nothing can ever make him forget this evening and how he lost control over everything.

'What?' Dean spits out, voice bitter and accusing. 'You tell me to die but are too afraid to deal with the repercussions? Don't give me yet another reason to believe you're a coward.' What a nice way to say _no, please, don't go; you might have scarred me forever but don't you dare leave me alone_.

Alrighty then, they're doing things the Dean Ambrose way. Honestly? Seth totally loves that. If only it wouldn't constantly confuse him so much. Okay, so he's not yet sick of seeing his face but Dean isn't overly fond of his presence right now either. Leaving isn't even an option but staying seems wrong too.

'What should I do then?' he asks hesitantly, squirming under Dean's fierce stare. His brother just draws up his eyebrows expectantly, making Seth realize that he has to understand this one on his own. Dean won't give him any tips on how he could fix this current situation.

It's vital for their future that Seth learns to stand on his own two feet once in a while.

Some higher power must have heard his internal pleas and prayers because both their phones beep at the same time and save Seth from having to come up with a solution.

Dean frowns at his cell and curiosity sparks up in Seth but he refrains from watching his brother's message to read his own. It's Roman once again, rescuing his baby brother just like in the good old times. He can always count on Rome to keep him out of harm's way.

_one more thing  
did you lick his hair_

What? Did the camera catch that one too? Seth can't recall much from that vicious attack, but he does remember sticking his tongue out and letting it graze over Dean's hair before he screamed at him to kick the bucket. It's a complete mystery to him why he did the thing. It felt kinda mandatory at the time to get a taste of his friend's wet hair.

He never insisted that all of his decisions are wise ones.

'You licked my head?' Dean asks, confusion and amusement fighting for dominance on his face, all ire suddenly gone.

'Oh God, he sent that to you too?' That traitor. Dean didn't know, and he would never have if it weren't for their big brother. Now he has to justify himself for yet another stupid course of action – and he doesn't even know how.

'Did you?' Dean presses on, a small smile dancing across his lips and the grumpy expression vanishes into thin air. 'You didn't feel it?' he asks back, feeling trapped in a corner he doesn't even want to get out of. Happy Dean is so much better than Angry Dean and Seth would lick that dirty blond hair for the rest of his life if it'll mean he gets to see the chipper one day in, day out.

'Sorry, no, my bad,' his brother counters, tone dark and rough, but there's still a mischievous spark in his eyes, telling Seth that Dean doesn't really mean it. 'I was concentrating on the pain in my back and shoulder and you screaming into my ear to stay the fuck down, to fucking _die_already.'

He gets the feeling he should say something to defend himself, to soothe Dean's simmering anger, because he said and did some awful stuff out there and this is not how he wants his family to remember him. But Dean beats him to everything he might have replied.

'So you did insult and lick me at the same time. Some classy shit you pulled there, Rollins.'

Is that pride and maybe even a tiny hint of forgiveness he hears?

_No, I didn't!_

'I might have,' he confesses while sending the lie to Roman. If everyone could see it on television there is actually no use denying it, but he still wants to try and keep a part of his dignity, praying that his big brother won't call him out on it.

'You're so weird,' Dean laughs, absently rubbing with his flat hand over his chest and collarbone, the nicely ringing sound of it helping Seth to concentrate on their conversation again. Maybe if he tells his family about his current problems, they'll be able to help him. He shouldn't always try to sort things out on his own.

He wrings his hands and bites down hard on his bottom lip to stop himself from touching Dean. It's very tempting, especially because his brother stopped being pissed at him once again – seriously, Dean's mood changes faster than a chameleon its color – but it would distract him to a point he could only babble things like _your chest is so chiseled_ or _I wanna rub my cheeks against yours all day long, just to see who of us will get stubble burn first_.

He can do that once they have taken the next step towards a serious relationship. There is still plenty of time for him to embarrass himself with screwball stuff like that.

So instead of grabbing his friend by the wrists he fiddles with the hem of his gray shirt, gaze fixed on a point behind Dean while he squeezes the next words out in one quick breath, eager to get it all out before he chokes on it.

'I'm just a basket case these days because Cesaro wants to be Hunter's guy even though he already has a guy and I can't– Dean, I can't let him join but I also can't outright sabotage him. He's smarter than Randy. I don't know what to do and I snapped. I'm sorry; I manhandled you, totally lost it out there. Can you forgive me?'

He can see Dean furrowing his brows, which automatically draws his eyes back to his friend's face. 'Oh Seth, Seth,' his brother says, drawing out his name and making it sound like a reprimand. He can tell by the tone alone that this is not going to be something he will like to hear.

'You want my _forgiveness_? Fine, have it. Tuck yourself in bed with it. Spread it out on the sheets and roll around in it to your heart's desire. Breathe it in, get off on it, I don't fucking care.' Well, that was awesome. They should do this more often, it really helps calming the waves. Great bonding activity.

He can't help but huff a bit annoyed. Seth was trying to sincerely apologize for freaking out like that and all Dean does is make fun of him. He so doesn't need that tonight. Maybe he should go back to his dressing room and watch the end of Roman's match.

It certainly beats listening to Dean pulling his leg. He turns around, ready to leave his idiotic brother behind without a goodbye – _yeah, experience first hand how awful that feels, jerk_ – when warm fingers wrap themselves around his own. 'I can't forgive you.'

He's tired of always being the reasonable one, the one who backs down to end an argument. Just once, he wants to stomp off angrily like Dean or retreat back into himself for some Samoan time like Roman. Is it too much to ask to not be the rational one who says things like, 'I suppose it's just fair.'

Apparently, it is. He has accepted the role of the mediator a long time ago and that's what he'll always be. The guy in the middle, forced to sit on the fence for the rest of eternity.

Dean rolls his eyes at him, dragging him even deeper into the shadows, voice barely above an urgent whisper. 'No, you moron. I can't bless you with my condonation because I'm not mad,' his brother clarifies and Seth's whole train of thought comes to an abrupt halt. That's a joke, right? A cruel and totally unnecessary one at that.

Everyone would be enraged by Seth's action – hell, even _he_ is totally offended by what he did tonight and he wasn't even on the receiving end of those kicks and insults –, so why should Dean, of all people, claim he's totally cool with it?

Seth crosses his arms over his chest, clearly upset with the blatant lie his friend just threw at him and still very intend on leaving Dean behind if this taunting continues.

His brother seems to get the message because his body deflates a bit, shoulders sagging down. There is a small pained wince escaping Dean's lips before he uses his right hand to switch their positions, gently pushing Seth around and against the wall.

'I admit, it was a bit, you know, odd to hear you wishing for my death, but you had to do it. You already compared me to a cockroach that needs to be squashed, so I think even if you lost your marbles for a second, your mouth still knew what it was supposed to do.'

That really sounds a lot like Dean has never even thought about holding this against him. In his companion's mind it's crystal clear why Seth had to almost decapitate him. It's unbelievable how much luck Seth has with this man. Anyone with a different mindset would have dumped him immediately after arriving backstage, but Dean found an explanation that makes sense to him and with that he can live just fine.

He always knew that Dean Ambrose was the best and right choice.

'And it's nice to see how much my presence alone affects you, how much I'm still confusing you,' his friend grins at him, encouraging Seth to do the same. His lips won't stop twisting into the biggest, almost face-splitting smile that he has ever flashed at the other.

There's no need to answer, because he's pretty sure his expression says it all. How relieved he is that Dean is part of his life and not even mad at him for going crazy and taking all of his doubts and anger out on him in front of all those fans, and how much he loves Dean for being the awesome best friend he is.

His brother places a hand on the back of his skull and draws him into his personal space, hugging Seth close to his chest with just one arm. He can smell the typical stench of ointment and medical bandages, as well as dried sweat and the fading scent of Dean's fragrance.

It's a bizarre mixture of an aroma that reminds him of safety and their shared past. Of too small hotel rooms and tiny rental cars, pizza parlors, their title polishing sessions and little brawls for the remote, of cuddling with Rome in bed every night. All in all, it just makes him really sad because it too is showing him what he misses out on ever since he committed treason.

Dean won't let go of him though, keeps him close to his heart and Seth rests his forehead on his brother's uninjured shoulder, breathing in the mixture of old memories and deep-rooted affection, perfectly content with their positions. He could stay like this for the rest of their lives.

His brother grants him a few seconds – or minutes, Seth can't really tell; he's too lost in the moment – before Dean chuckles lightly into his ear, cheek pressing Seth's head gently against his throat, so he can't escape.

'You know Ro is gonna get mad at you for trying to hump me in the ring.' He snorts, fingers trying to get a hold of something, so they caress Dean's abs before they move down to awkwardly fidget around with the silver rings of Dean's belt.

'I didn't,' he tries to object but cuts himself off almost immediately. He can say whatever he wants, there's no way he can ever erase the shit-eating grin taking over his friend's face. He can feel it at the back of his head and closes his eyes to imagine it in all its glory.

And because it really doesn't matter anyway, he adds jokingly, 'What can I say, you turn me on.' It may be a little bit desperate, but it feels so nice to be held by his brother while playing with the hem of the other's jeans and belt that he wants this moment to last forever.

He must have done something right with that half-assed one-liner because Dean just traps his body between himself and the wall, somehow managing to move up his aching arm to put his left hand on Seth's throat, lifting his head in the process, so Dean can look him in the eyes when he whispers with a raspy voice, 'Shh, stop talking.'

His brother starts nibbling at his neck and Seth's knee give way dangerously, while his eyes take a quick look to the side to ensure they're completely alone and a strange sound – something between a high-pitched whine and a groan – escapes his lips. This is a highly dangerous stunt they're pulling here and they shouldn't–

_Fuck_. Okay, maybe they have like two minutes.

God, if Dean doesn't give a crap and continues to plant soft kisses on his oversensitive neck, then why should he?

Seth takes matters in his hands, quite literally, and forces Dean with his nose to turn his head around a bit, so he can steal a real kiss. It's surprisingly a chaste one, which is so not satisfying at all. Seth is like a bloodhound. Once he gets the taste of something good, he wants more.

So he dashes forward, capturing Dean's lips with his, gently forcing them open to finally, _finally_ get access to the warm heaven that lies beneath. His fingers move on their own accord, fumbling with the stupid belt until they're able to unbuckle it.

The moment Dean realizes that Seth has just opened his fly, he uses his hips to stop Seth's movements – which might not be the best decision Dean has ever made because now their bodies are pressed against each other from the waist down and it's really hard to hide an arousal in a position like this.

Distantly, in a very far away corner of his mind, Seth wonders how far this will go, even though Dean just made a move that could be seen as _don't you fucking dare using your magic fingers in a shady place like this_ or _this is my yard, we're gonna play by my rules, bitch_.

Because not so long ago his brother slapped him in the face with those stinging words after getting the wrong idea about him and Kane. But Seth got the message that was hiding underneath all that hateful stuff. Basically, Dean promised him that there wouldn't be any intimacy as long as Dean doesn't know for sure that Seth won't get cold feet again.

If his mouth wouldn't be so preoccupied with chasing after Dean's lips whenever his brother breaks a kiss, he'd probably ask if Dean has come to a definite decision yet or if this little thing right now is just happening in the heat of the moment; probably all because Seth did crawl on top of his friend in the ring tonight totally on purpose and it turned both of them on.

But even in the peaceful moments – when the tips of their noses touch and they're panting slightly into each other's mouths, hot breath on his skin making Seth shudder in the most pleasant way – he can't force himself to break the silence with a question that might not only ruin this here but also all the things they've accomplished so far.

So, he just throws caution in the wind and lets Dean take over the wheel. That way, no one can blame him for going too far or not far enough or taking things too fast instead of way too slow. He'll just do what he does best and that is trust Dean and his own heart.

His friend's hands seem to be everywhere at the same time, running up and down his torso, the sensation so electrifying that for a second he's convinced his skin is on fire, burning him without actually hurting. He can hear a ripping sound and instantly panics, thinking he just tore his awfully expensive pants. But then he sees something gray falling down to the ground, fingers playing around with his chest hair a heartbeat later and he knows Dean just slashed his Authority shirt.

When Dean smiles dotingly against his lips Seth's brain practically explodes, leaving him completely helpless what to do or say, other than returning the favor by murmuring, 'I love you.'

Dean's whole body freezes but there is nothing Seth can do about it because at that moment someone clobbers both of them over the head, crudely interrupting their rare cozy time together.

In hindsight, he has to admit it's their luck that the person he wants to brutally murder right now is Roman, standing before them with the most intense scowl darkening his features, all sweaty and oily and ready to punch them some more for being so stupid and reckless.

'I'm so tired of your bullshit,' their brother sighs, grabbing Dean by the shoulder and yanking him away from Seth. There's a second whine echoing in the barely lit hallway and Seth feels so cold all of a sudden, bereft of Dean's body heat.

Whatever complaint he wanted to hiss at his big brother, it dies on his tongue when Roman shakes his head a bit disappointed and pinches the bridge of his nose. 'Guys, I get it, mutual attraction and all that. _I_ can see it, the world can definitely see it and, I mean, I can almost _smell_ your neediness– oh, for God's sake, Dean, put your pants back on.'

Seth snickers when he realizes that his friend's jeans got pushed down to his ankles somewhere along the way. 'You, quiet,' Roman seethes, kneeling down to pick up the torn pieces of his shirt before he smacks them against his chest. 'This is, I can't even believe how stupid the two of you– playing with fire and, God, I should just make signs for everyone in the goddamn arena to follow them here if they want to see something _not_ funny.'

Dean flashes Seth a toothy grin and fucking winks at him, as if that had been his plan all along. Because angering the growly alpha wolf is the best idea in the world.

'We're leaving and you,' Roman grits out, pointing accusingly at Seth, 'should go too. And take care of that unfinished business. What are you, horny little teenagers?' He needs a moment to understand that his brother doesn't mean Dean thwarting Hunter's plans but the erection in his leather pants.

He holds up his thumbs smiling bashfully, making Dean laugh out really loud, while Roman just rubs over his eyes tiredly. He pushes Dean away from Seth as soon as he's properly dressed again and turns around one last time to stare Seth down, just to hug him close and whisper in his ear, 'Don't make me worry about your frame of mind too.'

Oh right, there had been a reason why Seth tried to find his family a while ago. He nods reassuringly and puts the shredded shirt back on. Actually, now it's a nice vest.

Dean waves a bit awkwardly and walks away from him, always staying close to Roman and bumping into him with his good shoulder. The last thing Seth hears – his family has already rounded the corner – is, 'I hope you feel horrible because you just cockblocked me.'

The roaring laughter of both his brothers seems to echo through the whole arena, following him even into the changing room, giving him the strength he needs to face the last members of the Authority still occupying the room. They do notice his _little problem _as well as his ripped shirt but are nice enough to not comment on it.

Their amused side glances are punishment enough.


	24. will it end when it all burns down?

This is something different, but it fits into the story and was a lot of fun to do, to be honest. Compared to the chapter I'm writing about Smackdown it was a piece of cake. I'm having the worst kind of writer's block right now, it's not even funny anymore. Anyway, I hope you have fun with Kane. I know I did =)

* * *

The moment he steps into the locker room of the Authority, the kid's nervous tension almost smothers him. He stops rubbing over his jaw – seriously, he is so tired of being on the receiving end of those Superman Punches – and frowns at the sight greeting him.

All members of the Authority, minus Stephanie and Randy of course, are standing around the television, watching how The Viper assaults Roman Reigns without ever taking a break to catch his breath.

Triple H is following the events with a satisfied grin on his face, glee sparkling in his eyes. The kid on the other hand is standing there stock-still, eyes glued to the screen, shock and disgust written all over his face. Once again, he is not able to conceal the concern for his brother.

Kane can't understand how it is even possible that Hunter hasn't put two and two together yet. The boy is standing right next to him, biting his bottom lip relentlessly, fingers clenching into fists over and over again. It's a miracle the kid hasn't blown his cover yet. On the other hand, this just proves what a brilliant liar, bootlicker and actor he usually is.

Since Kane has agreed to help him whenever he can – and whenever he deems it fit – he walks up to Seth to stand by his other side, lightly touching the back of his hand to get his attention.

Triple H is still engrossed by Randy hammering away on Roman Reigns but Seth's eyes go wide when he recognizes him, a sweaty hand clutches his desperately, as if he wants to ask Kane telepathically why he left his brother out there totally defenseless and at the mercy of that raging Apex Predator.

Well, for one, Seth told him to _not_ interfere in anything between Roman and Randy, even though he is pretty sure the kid meant a match, not a street brawl. And for two, he's not supposed to hurt Roman – Seth was pretty clear about that; had begged him frantically to go easy on his whole family at all costs. If he had stayed, he would have had to help Randy take the half-Samoan apart.

Which would most likely have ended in an RKO to Kane too, because Orton has definitely lost it – ironically the same way everyone predicted Dean Ambrose would snap – and doesn't care who is his friend or foe. He has even crossed his associate Hunter, so it wouldn't matter if Kane is his ally or not.

And getting the Superman Punch yet again is enough for one night. Kane knows he is not the youngest guy on the roster, that he, as well as his brother, doesn't have many matches in him anymore. And he wants to make them count, if he gets the chance to.

So all he can do right now is squeeze the kid's hand in reassurance while on the screen Roman gets manhandled by Randy. Kane can't remember a day when he has seen Roman so beat down and hurt. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Seth doesn't even look at the television anymore, just keeps his eyes focused on Kane's. There's powerlessness and horror written all over his young face – and he has to give it to the boy, Seth has predicted completely correct that Randy would lash out at Roman after getting fed up with Triple H and his blown title chance earlier tonight; he really is one of the smartest guys Kane has ever met –, as well as the silent plea to go out there again to help his brother.

They both know Dean is in the arena, hiding somewhere, even though he's supposed to be on promotion tour. The other probably cut that as short as possible to be here tonight for Roman's match or to prevent Seth from cashing in his Money in the Bank contract, not really in the mood to deal with overzealous fans anyway. Coming out to aid Roman would be the next logical step.

And yet Kane can't see the cameras capture a flash of the man. Roman Reigns is all alone out there, getting beaten to the ground every time he tries to stand up again.

When Hunter starts snickering, Seth's expression changes into one of pure, unrestrained wrath, before he pulls himself together and forces out a strained sound that is close to a laugh, all the while clapping his boss on the shoulder to keep up the facade. What a brave little soldier.

'I gotta admit, this really impresses me,' Hunter says proudly and Kane watches curiously how Seth nods towards their boss just to whip his head around, so he can show Kane his real face. It's devastating and also breaking his heart a little. Seth is so desperate that he's probably close to commit a fatal error.

Like attacking Triple H for insulting his family or running out there and giving Randy the beating of his life for touching his brother.

He never thought that the day would come, but here he is, worrying about Seth Rollins of all people. What can he say, he has started to like the kid. And he's really intrigued by his promise to give him his own brother back. Kane doesn't need anyone to talk to Taker, but the offer was a well placed bait he couldn't not take.

So he shakes his head warningly while taking off his mask to not raise any suspicion. Judging by the dirty look he gets, Seth understood the message. Hunter gladly didn't get wind of this at all.

The kid swallows hard and bites back the tears threatening to spill because of his utter uselessness. Kane can see it clear as day, the boy is rushing towards the breaking point and he can't let that happen.

He doesn't need Seth as much as the kid needs him, but even he has a heart, so Kane lays a protective hand on his shoulder, snarling for good measure, 'He just gets what he deserves.' Triple H shoots him an appreciative glance while Seth tries not to stomp on Kane's foot as he begins to drag the boy away from the screen.

He shouldn't be watching this, well, this funeral of his own brother. Not when there's absolutely nothing he can do to prevent it from happening. Seth still has a lot to learn and keeping up a good game face all the time is one of those things. 'Don't you want to get ready for your match? I can give you some tips, I know Jericho very well.'

Seth stares at him for a while, grateful but barely able to smile, before he clears his throat and puts his invisible armor back on. 'I don't need your advice, Kane. I can take on that old-timer by myself,' the kid huffs out dignified, as if it is an insult that Kane even thought he would need any help.

Now that is what he calls keeping the lie alive.

'You'll be fine,' Triple H adds, still not looking at them. 'I know Chris better than anyone, he's got nothing you should be afraid of. Make him pay, Rollins.'

Seth just flips the bird at Hunter's back, not even thinking about defending Stephanie's honor and dashes out of the room. Kane stands there awkwardly for maybe a second, before he claps Hunter on the shoulder and leaves too. The haunted look in the kid's eyes is all he can think about, which is why he has decided on a whim to follow him.

Just to make sure he's not getting into any trouble. Kane is not quite convinced that he won't storm out there and bash Randy's head in. Which would help no one, not even Roman.

The first thing Seth does, as soon as he has put some space between himself and the Authority, is bending over, hands on the wall to support himself, while he coughs and wheezes; evidently fighting against the need of his body to empty its stomach. But no matter how long he stands there, retching violently, nothing will come out. Seth wipes angrily over his mouth and starts jogging again.

Kane keeps a safe distance, always on his guard to duck behind the next corner should Seth turn around, but he doesn't even need to worry. The boy is so focused on running around the arena at the speed of light, obviously knowing very well where he wants to go.

He has some trouble keeping up, but it's only taking them maybe thirty seconds to reach their destination. Kane has no idea where they are, hasn't paid any attention to their surroundings to be honest, but he knows that he just found one of the infamous hiding spots of The Shield.

It's almost completely dark around here, which isn't all that good because of his bad eye, so he scoots as close as he can without getting caught by Seth and... well, look at that, none other than Dean Ambrose.

The kid's brother is watching something on his phone, hasn't even seen Seth yet; the light of the technical device like a beacon in the dark. Much like Seth, Dean doesn't seem very happy about the things he's looking at, which is why Kane deduces that he too is following the events taking place around the ring in this moment.

What he is able to witness now might just be the most spellbinding thing he has ever laid eyes on. Seth is still worried sick but the moment he's standing next to Dean it's like all of his burden vanishes, his whole face lighting up on its own. The kid's body posture gets more confident – and not in the arrogant way Kane has seen in the ring lately – while he simultaneously seems to finally be at ease. Back home.

There is no doubt about it. Right at Dean's side is the _only_ place Seth belongs. Kane can't believe how he's never truly understood that before.

He always knew these three guys had a tight bond that couldn't be destroyed so easily, but even he had been fooled by Seth's betrayal, had thought he'd been wrong about the Hounds of Justice.

Now that he sees Dean smiling wearily but brightly when he realizes Seth is standing close to him – even though Roman is still getting the beating of his life – he can congratulate himself for being right all along.

The Shield is a close unit and nothing can bring it down, can drive a wedge between its members. Family does keep gravitating around each other like magnets, constantly pushing and pulling. They're the ones that complete you, the ones you can trust explicitly and wage war with because in the end, they're also the ones loving you no matter what you do.

Seth stares at Dean's phone for a second before he puts his fingers on it to turn the footage off. 'Why aren't you helping him?' the kid asks grimly, sadness and anger casting a shadow over his face.

'This isn't you,' he presses on, looking around suspiciously – and Kane barely manages to hide in the very last second – before he tries to yank Dean to the ring. 'I know everyone thinks you're not even here, but you have to save Rome. Randy is killing him.'

There's hopelessness in his voice and something so innocently desperate that his own heart clenches because it reminds him of a time when he had been young and lonely, trapped in a too colorless room with no one to talk to and the only wish he was able to write down on a paper every day was to let him see his brother, the other survivor of the fire.

Dean averts his gaze and shakes his head, wet strands of it falling into his eyes. 'I can't,' he answers slowly, a plea for forgiveness predominant in his voice. 'Ro said that this is _his_ fight, not mine. You belong to me. Orton and Hunter are his business.'

Taking out the enemy one by one. Their brotherhood works even better than he has imagined. The kid has always claimed to be the glue keeping them together but Kane has a feeling that it might actually be Dean – the very heart of The Shield.

He's going to have so much fun with the kid in the future. Kane really hopes that his role in Seth's plan won't end soon, because he wants to spend as much time as possible around these three guys, trying to figure out the blind faith and understanding they share, even after all that has happened to and between them.

He always thought he has seen it all, but maybe even he can still learn something from them in regards to his own relationship with his sibling.

Dean places a hand on Seth's head and draws him in, planting a featherlight kiss on the kid's forehead before he ruffles through the two-toned hair almost tenderly.

Seth lets him for a second or two but then he shakes it off and takes a step towards his friend, fingers tightly pressed against the other's chest. 'But,' he huffs, unable to continue the sentence. Dean just smiles tiredly, dragging the kid down to give him an one-armed embrace.

'You know Ro. He'll take it like a man and get up again. Nothing can keep us down.' That is true. Kane has seen these three kids take beating after beating and still end up on top at the end of the night. It wasn't just an empty threat when Dean said that you can try to kill their little pack but you'll never be fully successful.

(The only one able to take it apart had to come from within.)

He is not quite sure why this fills him with such pride but it is a nice experience. How he would love to be a fly on the wall as soon as Seth will talk to his own brother. That conversation – if Taker lets it happen in the first place – will be a highly entertaining one.

Seth lowers his head in defeat, a tiny sigh echoing through the dark hallway. There is nothing he can do to save Roman from Randy's wrath and that is one of the worst feelings in the world. He knows that better than anyone.

Roman Reigns stole Randy's title shot because The Viper and the Authority have taken Seth from him. No matter how you look at it, this is all about their little family and how much they rely on and love each other. Over the decades, Kane has almost forgotten what that is like.

'You should get ready for your match and I'm gonna see how Ro's doing,' Dean suggests eventually, pushing himself off the wall he'd been leaning against and nodding towards the hallway Kane is hiding in. Seth however is standing there rooted to the spot, unwilling to let this moment pass unceremoniously like this.

'I–I wanted to save him,' he whispers barely loud enough for Kane to hear, the thin echo making him sound petulant and headstrong at the same time. Dean manages an exhausted laugh, slinging his arm around Seth's waist, before burying his nose in Seth's hair, murmuring with a tinge of satisfaction, 'I'm sure you did.'

The kid retaliates by stealing a tentative kiss from his friend's lips and even though it's one of the most sincere and unguarded things he's ever seen, Kane feels like he's intruding on something that was not meant for _anyone's_ eyes. He's witnessed a cocky Dean Ambrose, a sassy and worried one, the betrayed and loose cannon, but he's never had the privilege to encounter _just Dean_.

It is almost like watching a wild animal in its natural habitat, playing around with its best friend; the only one who dares to go near it, because it too doesn't care about anything else but their companionship. And even though he would love to get a better impression of the bond these two share, he knows when it is time to retreat.

Unfortunately, he is not fast enough; both of them bumping into his back not a second later. He turns around, knowing there is no use in denying why they have stumbled over him here. Dean looks at him with a mixture of ire and suspicion, evidently still not over the fact that Kane shared a hotel room with Seth.

The kid furrows his brows in confusion, blinking rapidly as if to yank himself out of a stupor. Dean scoffs and lets go of his friend before he thinks better of it and checks their surroundings for any other invaders, laying a possessive arm around Seth once again. Probably to make a point.

Kane doesn't comment on it, thinking it best to not appear as a threat to his relationship. 'Did you track me down?' Seth finally asks incredulous while making the mistake to brush Dean's embrace off hurriedly.

There is a moment of tense silence, Dean staring at the kid a tiny bit offended before he settles for putting all the blame on Kane. Seth just stands there, dazed and huffing indignantly, fingers running through his damp hair at the speed of light, plans and options undoubtedly popping up in his mind but he is unable to grasp just one of them.

'I would rather say you led me here,' Kane counters, voice as even and non-threatening as he can manage, to not give Dean the wrong idea. The tender, sweet man he has had the pleasure to meet a few seconds ago is gone; replaced by the twitchy, aggressive version of him that Kane can see right through – he himself has stared at a similar reflection in the mirror way too often.

Dean isn't like this to keep up his Lunatic Fringe gimmick – but he only realizes the reason for it now with such clarity that it almost feels like a life-changing epiphany. The boy's friend acts so ruthless because his most basic instinct is to shield and protect Seth. It's a big brother looking out for his younger sibling, not caring about the danger that lies ahead.

'Did anyone follow you?' Seth squeezes out, rounding Kane to get a good look at the dark hallway behind him. 'I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't run to the ring to save your friend.' The kid nods twice, breathing in relieved before he beams at Dean, practically throwing himself into his brother's arms.

'It's okay, he's on our side.' Dean squints at Seth before he rolls his eyes. 'I can see that. The only thing I want to know is _why_.' That is really a very good question. He could lie and say that the promise of getting the Undertaker back was enough to make him cooperate.

Or he could tell the truth and admit that he was fed up with being the guard dog for Randy for a long time already – even before Seth joined the Authority. That getting blackmailed by the kid was the funniest thing to happen to him since Daniel Bryan, or that he enjoyed to pick Seth's brain about his history with Dean, feeling as if the whole tale has opened his eyes.

'Because I do what I want. And right now I want to see the Authority taken down; as well as my own brother. Your little friend has promised to get him back for me.' He is not sure if Seth knows that Kane can find Taker whenever he wants to, because he knows better than anyone how his brother ticks, but Dean does.

It's evident in his scrutinizing glare. But the other can also see that he means every word he has just said. The Authority has ruled over the WWE long enough. It's time for a rebellion, a revolution.

'Take care of him,' is all Dean says to him, eyes locked with his, and Kane nods. He has gotten the true meaning of those words. Dean might not like him enough to be willing to work together with him, but he has realized that it's his only option right now. The best thing about these four words is that he trusts Kane with Seth, Dean's most precious – for the lack of a better word – possession.

'Don't worry, he won't make any problems,' Seth answers, clearly not realizing that Dean hasn't talked to him. Kane nods once more when the kid doesn't look, showing Dean that he's willing to act as Seth's guardian whenever his brothers aren't around.

'He better not,' Dean grits out, patting Seth on the head – eyes never once leaving Kane's face – before he pushes his way past them to check on Roman. 'Oh, and enjoy getting your ass kicked by Y2J. If you're able to not get trapped in the Walls of Jericho, I'm gonna grant you one wish. And I won't tell Ro,' he adds in a sing-song, walking back into the light, disappearing behind the corner.

Seth just stands there slightly aghast, mouth open, eyebrows drawn up as far as they can go. It is almost as if that expression is etched in stone for the longest time, until it gets replaced by a fond smile. 'He doesn't– it's not, you know,' the kid stutters helplessly, blush suffusing his cheeks.

'Oh good, because I got the impression that he was offering you a free ride, so to speak,' Kane retorts, voice oozing with sarcasm and he laughs satisfied when blood shoots in Seth's face, making him look like a bearded tomato.

Oh yes, he is definitely going to have so much fun with that kid.

* * *

God, I keep forgetting to mention this for weeks now, but if any one of you has a prompt idea or a wish for a missing scene of this fic, feel free to to come me with it! Either here or at my writing tumblr (ambrollinsgirl).


	25. but i choose how today will end

Sorry guys, it doesn't get any better than this. I've tried. Just like I'm gonna try to get my muse back. Thanks to all who have commented and/or left a prompt suggestions. I hope you guys can wish for anything, even if it doesn't have anything to do with this universe. Anytime, any place =)  
(Holy shit, I forgot to put in the trigger warnings last night. I'm sorry! There's a panic attack and vomiting in this chapter. I hope it's not too late for some of you.)

* * *

_Breathe, Dean, breathe God damn it!_

The fuck got into him tonight?

He had been so well prepared for this match, had cut a pretty good promo – if he might say so himself – beforehand, and went down to the ring with a game plan: _get your hands on the cowardly ninja and show the Big Red Old-timer to better keep his fucking hands off of what's yours_.

It had all sounded perfect in his head. He knew he'd have no chance in hell in a handicap match against those two, but that didn't mean he'd go down without a fight.

Using that steel chair the exact same way Seth did almost two months ago – _June 2nd, he destroyed your family on June 2nd_, his mind still provides him with the one information Dean would very much like to finally forget – hadn't been his intention, but by now he thinks it adds a nice touch to their feud. Something the fans can mull over until Raw.

But that's not the thing making his skin crawl at the moment. Nor is he pissed that Seth hid behind Kane's back, as predicted, until Dean was down and vulnerable. His brother is a very good and believable heel, he's actually a little bit proud of him.

No, the thing seizing up his chest and making him pace the hotel room right now – and also keeping Roman from getting his sleep – is the complete and utter shit he said in the ring. He got carried away in a moment that meant next to nothing to him. Admittedly, getting his hands on Seth felt awfully good but he still knows that at Summerslam he'll have a one-on-one match and his baby brother better prepares for that confrontation because Dean won't go easy on him.

Not only to keep this stupid charade going – he honestly couldn't care less about that crap; it's only that Seth wants to do this, wants to bring down the Authority from within and he can't deny that idiot even the dumbest wish – but also to get his payback.

Because after everything Seth has put him and Roman through, from turning on them to forcing his brothers to still battle those boring snobs on their own now, Dean yearns for settling the score. He wants to get revenge for all the sneaky attacks, for his friend costing Dean match after match, for making him fall for Seth all over again. As if once wasn't bad enough.

That's probably the most important reason he wants to pummel his little brother straight into hell. And that's also why he feels trapped in this room, only able to walk restlessly from wall to wall to not jump at one and claw his way out of here. He's not sure where he would go afterwards, but he needs to run free to get rid of all the nervous energy clogging up his mind and body.

Roman is lying in bed, pillow resting on his face, so he can block out the annoying light. His brother hasn't left that mattress since they arrived and Dean assumes he also hasn't moved in the time he was away working his match on Smackdown. Randy got him pretty good on Monday. Dean has seldom seen his best friend so beaten down and battered.

He had to restrain himself so much today to not walk up to that jerkface and take him apart, sending a little message on his own. He didn't though, because the pack leader had given him a very clear order: _stay away from my prey_.

He thought Monday had been hard, being backstage in that dark hallway, watching on his phone how his brother received the beating of a lifetime, but the truth is tonight had been so much worse. Without Roman being there to warn him not to get involved, he was so close to ignoring that demand and forget all about Seth and their match, eager to let Randy pay for what he did to his family.

But in the end, he just listened to The Venomous Viper – _ugh_ – rambling about his blown title chance and other ludicrous bullshit, while texting Roman to get his thoughts on the challenge of the so called top tier predator.

_If he wants a piece of me, he can get it_, Roman had replied, making Dean smile even though he was still pumped up and angry. _But he better realize he's chewing off more than he can swallow._

All of this is _for_ and _because_ of Seth.

Dean swallows hard – trying in vain to get rid of the massive lump in his throat –, tugs his hair and scoffs loudly, sitting down on the bed just to get up again. Even when he's not here, everything still revolves around that moron.

Roman heaves a long-suffering sigh, throwing the pillow on his face at Dean. 'Seriously, what's wrong? Either please talk about it or turn the lights off.' Dean picks up the cushion from the ground and watches it for a split second abstractedly before he grabs both end and rips it apart. Roman rolls his eyes at him, both of them following the feathers falling down without saying another word.

'Maybe I should get you a stress ball,' his brother suggests after a while, smiling faintly and hissing in pain when he tries to get up. Dean walks around the bed and pushes him gently down again. No need for him to clean up this particular mess of his too. Collecting the feathers should be his task; it will give his hands something to do while he shares his thoughts with Roman.

'I said I loved him.'

_Said_ might not be the right word. He has _yelled_ it at Seth, trapping his baby brother in the corner of the ring, gripping his head tightly to swing him around. His mouth had been moving on its own accord, spilled the one secret Dean had never wanted to be revealed in front of the whole world.

His feelings for Seth are part of his private life and he's always been reluctant to share that with others; even his own family.

'I heard,' Roman replies, eyebrows drawn up quizzically, like he can't fathom why that is such a big deal. Really, how can he not see this? Dean has never said the l-word to Seth, not in a serious way at least. He only ever spit it in his brother's face to make him realize that those feelings have died down since the betrayal.

Which is so much horse shit that it's unbelievable that Seth hasn't seen through his lie yet, especially since he claims to know Dean better than anyone.

The only reason why he is so eager to make Seth pay, why he won't leave Seth's side no matter what, why he takes on every challenge the Authority throws at him and plays by his friend's rules for the past few weeks is _because_ he has these intense feelings for him.

Otherwise he wouldn't give a flying fuck about the alleged betrayal. He has never liked any kind of business partners anyway.

Dean lets go of the feathers again and dashes into the bathroom to get the bin. As soon as he's back at Roman's side, he throws his hands up, not quite sure where to put all that excess adrenaline keeping him wide awake and also on the verge of a panic attack.

'No, you don't understand,' he emphasizes, tossing the feathers and the torn pieces of the pillow into the white trash can. 'I screamed at him that I loved him.' It's the fucking biggest problem he's ever had to face. Okay, well, even he knows that that's not true, but it damn well feels like it is and he won't ever get some sleep as long as this isn't sorted out.

Roman groans annoyed and takes his gray shirt off, getting rid of the last layer of cloth that could rub over his bruised skin. 'What's the big deal? You already told him that a few weeks ago.' True. But back then it was to kick someone in the jewels who was already lying defeated on the ground. He had wanted to prove to Seth that his brother had toyed with him one too many times and that he had ruined everything.

Tonight though, he said it because it was the only thing his mind was screaming at him. And that's some scary shit right there. He doesn't want his emotions messing with him in the worst way.

Dean climbs on the bed to face Roman. It is very important that his big brother understands this on his own because he won't ever find the right words to explain it. 'Ro, you don't get it. This is different.'

'How?' _Fuck if I know._ Okay, okay, he needs to calm down. _Just keep on breathing, you're doing great._ No need to take this out on Roman. He can make him figure it out. And then his brother can – has to – tell Dean that it's no big deal. That he managed to spill only the past form of the dreaded word and nothing will happen because of it.

That he's going to be alright and absolutely nothing will change between him and Seth. That a simple _I loved you, Seth, you were my buddy_ isn't that bad because it was in the heat of the moment and it means jack shit. It was just another remark that adds fuel to their feud, nothing that will make anyone realize just how _lost_ Dean is without Seth by his side.

Right? Roman better say all those words to him afterwards or he's going to lose his mind.

'It was so easy,' he starts, hands flying around to not touch his brother – he has already tried that yesterday when he wanted to support him while getting out of the car, hurting Roman more than he did any good. 'Like, easier even than telling those chicks I used to bang that I _loved_ them.'

He frowns a second when his voice takes a dive into the bottomless pit of sarcasm constantly growing inside of him, making him spit out the word as if just saying it will burn his throat. Roman doesn't even care about the tone. He just clears his throat with a disapproving glare, showing him how undeniably tired he is of Dean berating women whenever he's out of his mind. Old habits just die hard, holy hell, give him some time.

'What?' he snarls, already starting to hide behind his aggression because he's feeling a little bit attacked by Roman's staring. 'I changed.' And he really has.

He was way worse back in the days, especially during his stay in Puerto Rico, when he had been taking hard drugs. He has had a rough time – more like a couple of them – before he met Seth and Roman and he needed a while to realize that the, well, _role models_ he had in his childhood were not good or appropriate ones. Dean took his sweet time until he was able to respect others the way they deserve it.

Roman squirms around a bit, trying to get comfortable, which does not stop him from giving Dean one hell of a criticizing gaze. 'And who do we have to thank for that?' his partner in crime points out totally unnecessarily. As if he needs another reminder that Seth is the fucking essence of his life.

'Oh come on,' he tries to play this matter down at all costs, even smacks Roman on the arm just to be on the safe side. The following wince gets drowned out by his overhasty lie. 'I didn't want to be a better man just for him.' He is _not_ a better man because of Seth Rollins.

God, he can pretend all he wants to, Dean has changed for and because of him. Not even his brother is giving him a break, furrowing his brows expectantly, shamelessly sassing him with an, 'Oh really?'

'Shut up,' Dean breathes out, seriously getting frustrated here. He doesn't like to talk about Seth making him want to be worth it. This is about Dean spilling the beans in front of all those people and his inability to deal with his feelings for their baby brother. 'Point is, it was too easy. And I did it in front of the whole world.'

Roman just shrugs, obviously still not getting it. Or he just doesn't care in his current state. Maybe he's also too burned out to deal with Dean overreacting because of something he has already said to Seth anyway. Oh, how he wishes that Roman's brooding calmness could soothe him right now too. It usually works but he guesses he's too far gone to even let his friend quiet him down.

'Shit happens, Dean. He won't think you hate him. Seth knows you better than that,' Roman does his best to talk some sense into him, but he still won't understand what Dean is desperately trying to tell him.

He is perfectly aware that Seth knows he's very fond of him. Otherwise he wouldn't even try so damn hard to get him back.

'That's not it,' he whispers, suddenly very self-conscious which is such an odd and unwelcome feeling. He is sick of this conversation already, even though he hasn't even made his point yet. This whole night will haunt him forever which is why he should forget it as soon as possible.

Roman sighs quietly and sits back up, just so he can look Dean in the face, knowing full well that this will – sooner or later – anchor him. Brown eyes have always done the trick for him, which is also the reason for him disliking Roman's contact lenses so much. Even though they have a pretty mind-blowing color.

'Then what is the problem?' his friend asks patiently, nodding to the free space next to him to indicate that Dean should sit down and just relax for a second. Together they can sort this out, like they always do.

But there's electricity running through his veins, the lump in his throat growing with each passing minute and his heartbeat is stuttering its way to a cardiac arrest. Knowing himself he's way past the point where he can be brought back by Roman.

Dean needs to pull off one of his disappearing acts as soon as possible. He doesn't want to let it all out on his best friend, wants to protect him from his own wrath. No, scratch that, he needs to do it, just like he has always done.

They haven't seen the seriously damaged part of him yet and he can't let his family meet it either. They would look at him differently and that's the last thing he can handle right now.

But he can't just get up and run away, leaving Roman worried and forcing him to crawl out of bed to search for him. No, he'll keep his game face on as long as he is able to, end this conversation – and make some fucking sense while he's at it – and then he will leave this place to get away from all of this.

He can do this. He's fooled the people around him before, smiled at them when on the inside he felt like he was dying right in front of their eyes. It's not fair to do it with Roman too, but Dean can only tackle one problem at a time.

And he really wants to deal with this one on his own.

Roman is watching him calmly, a smile plastered on his face, so he appears non-threatening and in a good temper. They're both playing a game right now, but sadly it's not the same one.

'If that slipped out so easily, how can I be sure I'll never drop _the_ bomb?' There. He said it. This is his real problem. The fucking word love. He's stumbled over that so many times in his life, couldn't even _think_ it without wanting to rip his tongue out – and actually trying once a few years ago. He just threw up in the end, but it made him realize that he has a serious issue with deep-rooted affection in general.

That's why he's never been able to tell Roman how much he cherishes him. That man means the world to him, is his brother in arms, best friend and soulmate in one. The only family he has. But he still can't express his feelings other than through actions.

With Seth, it's different. Dean has never had the wish to hear those three words in a relationship, was always pretty damn sure he isn't one of those people who love to gush about their chosen ones or feelings for that person.

But Seth telling him over and over and fucking over again that he loves Dean more than he has ever loved _anyone_, more than he ever thought he could and how he would die for Dean in a heartbeat, is slowly changing everything.

To say he's confused would be the understatement of the century. And fuck, he loathes feeling like this. Why can't this whole thing be as uncomplicated as the relationship he shares with Roman? He doesn't need an _I love you_ like Seth, which is why Dean feels so comfortable and at ease at his side.

'Would it be so bad?' Roman questions, clapping him gently on the shoulder to show him he'll support Dean no matter what. _Would it be so bad?_ How can he even ask that? He should know better than anybody that Dean isn't ready for this crap. Sometimes he's not even sure if he will ever be, but if anyone manages to get through to him, it's Seth.

'Yes,' he grits out, shrugging Roman's hand off because it's starting to burn him. His whole skin is prickling painfully, like it's on fire and he can't even touch himself to make it stop – it would just make it worse and he'd end up trying to peel the layer of flesh off of him. He's been there before.

'I'm not the _oh God, I need to let the world know how I feel_guy and revealing that part of my life in front of all those people? You can bet your ass on the fact that it would be so bad,' he mocks Roman's accent and gets up again. His chest is impossibly tight but he can thankfully still use his lungs somewhat regularly.

It's pretty hard though and he's practically squeezing air through them whenever his brother doesn't look, but he might just be able to control this one long enough to hide it from Roman.

All he needs to do is keep on breathing and not allow himself to think about all the consequences those three words would have.

Roman is obviously fed up with this whole thing; probably thinks they should finally move on but it's not that simple. It's not like he wants to drag this on just to delay a definite decision – and he knows that it would end with Seth being back in their lives one way or another anyway. He's not a fucking coward.

It's just that he _can't_let Seth back in. It's still too early to trust him yet again. All it takes for Dean to completely break is one more setback. Only one little thing going wrong and he'll shatter completely.

It doesn't matter how perfectly he wears his good-humored mask in front of others, the fact of the matter is that Dean's mind is fractured – go ahead and call him unstable – and he needs some time to fix this first.

His own body betraying him like this in front of the whole world is not something he can deal with right now on top of everything else. Not when his brain feels like it's melting inside of his head and his heart is hammering so wildly that every beat physically hurts him.

'Then tell him before that happens.'

He's pretty sure Roman would die instantly if looks could kill. Yeah, right, make it sound so easy when in reality it's the biggest step of Dean's life. He was ready to give Seth a chance before and look what happened, where _that_ got him. He's having more issues because of all this than he had before.

'You're not helping,' he barks out, not even sorry anymore that he's putting the blame on the wrong guy and that this will just lead to a fight between him and Roman if he doesn't get his voice under control.

'Well, I'm tired and bruised and,' his friend starts, still somehow able to not sound pissed off or saddened, but whatever he wanted to say gets drowned out by Dean's cell alerting him that he got a text.

There are only two people writing him these days and one of them is watching him with an almost fatherly expression that helps Dean take a deep breath before he checks his phone.

_What is it with you and steel chairs nowadays?_

Isn't it obvious? First of all, steel chairs are the preferred tools to turn on your allies, brothers, partners, or whoever you can betray in this business. And second, Dean is only giving Seth a taste of his own medicine. Don't tell him he doesn't like that nostalgic touch.

Even though his fingers are shaking – and he has to turn away from Roman to not show him how fast his mind and body are spiraling towards an anxiety attack – he manages to smile while typing the same message three times to get it out without any mistakes.

_Asks the one who began and ended everything with one. Weapon of choice, darling._

When Roman lies back down, sighing contently as soon as nothing hurts anymore, Dean puts on his shoes as quietly as possible. He's still hell-bent on getting out of this prison they call a motel room. Walking it off seems like the best option to deal with his hazed mind. Because being stuck here with Roman leaves only one possibility and Dean isn't very fond of that.

He won't hurt his brother, no matter what. Roman has already gone through so much, he doesn't need to be let down by Dean too.

_You okay? Did Kane hurt you?_

Oh, that's what he wants to talk about? Chaperone Kane? Not about the confession Dean made in the ring, because that is all he can think about ever since those words left his mouth.

_Nah, 'm fine. He was real gentle._

Which is even true. That was the first match with Kane that didn't hurt badly. But Dean is not sure if that is because his whole body turned to stone the moment he spilled one of his biggest secrets or because Kane really treated him with the utmost care.

Having that goof on their side proved, at least for tonight, to be a good decision. Dean has to admit that he has no clue what Seth wants with him and why he had to go so far to promise Kane his brother back – like, it's not even Seth's job to fix the problems of other families. He has enough of his own to sort out first.

But not getting the shit kicked out of him tonight and even being able to get some retaliation for all the things Kane has done to him before he was playing on their team felt damn good. He has needed his time to get used to Kane being part of this conspiracy – though he's still not trusting the other explicitly – but he's glad Seth isn't all alone in the Authority anymore.

He has Roman, so it's just fair that there is someone at Seth's side too whenever his real family can't be there for him. His phone chimes again, eliciting a bothered groan from Roman. Time for Dean to wrap this up. Roman needs to sleep and recover while Dean has to get out of here before he explodes.

_You weren't. Are you still pissed because of the room sharing thing?_

Every time he thinks he is over it, someone has to remind him of that yet again. Of course he is. Why shouldn't he? He's not only mad about it, he's also jealous. And that's even worse. Because... because... it's like admitting–

No.

He won't let that get to him now too. His mind is already on fire, burning every last shred of his common sense in no time. It's probably Seth's fault anyway, whispering against his lips last Thursday how he loves him. How dare that jerk throwing that shit at him when all he'd wanted was to have a good time?

And it hasn't even been a relieved _I love you_ or a bashful one. Those would've been bad, no doubt about it, but no. Seth had to ruin everything by telling him these cursed three words in this heartfelt, tender way that made his blood freeze and short-circuited his brain.

Roman interfering in that very moment saved him from having a nervous breakdown in front of both his brothers. But that didn't stop Dean from locking himself in the bathroom some time later, sliding down the door to relieve the pressure on his wobbly legs and banging his head against his drawn up knees.

Seth being so overly expressive really is a big problem for Dean. He's never been good with handling other people's emotions or his own. They're either smothering him, belittling him or making him feel worthless as fuck.

Roman has his eyes closed, and even though there is a tiny frown on his forehead – because this conversation is not over in his book yet – Dean knows that his brother isn't in the constitution to have this debate tonight. Which is more than fine with him. He's reaching the end of his rope, can already feel how he's losing control over his limbs again.

He needs a dark lonesome corner to hide in and have his panic attack, so it's finally over and he can move on to more pressing matters.

Dean is getting agitated again, his insides are melting and his mind won't stop spinning. He's sure that this time he won't be able to keep the tears away. A panic attack that has such a long time to assault him, such a long built-up, will leave him completely devastated.

It won't be pretty which is the main reason he has to go, to shield himself and Roman from whatever lies beneath his people mask. First he has to brush off Seth, because he can't worry about him too. There's already enough shit hitting the fan in his head because of that guy.

_Everyone knows he is your weak spot, you have lost it out there, man. Way to go_. Oh, fuck Seth and fuck his brain too. He is so done with this crap.

_Leave me alone._

It's not really nice to end this so rudely, but his time is running out faster than he estimated. 'You should get some rest. I'll take a hike before I'll go to bed.'

Roman opens his eyes again, ready to scrutinize him, so Dean dashes forward and turns off the lights before his best friend realizes how terribly he is shaking and how hard he is biting down on his cheek to draw some blood; the taste alone keeping him grounded for the time being.

He can hear some rustling of fabric and a light tapping of Roman's fingers over the wall to find the switch, but Dean just bats his hand away. Now that he's in the darkness, he has already let go of some of the tension, sweat covering his face and a single line of blood running down his chin.

His brother clears his throat, asking wearily, 'You sure? We can talk about Seth some more. You know I'm always here for you.' Of course he does. That's what friends and family are for. He would do the same for Roman too. But Dean is the one not able to have this talk about their kid brother. He's ready to freak out and break down, but that's all he's gonna do tonight.

'Yeah I do and thanks, but you need to rest. It's okay.' Wow, he's horrible at lying whenever there's a panic attack lurking in the shadows and waiting for him. Roman has no trouble seeing through his lie, letting out a soft, 'Dean.'

It's like his brothers joined forces to attack him, because Seth choses this moment to text him again, using the same tone Roman just did.

_Dean please, don't be like this. Don't shut yourself off again._

No, they don't understand. He has to do this, to protect them from the monster inside of him. Ugh, it sounds so cheesy when he says it like this, but people have left him after seeing the darker side and he won't lose his family one more time. He might sound mad, brushing people off like that, but he doesn't have any energy to be polite anymore.

_I said leave me alone._

In this case, defense is way better than offense and Dean has learned to retreat before he wears his heart on his sleeve again, admitting in front of everyone that he... oh, for God's sake. He's about to crash his mind and lungs because of that, so he might as well call it like he sees it. That he _loves_Seth Rollins.

In the beginning it was so hard to even just _think_that and now that he got used to the past form – he's apparently even so accustomed to it that he shared it with the whole fucking universe – it's getting easier to imagine a time and place to say it into Seth's face.

But he can't. He fucking _can't_.

It's making him vulnerable, weak and defenseless. He can definitely not open his heart for Seth once more. But shutting himself away for the sake of escaping Seth also makes him turn his back on Roman and his brother doesn't deserve this.

No matter how much he might want it, there's nothing he can do about it right now. He should be on his way already. Every second he spends here, he puts Roman and their relationship in danger.

Dean fumbles his way around in the darkness to find his leather jacket when Ro's phone rings, telling him that Seth has just took the easy way and went to their big brother instead of trying to reason with Dean. Smart. What a shit head.

Gladly, Roman understood that Dean prefers to keep the lights out, so he just reads the message – Dean can see him pout a bit while his eyes move over the tiny display – and waits for the cell phone to leave them in the darkness again before he addresses him.

'He asks if he can come over.' No. He means, yes, that's definitely something Seth would write. As if Dean could handle both of his brothers with him here right now. But there is no way on earth that that's all Seth had to say. Not with the way Roman's face contorted mere seconds ago.

He can imagine the text as if he got it himself. It's definitely something along the lines of _Rome, I fear I did something wrong and now Dean's all, well, super Dean-y, retreating back into himself and I'm sorry if that ruined your evening. I'm just really worried about him. He's been acting weird ever since last Thursday and tonight was kinda nuts too. Help? Maybe I can come over? Please. Pretty please!_

Acting weird. That's their not so secret code for Dean's more erratic mood swings because they have no clue how else to name it.

Roman can tell Seth whatever he wants, Dean won't be here even in case he agrees to let him crash in their bed. But his brother is more considerate than that, giving Dean the option to decide for himself. 'It's your call. What do you want me to do?'

And isn't that the million dollar question? If only Dean would know what he wants.

There's still the promise he gave Seth last Friday – and boy, didn't his brother fight like a stubborn child to not get trapped in the Walls of Jericho? – but he can't see that happening any time soon. It just doesn't feel right at the moment.

Dean wants that favor, whatever he will choose to grant Seth in the end, to be something special, something that shows his brother how much he needs him in his life. What he doesn't want is that granted wish to happen thanks to him yelling at Seth in the ring that he loved him just because he is hurting, confused and disappointed that his friend won't face him like a man.

And because Seth has the gift to crash through his defensive walls without even trying to, tearing them down to leave him emotionally naked and at the mercy of his brother.

There is only one possible answer to Roman's question right now and even if it's crude to treat his best friend like that, he can't stay here to dwell on the aftermath of his actions. If he won't leave in this instant, he's gonna come apart at the seams in front of his family's watchful eyes.

He's not ready for that yet.

So Dean slams the door behind him and rushes out into the dark and starless night, looking around frantically to find a nice, shady corner where he can collapse. Unfortunately, his legs won't even carry him any further than their rental car, so he fishes for the key in his jeans pocket, fingers shaking so badly that he drops the damn thing five freaking times before he inadvertently scratches the lacquering while opening the lock.

He dives into the car, throwing himself on the backseat and latches all doors again before hell finally breaks loose. He's held on for a surprisingly long time but in the end he's nowhere near strong enough to fight his stupid panic attacks off on his own.

His mouth starts to taste like bile acid and somewhere in the depth of his mind a voice yells at him to open the window and puke out of it because Roman will make him clean this shit up no matter what – even if he has to rub Dean's face in it to get him to move.

Dean's fingers don't obey him at the first try and slip off the handle, making him realize they're sweaty as hell. Judging by the little droplets that fall down on the seat underneath him, he's practically leaking, but the worst thing is that he's not entirely sure it's only sweat. There might be some angry, helpless tears mixed in between.

He manages to open the damn window just in time, because as soon as he has dragged his body up to the hole he's heaving, spilling the contents of his stomach on the asphalt, some of it splashing against the car. Maybe Roman won't notice.

Dean can't tell how long he's hanging there, retching violently until even his lungs start to burn. When he sags back onto the seat the real ordeal is just beginning. It's like he's having two anxiety attacks at once. The one that is a direct result of the _I loved you, Seth_ and the one he didn't have last week after his brother confessed his own feelings unasked.

Maybe he's so rattled because Seth makes it sound so simple, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. Just as it has been for himself tonight. And Dean is not prepared for it to be like this.

He's writhing in pain in the back of the car, coughing and wheezing and slamming his hands on the leather repeatedly but it's not enough pain to make it stop. Dean is distantly aware that he is screaming, hands angrily wiping away the wet streaks on his face before he climbs out of the open window and barely evades falling into his own vomit.

His vision is blurry and he's staggering around the parking lot, standing still every so often to try and catch his breath – which is impossible at the moment. Pain. He needs to kick-start his brain again by inflicting so much physical agony that it drowns out everything else.

Light suddenly blinds him and he realizes with a new surge of panic that Roman has turned it on in their room, probably limping his way to the door to check on him. Dean really hates it when he starts yelling during his attacks, because it attracts so much unwanted attention.

He stumbles out of his brother's sight, his knees giving out more than once, so he's forced to drag himself along on all fours, finally finding a secluded spot behind the motel. Before he goes to search for something to hurt himself, he just lies down for a second, gasping and panting for his dear life, his thoughts running wild in his head.

There's the constant replay of his words from tonight, taunting him with their finality. He has admitted it yet again, has given Seth what he wanted. And he did it in front of millions of people, handing out the only ammunition to fatally wound him.

And then there's Roman asking him _would it be so bad_ over and over again. Seth changed Dean for the better, made him see brighter colors, spread his wings and fly so he could touch the sky. There's nothing in this world he can't face with Seth by his side.

The answer to all of it is right there, he knows that even though his mind forces his body to collapse into a wheezing mess, suffocating him to the point of passing out. He is already experiencing what it's like to love Seth. Dean is just afraid of what would happen if he lets Seth back in and gets let down once more.

He's not even able to _imagine_ the good things that could also happen because he's convinced he doesn't deserve them.

Okay, this is ridiculous. He's dying out here, lying on the damp grass, the combined taste of blood and bile making him want to barf again. And to make thins worse, Dean's lungs seem to crumble after being forced to function without any actual air for too long. He needs to end this before it's too late, so he crawls back to the wall to punch it as hard as he can.

Each strike represents another secret he never wanted to admit to anyone, another weakness of his, something else Seth has effortlessly accomplished.

_I need you. I want you. You changed me. I need you to breathe, so reach down and pull me up, pull me out before I am buried beneath. You scare me. I can't live without you. You saved me. I love you. I love you. I _love _you_.

Dean heedlessly throws punch after punch to get rid of those truths until his knuckles hurt badly and he can see blood running over his skin, the sight alone calming the raging monster inside of him. His thoughts quiet down to a low murmur, the frightened part of him slowly drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

He keeps on hitting the wall, fully intending on breaking his fingers, losing time in the process. When he comes to his senses again he can't move a muscle in his hands, but he can inhale and exhale evenly, his mind rebooting itself to tell him that he has to risk something in this relationship, regardless of the outcome.

No risk, no fun.

He has lived by this code for so long, Dean really can't understand why he got so cautious after Seth walked out on him in March. Okay, no, that's a lie. It's because he's afraid of getting hurt, of losing the one person he _cannot_ lose, no matter what, of looking back at all of this only to realize he's made a huge mistake.

As long as he still doubts Seth's honesty, he can't take the leap of faith.

Dean leans his back against the wall, not caring that blood and little bits of his skin get stains on his jacket and just breathes in the crisp night air with a tired smile on his lips. So, every time he has the same epiphany – how he really feels for that backstabbing idiot – or hears Seth saying those dreaded words, he's going to freak out.

Honestly? He can dig that. Because one day, he'll listen to Seth murmur _I love you_ and the only thing he's able to do is say it right back. One day, it won't make him want to ditch his own skin and run for his life.

There a high-pitched sound interrupting his exhausted train of thoughts, making Dean furrow his brows in confusion. He thought he had left his phone behind in his room, but it seems like he took it with him. Maybe to call for help, if he wouldn't be able to get this whole thing under control.

It's Seth once again, that stubborn scumbag.

_I'm gonna make it up to you on Raw, I already have a plan. Hunter will love it, you will definitely love it._

For fuck's sake, can he stop using the cursed word? That stupid little brat. Rub it in, jerk, rub it in.

_Whatever I did this time _

_For the love of everything that is holy, stop apologizing_, Dean thinks, already getting mad again. Seth hasn't done anything. At least not tonight. It was all Dean. Why is no one getting this?

_I'm gonna atone for it! Leave it to me, you'll get your revenge at Summerslam.  
And you can unleash yourself on Monday too.  
I hereby give you the permission to do whatever pleases you._

Oh no, what is he planning now? Actually, Dean is way beyond the point of caring; finally drained of every last bit of energy he had left after his handicap match. So okay, fine. He'll play along, but only because Seth just carelessly allowed Dean to let out his inner asshole.

Seth will learn to heed the warning be careful what you wish for on Monday night.

He shuts off his phone without answering and watches the leaves of the tress in front of him rustle in the slightly chilly wind, a peaceful smile dancing over his lips.

'Oh God, Dean, really? Another one?' Roman greets him and his little companion, absentmindedly running his fingers over the staples on his forehead. Dean just grins and closes the door behind his friend for tonight, rummaging through his belongings to find some food.

'She followed me,' he explains, frowning at the contents of his suitcase and duffel bag. There is nothing edible in there. Why didn't he think about that before he went back to the motel? His little amigo needs food. Wait, didn't Roman buy some sandwiches earlier?

'You still got some of the chicken stuff left?' Roman huffs, knowing full well that giving her something to eat will make her stay the night. 'We have to leave her behind tomorrow. I hope you haven't forgotten that,' his brother warns him while throwing a small plastic bag at him.

'Then let's be her friends for just one night,' he shrugs. Roman looks at him like he has just seen him for the first time ever and slowly shakes his head after a while.

'You're unbelievable. Fine, let her stay. If she's gonna give us a rash like the last one, I will dump you in the middle of nowhere.' Ah, Dean is sure that this one won't make them sick. She looks totally innocent – but then again, they all do.

He sits down on the bed and baits the silver and black colored cat onto the mattress with some strings of dried chicken. She meows happily, jumping up to him as soon as he has placed the food on the covers.

'By the way,' Roman breaks the silence, throwing his phone at Dean who catches it awkwardly with his right hand. He still can't lift his left arm very high, but with a beautiful cat in their room and the knowledge that he ruined that precious little briefcase earlier he doesn't really give a shit about that anyway.

'You got some texts while you were out collecting strays.' He chuckles lightly and checks his messages. It's not a big surprise that Seth wrote him some pissed off ones – _the fuck, man? No need to rip apart my contract or ruin the case with soda and popcorn; you're gonna pay for this, Ambrose_ – as well as compliments for looking damn fine as a cowboy and for doing things the FCW style again. Gotta love those parallels.

He too has missed the old times when he would pop up at one of Seth's important matches with fast food just to ruin his day. And causing Seth to lose his first match since the breakup to none other than Heath Slater might just be the biggest achievement of his life. The Authority wanted to make it really easy for their poster boy to beat Dean's time, so he thwarted their plans once more.

Dean had warned Seth, but his brother wouldn't listen. Karma is a bitch, sunshine.

There is a new text arriving the exact same moment the cat gets comfortable on his lap after eating all her treats. Her fur is even fluffier than it looks and she's also not starving like most of the strays Dean likes to take care of for the one night he's in town, but that particular cat also isn't exactly a forlorn soul wandering the streets. This beauty belongs to the owner of their motel. Dean has just somehow _neglected_ to tell Roman. Oops.

_I know what you want to do for our match at Summerslam, but please, Dean think about it again.  
I'm not you. I'm not used to fight to the last breath or in a Death Tournament.  
We can have a HIAC match, just not at SS. Please, I'm begging you. Give me more time to prepare for that._

What, is he afraid he might lose his handsome features when Dean is going to rub his face against the unforgiving steel cage? There's no escape in a cell and that's exactly what he wants for their first real big match.

But if Seth is such a chicken, he'll think of something else until Smackdown. He will make damn sure that there is no way Seth can run away from him again. Dean will find a way to keep his brother in the ring with him.

This time he won't fuck up his chance to get his hands on Seth. And he definitely will keep his mouth in check. There is a time and place for everything, but confessing to Seth how fucking lonely and incomplete his life is without his brother – even though Roman is at his side all the time – needs a lot of mental preparation on Dean's side.

Though he can't fool himself anymore. Even he knows that that day will dawn sooner than he wants it to.


	26. don't let your memories break you

This is just the introductory chapter for the massive amount of chapters that'll be about the road trip from Las Vegas to Austin. And since I always wanted to write a little something about Kane's years in the asylum I thought I could combine this somehow. I wanted to post this before SummerSlam too, because the 'real' first part takes place on next Tuesday around four am. Dean being gone to shoot that movie (YAY) gives me a lot of time to write that road trip. So, for everyone who's able to watch SS tonight, have fun! I'm gonna watch it tomorrow, so no spoilers =D Thanks to all of you who leave a comment or a fav. You guys make my days!

* * *

'Do you know where you are?'

'Do you remember who you are?'

'Would you consider talking to us?'

'Can you at least give us a small sign?'

Yes, he knows where he is. At least he thinks he does. A few months ago, he woke up to the typical sterile smell of a hospital, unable to move even his little finger. It had been so intimidating, even more so when he realized he was restrained to his bed by brown straps and that he was completely alone.

Now he is in some locked up unit, forsaken, forgotten and frightened. Only one question remains: _w__here is my brother?_

Yes, he remembers who he is. He is now an orphan, his parents died in a fire he and his brother couldn't control. It had just been a stupid bet between siblings. A _joke_. He had won it, so it was his big brother who had to set the curtains on fire because he has always hated that ugly purple anyway. Red is the only color to go.

The flames spread out too fast, trapping his mom and dad in their home. He could hear his parents' panicked screams until they quieted down to a suffocated coughing while he got carried outside by his older brother, the skin on his right arm burning away, his left eye hurting so much that he couldn't even open it.

What happened to them afterwards?

No, he will not consider talking to these people until someone tells him what happened to the last remaining part of his family. He knows they have both made it out of the fire because his sibling's face is the last thing he remembers before passing out as a result of the agonizing pain.

Is his brother here too? Trapped in some terrifying facility where the patients scream day and night and no one ever laughs, where the sun is not allowed to shine through the heavily barred windows. Or is he so badly injured that he is lying in a bed, his comatose mind making up all of this while his body tries to heal cell by cell?

Why won't they let him see his family? He can get up and walk around by himself again. He can leave this place now to live together with his kin. Oh God, do they blame his brother for the fire? Is he in jail? Do they think he can't handle the truth just because he is still a child?

And no, he cannot at least give them a small sign. He is scared and wants to go home. And why does he have to wear this uncomfortable mask all day long? Did the raging fire disfigure him so badly? Will his big brother even recognize him when they finally meet again? Why won't they let him go? It's dark and lonesome in here and he misses his family so, so much. All of them. He can't believe his parents are dead because he hates the color purple.

Wait, is _he_ the one in prison because his relative told the authorities that it was _his_ idea to burn the drapes? No, family doesn't betray each other like that.

Isn't that so?

_Where is my brother?_

Days fade into weeks and then into months without a single soul visiting or telling him what happened to his family after the accident. He is completely alone in a mental asylum ever since the hospital released him. He has also lost his will to smile. Not that anyone would notice, because of the mask.

He has to wear it to not upset the other patients he never sees anyway, because he likes to hide in his room unless it is his weekly date with the outside world. That's what he calls his day parole.

There are bars and barbed wires everywhere, designed to keep the sane out and the crazy in. He is too young to understand why he got labeled as not worthy enough to be on the other side of the fence.

All he ever did was play with his brother but they say he is a pyromaniac – a really big word he doesn't quite get, but it has to do with him loving the dancing flames of a fire – and even though his sibling started the fateful one, he isn't innocent either. That his parents are dead because of him too.

He is here so they can heal his mind.

They tell him a lot of complicated and hurtful things, but no one ever loses a single word about his beloved brother. Maybe they hope he'll give up sooner or later. But they don't know him. He has learned to keep on fighting from his only sibling. He won't disrespect him like this just because the world tries to break him.

The people in white start to give him some blank sheets of paper during their sessions as soon as his arm has healed up. He still can't believe that the skin covering his right one is not his own. They say it is a transplant. He was very close once to drop the mute act to ask why no one gave him one for his face too, if it is so damaged, so he can finally ditch the mask.

But he didn't want to give them the satisfaction of ending his silence. He vowed to himself not to talk until he gets to know what his brother is up to. Surely he is out there searching frantically for him. He is not the only one scared right now.

These mean people probably haven't even told his sibling that he's held captive in here, so they could keep him forever because he is not _human_ enough to be allowed to live among normal people. Sometimes they say he's a monster, the whisper of it echoing night after night through the hallways. There are times when he is so depressed that he starts to believe it.

The men and women talk a lot about the fire, asking him the same questions over and over again. They never get tired of it, even though they already know every detail, so his answer stays the same too. He grabs a pen with his bad hand and writes down on one of the papers _where is my brother?_

They smile down at him with cold eyes, their gaze telling him _you no longer have one_, making him weep himself into sleep at night for the longest time.

Years pass without anyone telling him what happened to his older sibling. Years of stubborn silence pass by, rage and hatred starting to grow rapidly inside of him. If his brother is alive and well, why won't he visit him? Why is he still locked up in this horrible place that is slowly robbing him of his life? Does his brother care at all? Is he blaming him for their parents' death?

There are no mirrors in this facility – they are a weapon, which is why they were forbidden a long time ago –, so he has no idea how terrifying and gruesome his reflection is but that doesn't matter. Not anymore. The mask is his face now. And because it is the door to his scarred soul, he gives it a makeover, a nice little touch, coloring it with red and black flames.

Because even if his big brother has left him here for good, has abandoned him to live a normal life without him holding his family back, he still cherishes their shared memories; no matter how much he despises his own flesh and blood for leaving him to rot in here.

Years pass and he has accepted that he will never see the real world again, that he is the loneliest boy in the world, left behind by the one person he loved and looked up to more than anyone else in this entire universe.

And then, one day, he gets a visitor. It is Death, coming to put him out of his misery.

_Finally_.

Kane wakes up drenched in sweat, pitch black darkness surrounding him. He runs his fingers over his face, sighing relieved when he doesn't feel a mask or burnt and scarred skin.

He turns the lights on and walks to his office to unlock the top drawer of his desk and take out the sheets of paper he used to write on in the asylum. They are not white anymore, the sun has faded them out and the ink is heavily smeared on some. But the message is still very clear.

Kane can see his handwriting tell its own tale on those documents, the evolution of it a reflection of his mental deterioration. Disappointment and misplaced hatred made the words sharper, more edgy. Sadness and desperation turned that one plea into a curvy, sloppy mess.

He must have scrawled that sentence over a thousand times. Even today it is still etched in his memory, haunting him in his sleep. Writing it down over and over helped him to not forget what had happened. It hurt him in all the good and bad ways. Pain had been his anchor for most parts of his life. It kept him human and proved to him he was still alive.

_Where is my brother?_

No one gave him an answer to that question until Paul Bearer walked right back into his life, suddenly claiming to be his real father and telling him what a good and carefree life his brother was leading now; how he was completely unharmed by the fire, did not even get held accountable for it.

Paul had, completely unintentionally of course, _forgotten_ to tell him that Taker was led to believe Kane had died all those years ago after the paramedics had yanked his unconscious body out of his brother's arms; that in the end he was the one responsible for the death of his _entire_ family.

All the years of loathing and rage wasted for nothing.

Kane gets up and goes back to his bedroom, reaching for his phone on the nightstand to write the kid a message.

_The time to move is now. I demand my brother back._

He will not let another trivial thing stand between him and his only family again. He is done fighting his own flesh and blood.

Having Seth as a backup plan is nice and easy, but Kane is a grown man. He can wage his wars alone – which does not mean that he won't watch the boy sweat blood and tears to get Taker to cooperate. So, logically, he types a message to his brother too. It is always worth a try.

_I am helping this kid bring down Hunter & Stephanie and he made me his ally by promising me to get back into your good graces. Expect the boy to show up at your door some day soon. You know, we could have some fun with him, like in the old times. And for what it might be worth, I was wrong. I apologize._

He does not envisage an answer, Taker has refused to speak to him for months now, but his phone chimes up not a minute later. For a second he thinks it is Seth but then his brother's name stands there on the display, making him smile hesitantly.

_You better work with the unhinged one_

He laughs, knowing that Taker has a soft spot for Dean Ambrose and that he would not mind him showing up on his doorstep. He types back a _sorry, it is the babyface_, perfectly able to hear the bothered groan his brother lets out as soon as he reads this, knowing all too well how that sounds.

Kane gets back into his bed and turns the lights off, thankfully able to let go of his dream surprisingly easily – and he does not fool himself into believing it has nothing to do with his brother talking to him again – when he gets another reply.

_You always had a crappy taste in partners. I tell you one thing though, you get your ass over here when that greenhorn attempts to annoy the shit out of me.  
Just like in the old times? I might be down with that_

The so called Brothers of Destruction have always had a knack for playing games with the kids of this business. Maybe he should suggest to Seth to take someone with him. But then again, he would love to see if the boy is smart enough not to go there alone.

There is no need for another answer. What he got tonight is more than he ever hoped for and in the end it had been so easy. He shakes his head at his own foolishness. He is forty-seven and sometimes it seems like he is still that terror-struck, lonely boy trapped in the asylum, unable to escape the prison that is his own mind.

His phone lights up when another text arrives, his brother apparently not done with him yet. How could he expect anything less?

_And by the way, I know. I usually am. I'm your big brother, I always know what's best for you. Right now, that's quit pestering me. Call ya soon_

Taker writing those words does not mean they are through the worst yet; there is still a lot they need to talk about and Kane definitely will not like to hear half of it, he is quite certain about that. But when all is said and done, he will just be glad that their relationship is not spiraling downwards anymore.

After this turn of events, he might actually be able to get some more rest even though he had that haunting nightmare. But before he can think of sleeping his phone beeps another time. He checks for the sender frowning deeply, but then he sees the kid's frantic message and cannot contain a roaring laughter.

It is so hilarious and entirely just the boy that he starts snickering every time he is ready to fall asleep and the message reappears in his thoughts. He deliberately does not write anything back, enjoying torturing the boy with silence way too much.

_Alright, fair is fair, I guess.  
But, uhm, he won't, you know, eat me or try to sacrifice me as soon as he hears stuff he hates, right?  
Right?_


	27. feel like you'll never be whole again

**Tuesday 19th  
** **03:48 am**

He's been back home from his little walk in the desert for like an hour, tops, when the stupid doorbell rings. Whoever that is, it better be important, because if it isn't, Dean will murder that someone and bury him or her in his backyard for interrupting his nap.

Considering it's almost four am and he got Curb Stomped into hell twice mere hours ago, it's not even a surprise that Seth stands in front of his door, pushing his way into Dean's house as if he thinks he owns this place. Well, good thing the jury is still out on the killing part.

Seth's body deflates as soon as he closed the door, relief washing over him. 'Thank God, you're here.' What? Did he search for him in the city or the desert, only to remember five or six hours later that Dean actually lives in Las Vegas, so he should check there too?

'Where else would I be?' he retorts, biting back a snarky remark about him not wanting to see Seth's face for the next few... centuries. His brother huffs annoyed, checking him out with his eyes from top to bottom but there's nothing to see.

Dean is still dressed in his ring gear. A lot of the dust has fallen off of him by now but there's still some left on his hair and shoulder. He just couldn't bother with showering, collapsing on the sofa as soon as he got here.

'I don't know,' Seth answers sarcastically and points at his head accusingly, 'the hospital maybe?' He doesn't need some quack to tell him he's badly injured. He can feel that himself. But he hasn't thrown up so far and he's still breathing, so he'll make it through this somehow.

He's had worse.

''M fine. I just have the biggest headache in the universe. The more important question is: the fuck you doin' here?' he yawns tiredly, feeling like his insides are made of stone. He hasn't slept properly in ages and not at all since Saturday night when Seth had called him around two in the morning, stuttering and nerves at breaking point.

It was just a Lumberjack match, nothing to piss his pants over. It's not like there were hired assassins surrounding that ring or the unforgiving steel cage Seth feared so much. Contrary to popular belief, Dean does have a heart.

Which led him to spill the one secret he had wanted to tell Seth privately on live television. Roman had warned him to do it quickly, but of course he had to wait and now the fat's in the fire. Good thing though? Seth seemed to be completely out of it during that match, and after he received his very own Curb Stomp he didn't look too good either.

Dean is ninety percent sure Seth doesn't remember anything. Okay, maybe fifty percent. But for his own sake, Dean's going to ignore this problem until it goes away on its own.

Seth looks him in the eyes, face all serious and distanced. Dean just shrugs and trots into the kitchen, thinking about offering his brother some coffee but ending up making only one for himself. No matter why Seth is here, Dean is pretty sure he won't find any more sleep tonight, so he might as well drink that shit.

'You know we just saw each other in the arena?' he asks casually, setting a cup under the nozzle and watching the dark brown liquid stream out of the machine. 'Whatever it is, couldn't it wait until at least sunrise?'

He had looked forward to some quiet days at home, taking advantage of the fact that Raw went on air in in his hometown last night. Dean even begged Roman for some time off, promising to meet up with him as soon as he was feeling better.

And here Seth is, seeming tense and nervous as fuck, now that he takes a closer look. This better not be about their matches at SummerSlam and Raw. He doesn't have the nerves to deal with all of this right now.

'Want one too?' he breaks the silence once more when his friend still refuses to talk. That's not creepy at all. Showing up at Dean's doorstep in the middle of the night, bursting into the house all confident and determined just to stand in his kitchen awkwardly, cheeks blushing.

Finally Seth shakes his head and yanks the mug out of Dean's hands. 'Excuse you?' he grits out, trying to reclaim his well-deserved coffee. His brother is quicker though, which is not really a surprise either. Dean is ready to pass out by now, his whole body aching and yearning for a twenty-four hour regeneration sleep.

'Pack some stuff,' Seth just orders after a while, pointing upstairs to Dean's bedroom but he won't even think about moving until his friend tells him what's going on. No one will take away his first day at home in forever, not even this adorable idiot that is able to completely shut off his brain in a matter of seconds.

No,' he says, crossing his arms and leaning against his oven. 'No, Seth, don't even give me that puppy look. It's four in the morning and I need to let my body heal because of the severe head and spine trauma you gave me tonight. I want to sleep in my own bed for a change. Is that too much to ask for?'

Seth sighs and starts squirming – holy hell, what is going on? But instead of answering Seth just starts drinking his fucking coffee, opening the fridge to pour in some milk, before he tastes it again and takes out Dean's butter. Oh Jesus, that's one of Seth's worst habits. How can anyone soil black gold with butter?

Thankfully, Dean hasn't had the time to do some grocery shopping yet, so when Seth opens the butter it's all green. Naturally, he gets a dirty look from his brother but hey, he hasn't been home for quite some time. Not his fault that food mildews.

'This is disgusting,' Seth comments on the poor state of his fridge and grudgingly drinks the coffee as if someone forces him to down that swill. Well, Dean would have loved to have it himself, but he's not gonna pick a quarrel before the sun even rose.

'And you're still standing in my kitchen, downing my beverage, wanting me to hit the road again even though I'm seriously hurting and on a vacation from Ro, you and everything else. Most of all you though.'

Seth pouts for a second, furrowing his brow before he puts the empty mug aside and leaves Dean to walk up the stairs, undoubtedly going to his bedroom to pack some stuff for whatever reason himself. What a little fucker.

He doesn't have the energy left to run after Seth, so he just hauls his body upstairs one step at a time – how can Seth still move so fast? They have gone through almost the same ordeal on Sunday and tonight. It's probably the total lack of sleep plus his assembly of injuries dragging him down. His younger brother looks well rested, even though he must be up for at least twenty hours too.

Fuck, he's getting old.

But then again, Seth is most likely running on adrenaline, nervous energy and his coffee while Dean is just _tired_.

Sick of facing Seth show after show, getting robbed of his victories and a fair chance to defeat his friend. Of his buddy spitting in his face how he doesn't care about Dean, how he never considered him a friend or a brother but instead thinks of him as trash with rabies and someone who should be locked up in a padded cell forever.

No matter how hard he tries to ignore those words, he always falls for them, lets them drag him back into the darkness. They poison his mind, and all the voices soar again, mocking him how he could be so foolish to believe Seth's affirmations in the first place.

He's tired of Seth cornering him after every one of his very own pipe-bombs to whisper desperately against his lips that it's all just a lie for the audience and the Authority and how much he fancies Dean, sending his emotions on a too fast rollercoaster again.

Most of all, he's done with confessing his own feelings in the fucking ring, as if he never learned how to control himself.

He is so sick and tired of all of this. Which is why he welcomes this impromptu vacation with open arms. He seriously needs some time off, so he can recover and come to terms with everything that has happened and find out if his emotions have changed – because it feels like they have. Dean just can't tell if for the better or the worse.

Seth is already throwing his personal favorite pants and shirts into one of Dean's suitcases when he arrives. He sits down on the bed and lets his brother do whatever he has in mind. Fact is, he won't leave this house before he hears a good explanation for this.

'What do you think, do you need some sweatpants too?' Seth muses, dropping the clothes to rummage through the drawer with his underwear. Interesting how experienced and fluid his motions are; like water sliding down naturally tanned skin, and how comfortable he looks in the middle of Dean's room, as if he belongs here and should be doing this every day of his life.

'Oh, I don't know. Maybe I could tell you, if I'd know what the fuck I'd need them for,' he answers with a fake smile, eliciting a scoff from his friend. Really? He has the guts to appear offended but Dean, the one whose stuff gets vandalized at the moment, can't even sass his own brother?

'Dean, don't make me beg.' Huh? The fuck does Seth want? Does he intend to run away with him or grab the bull by the horns to marry in the city, while they're here?

'Are we gonna be the new Bonnie and Clyde or what are you preparing for? Wait, did it finally happen? It's the zombie apocalypse and you're my knight in shiny armor, here to rescue me,' he decides to say, because he's not yet ready to talk about things like marriage with Seth if they can't even move on to the _we're having an actual relationship and are now a couple, bitches_ stage yet.

Seth just huffs tiredly and flops down on the bed next to him, fishing out his cell to scroll through it so he can show him something. Dean takes the phone and looks at the display, seeing the log of an entire conversation Seth had with Kane. But since he's not supposed to sniff around he just reads Kane's latest message.

_The time to move is now. I demand my brother back._

So that's what this is all about. How disappointing. Seth is taking his first free days from him to play babysitter for... well, well, look at that. Judging by Seth's panicked and ridiculous answer Dean is not supposed to be his brother's watchdog, but instead the of the Undertaker.

How on earth did Seth even come up with the idea that Taker could _eat_ him? The mere thought of his friend handcuffed and swimming in a huge pot filled with boiling water is enough to make him question his loyalties for just a second. He'd really love to see that happen.

He reads the text again and can't help but laugh. For Seth it would probably be better if Taker would open the door as the American Badass and not as The Phenom or The Deadman.

Oh, he really wanted to have some days off from all this wrestling and lovey-dovey bullshit but the prospect of a scared to death Seth and all the fun Taker will make of his brother is enough to convince him to want to do this ludicrous road trip. But if he's being completely honest, Dean would love to see how his friend tries to convince Taker to give Kane a second chance as well as spend time with his friend.

Okay, but he needs to play it cool, let Seth dangle a bit more before he gives in. He really should think about this whole _I can't deny this adorable fucker even the dumbest wish_problem.

'So, you want me as your bodyguard?' Seth yanks the phone out of his hands again, getting flustered and agitated all of a sudden. There is more to this than meets the eye. If Seth wanted protection, he'd drag Roman along. There's a reason he decided to come to Dean – and he has a pretty good idea what that is.

Which doesn't mean he's thrilled about it. Not after getting Seth's finishing move through a pile of fucking cinderblocks.

'No. Yes,' Seth corrects himself, shooting Dean a helpless look. 'Most of all I want to spend time with you on the road again. Alone.' Isn't that cute? He fucking knew it.

But he won't agree yet. Dean is actually a bit pissed that Seth hasn't told him of this plan earlier, since he got that text over a week ago. He probably wracked his brain about how to persuade Dean to accompany him since then.

Easiest way: just ask. Preferably not at fucking four in the morning but well, he can't have everything. Especially with that baby hound around.

'And you want me to stop Taker from stealing your kidneys,' he taunts him, voice alternating between sounding serious and mocking. Seth doesn't appreciate his efforts, breathing out an annoyed, 'Dean, this isn't funny.'

If his brother wants to talk to the Undertaker then Dean should do everything in his power to prepare him for all the mind games and bad jokes – and maybe even some insults – that will undoubtedly rain down on him, but he senses that right now is not the time for that.

'You're serious about this. Alright, what's gotten into you?' It's unusual for his friend to keep his feelings and thoughts hidden, so when Seth fiddles with his phone and refuses to answer, Dean does get a little worried. This is not about a road trip for old times' sake. This is about Seth being scared to death that they won't ever have one of those again. That now, after SummerSlam and Raw, their feud and everything else really is over.

And that there is no one to blame, other than himself.

'You're afraid of losing me, now that you've settled things the Authority way.' Those words are harder to say than he imagined because deep down, he's terrified of Seth disappearing out of his life too. He would just never admit it.

Seth's mouth stays closed but he nods slightly, gaze flickering down to the ground. Dean sighs inwardly. This, comforting their baby brother and easing all their worries, is usually Roman's job. But he's not here, so it's up to him to encourage his friend again. And maybe even himself.

'We're not done yet. This is far from over. I'm not going anywhere, Seth. You have Ro and you still have me. _We_are going to be fine.' As a family. Their feud has come to an untimely end after two and a half months and it's time for Seth to spread his wings some more.

Just because Roman and Dean will face other opponents – or are out of the picture for a while –, it doesn't mean that they'll forget all about the mini wolf.

They may not be able to help him like they used to but they'll still be his brothers, his safe haven. He will always be welcome in their midst and both of them will continue to support him whenever they can because he belongs to them, he's the third member of their pack. Roman and Dean would still take a bullet for Seth.

No matter how far away they might seem, they'll always be right beside him.

He's apparently doing a piss poor job of consoling Seth, because his friend won't answer and looks like he's about to either burst into tears or run out of his house and leave him to drive to Taker alone. If Roman were here, he'd find the right words at the first try, because he somehow always knows what's the best thing to say even if he's furious.

'I promise you, I won't lose _the_ _prize_ out of sight ever again. I am not letting you go just because our paths lead us away from each other.' Finally, this does draw out a reaction and Dean notices with relief that his friend is trying to smile. It's not working yet, but it's a start.

Seems like, in this case, Dean will have to prove that he means what he just said, so Seth will believe him. Which is fine by him. He's always been better with letting his actions speak for him. If he opens his mouth, he'll just ruin everything.

'So, will you come with me?' Seth whispers and Dean knows instantly that this question is not the one his friend wants answered. It means so much more than only the invitation to a road trip. The time for playing games is over.

He'd follow Seth into the depths of hell, if necessary. His brother needs to never forget this.

Dean nods and closes the case he has packed for him. 'Sure, where're we headed?' Seth doesn't just smile, he practically beams at him, jumping up from the bed to gather Dean's toiletries from his bathroom.

'Austin,' Seth yells from the other room, making Dean frown. Wait a minute. Austin, like in _Texas_? He's gotta be kidding, right?

So before he will throttle the life out of his friend for wanting to drive his ass all the way back there, Dean makes sure that Seth's death will be justified.

'Texas?' 'Yeah,' Seth retorts and Dean can almost hear him rolling his eyes. He gets up and traps his brother in the room by stopping in the doorframe, blocking the exit with his body.

'For fuck's sake, Seth. We just had I don't know how many shows in Texas and now that we're out of the state you want to drag me all the way back there because you're too afraid to face the Undertaker alone?'

His friend averts his gaze, playing around with the hem of his shirt to do something with his shaking hands. Wow, and here he was, thinking he was the flighty one. Is it really so hard to simply ask Dean for a favor? Just because Seth's promo last Friday and the events taking place two days later made Dean distance himself from him again, it does not mean that he will brutally murder his baby brother in the kitchen.

Not for something so innocent as wanting to relive some of the good old times. It's totally different if someone interrupts his sleep though. He would go back to jail for that felony every day. Nobody really knows what it's like to perfectly function with two or three hours of sleep – if you're lucky – each night for months.

Come to think of it, it seems very likely that Seth has deliberately waited until they were in Nevada to tell Dean of his traveling plans, so that they would be caged into a car for two whole days. Seriously, if Seth wouldn't be a wrestler, he'd probably be a mafia boss or a master ninja assassin with his evil scheming skills.

Seth misinterprets the sudden silence for his unwillingness to spend some time with him. His friend walks up to Dean to flash a hopeful grin at him, clapping him on the shoulder awkwardly. What a dweeb. 'Come one, it's gonna be fun. We're gonna have a nice little road trip and in between you protect me from being a virgin sacrifice for Taker.'

He can't help but snort while he steps out of the way again. He never really had a chance to turn Seth's wish down, not even after wanting to go separate ways for a while until he sorted out this messed up situation.

His friend follows him back into the bedroom, stuffing his toiletries bag into his suitcase. To distract himself, Dean makes fun of his friend after Seth gave him such a good opening. 'Even if you still were a virgin, no one would want to sacrifice you. Taker has some dignity left, sunshine.'

His brother shakes his head, totally convinced that there's still a fifty-fifty chance he might end up as an offering to Satan as soon as he dares to argue with Taker.

'Kane never denied that that's within the realms of possibility,' he adds and Dean can hear how mad Seth is that Kane didn't help him on this matter. Fuck, he'd never thought he might end up liking this dud, but damn, what a great sense of humor. Maybe they do have more in common than just Seth.

'Just to make this clear, you also believe Taker could eat you?' He really doesn't get why Seth is so afraid of the man. Yes, he's big and strong and it seems like he's been around since forever, kind of like a lingering ghost. He's also the most respected guy in the locker room, no matter if he's actually there or not.

But that's all one should feel for Taker: respect.

Maybe it's because Dean has wrestled the guy, has earned his respect in return and gotten some pretty good – and flattering – advice from him to ever get really intimidated by the other.

'Not as long as you're around,' Seth mutters, zipping his case and getting up again, standing in his room a bit indecisive, his face clearly showing the wish to lie down on Dean's bed just once. Ever since he moved here they have always slept on the couch in his living room, legs sprawled all over each other. He had never once invited either Seth or Roman into his bedroom.

But things have changed, haven't they? Seth isn't just his friend anymore. Well, most of the time. But after Friday night, their fight at SummerSlam and also Raw everything spun out of control again and now Dean is more reluctant than ever to give this to Seth.

He hasn't even gotten an apology for the promo on Smackdown yet. And Dean doesn't consider a hurried _you know I didn't mean it_ an adequate substitute for one. Seth hurt him with those words more than he cares to admit. If he won't try to make amends on this stupid journey, Dean _will_ kill him and leave his body to rot in the middle of fucking nowhere.

'And they call me nuts,' he ends that conversation and gives Seth a gentle push, guiding him away from his bed and out of the room. The sad expression on his brother's face does make him feel guilty, but he's not willing to let someone in his sacred bed who throws insults left and right at him.

'Do you have any idea how long that drive'll take?' he changes the subject, grabbing his suitcase and walking down the steps, exhaustion and dizziness making him almost fall down in a moment of thoughtlessness. Seth thankfully doesn't see him gripping the handrail with his bad arm. Neither does his friend hear the pained hiss Dean lets out, because he's talking at the same moment.

'Nineteen hours, without any disturbances or stops.' He sounds all proud of himself for being prepared for all possible questions, but did he actually listen to what he just said? _Nineteen hours_. The damn day just has twenty-four. All that for a conversation Seth could have had on the fucking phone.

'We're losing Tuesday and Thursday just for the drive,' he complains and sits down on the last step to catch his breath. If he won't get some rest soon, he'll probably end up unintentionally hurting himself even further. His brain is already working at the slowest pace possible, which means his reactions aren't what they used to be either.

And this fucking headache makes him feel really nauseous, the pain shooting through his neck is almost unbearable.

Seth kneels down to pick out some shoes for Dean – and seriously, what the fuck? So far, Dean hasn't had the chance to pack _anything_ he would like to wear on this trip and he's starting to feel like a helpless little boy that needs his mommy to help him get dressed.

He's never had a mother that did that for him and he honestly won't start with letting people pamper him now that he's an adult.

'Which is why we have to make the most of Wednesday,' Seth mutters distractedly, the tip of his tongue sticking out between his lips, a concentrated look on his face. Seems like he can't decide between Dean's boots and some ordinary sneakers.

Is he choosing all of this stuff so he can look at Dean and be all chipper about how he picked that outfit because they're his favorite clothes and he loves seeing them on him? Or is he trying to go for an equally intimidating companion to have an ace up his sleeve when he faces the Undertaker?

No matter what it is, Dean is sick of and flattered by it, so he yanks his boots out of Seth's hands and slips into them, throwing the sneakers on his suitcase to take them with him too. Seth has the audacity to snicker, obviously proud with Dean joining him even though he never officially said yes.

'Does he even know we're coming?' Seth gasps shocked and loses his balance, landing flat on his ass. But since he had been kneeling all the time, it wasn't a long or hard fall. What a shame.

'Hell no,' his friend practically squeals, as if it's totally unimaginable that Seth would announce their visit, so Taker can prepare for it. Or flee, if he really has no wish to listen to a kid trying to harass him about his half-brother.

Let him get this straight. They're driving all the way to fucking Austin, _Texas_, without knowing if Taker will even be there and with no plan whatsoever. 'This is by far the dumbest idea you ever came up with.'

Seth grins up at him, holding out a hand expectantly, so Dean can help him stand up again. 'But you're still willing to help me do it.' Of course he is, because apparently, Dean is fucking stupid too.

He hauls Seth's ass back up after watching the outstretched hand for a while and sighs. 'Old habits die hard. Don't be so smug about it.' God, he'll miss his house. He had so many plans for the next few days, all of them consisted of him only leaving his bed to take a piss or eat. He can always count on Seth to fuck up his day though.

'Come on, Rome's waiting,' his brother says impatiently and grabs Dean by the elbow to drag him along. Jesus, like an eager little pup. And what does that mean, Roman is outside? Wasn't this supposed to be some life-changing road trip for just the two of them?

'I thought we would drive alone?' he asks, checking his house for any turned on technical devices. Seth follows him wherever he goes, claiming somewhat depressed, 'I miss both of you.'

He's a second away from rubbing it in that that's entirely Seth's fault but in the end he doesn't have the heart to do it. Being so damn sleepy makes him soft; it's disgusting.

It's even so bad that he chuckles lightly while turning off his coffee maker and turns to his friend, teasing, 'Is that so?' Seth needs a second to decide if Dean is just being sarcastic or joking, finally settling on a third option that's called being jealous. That smart fucker.

'We're dropping him off in Arizona. After that it's just us.' There's a spark in Seth's eyes that frightens Dean a little bit – it's too much passion for him to handle at four in the morning. But it also tells him one thing.

'You planned this all along, didn't you?' Waiting until the very last moment to ask Dean to join him. Checking the tour dates to make sure he could find a special route that fit in Roman being a part of this for a short while too. Taking Dean with him, because he knows that the Undertaker is much more forthcoming when he is around. Counting on the fact that Dean just can't say no to him.

Pure evil, manipulative genius. Sometimes, it's downright scary.

'Why should I?' Seth asks indignantly, winking and smiling brightly at him – and the whole damn room lights up, like in some God awful movie –, visibly proud with his conniving skills. Dean groans, not really sure if he can put up with, well, all of that for the next three days. Especially if the one thing he thinks – fears – will happen too.

Seth hasn't just come here to beg him to go on this trip with him, so they can spend some time together because they haven't done this in ages. No, no, no. That'd be too easy. Seth had something very special in mind. Something Dean has refused to give his friend for a while now.

'So you can ask for that favor. Don't even try to fool me.' There's a huge grin creeping over Seth's face, making him look almost like the Joker. Dean can't believe how bold Seth sometimes is. Does he really expect late night cuddling and all time make-out sessions after SummerSlam, last week's Smackdown and tonight, for Christ's sake?

After telling him he never even cared about Dean at all. Truth or lie, those words cut deep and they still burn like an open, raw wound. Dean actually doubts it'll ever heal. Because Seth walking out on them, slapping him in the ring and hitting him nine times with a chair just to Curb Stomp him afterwards is still bleeding too.

'Let's just hit the road and whatever happens, happens.'

That sounds reasonable. _If_ Seth is able to keep his word. He's not gonna risk running into an emotional dead end on this road trip, so he needs to establish some rules before he gets into the car. Dean is not willing to grant Seth that favor, not after still waiting for a simple _I'm sorry for what I said on Friday_.

He turns off the light in the kitchen and living room, slipping into his black leather jacket before Seth chooses one for him to wear too, responding, 'One condition though. No chick flick moments, or I'm gonna rip your tongue out, heat it up in a microwave and eat it.'

Seth tilts his head, pursing his lips while seriously thinking about this offer. Just that it isn't one at all. This is Dean's demand and non-negotiable. But Seth is every bit as headstrong as Dean, as smart as Dean and definitely as shifty as Dean.

So it's not really shocking when his brother smirks, adding in a sing-song, 'Deal. If I get that favor.' Oh no. This is not how things work on this trip. Seth doesn't get to push Dean after calling him a lunatic, a hellcat with rabies and someone he never considered a friend, a brother – someone he never gave a damn about.

Family is very important to Dean – now that he finally has found the right one – and Seth can't toy with his emotions on live television just to confuse him backstage with claiming the complete opposite.

'We'll see.'

Seth doesn't seem to realize that the mood has changed, still overjoyed and giddy because his plan worked out so well. He's like the kid that can't wait until Christmas morning to open its presents, which is why it sneaks around at night to carefully open them and get a good look.

'Then I'll see if I can keep my mouth in check.' The second Seth doesn't keep his promise, Dean will glue those very kissable lips together for all eternity. That way Seth can't hurt him with his words anymore.

He sighs defeated, kicking his suitcase in Seth's direction. If he's going to be forced to leave tonight, his brother can carry all his stuff. And Dean totally can get away with it, blaming it on his bad shoulder and head trauma.

'You owe me some time off in my own bed afterwards,' he says, voice slightly threatening.

He wants to cure all of his injuries, new and old, after all, as well as doing some chilled stuff in his home. Like gathering all the strays in the neighborhood to make some new friends, get better at this CrossFit shit – so he can beat Seth in the future –, spend a whole week on his couch watching cheesy movies and specializing in making all kinds of delicious pancakes.

What he doesn't want is being forced to sit in a car for nineteen hours to talk to someone he respects about someone Dean still wants to pummel straight into the hell he crawled out of because... because of reasons.

Seth, that adorable, dirty minded baby wolf manages to turn even that into a sexual innuendo. 'You can always come to my new house. I have a huge, comfy bed too.'

Dean closes the door behind them, hoping that his security system will work – not everyone has a Daniel Bryan in store to fend off intruders – torn between sighing and smiling fondly.

'I bet you do.'


	28. author's note

Okay, I don't usually do this but since you commented as a guest I have no other choice than to address this in public. I would have loved to talk to you privately about this, ask for some tips etc. But well. So, this goes to the anonymous person giving me the _honest critique_ on the last chapter. If you're seeing this, of course.

First of all, thank you for being honest and I'm sorry that the story disappointed you and didn't turn out the way you hoped for. I don't even know what you were expecting but as you might have noticed, I'm using the canon storyline as plot, so of course I can only plan so much until I know what's happening in the WWE.

And I also don't know if you've ever been repeatedly disappointed by the same person you love, but let me tell you that it's hard to forgive/forget and hard to stay away from them; so the internal battle _never_ ends.

I'm not here to defend me or the way I write because this is my 'decent' story and I add in what I like. If Kane and the Authority are things you skip then you should stay away in the future. Because not only is Kane my favourite wrestler for various reasons, but he's also part of the canon storyline with Seth. And basically, you just told me that you skip every chapter with Seth, because he's part of the Authority too.

I admit that I still make a lot of mistakes while writing and not only because this is my first fanfic in over ten years or my first in English, but things that you hate about my style are loved by others. I can't satisfy everyone but I'm trying to improve over time.

I can't tell you _why_ I do the dialogue thing or this and that. I just do it because that's me. I love writing a detailed description of thing a or thought b. If that annoys you, well, there's nothing I can do about that anymore. The damage is already done. I'll _try_ to tone that down in the future.

You know, you make it sound like I either have to write my stories like this:

_#1 'Dean, come with me.' 'No, I'm tired.' 'Please, I need you.' 'Okay.'_  
Because dialogue should speak for itself and you haven't told me how much detail is too much.

Or I'd have to do this from now on:

_#2 Seth convinces a tired and bruised Dean to accompany him on a road trip._  
Seriously, if I just use the summary as the actual chapter because I could have said everything in just one or two sentences, then that takes all the fun out of writing, rendering it completely useless.

You also complained that there is no character development. I'm sorry you see it that way. That's all I have to say because I don't even know how to properly respond to that, because that's an even bigger slap in the face than telling me you appreciate my efforts but skip things anyway without giving them a chance.

And just to clarify that as well: I am writing this story to deal with that current WWE storyline. For the past 10 weeks we've seen Dean acting like he did and no one said it was boring because it's repetitive and he should get over it. Honestly, I'm more than livid that you tell me this _now_, as you say 27 chapters in, instead of coming to me the moment all went wrong in your opinion.

So seriously, if you (any of you) have a problem with my story or the way I write, PM me, so I can properly ask for advice that might actually help me improve. Just telling me what you don't like in general doesn't help me at all. Those of you who did PM me in the past know that I'm usually a very reasonable person to talk to and that I try to heed your advices.

Thanks for listening and sorry for bothering everyone else. I just had to address this.


End file.
